To the Transcript of The Big Book Study with Joe McQ. and Charlie P.
Taped in Mesa, Arizona, February 6-8, 1987

(Disclaimer: This transcript is no substitute for the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." If you don't have one, it is strongly suggested that you get one, and read it. There is no affiliation with nor approval or endorsement from Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Joe and Charlie have not read this transcript. Some words have been changed or left out to make it easier to read. Nothing in parentheses are Joe and Charlie's own words. In a telephone conversation on 11/26/88, Charlie said it was okay to copy a transcript to help another drunk. He just didn't want anybody to sell it. To preserve that restriction, the transcriber has decided to include the following copyright notice: The Big Book Study(a.k.a. The Big Book Comes Alive) Copyright (c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. Direct quotes from the Big Book are set off by single quotation marks. It is the transcriber's good faith belief that their use is consistent with copyright law.

(Besides, not everything that's legal is a good idea. Is anyone out there, who volunteers to make this thing a better *.htm file?!)

Copyright notice: Alcoholics Anonymous, Copyright (c) 1939, 1955, 1976 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved. Trademark notice: Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and A.A. are registered trademarks of A.A. World Services, Inc.)

Transcript page number Big Book page number on the left in parentheses
(TAPE 1 SIDE A) 1 Introduction 2 How Joe and Charlie started their study of the Big Book 3 Spread of the Big Book Study tapes 4 History of the Big Book 5 Bill and Dr. Bob realize that forty people are now sober 6 First groups decide on paid missionaries, chain of hospitals, and book; only the book is actually begun 7 Table of Contents is explained (p. v) The Doctor's Opinion, Bill's Story (the problem) Chapters Two through Four (the solution) Chapters Five through Seven (the program of action) 8 Preface--two points are emphasized (p. xi) Big Book a textbook 9 Like a math textbook, begin at the beginning 10 Problems with starting newcomer at Chapter Five 11 Program in the Big Book is unchanged Forward to the First Edition--two points are emphasized (p. xxii) One hundred people not just one author 12 Big Book shows precisely how that one hundred recovered Big Book deals with recovery, not with fellowship Big Book is as precise as a cake recipe

13 Forward to the Second Edition--Bill and Dr. Bob (p. xv) 14 Dr. Bob and the Oxford Groups

(TAPE 1 SIDE B) 1 Dr. Bob gets message from Henrietta Dr. Bob prays with Oxford Group members but gets drunk 2 Bill brings Dr. Bob the problem as described by Dr. Silkworth (p. xvi ) 3 Dr. Bob sobers and with Bill they work on drunks (p. xvii) Akron, Ohio group forms They decide to publish a book Program in the fellowship has gotten away from program in the Big Book 4 Original program in Big Book was 75% successful (p. xx) The Doctor's Opinion--Dr. Silkworth describes two-fold disease Body AND mind of an alcoholic are both abnormal (p. xxiv) 5 Baffling from Solomon's time until Dr. Silkworth 6 Dr. Silkworth's opinion that we have an allergy to alcohol (p. xxiv ) 7 "Allergy" is an abnormal reaction, in this case to alcohol 8 Charlie describes his dramatically abnormal reaction to alcohol 9 Most alcoholics don't know what is either normal or abnormal


(TAPE 1 SIDE B continued) 10 Phenomenon of craving in allergic types only (p. xxvi) Joe describes normal drinkers on airplanes--no craving 11 Classification of alcoholics into five types 12 Only thing all types have in common is phenomenon of craving 13 Joe and Charlie's Disease Concept of Alcoholism Not A.A. information 14 Alcohol is broken down easily by the non-alcoholic (TAPE 2 SIDE A) 1 Alcohol broken down poorly or slowly by alcoholic Charlie describes a typical drinking escapade A man is supposed to clean up the yard, but goes to a bar 2 Drinking triggers the phenomenon of craving Phenomenon of craving gets worse with age or more drinking 3 Mental obsession of the man allergic to fish but eats it anyway 4 Alcoholics like the effect produced by alcohol (p. xxvi) Not the taste but the effect 5 Charlie describes how his mental obsession developed Alcoholics can't differentiate the true from the false (p. xxvi) 6 We are restless, irritable and discontent (p. xxvi-xxvii) Joe's example of the emotional barometer 7 Can't drink safely because of the body 8 Can't keep from drinking because of the mind 9 Will power is useless unless you see there is something wrong Without psychic change this is very little hope (p. xxvii) 10 Obsessions of other kinds are discussed--food, gambling, etc. 11 Bill was the first to know the problem, solution, and practical program of action 12 CHAPTER ONE, "Bill's Story" 13 Bill's Story is the textbook case study of active alcoholism (TAPE 2 SIDE B) 1 Like a Twelfth Step call, it describes Bill's disease to the newcomer 2 Law school to Wall Street--Bill's early days (p. 2) 3 Bill investigates companies on a motorcycle trip with Lois Fame and fortune come but drinking gets more serious; he becomes a lone wolf (p. 3) 4 Stock market crash, followed by financial decline (p. 4) 5 Liquor becomes a necessity, blows stock deal, "wakes up" (p. 5) 6 Bill tries to stop, steals from wife, fears suicide (p. 6) Uses sedative, goes to hospital, but gets drunk again (p. 7) 7 Pronounced hopeless, and admits alcohol his master (p. 8) 8 Bill talks to Ebby in his kitchen 9 Bill is "aghast" at Ebby's solution (p. 9) 10 Ebby's connection to Rowland H. and the Oxford Groups discussed 11 Bill balks at anything religious (p. 10-11) 12 Ebby tells Bill to choose his own conception of God (p. 12) 13 Bill tried to sober up with the Oxford Groups at first but fails Goes back to the hospital and finally accepts Ebby's proposals 14 All Twelve Steps are found on one page (p. 13) (TAPE 3 SIDE A) 1 Bill's spiritual experience (p. 14) CHAPTER TWO, "There is a Solution"--shows exactly what happened 2 We are people who normally would not mix (p. 17)


