YOU'VE
PROBABLY heard the story about Groucho Marx's refusal
to belong to any country club that would accept him
as a member. One of our AA members used to tell this
story with quite a flourish. It was a delightful illustration
of a prevalent human problem: low self-esteem. The story
probably clicked especially well at AA meetings because
alcoholics apparently have lots of trouble in building
and maintaining self-esteem.
At least, I did. I cannot remember ever having thought well of myself
or ever being very secure, even as a small child. In school, I always felt
threatened by the competition of others. Later on, I was critical of any
girl who became interested in me. During my WW II service in the Navy, I
was certain that I had been assigned to the lowly amphibious forces
because of incompetence, despite the fact that wartime need in this branch
was unusually high. Afterwards, I was suspicious of job offers, believing
that there was a catch somewhere if an employer was willing to accept me.
And so it went; I was always supercritical of myself and, at the same
time, overawed by the accomplishments and achievements of others.
How does one get over such a problem as low self-esteem? Well, I am not
entirely sure that some people can completely recover from this malady. I
am convinced, however, that the AA program has at least helped me come to
terms with many of my own problems with low self-esteem. But I suspect
that the fundamental problem is much like my problem with alcohol: The
problem is arrested, but it is never cured. In the same way, I have been
able to make up for a deficiency of self-esteem, but the problem often
reasserts itself at the very moment I think I've acquired true
self-confidence.
But I am in good company. I have been a devoted student of the writings
of Bill W., the AA co-founder who produced much of the textbook
AIcoholics Anonymous and its companion volume Twelve Steps and
Twelve Traditions. If there is any message that comes through loud and
clear in Bill's writings, it is that he continued to suffer from low
self-esteem and various other inferiority feelings throughout his long
years of sobriety.
What is self-esteem? I define it as the total perception one has of his
own intrinsic worth. There are many related, almost synonymous terms for
self-esteem. There are lots of references, for example, to self-concept,
self-image, self-consistency, self-confidence, and self-assurance. A
person acquires and maintains a number of beliefs and feelings about
himself, and these beliefs and feelings then control and shape his
behavior. The columnist Sydney J. Harris recently pointed out that almost
anybody you might designate as "difficult"--a troublemaker, a braggart, a
sneak, an alibier, a die-hard, an apple-polisher--suffers from low
self-esteem. "Such people basically do not like themselves (whether they
know it or not)," Mr. Harris writes. "[They] are not satisfied with
themselves, and seek to achieve gratification by manipulating the outside
world, rather than by reforming their own personality structure."
Mr. Harris might have added the alcoholic to his list of difficult
persons. Drinking can almost be described as a frantic attempt to win
approval from oneself and from others. This attempt is doomed to failure
from the start. For one thing, most of the alcoholic's efforts to win
approval tend to engulf him in further difficulties. I told lies in bars
because I had a low opinion of myself and mistakenly believed that
falsehoods would cause me to be admired and accepted. But my lies caused
me to hate myself and undoubtedly caused others to further despise me.
Also to get attention, I talked loudly in bars and ridiculed certain
people. But I then wanted to crawl into the earth and hide when my insane
remarks were repeated back to me. Sometimes, I bought drinks for others in
a show of generosity. I then hated myself because I was neglecting other
financial responsibilities.
Not every alcoholic is guilty of such exhibitionistic practices. Some
AA members were lone drinkers who hid from the world. Even here, however,
low self-esteem may have been the culprit; many of these persons tell of
their fear of meeting others and of facing the world. What can be the root
of such fear, if not the belief that one is unworthy and does not have a
rightful place in society?
It's unlikely that many alcoholics are willing or able to understand
such problems while they are still drinking. Most of us are so wrapped up
in ourselves--preoccupied with the problems of defending and maintaining a
drinking pattern--that we are unable to perceive why we behave as we do.
Improved self-understanding can come only with sobriety, and even then our
progress may be painfully slow. The recovering alcoholic who begins to
perceive that he suffers from low self-esteem also may be plunged into
depression and self-condemnation. He may even arrive at the erroneous
conclusion that his low self-esteem means that he has "problems other than
alcohol" or is not "working the program" in the right way.
