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19. Then, as this vehement quarrel, which I waged with my soul in the chamber
of my heart, was raging inside my inner dwelling, agitated both in mind and
countenance, I seized upon Alypius and exclaimed: "What is the matter with us?
What is this? What did you hear? The uninstructed start up and take heaven,
and we--with all our learning but so little heart--see where we wallow in flesh
and blood! Because others have gone before us, are we ashamed to follow, and
not rather ashamed at our not following?" I scarcely knew what I said, and in
my excitement I flung away from him, while he gazed at me in silent astonishment.
For I did not sound like myself: my face, eyes, color, tone expressed my meaning
more clearly than my words.
There was a little garden belonging to our lodging, of which we had the use--as
of the whole house--for the master, our landlord, did not live there. The tempest
in my breast hurried me out into this garden, where no one might interrupt the
fiery struggle in which I was engaged with myself, until it came to the outcome
that thou knewest though I did not. But I was mad for health, and dying for
life; knowing what evil thing I was, but not knowing what good thing I was so
shortly to become.
I fled into the garden, with Alypius following step by step; for I had no secret
in which he did not share, and how could he leave me in such distress? We sat
down, as far from the house as possible. I was greatly disturbed in spirit,
angry at myself with a turbulent indignation because I had not entered thy will
and covenant, O my God, while all my bones cried out to me to enter, extolling
it to the skies. The way therein is not by ships or chariots or feet--indeed
it was not as far as I had come from the house to the place where we were seated.
For to go along that road and indeed to reach the goal is nothing else but the
will to go. But it must be a strong and single will, not staggering and swaying
about this way and that--a changeable, twisting, fluctuating will, wrestling
with itself while one part falls as another rises.
20. Finally, in the very fever of my indecision, I made
many motions with my body; like men do when they will to
act but cannot, either because they do not have the limbs
or because their limbs are bound or weakened by disease,
or incapacitated in some other way. Thus if I tore my hair,
struck my forehead, or, entwining my fingers, clasped my
knee, these I did because I willed it. But I might have
willed it and still not have done it, if the nerves had
not obeyed my will. Many things then I did, in which the
will and power to do were not the same. Yet I did not do
that one thing which seemed to me infinitely more desirable,
which before long I should have power to will because shortly
when I willed, I would will with a single will. For in this,
the power of willing is the power of doing; and as yet I
could not do it. Thus my body more readily obeyed the slightest
wish of the soul in moving its limbs at the order of my
mind than my soul obeyed itself to accomplish in the will
alone its great resolve.