(TAPE 3 SIDE A continued) 3 Illustration of the passengers on an ocean liner Great difference between steerage and Captain's table 4 Great power in the fellowship is one element that binds us The common solution is the other essential element 5 Common solution is tremendous fact that binds us Many today just use the fellowship and not the solution Solution should be pointed out to the newcomer 6 Charlie talks about this illustration Different races at the Big Book Study Charlie finally made it to the Captain's table 7 Three types of drinkers are moderate social, heavy, real alcoholic (p. 20-21) 8 Description of real alcoholic (p. 21-22) 9 Why does he start?--problem centers in his mind (p. 22-23) 10 We are without defence against the first drink (p. 24) 11 Failure of defence against the hot stove Charlie recalls being burned by stove Most alcoholics are beyond human aid, so fellowship isn't enough 12 There is a solution--the effective spiritual experience 13 Difficult to continue without an understanding of this term Most have a wrong conception of spiritual experience Charlie tells about his Aunt Molly's experience 14 Appendix II explains spiritual experience, spiritual awakening Personality change sufficient to recover (p. 569) Readers of first printing thought it had to be sudden (TAPE 3 SIDE B) 1 Most experiences are of the educational variety Others see it, then he realizes Profound alteration in his reaction to life Not brought about by himself alone 2 Tapped unsuspected inner resource (p. 570) 3 No middle-of-the-road solution, only two alternatives (p. 25) Go on to the bitter end (the problem of Step One) Accept spiritual help (the solution of Step Two) 4 Rowland H. was treated by Dr. Carl Jung for a year (p. 26) 5 Pronounced hopeless without a vital spiritual experience Huge emotional displacement and rearrangements 6 Three things come together in Bill's mind Problem from Dr. Silkworth Solution from Dr. Carl Jung Recovery program from Oxford Groups 7 CHAPTER THREE, "More About Alcoholism"--the mental obsession is illustrated by four examples Insanity is not what we do when drunk, it's believing a lie 8 We're like a pie with a piece missing, not all gone 9 Circle of recovery, the old member helps new see the truth 10 Great obsession that we will control and enjoy drinking (p. 30) 11 Methods we have tried, "ad infinitum" (p. 31) Might try controlled drinking (p. 31-32; first method of diagnosing yourself as alcoholic) 12 Man of thirty stays dry for twenty-five years, drinks again and dies in four years (p. 32-33)


(TAPE 3 SIDE B continued) Might try to stop drinking for a year (p. 34; second method of diagnosis) 13 Might look at the mental states that precede drinking (p. 34-35; third method of diagnosis) Story of the car salesman, Jim--keeps getting drunk (p. 35) (TAPE 4 SIDE A) 1 Joe and Charlie look at Jim's story for sanity and insanity 2 Jim's insane decision to drink whiskey in milk (p. 36) 3 Insanity is the lack of proportion and the ability to think straight about alcohol (p. 37) 4 We are as insane as the jay-walker who can't stay out of traffic (p. 37-38) 5 Absolutely unable to stop on the basis of self-knowledge (p. 39) Story of the accountant, Fred--gets drunk on Washington trip (P. 39) 6 Decides to have cocktails with dinner (p. 41) 7 Alcoholic has no effective mental defence against the first drink (P. 43) 8 CHAPTER FOUR, "We Agnostics"--the spiritual kindergarten Two questions to determine if you're alcoholic (p. 44) When you honestly want to, you can't quit entirely Little control over amount you take Three attitudes toward God are discussed: atheist, agnostic, or true believer 10 Codes and philosophies didn't save us (p. 45)

11 Lack of power, that was our dilemma (p. 45)

Main object of book is to find that Power The Power will solve your problem Do I believe or am I even willing to believe? (p. 47) Believing is the cornerstone 12 Believing is just being suspicious, not faith as yet

13 In the past men were fettered by fixed ideas (p. 51)

14 Joe and Charlie discuss Bill's example of Columbus

Five hundred years ago you couldn't believe differently 15 Columbus had courage to believe, "a good alcoholic trait" (TAPE 4 SIDE B) 1 We can't give a newcomer our faith which is based on Steps Three through Twelve, we can help newcomer come to believe. 2 First they believe, then decide, then take action 3 Deep down inside is the fundamental idea of God (p. 55) God isn't lost, He dwells within us 4 We need to peel away the garbage 5 We now have the diagnosis of Step One and the prescription of Step Two CHAPTER FIVE, "How It Works"--the directions to Step Three and Step Four Joe talks about how Bill wrote the Steps one evening 6 Charlie reads from the original manuscript of "How It Works" 7 Designed to sell you three pertinent ideas 8 The original Twelfth Step calls are discussed In two visits they took newcomer through Steps One and Two The book does this in The Doctor's Opinion and first four chapters


(TAPE 4 SIDE B continued) The early A.A. members started the newcomer at Step Three . when they sponsored them into the group 9 There was a big fight over the first of Chapter Five 10 Bill intended and wanted "directions" not "suggestions" 11 Bill gave in but used "directions" everywhere else Charlie tells the drunken burglar joke Being convinced we were at Step Three (p. 60) 12 Charlie discuss "decision" to take a trip 13 Will is my thinking, life is my actions (TAPE 5 SIDE A) 1 We must decide between problem and the solution 2 Joe was afraid he would end up in the Salvation Army Band Joe discusses will It's like a last will and testament 3 Animals don't have self-will but humans do, and we need it Adam and Eve in "serenity park" 4 Charlie discusses the three basic instincts of life 5 Social instinct is a strong desire to be part of the group 6 Security instinct, from earliest times was necessary for survival Sex instinct also gives only a temporary feeling 7 Self-will cannot overcome self-will 8 Joe says the instincts are like the utilities of a building The root of our troubles (p. 62) 9 We had to quit playing God; God is the Director Build an arch to freedom, we get positive results 10 Third Step prayer (p. 63) 11 Fourth Step housecleaning begins AT ONCE, or self-will stops us 12 Not a list of dirty nasty things Resentment is to judge incorrectly and is a wrong 13 Fear is to believe incorrectly and is a wrong Harm to others is a wrong 14 Charlie's first inventory wasn't very helpful (TAPE 5 SIDE B) 1 Inventory guides have confused people a lot 2 Bill used the parable of a business inventory (p. 64) Business inventory and personal inventory are compared It's always a written list of items Without it we "go broke," that is we get drunk 3 "Moral" means truthful 4 "Stock-in-trades means what is in our heads today 5 We searched out the flaws in our make-up that block us (p. 64) Three manifestations of self, resentments, fears, and harms to others. 6 RESENTMENT is the "number one" offender (p. 64) Joe says we replay it to excuse ourselves and accuse others 7 We must analyze these resentments (p. 70) 8 Joe and Charlie interpret the inventory on page sixty-five 9 List from top to bottom all the people, institutions, and principles we're mad at. 10 List from top to bottom what they did to make us mad 11 List from top to bottom what part of self is affected 12 We went back through our lives (p. 66)

