AFTER WE HAVE MANAGED to establish a
time gap between the present and our drinking past it
is usually comparatively easy to talk about ourselves
as we were then. Our mistakes and bad thinking habits
can all be laid at John Barleycorn's door and most of
us can discuss them with little embarrassment at all.
It can be almost as much fun as talking about somebody
else.
But while it is remarkably easy to be
critical of our former selves it may be extremely hard
to talk about our mistakes and bad habits of today.
It is much more comfortable, temporarily at least, to
hide behind the notion that most of our major faults
vanished with the bottle. We can prove this by pointing
to the improvement in the way we behave.
For those who can be happy with this
idea perhaps it's good. But I am one of those who has
found that every troublesome character defect I ever
had when drinking is still very much alive today though
I've not had a drink in almost seven years. I am as
powerless over my emotional problems as I ever was over
alcohol.
For example, I can look back at my pre-AA
thinking and see a great deal of vengeful scheming and
powerful resentments. When people rejected or humiliated
me I plotted revenge and nourished resentments that
festered for years. Often, I indulged in morbid fantasies
in which I triumphed over those I hated. If my enemies
were people whose achievements, abilities, and possessions
I envied, I contrived imaginary situations in which
I somehow surpassed them. If bad luck came their way
I was outwardly sympathetic but secretly I gloated.
Ungovernable resentments, swollen pride,
and persistent fears were the basic ingredients in this
monstrous accumulation of poisoned thinking. These things
did as much damage as drinking. They also added up to
a lot of misery.
With sobriety I began to work on these
defects but I found that they don't die easily. Evidently
these unfortunate traits have deep roots for they seem
to defy destruction despite my long awareness of their
existence and the damage they do. I continued to experience
troubles with resentment and other hostile emotions
even years after AA taught me the danger and folly of
it.
Lacking enough insight or the spiritual
tools to eliminate these character defects forever I'm
forced to go on living with a self that is sometimes
a heel. Someday he may change. That monstrous ego will
shrink a bit and let a little healing sunlight shine
through on a character that is corroded with ambition,
self-centeredness, and pride.
Meantime I have a plan of attack that
is slowly succeeding. Character defects, like germs,
cannot stand too much exposure. Mr. Heel's power can
be neutralized if I keep him out in the open, discussing
him at every possible opportunity. When he tries to
focus attention on the errors of seven years ago I turn
the spotlight right back on the present for I know that
this is my problem. And Mr. Heel's days, I hope, are
numbered.
GO
BACK
GO
BACK