Most of the articles I have read about low self-esteem lay the blame on
a person's upbringing. We did not learn to like ourselves in the right way
as children, and this deficiency turned into a major problem when we
became adults. Perhaps we were cruelly ridiculed because of personal
shortcomings or were unfairly compared with another person, whose behavior
was considered more acceptable. However, the child who is rejected and
criticized is not the only one who fails to develop self-esteem. The
person who is pampered and praised as a child may have similar problems,
if only because he perceives that such pampering is false and is perhaps
given as a reward for good behavior or certain achievements. In my
disorderly family environment, I was the child who seemingly did nothing
right, while my older sister was an outstanding student and the model of
the perfect child. But I learned years later that her self-esteem was no
higher than my own. She suffered from anxiety and depression during the
very years when she was receiving the most approval from others.
In looking back over a bumpy and unhappy experience as a child, it is
tempting to place blame on one's parents and to resign oneself to a
lifetime of problems simply because one's early development was neglected.
But this form of resignation is unnecessary if we have available the
principles of AA. The AA Fellowship is really a "second chance" program
for people who made a number of false starts in life. We may always have a
trace of anxiety or doubt that blocks our route to the kind of self-esteem
we envy in others. Nonetheless, we can build and maintain a fairly high
self-esteem that will enable us to live comfortably and to work
effectively most of the time. There are many ideas in AA that will help us
reach that goal.
One of these ideas is AA's pure democracy, its acceptance of any
person, without reference to sex, age, class, creed, color, religion, or
occupation. I once envied people who belonged to exclusive clubs
(although, like Groucho, I would have resigned from any club that would
have accepted me for membership!). I thought that the path to
importance--and presumably the path to self-esteem--lay in the direction
of possessing hard-to-get memberships and other symbols of distinction. I
would not have believed that one could enhance one's own self-respect by
joining an outfit such as AA--an outfit that was open to anybody and had
many former outcasts in its ranks.
But it was AA's inclusiveness that taught me to respect my fellow
members as persons, rather than as representatives of social, business, or
racial groups. Sure, I still made friends with those who shared my
interests, and I could still be awed when a wealthy person or a local
celebrity joined the group. I learned, however, that it was wrong to look
down upon certain people or to expect other people to look up to me. In
learning this, I began to feel more self-confident and comfortable around
people I had formerly envied. Quite often, I found that many of the
seemingly important people needed more help than the persons who had come
to AA as outcasts. Alcohol does not discriminate. Neither does God,
according to the Scriptures. And the closer we get to the real principles
of AA, the more we are able to perceive that we have self-respect when we
learn to respect all others in a general, impersonal way.
Another idea of AA is the continuous inventory, the Tenth Step routine
that suggests a review of our motives and actions when things go wrong. I
discovered that I did not like the Tenth Step very well. I preferred never
to be wrong, and my meager self-esteem was easily bruised when I was
proven wrong. But I could not build genuine self-esteem by ignoring or
denying my mistakes. I had to face them. I also learned that I did not
think well of myself when I tried to build myself up at the expense of
others.
Sometimes, I found my feelings and actions puzzling. Even in sobriety,
I would do and say things that seemed stupid. One such problem, which came
to my attention some years ago, was my inability to protect company
secrets. Largely as a result of several years' sobriety, I had been
promoted to a supervisory position with a manufacturing firm. At times, I
was given confidential information that would not be released to the
public or other employees for several weeks.
On one occasion, I am sorry to say, I told certain people within the
company about an important executive promotion that was in the works. This
betrayal of trust did not damage the company in any way, but I went
through an agony of self-crucifixion when I realized what I had done. Why
was I not more trustworthy? What had gotten into me? Did I still need to
be restored to sanity?
I found the explanation for my behavior in a magazine article by a
popular writer. The article discussed a young man who, like me, had been
promoted within a company, but still felt rather insecure and inferior
among associates who surpassed him in educational and social credentials.
