ALMOST every drinking problem is also
a human-relations problem. Some alcoholics, it's true,
have the gift of amiability. Drunk or sober, they have
few enemies or strained relationships.
Most of us, however, don't have it so
good. Drunk or sober, we rub some people the wrong way.
We also come into the orbit of people who antagonize
us. What can we do about it? Does the AA program offer
a workable way of dealing with these human-relations
problems?
The program contains an implied answer,
even if it doesn't supply one directly. The answer is:
Handle any human-relations problem by creating the right
attitude towards the people involved; take personal
responsibility for seeing that the antagonism is cleared
up, at least from your side of the fence. This method
is essentially what is conveyed in AA's Eighth and Ninth
Steps, although sometimes we lose sight of our reasons
for carrying out these suggestions.
The method works, and you can easily
prove that the right attitude towards an unsatisfactory
human relationship always settles the problem. At the
same time, the wrong attitude only makes things worse
and condemns the individual to go on creating additional
friction with other people. Since we cannot afford much
of this if we want to maintain happy sobriety, we have
to find a way to settle old disputes and to keep out
of the path of new ones.
We should remember, though, that nothing
in AA promises to put us on cozy terms with the whole
world. It is impossible to live effectively without
coming into occasional conflict with somebody. Even
in sobriety, we will continue to meet people we don't
like too well, or people whom we seem to bother. The
lesson to learn is a form of acceptance: We should learn
to get along with everybody to the extent that is needed
for the specific relationship involved. We should not
try to push things beyond a fair limit if a certain
relationship shows no signs of improving. At the same
time, we should not feel guilty or unworthy if a number
of people choose not to like us. We are bound to get
into trouble if we demand that everybody like us. In
effect, that is a demand on ourselves to be universally
likable.
The goal should be, not to get on intimate
terms with everybody, but only to achieve a general
spirit of goodwill towards mankind and to put an end
to rancorous feelings from the past. With certain people,
we may never reach close relationships, but there can
at least be goodwill. This goodwill should extend to
everybody we have known, whether they are now living
or dead.
The problem in any relationship, past
or present, does not lie in dealing with other people's
feelings. It lies in controlling our own. In AA's early
days, some members quickly discovered that making amends
didn't always clear up the other person's hostility.
This was regrettable, but a fact of life. However, it
didn't have to interfere with sobriety and happiness,
the early members found, because the chief purpose of
making amends was to clear up their own antagonisms,
not the other fellow's.
Steps Eight and Nine have been completed
(for the time being) when a member can review the situation
and say to himself with all honesty: "I have done
my best. I have cleared my mind of all malice and ill
will. I am honestly sorry for the harm that I brought
to this relationship, but it is part of the past and
no longer has a place in my life. I have forgiven, and
I am forgiven. I am not going to waste my time and energy
stewing over this any longer, and when I occasionally
think of the people involved, it will always be in a
good way."
Does this attitude sound idealistic
and unattainable? Perhaps. Nevertheless, it is practical
and effective. All you need do to validate this approach
is to check it out both ways. Review a past relationship
that was very unsatisfactory or has left a great deal
of lingering antagonism. Ask yourself whether your own
bitter feelings about the matter have improved the quality
of your own life. Does it make you peaceful and serene
to keep hashing over the relationship mentally, feeling
new indignation over how badly you were treated? Or,
if it's something where you were at fault, is the damage
repaired when you go on lashing yourself with guilt
and remorse?
Now try it the other way: Take the approach
of praying for the others--not praying that certain
conditions come into their lives, but simply praying
for general good in their lives and being honestly willing
to see it come. Work on it until you no longer have
the secret, vengeful hope that they "get what is
coming to them." Once this is accomplished, compare
the results with those attained by the other approach,
and you'll probably see a big change for the better
in your own life.
In a few cases, such a change in attitude
by one person mends the relationship and causes the
people concerned to become close friends again. This
is the ideal outcome, but it is not always necessary.