6 (TAPE 5 SIDE B continued) 13 Charlie tells how he squandered time through resentments 14 Resentments cut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit (p. 66) (TAPE 6 SIDE A) 1 People, some long dead, dominate us through our resentments 2 Fourth Step prayer is seldom mentioned but very useful (p. 67) 3 "Freedom from Bondage"--example of prayer to remove resentment Some deep resentments will not "analyze out" (p. 551) Pray for the person for two weeks (p. 552) 4 Charlie did this on a partner that he had hated and it worked 5 In the fourth column we looked for our own mistakes (p. 67) Joe did this on his resentment toward his mother-in-law 6 We can now choose to be resentment free if we work at this 7 Charlie talks about resentments toward business partner and his wife 8 Charlie tells about a man who resents his neighbor painting the house next door 9 FEAR is useful when it gives us caution We reviewed our fears thoroughly (p. 68) 11 List all our fears from top to bottom first List why we had them, example IRS because we cheated them List what part of self is affected 12 List exact nature of the wrong 13 Most fears will look pretty double dumb, for others we use prayer

(TAPE 6 SIDE B) 1 HARMS DONE TO OTHERS--especially through sex conduct The quickest way to hurt others is through sex Animals don't have our problems with sex 2 We think about it before, during, and after, and must make decisions about our actions Many need an overhauling, but we try to be sensible (p. 68) 3 Some want more and more sex, others think it's shameful (p. 69) Big Book wants to stay out of this controversy We review our conduct of the past The inventory is done in the same way as resentments and fears List the people we have hurt, for example: spouse, partners, children hurt by adultery (column one) List what we did (column two) 5 List what part of self caused this action (column three) Sex used to build our own ego Sex used to buy emotional and material security Sex used for revenge, or to get our way 6 Most often the cause in not the sex instinct but the social and security instinct We find the same character defects (column four) 7 We tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future (p. 69) The test--selfish or not? Ask God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them 8 Avoid hysterical thinking or advice (p. 70) 9 If we continue to hurt others we are quite sure to drink If sex is very troublesome we help others (but not by having sex with them!)

10 There has already been a lot of personality change


(TAPE 6 SIDE B continued)

Also add anyone we have harmed that hasn't shown up so far and we have the names for the Eighth Step

11 If we have listed and analyzed our "grosser handicaps" (resentments, fears, and harms to others) in a Fourth Step we have made a good beginning (p. 71) CHAPTER SIX, "Into Action"--directions for Steps Five through Eleven

12 We start reaching out to others with Step Five Bill uses shortcomings, wrongs, and defects interchangeably

13 Solitary self-appraisal insufficient (p. 72) If we skip Step Five we may drink

14 We share all our life story in the three areas of our "grosser handicaps" We are very much the actor (p. 73)

(TAPE 7 SIDE A) 1 Step Five helps me be honest with me One purpose of Step Five is to improve Step Four inventory particularly as to the fourth column, what I did wrong

2 How to choose someone to hear the Fifth Step (p. 74)

3 Promises after the Fifth Step (p. 75) Returning home we are quiet for an hour and review what we have done and check the first five Steps (p. 75)

4 Step Six we are willing or ask God for help to become willing to remove things which are now objectionable 5 Step Seven prayer is discussed 6 Charlie says we try to practice the opposite of the character defect 7 Joe says that Steps Six and Seven are tools of change, the pick and shovel of recovery 8 Successful living means the daily dying of our old ways 9 Charlie says that we are now responsible for the way we feel 10 Steps Eight and Nine--going to any lengths (p. 76) 11 The three dimensions of life are discussed: mental, physical, and spiritual 12 We become willing to make amends, but usually not to everyone on the list at the beginning Direct amends means face to face wherever possible, and equal restitution (often in regular payments of money where owed) 13 Steps give us a design for living 14 Big Book deals with all kinds of amends questions

(TAPE 7 SIDE B) 1 There is no need to work Step Nine "off the wall" Don't make amends if it will harm others, we don't beg them 2 Dr. Bob couldn't stay sober until he made amends 3 Charlie reads the promises after Step Nine (p. 83-84) 4 We have to work for them before we get them, like Charlie when he was a boy so he could get to go to the movies on Saturday 5 Charlie re-reads them adding "When I took a drink of alcohol" We get the same ease and comfort from the Steps as from alcohol 6 Greatest waste in A.A. is the people who are "just not drinking," they miss the fourth dimension of life Last three Steps are growth Steps not just maintenance Steps


(TAPE 7 SIDE B continued) 7 Step Ten is really doing Steps Four through Nine on a daily basis (p. 84) 8 There is danger in working Step Ten "off the wall" We don't wait until night to do Step Ten 9 Tenth Step promises are read (p. 84-85) 10 Somewhere between page forty-five and eighty-five the obsession is removed We are not cured of alcoholism, we have a daily reprieve (p. 85) 11 Vital sixth sense (p. 85) 12 Step Eleven suggest prayer and meditation (p. 85) 13 At night we constructively review our day (p. 86) Have we been doing Step Ten today? Joe and Charlie have a helpful review sheet 14 On awakening we consider our plans (p. 86)

