| print this
5. Since I could not then understand how this image of thine could subsist,
I should have knocked on the door and propounded the doubt as to how it was
to be believed, and not have insultingly opposed it as if it were actually believed.
Therefore, my anxiety as to what I could retain as certain gnawed all the more
sharply into my soul, and I felt quite ashamed because during the long time
I had been deluded and deceived by the [Manichean] promises of certainties,
I had, with childish petulance, prated of so many uncertainties as if they were
certain. That they were falsehoods became apparent to me only afterward. However,
I was certain that they were uncertain and since I had held them as certainly
uncertain I had accused thy Catholic Church with a blind contentiousness. I
had not yet discovered that it taught the truth, but I now knew that it did
not teach what I had so vehemently accused it of. In this respect, at least,
I was confounded and converted; and I rejoiced, O my God, that the one Church,
the body of thy only Son--in which the name of Christ had been sealed upon me
as an infant--did not relish these childish trifles and did not maintain in
its sound doctrine any tenet that would involve pressing thee, the Creator of
all, into space, which, however extended and immense, would still be bounded
on all sides--like the shape of a human body.
6. I was also glad that the old Scriptures of the Law and the Prophets were
laid before me to be read, not now with an eye to what had seemed absurd in
them when formerly I censured thy holy ones for thinking thus, when they actually
did not think in that way. And I listened with delight to Ambrose, in his sermons
to the people, often recommending this text most diligently as a rule: "The
letter kills, but the spirit gives life,"
while at the same time he drew aside the mystic veil and opened to view the
spiritual meaning of what seemed to teach perverse doctrine if it were taken
according to the letter. I found nothing in his teachings that offended me,
though I could not yet know for certain whether what he taught was true. For
all this time I restrained my heart from assenting to anything, fearing to fall
headlong into error. Instead, by this hanging in suspense, I was being strangled.
For my desire was to be as certain of invisible things as I was that seven and
three are ten. I was not so deranged as to believe that this could not
be comprehended, but my desire was to have other things as clear as this, whether
they were physical objects, which were not present to my senses, or spiritual
objects, which I did not know how to conceive of except in physical terms.
If I could have believed, I might have been cured, and,
with the sight of my soul cleared up, it might in some way
have been directed toward thy truth, which always abides
and fails in nothing. But, just as it happens that a man
who has tried a bad physician fears to trust himself with
a good one, so it was with the health of my soul, which
could not be healed except by believing. But lest it should
believe falsehoods, it refused to be cured, resisting thy
hand, who hast prepared for us the medicines of faith and
applied them to the maladies of the whole world, and endowed
them with such great efficacy.