He would reveal company secrets in order to get the attention and approval
of others. In a short time, this had backfired, and he was about to lose
his job because of his unreliability. The real cause of his trouble,
however, was not stupidity. He simply lacked sufficient self-esteem, and
he was trying to get it by obtaining approval from his associates. In some
ways, this compulsive behavior resembled the barroom lies and boasting of
the alcoholic.
I could certainly see myself in this case history, and I made a
successful effort thereafter to use better judgment in the way I handled
company information. Since then, I have dealt with confidential material
for years without yielding to the temptation to discuss it with
unauthorized persons. There is still an urge to let others know that I
have access to certain company secrets; I sense this most strongly when I
am around a person who makes me feel a bit inferior. But by being aware of
my own motives and unmet needs, I have so far been able to live up to my
responsibilities in keeping company secrets.
Still another AA idea is that we should avoid becoming too dependent on
others or trying to dominate or use people. I do not like to admit it, but
I have often used other AAs as crutches for my battered self-esteem. When
I was criticized or rejected, I would rush off to find reassurance from
certain AA members who usually had been willing to tell me what I wanted
to hear. I have served in this same capacity for other AAs whose own
sagging confidence needed bolstering.
Up to a point, this practice is an acceptable part of AA. But it can
also retard our growth. After all, we must eventually develop the ability
to decide when we are right and when we are wrong. If our motives and
actions are right, we should not need reassurance. If we are wrong, there
is nothing that reassurance can supply as a remedy. A friend of mine puts
it this way: "If my ways are right, I cannot fail; if my ways are wrong. I
cannot succeed." There are times when a right action will bring criticism
and disapproval, while a wrong action may bring applause. We must not
deceive ourselves. We will maintain lasting self-esteem only if we live
according to our inner convictions.
Implicit in the AA program is another important idea--that we should
not solicit public applause, although it is desirable to cultivate
friendship and goodwill. This principle was designed to protect the
Fellowship and the sensitive member, but it is also a useful standard for
the person who has been hungering and thirsting for applause. The
individual who has an insatiable need for applause may ask himself whether
he is trying to obtain self-esteem through others. If he is so motivated,
his effort is bound to fail, because there is no way that the crowd's
approval can serve as a lasting substitute for real self-esteem. It is
notorious that some actors and other celebrities have had a pathetic
reliance on popularity as a means of building self-esteem. But this does
not really work. There is an almost delirious feeling of well-being that
accompanies any public triumph, but it quickly subsides, and the applause
usually is shifted to another figure. If we have a need for the limelight,
there is always an anxious feeling that we will not receive the proper
amount of applause the next time around, or that we will fall out of
favor.
I have arrived at the belief that applause is wonderful, but that it
cannot really do the job of strengthening my self-esteem. However pleasant
it is to be cheered and praised, we should also have the kind of
self-respect and self-confidence that enables us to survive occasional
criticism and condemnation. Perhaps Cromwell had something of this sort in
mind when he remarked that the crowds which were shouting his praises
would "turn out just as cheerfully to see me hanged."
Still another telltale of a self-esteem problem is the tendency to
maintain unusually high goals and to become depressed if the goals are not
reached. There is nothing wrong with forming high goals and striving to
reach them. But how are we to react if, for some reason, we fail to make
it all the way? Even worse, what if we fail miserably or don't even manage
to make a good start?
I believe the individual is in real trouble if his self-esteem is too
closely tied to certain achievements. Most of us are failures in some
things, successes in others. If we are trying to improve the quality of
our thinking and behavior, we will soon begin to know that each person is
likely to have a complex mixture of strengths and weaknesses. We are
successful if we are using our strengths properly and are improving upon
our weaknesses. We should not be too harsh on ourselves when we fail.
Quite often, the failure to reach one goal may be instrumental in pointing
us toward new goals that could turn out to be more suitable for our
purposes.