(TAPE 8) 1 We ask God to direct our thinking (p. 86) Joe asks is my life as good as my mind? Charlie tells the brain transplant joke 2 We may face indecision (p. 86) We are very limited in our information God has ten-thousand great answers for each question We ask God for inspiration; we don't struggle (p. 86) 3 More and more on the plane of inspiration (p. 87) Classic Western prayer and meditation Prayer is asking for direction, meditation is listening for the answer Sometimes God speaks to us through other people 4 Charlie tells of a group that tried Eastern meditation Careful to make no requests for ourselves only (p. 87) 5 Joe examines the prayer life from his youth 6 When Joe was a boy, one man asked for everything in heaven 7 We pause when agitated or doubtful (p. 87) Promises or results of Step Eleven (p. 88) Step Twelve is discussed briefly 8 Charlie discuss spiritual awakening as THE result of these Steps 9 We carry a very simple message

10 We are uniquely able to help alcoholics 11 A.A. could fail unless we stick to what works

The people who carried the message to Joe and Charlie didn't stay

sober 12 Joe discusses the failure of the Washingtonians of the 1840's 13 Joe says that Big Book teaches him how to live

Charlie says that the hardest place to practice the principles is

in his own home 14 Our book is meant to be suggestive only (p. 164) (END OF TAPES)

(Begin Side A of Tape 1) C Hi everybody, my name is Charlie P - ----, and I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. Hi, Charlie. C Because I'm a member of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and by the grace of the Power that I found in the Twelve Step program of "Alcoholics Anonymous", I haven't found it necessary to take a drink for 6,309 days today, one day at a time, and for this I'm very grateful. Sure is good to be in Arizona, doing a Big Book study. We talked about this seems like two or three years ago--and I thought it was going to be a long time and all of a sudden here it is. We're sitting in the middle of Arizona and get to talk about the thing we love to talk about the most. The only thing I can really say at the present time, from the looks of the visitors that stood up, there must be some damn heavy drinkers down there in Tucson. (laughter) Hell of a bunch of them up here. J Bill and A1 back there. C Yeah, we just saw two good friends come in from Los Angeles. How about that. Hi Bill and A1. Good to see you all. We always like to say at the beginning of one of these things that we do not consider ourselves to be the gurus of the Big Book. We are most certainly not experts on anything period. We do not speak for A.A. as a whole. Nobody can do that. And you are most certainly free to agree or disagree with anything that we say this weekend as you see fit. In fact we would recommend you pay no attention to anything that we're going to say, if you can't reconcile it with what's in the Big Book or other A.A. Conference approved material. We're just a couple of drunks who happened to meet years ago, and found a mutual interest in the Big Book, and began to study it together, and hopefully we've learned a couple of things about it. We love to share what little bit we know with other people. We like to laugh and we like to cut up and we love to have

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1A-2

fun. We believe we should be Joyous, happy, and free. We love to tell jokes and from time to time we'll do that. I think we'll find there's a lot of humor in the Big Book--a lot of things we can laugh at and have a good time with.

We try to keep one of these things just as informal as we possibly can. We know the mind can only absorb about what the rear end can stand. Some of these sessions will become quite long. You may feel the need to get up and walk around a little bit. If you do, please feel free to do that. That won't bother us at all. You may feel the need to get up and go get yourself a cup of coffee. As I understand it., coffee will always be there. So if you need a cup of coffee, please feel free to go get that at any time. You may feel it necessary to get up and go get rid of a cup of coffee and if you do, (laughter) please feel free to do that also .

What we really want to do is have a good time this weekend: all of us enjoy it, all of us kind of make it a learning session. Maybe we can learn something about our Big Book, and about the twelve steps contained therein, the program of recovery. Hopefully, we'll all leave here Sunday, being able to look back over a weekend that we've really had a good time and we've learned a few things also. Joe. J My name is Joe, and I'm a real alcoholic.

Hi Joe. J Through God's grace and because of this program working each day of my life, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol since March the tenth of 1962, and for this I'm grateful.

Usually in the beginning, I...tell you a little bit about what the Big Book study is all about; where we'll be coming from this weekend. As Charlie said, this began some years ago. Along about 1971 I began my work with alcoholics, and I do--I work with alcoholics today. It was during this time of my life, about fifteen for sixteen years ago, that I became interested in looking at the Big Book in a different light. In order to work with people, I knew that I needed to know more about the workings and the applications of the Big Book.

So I ... began to study--I began to study at this time, and this was about a year and a half before I met Charlie...As I studied I found I began to get just a few insights into the Big Book. I began to share these things with other people--attempt to. But I found to my amazement very few people were interested in the Big Book. In my community I couldn't find anybody to talk to, and I began to wonder if I wasn't wrong. Maybe I was the only one who had this interest. In fact, I became somewhat of a nuisance around A.A. When they saw me coming they would run off because they didn't want to hear about the Big Book.

I remember this period of time. In...the spring of 1973, I was asked to introduce the speaker at the Al-Anon convention. And quite naturally I volunteered. My wife today says in A.A. that I would volunteer for anything before I found out what it was. I did volunteer to introduce the speaker. I looked at the program and I see this guy's name on there, Charlie P. I'd never met

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1A-3

Charlie before. He lives about 225 miles from me. I hadn't met him before. As I introduced him that night--I met him just before the meeting and introduced him that night. I told the audience that I was very disappointed in the speaker because I'd seen his name was Charlie P. and I thought it was going to be Charlie Pride. This guy wasn't even the right color (laughter)

After the meeting was over that night and everybody got through talking to him, we were standing around behind the podium. I guess it's been a memorable day of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous, the night we met. I began to immediately do my usual thing. I began to share with him my great interest in the Big Book, and that I was studying the Big Book, and these things that I saw. And he was very interested. He was the first person I had met in Alcoholics Anonymous who was interested in what I was saying. So we became mutual friends that night over the Big Book. I think right that night we made plans to see each other. At different times...Charlie would...come to Little Rock, and sometimes we would meet at different conferences. We would study the book together, and make notes, and...over a period of years we were able to piece together the information we'll be talking about tonight on the Big Book. Some weekends I would travel to Charlie's farm on the hill. As he said, and we would spend the weekend studying the Big Book. This went on from about 1973 to 1977. We studied the book together for almost four years.