More important is the destruction of harsh, spiteful,
vindictive feelings. These feelings are so damaging
to ourselves, as well as to the world at large, that
we could not begin to calculate what they have cost
us.
It has often been called merely "human
nature" to handle unsatisfactory relationships
by telling the others off or trying to get even with
them in some way. History is littered with examples
of injury, revenge, and counter revenge. Well, this
may be one form of human nature, but it obviously doesn't
work in any human relationship, whether between individuals
or among nations. If a human being tries to terminate
a bad relationship by telling the other party off or
by any hostile behavior, all he succeeds in doing is
damaging himself at the same time he is venting his
spite.
Some people think that others will take
advantage of them or continue to hurt them in a different
manner if they adopt a forgiving attitude. Actually,
it works just the other way. If we truly want to put
a stop to something that has been causing us any kind
of injury, the best way is to change our own feelings
about it. We may be surprised to see the condition change
when this is done, but we shouldn't be. It usually "takes
two to tangle," and when we withdraw our own malice
(and fear), we simply destroy one of the chief sources
of conflict.
If it doesn't work that successfully,
we should review our own feelings more carefully. Even
when we profess to have forgiven somebody, often there
is still a festering resentment just beneath the surface,
and it can usually be detected when we discuss the matter.
For example, a person will say, "I wish Pete no
harm, but I don't want anything to do with him any more
after the way he hurt me!"
Whatever the words say, the real feeling
about Pete is conveyed by the tone of voice, the intensity
of feeling in the statement. Sometimes, the speaker's
mouth will actually become twisted with anger, or his
eyes will grow hard and his face drawn. It is plain
that he is still deceiving himself about the way he
feels.
This underlying negative emotion usually
produces at least two negative results. One is the continuing
discomfort the person feels because he is secretly nourishing
a resentment. The second is that the offender often
comes back into his life and hurts him again! It's hard
to explain why it works this way, but it happens time
and time again. And if the same individual does not
return to work havoc, quite often another of similar
disposition does. There seems to be some kind of law
of attraction operating here, a law which apparently
draws to us people who will treat us according to our
expectations.
This law operates against us when we
expect the worst of others--but for us when we improve
our attitudes. In one case, a woman was being annoyed
by another woman, a neighbor in their small apartment
house. The annoyances continued until the first woman
decided to drop her own feelings of self-pity and resentment
over the situation. Once she did this, the problem cleared
up almost overnight, and the neighbor finally moved
away!
In another case, a man was on bad terms
with his personal secretary, who had always seemed to
resent him. After a particularly outspoken argument
one day, he realized that he was getting nowhere by
brooding over the problem and trying to "set the
woman straight." He decided to put everything on
a very businesslike and formal basis, and not to permit
himself anything except kindly thoughts towards the
lady. The relationship got better immediately, and within
a short time the secretary received an unexpected transfer
and promotion to another department. Her replacement
turned out to be a congenial person, whom everybody
liked.
These are only examples; the actual
working-out of a bad relationship is likely to be different
in each case. We should simply avoid trying to manipulate
or change others; it is not necessary in every case
for the other person to "move away" or "leave."
What we want is a satisfactory relationship, without
harm to anybody. If changing an attitude of our own
indirectly causes another person to leave, this is immaterial
to the principle involved. We should not feel guilty
about it, just as we don't feel guilty when our former
drinking companions begin to shun us after we stop drinking.
By changing an attitude, we have severed the connections
which formerly tied us to certain other people. If these
people are to remain in our lives, it should be on a
basis of genuine friendship, not the unsatisfactory
relationship we once had.
It takes time and practice to set most
of our relationships in good order. But we're making
progress when we try to solve a human-relations problem
by getting rid of the personal resentment involved.
When we do, we're likely to discover that our previous
manner of handling the problem was ineffective in every
way. As one of our AA friends puts it, when we have
a resentment against somebody, we "wake up with
him in the morning, carry him around all day, and go
to sleep with him at night." This is certainly
self-defeating. The AA way is better. What's more, it
works!
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