I believe today that the AA principle of anonymity, in its spiritual
usage, is the best route to genuine self-esteem. Anonymity, at the
practical level, is a principle suggesting that we do not identify
ourselves as AA members in the public media. At the spiritual level, the
anonymity principle shows us how to establish right relationships with
ourselves, our neighbors, and our Creator. It will work unfailingly if
given a chance, and we will soon realize that we are also able to meet
most of our very human needs for self-esteem.
There are several ancient ideas that seem to be the sources of AA's
anonymity principle. One of these ideas is that a person should not have a
"trumpet" sounded before him while he is doing good works. In other words,
we should know that good actions bring their own rewards in personal
well-being and may even be somewhat cheapened if, at the same time, we
seek approval from others. If we know that a certain action, such as
carrying the AA message, is right, we will also feel self-confident and
self-approving while we are participating in such an action. We will like
ourselves much better than we did when most of our effort was
self-serving. We will begin to feel useful. We will feel closer to others
and will become more conscious of their sufferings and needs. We will also
know that it is much better to do the right thing because it ought to be
done and not simply to win the approval of others.
Another ancient idea covered by the anonymity principle is that of the
trusted servant: The person who would be chief should be the servant of
all. This is important to remember when there's a temptation to use power
as a means of building self-esteem. It is false to believe that we can
ever find genuine self-esteem simply by acquiring power over other
people's lives. AA as a society has avoided the trap of power struggles by
refusing to create positions which would give unusual powers to
individuals.
But this does not protect the individual AA member from seeking
excessive power, in business and social organizations or from becoming a
tyrant in his own family. If an individual realizes that he has been
guilty of such practices, he may profit by taking an inventory that
includes a close look at his own motives. Have we been using power over
other people as a means of building ourselves up? Or are we guilty of a
reverse form of the same practice? Are we clinging to a more powerful
person whom we look to for support and approval? If so, we should reflect
that the right way to use any kind of power is for the service and benefit
of others. If any person in a position of responsibility will begin to
look upon himself as a trusted servant, he will actually find himself rich
in self-esteem.
Finally, there is a lot to be said for the ancient axiom "He who seeks
to save his life shall lose it, and he who seeks to lose his life shall
save it." This could be translated to mean: The person who seeks to find
self-esteem in this world will never find it, while the person who turns
his life over to the care and keeping of God will find that he has all the
self-esteem he needs (although he probably will not pause to reflect on
whether or not he has self-esteem!). The point of this is that too much
self-concern is always self-defeating. Evidently, genuine self-esteem
cannot be sought directly; it is a natural result of following a spiritual
way of life.
When does a person know whether he is making progress in building
self-esteem? I believe that we can measure our progress by studying our
own reactions. A person who lacks true self-esteem cannot stand criticism
and rejection. At the same time, he goes overboard when lie receives
approval and acceptance. In a way, this is similar to the alcoholic's
problem of being unable to stand either adversity or success. The person
who is growing in self-esteem can handle criticism as well as praise,
rejection as well as acceptance. Perhaps this person is beginning to
realize that one's view of himself should not be merely a mirror of other
people's opinions. If he has a measure of genuine self-esteem, he can use
criticism and praise as aids to progress, knowing that none of this either
adds to or subtracts from what he really is. It is always good to reflect
that every person, in the sight of God, is more than he seems to be in the
eyes of the world. When a person accepts this idea for himself, he accepts
it for everybody.
It is useful to remember, however, that the recovering alcoholic may
always be conscious of certain problems caused by low self-esteem. But we
can easily live with such problems; indeed, they can help us grow. And for
that matter, most people suffer from such problems to a certain extent, so
who are we to think we should have complete immunity?
Meanwhile, we can also laugh at ourselves. Several years ago, I was
invited to join the board of a local organization. My wife and I had a
hilarious time discussing the invitation. We agreed that the board
position must have been declined by several persons and that I was at
least fourth choice. But I accepted and enjoyed every minute of my
participation.
Perhaps Groucho Marx would
have enjoyed belonging to that country club, too!
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