We would have these little studies together in the hotel rooms at conferences. Sometimes people would come in and sit in the meetings. They would ask--when they found out what we we're doing--they'd say: can we sit in? I said well, it don't make any difference. I remember the first guy that came in. Charlie asked me would it be alright. I said, I guess it's alright. Over the period of these four years, finally the hotel room would be full at each conference on Saturday evening when we would study the Big Book.

There was a man in one of those studies and...he said, that is good! I would like for my group to hear this. He said, would you all come to my group and put it on for the weekend. I remember--we were talking about it tonight--at that time I said, well I guess so if anyone wants to listen to it, but I can't imagine nobody'll want to listen to this all weekend.

What we did--we went to Lawton, Oklahoma, and there were thirty-five people there that night we did the Big Book study. This is where the Lawton tapes were made. The first tapes were of the Big Book study that weekend. These tapes went all over A.A. and all over the world. This is actually what started us in the Big Book study. It was a small beginning, like every thing else in Alcoholics Anonymous. We'll be--last year we probably did over thirty Big Book studies all over the United States and Australia and Canada.

Actually the growth of it began--up until about 1980 we would do five or six Big Book studies a year. Very few people in A.A. had really reached some of the tapes. But in 1980 a great friend of ours we have that's passed on, Wesley, in Florida. He

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1A-4

was a great student of the book. He was very enthused--we met him in Omaha late in 1978--and he was quite enthused because he had been a student of the book for many years, but he had never really unlocked the total concept of the Big Book. He had been a student of the book way before Charlie and I came into the program. He was quite enthused with...the way we...saw the Big Book.

He asked could he--in 1980 he was the chairman of the international luncheon at the international conference in New Orleans--he asked Charlie and I, could he give away a hundred sets of Big Book tapes. And we told him...we have nothing to do with any tapes or anything. We told him we don't have anything to do with tapes. I guess so ...you can give them away. It doesn't make any difference. So he was over the international luncheon and what he did--he gave away a hundred sets of Big Book study tapes as door prizes. You would have had to have known Wes, he was a cunning and baffling alcoholic. C Powerful too. J He was powerful. He was over the luncheon so, he seated each person. He knew where each person would be seated. So he chose the people to win these tapes. (laughter) He picked out the people to win these tapes so they would go back to all countries, to every state and every community. So actually this was when the great interest in the Big Book study began. So...Charlie and I have had the great opportunity to go to many states and many places and overseas and Australia and New Zealand, Canada and the Bahamas, to talk with people about the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." But still we feel it's the same simple thing as the beginning, a group of people getting together to learn more about the program (in) "Alcoholics Anonymous."

C And I think if we're going to study our Big Book, which hopefully that's what we're going to do this weekend. We need to go back, and we need to look at a little bit of the history of the book. We need to see how it came into being, and why it came into being, in order to really understand the sequence that the book is written in.

We always kind of like to go back to the summer of 1937, when two fellows in Akron, Ohio, a guy named Dr. Bob Smith and another fellow named Bill Wilson, sat down in Dr. Bob's kitchen. They counted heads on the number of people that they knew that were staying sober on this information that had been presented to them throughout the latter part of the 1930's .

Bill had learned some of this information from a guy named Dr. Silkworth in the Towns Hospital in the summer of 1933. Bill had learned some of this information from a fellow named Ebby Thatcher in the fall of 1934. Ebby had learned some of this information from a fellow named Rowland Hazzard, who had learned it from Dr. Jung over in Switzerland. Ebby had brought this information to his old friend Bill in New York City, trying to help Bill recover from the disease of alcoholism.

When Bill found out a total of three things, then Bill was able to recover from his disease. He found out first from Dr.

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1A-5

Silkworth what his problem was, (p. 7, par. 2) the disease of alcoholism. He had never known that before. He found out from Ebby what the solution would be for his problem, (p. 12, par. 4) the need for a vital spiritual experience, (p. 27, per. 5) which had come from Dr. Jung through Rowland H. through Ebby to Bill. He also found out from Ebby a little practical program of action (p. 9, par. 7) that Ebby had learned from a group of Christian fundamentalists who were practicing First Century Christianity, called the Oxford Groups. (p. xvi, par. 1)

Based upon these three pieces of information, Bill was able to take the practical program of action, apply it in his life, and have what he always referred to as a vital spiritual experience, and recovered from his disease of alcoholism. Then he in turn in 1935, had visited with this Dr. Bob in Akron, and he had brought some of the information to Dr. Bob. Basically, what is the problem: the disease idea of alcoholism. Then Dr. Bob through the application of the practical program of action from the Oxford Groups had also had what he referred to as a vital spiritual experience, and recovered from his disease. (p. xvi, par. 3)

Then in turn they had spread this to other people, (p. 156-161) and by the summer of 1937, as they sat down in Dr. Bob's house and counted heads, they realized in three strange groups, one in Cleveland, one in Akron and one in New York City, and various ones or twos around the country in the Northeastern part of United States there was a total of forty people sober based on this information. (p. xvii, par. 2-4; and "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age," p. 76)

And I think for the first time they realized that maybe they did have the answer to the disease of alcoholism. Maybe if all alcoholics knew these three things: what is the problem, what is the solution, and what is the practical program of action, that perhaps they would be able to help literally hundreds and then thousands of people to recover from this disease.

I'm almost sure that night Bill said, "Dr. Bob what do you think we ought to do with this information?" And probably Dr. Bob said, "Beats the hell out of me Billy Boy, what do you think?" (laughter) Maybe this was the time the first group conscience really came into being in Alcoholics Anonymous because they decided that they didn't need to make this decision by themselves. They said there's several of us here in Akron that are staying sober. Let's call a meeting of these people, and during that meeting we will discuss and decide what to do with this information. ("Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age'' pp. 144146)

They called a meeting. That night at that meeting there were approximately eighteen people there. The whole thrust of the meeting was: what are we going to do with this information so in turn, we can give it away and help other people? Thank God that their idea was not that, well, there's forty of us, already sober and that's enough. We don't need to help anybody else. Thank God their idea wasn't that now that we're sober we'll say home and

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1A-6

let the other people go to the devil. The whole thrust and idea of the meeting was how can we best present this information to other alcoholics suffering in the United States and Canada, and basically throughout the world.

That night at that meeting in 1937, they decided to do three things, all for the purpose of being able to better carry this message to the alcoholic that still suffers. The first thing they decided upon, voted upon, and approved that night was that they would build a chain of hospitals throughout the entire United States and Canada, and eventually throughout the world, so that all alcoholics wherever they may be would have the possibility of recovering from the disease. Maybe the first floor they would have a withdraw unit, a detoxification unit. Maybe on the second floor a treatment center where they could carry them through the planned program of action. Maybe on the third floor a retraining center, where they could train them into occupations so they could find a job.

Joe and I always laugh about that. We don't know any alcoholics that need to be retrained. Most of us have got four or five occupations. (laughter) You damn near have to have if you're practicing alcoholic.

Maybe the top floor would be a live in, work out arrangement, where they could live and work in a structured environment for an extended period of time.

The second thing they voted upon and decided that night was to hire and train a group of paid missionaries to send them out throughout the world to carry this great message to all who suffered.

And probably some pragmatic individual in the back of the room said those are great ideas, but where in the world are we going to get the money to pay for that? And somebody came up with the idea that maybe we ought to write a book. And if we write this book, we will give all this information that we have learned ourselves during this two year period from 1935 to 1937. This book will carry this information to alcoholics throughout the world. It will be such a great best seller that we will almost immediately make millions of dollars. Then we'll take that money, and we'll build the hospitals and hire and train the missionaries.

Thank God only one of the three come true. The three things they decided that night--the only one that came true was the writing of the book. The book was to give to the person in Arizona, the person in California, the one in Oklahoma, the one in Florida, the same information that all forty of those people had had to learn themselves in order to recover from their disease. Because they knew they would not be able to see everybody on a one on one basis. They were all in the Northeastern part of the United States.

But the book was to be written in the same sequence, the same information, the same knowledge that those forty people had all used also. All forty of them had recovered basically on three pieces of information. Number one: What is the problem? Number

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two: What is the solution? And number three: The practical program of action necessary to find that solution.

Of course they told Bill to write the book. They said Bill, you know more about it than anybody else, after all you're the one who started this thing. You've been sober longer than any of the rest of us, and at that time it was about three years. They said, now Bill, this is not to be your book. This book is to be the collective knowledge and experience and wisdom of all forty of us. When the book is completed, it will carry the message of how we recovered from our disease, so other people can apply it in their life in the same manner. And by putting it down in the written form, it will remain the same. It will not become garbled, nor will it be lost in the future.

They reserved the right to read each chapter as it was written. They said, Bill, we will read it. We will delete what we don't like. We will change what we want to, and we'll add in whatever we think is necessary. And whenever the book is through, it will be a compilation of the knowledge and experience of all of us, not just one alcoholic.

Now, as we read and study the book this weekend, I think this is what we basically need to keep in mind: that the book was written to present this information in the same sequence that they had to know it also. We're going to find certain parts of the book will deal with what is the problem, and certain parts will deal with what is the solution, and certain parts will deal with the practical program of action necessary to find that solution. The same sequence that the first forty--who later turned out to be one hundred by 1939--the same sequence they had to know it.

Joe and I have always said that if we ever found a reason to study the table of contents, that's where we would start. And today we think we found that reason. So if you would, and you have your book, and you're ready to go, let's open her up to the table of contents (page roman numeral v), and we'll start there.

You have some handout sheets which you received at the door. From time to time we'll be putting a little picture up here on the wall behind us which will match your handout sheets as we go through in order to discuss certain points in the book. Joe. J As Charlie has said, you know the great simplicity of the Big Book is laid out on a basic...plan of any problem solving method. We have many different problems in our lives. But all these problems can be solved with one procedure.

The first step in problem solving is to find out: what is the problem? And this is the foundation. This is why (in) the First Step we say we're powerless over alcohol--that our live are unmanageable. This is a problem statement. This is a statement of what the problem is. The first thing you do in problem solving is to find out: what is the problem? When you go to a doctor, the first thing the doctor does is make a diagnosis, to find out: what is the problem? Because the problem is that information that determines the solution. So what is the problem is the most important information, and that is the first step.

Step # 1-12 Big Book Page # xi Tape 1A-8

You know, we say alcoholism is a unique illness. It's the only illness in which the patient has to make a self-diagnosis. And it's very hard to do, too, by the way. Most alcoholics living today in our time--with all the treatment, and all the A.A., and all the information--most alcoholics, 95 out of every 100 alcoholics, will die never knowing they were alcoholics. Alcoholism is a strange illness, it's the only illness that tells the patient he ain't got it. That's the way you can tell who's got it. The one who swears he ain't got it, has got it. (laughter)

So the first step in recovery is: what is the problem? This information basically came from Dr. Silkworth. Dr. Silkworth was the person who determined the problem of alcoholism. He gave this to Bill. So we're going to use The Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story to show: what is the problem? Then after the first section of the book...we'll come into: what is the solution to the problem? That will be Chapter Two, There is a Solution More About Alcoholism and We Agnostics. These three chapters will give us the information for the solution to the problem.

Now, once we get these two things, these are the foundation for recovery. The main purpose of our book, is to show us how to recover. The...next ten steps, Steps Three through Twelve are a planned program of action that will bring about the solution that will overcome the problem. So in Chapters Five, Six and Seven is the planned program of action.

It's a very simple process. What is the problem? We say it's (powerlessness.)And it's obvious. If the problem is (powerlessness,) the solution would be power. And if the problem is (powerlessness) and the solution is power, the main purpose then, is ten Steps (Three through Twelve) which will enable us to find that Power which will solve our problem. C Okay, as we study the book now over the weekend let's kind of bear in mind that those are going to be the three main themes that we'll be looking at as we go through the book. Let's flip over for a moment to the preface. (p. xi) A couple ideas in the preface and the forward before we get to The Doctor's Opinion.

Now, the book that I have in front of me happens to be a second edition of the book. Probably most of yours are going to be a third edition. The first paragraph will read a little bit differently. Mine says:

(p. xi, par. 1) 'This is the second edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" which made it's first appearance in April of 1939. More than 300,000 copies of the first edition are now in circulation.' But then my book says:

(p. xi, par. 2) 'Because this book has become the basic text for our Society and has helped such large numbers of alcoholic men and women to recovery, there exist a sentiment against any radical changes being made in it. Therefore, the first portion of this volume, describing the A.A. recovery program, has been left largely untouched...'

Now, within that paragraph I think there's two ideas that we need to look at for a moment. Number one: first we see the words

Step # Big Book Page # Tape lA-9

"basic text." I think when we see those words, we are alerted to the type book we have in front of us. We all remember what a text book is. We used them in school. We didn't particularly like them because they meant work and study when we'd rather be doing something else. They meant having to take tests, which always had the possibility of failure which would put us in a bad position. And most of us had an aversion, and still maybe today, have an aversion to a text book.

But I think--if we would look at a textbook in it's simplest form--I think we could say that a textbook is a book that is used to teach with. We also have an aversion to the word teaching. But Bill Wilson tells us in the pamphlet "Problems Other Than Alcohol" that the sole purpose of an A.A. group is to practice and teach the Twelve Steps of "Alcoholics Anonymous.' If we will take teaching to it's simplest terms, I think then we can find some words we can begin to live with.

You know, teaching is nothing more than taking information from the mind of one human being, and in some form or other transferring it to the mind of another human being, thereby increasing the knowledge of the other human being. Whatever it is we're teaching the subject on, really doesn't make any difference. As the information is transferred, and it enters the mind of the other human being, then the other human being's knowledge of that information, knowledge of the subject matter, increases and becomes better.

Now, a textbook is nothing more than a tool that is used to teach with by the written word. There's lots of ways to teach, but a textbook does it by the written word. It takes information out of the mind of one or more human beings, puts it down in the written form. Then the user of the textbook in the reading and the studying of that book transfers that information into their mind, thereby increasing their knowledge of the subject matter also.

A textbook always assumes that the user of the book will know very little about the subject matter, almost always starts at a very simple point. Then as you progress through the book and your knowledge increases, the material presented to you becomes harder and harder. But you can understand it because your knowledge is increasing all the way through the book.

For instance, if I had a textbook on mathematics, and let's say my friend Joe here knows nothing about mathematics at all. Joe can't even add and subtract. Oh, he can count okay. He can count to twenty-one if he's standing there naked and got everything there where it's supposed to be. (laughter) I said that one night and he said no, twenty and a half that's all we could do. (laughter) And I walk up to Joe, and I hand him this textbook on mathematics.

I say, Joe, I want you to go to Chapter Five. There are problems in there dealing with algebra. I want you to work those algebra problems and then come back and see me. Joe being a good fellow, of course, will open the book up to Chapter Five. He would see those algebra problems, and they look like so much

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # xi Tape lA-10

Greek to him. Remember he can't even add and subtract. Chances are he'll close the book up, lay it on a shelf, and may never pick it up again.

But if I said, Joe, in this textbook on mathematics, Chapter One deals with addition and subtraction. If you'll read it and study it, ask questions when you need to, by the time you're through with Chapter One you'll know how to add and subtract and you can work those problems at the end of Chapter One on addition and subtraction. And sure enough he does this and he learns how to add and subtract.

Then I say, Joe, Chapter Two is based on multiplication and division. Based on what you learned in One, you can now go to Two and learn how to multiply and divide. And sure enough he does that. And then Three: to fractions and decimals, and Four: to something else, gradually preparing Joe's mind for Chapter Five. By the time he gets there, with the information he now has, he can read and study Chapter Five, and learn how to do algebra.

We think one of the greatest mistakes being made in A.A. today, is the newcomer walks in the door we hand him the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous," we say go to Chapter Five and do what it says and you'll be okay. They go to Chapter Five and they open it up. They read "How it Works." They see the Twelve Steps of "Alcoholics Anonymous," and they're just so much Greek to them, period. They don't understand the why or the wherefore of it at all.

Step One says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. He says, hell, I'm not powerless over nothing. Step Two says we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He says Man, don't tell me I'm crazy. Yeah, I do stupid things when I'm drinking, but I'm not crazy. But if you're not powerless and you're not nuts, then you don't need Step Three to turn you will and your life over to the care of Somebody greater than you are. So they close the book up. They lay it on the shelf and may never look at it again.

We think it is a textbook. And we think it's designed as all textbooks, starting with The Doctor's Opinion, beginning to explain to us what the problem is. If we can once understand the problem, then we can begin to look for the solution. But until we know the problem, we'll never know what the solution is. And after we once find the solutions then we can look for a practical program of action necessary to bring (about) that solution. But if we don't know the true solution, then the practical program of action will also be wrong.

So we think it is a textbook, and it should be treated as such. And it takes a lot of reading. It takes a lot of studying. It takes the ability to get rid of old ideas, and be able to change our minds, and absorb new information and new ideas into our head. But if we follow the process, then most surly we can expect recovery as that first forty, who later became one hundred, did too. It also said:

(p. xi, par. 2) 'Because this book has become the basic text

Step # Big Book Page # xiii Tape lA-11

for our Society...there exists a sentiment against any radical changes being made in it. Therefore, the first portion of this volume, describing the A.A. recovery program, has been left largely untouched...'

(The word "largely" is not found in the third edition.)

Now the Big Book has undergone three editions. The first in 1939, the second in 1955, and the third in 1976. The only reason for the last two editions, the second and the third, was because the stories in the back of the book, which were put in with the first edition, were basically all of men, most of them fairly old, and most of them real low bottom drunks. By 1955 that picture had begun to change. More and more women were coming into A.A. The average age was becoming lower and lower, and bottoms were becoming also higher and higher at the same time. The stories in the back of the first edition no longer accurately reflected the membership of A.A. in 1955, and they are there for the reader to identify with.

So they decided they needed to change some of those stories. They took some out, and added some more in, and moved a few around, and came out with the second edition. But the first 164 pages, the basic recovery program, was left largely untouched. The same thing happened in 1976 with the third edition. But the actual recovery program was left untouched.

It has worked so well for so many people over this period of years that even we, grandiose controversial alcoholics have never yet found a reason to change the recovery program, the written word in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." Now, I think it's very important for me to understand that. To know that the book I'm using today--whether it's the first edition, second edition, or third edition--I'm using the same basic recovery program that was used in 1935, 1937 and through 1939. It worked for them, and it'll also work for me today.

Let's look for forward a moment at the forward to the first edition. In the forward to the first edition there's a statement that says:

(p. xiii, par. 1) 'We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.'

Again two short ideas. First, we're more than one hundred men and women. That alerts me to the fact that I'm not reading a one person, one author book. Now most books I read have been authored by one individual. And with my keen, intellectual. alcoholic mind, when I read a book that's been authored by one individual, if I disagree with what he says, I say, well, who's he to think he's smarter than I am. I just ignore what he has to say and then go on with the rest of the book. But if I do that with the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," I'm not going to be arguing with one person, I'm going to be arguing with one hundred.

Remember the first forty told Bill to write it, but let us

Step # Big Book Page # xiii Tape lA-12

see the chapters as you complete them. We will add to, delete from, and change around whatever we want. When we're through with it, it will be the story of how all forty of us recovered, which by 1939 turned out to be this first one hundred. So when I argue with the book today, I'm arguing with one hundred people, not dust one.

These one hundred have recovered from the same thing that's tearing me up as a practicing alcoholic, the hopeless condition of the mind and of the body. It's a little bit harder to argue with those people.

(p. xiii, par. 1) 'To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.

Now, Joe and I have both been in A.A. long enough to know that there's only one requirement for membership in Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's a desire to stop drinking. You know you can come to an A.A. meeting. You can stand up in the middle of the meeting.' You can say I don't like you suckers at all. Hate your old damned Twelve Steps, and I can just barely stand your lousy old coffee. But I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous because I've got a desire to stay sober. And nobody can say anything about that at all. You know, you don't even have to be sober to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It helps if you are. (laughter) But you have to be, to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

But those things all deal with membership in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book has nothing to do with the fellowship. The Big Book deals with the recovery, only. The purpose of this book, is to show other alcoholics precisely how the first one hundred recovered from the disease of alcoholism. If I want to recover as they do, then there's probably some things I am going to have to do, which I won't necessarily want to do.

It's kind of like making a cake. If we go to one of our great potluck meetings, and let's say you're there, and you've made a beautiful cake--my favorite is strawberry cake. I take a bite of that cake, and oh man, it's good. The texture's right. The icing is right. The moisture content is right, and it just melts in my mouth. And I say, who made this cake? Well, you being a good cook will probably say, I did. And I say, well, you tell me how you did it. And you say, sure.

You'll sit down, and you'll write out for me, a set of directions or instructions on how to make that cake. You'll tell me the ingredients to put in it, the amount of the ingredients, the sequence in which to mix them together, the temperature at which to bake it, and how long to bake it.

Now, I take your directions home in my kitchen, and I follow them to the nth degree, to the best of my ability. When I take that cake out of the oven and let it cool off, and take a bite out of it, I believe I can expect it to taste exactly like yours did.

But if I take your directions home in my kitchen, and with my keen, intellectual, alcoholic mind (laughter) I say, I don't believe that ought to have four eggs, it just needs two. Or

Step # Big Book Page # xv-xvi Tape lA-13

instead of two and a half cups of sugar, I'm going to put four in it. Instead of baking it at 350, I'm going to bake it at five and a quarter. I'm going to bake it for forty-five minutes. When I take it out of the oven, and I let it cool off, and I take a bite of it, certainly I'm going to be biting a piece of cake. But I wonder how closely it would resemble your cake, which was my reason for making it in the first place.

Now, the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous" has given us a precise recipe on how to recover from the disease of alcoholism, exactly as they recovered. If we follow it exactly as they did, then I think we can expect the same thing that they got from it, recovery from a hopeless condition of the mind and of the body. (p. 20, par. 2) Your know, there are no musts in A.A., but there's probably some things that we'll need to do if we want to recover as the first one hundred did. Joe. (See Transcriber's Note on "musts.") J Okay, let's go to the forward to the second edition. Roman numeral fifteen at the bottom of the page:

(p. xv, par. 3 p. xvi, par. 1) 'The spark that was to flare into the first A.A. group was struck at Akron, Ohio, in June 1935, during a talk between a New York stockbroker and an Akron physician. Six months earlier, the broker had been relieved of his drink obsession by a sudden spiritual (top of p. xvi) experience, following a meeting with an alcoholic friend who had been in contact with the Oxford Groups of that day.' Bill's vital spiritual experience came (after) his contact with Ebby, who had been in a contact with the Oxford Groups. (p. xvi, par. 1) 'He had also been greatly helped by the late Dr. William D. Silkworth, a New York specialist in alcoholism who is now accounted no less than a medical saint by A.A. members, and whose story of the early days of our Society appears in the next pages. From this doctor, the broker had learned the grave nature of alcoholism.' Now, we can see right here the three things we were talking about. From the doctor he learned the problem. (p. 7, par. 2) Ebby brought him the solution (p. 12, par. 4; p. 27, par. 5) and the recovery plan of the Oxford Groups. (p. xvi, par. 1-2) 'Though he could not accept all the tenets of the Oxford Groups, he was convinced of the need for moral inventory, confession of personality defects, restitution to those harmed, helpfulness to others, and the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God. 'Prior to his journey to Akron, the broker had worked hard with many alcoholics on the theory that only an alcoholic could help an alcoholic...' From Bill's spiritual experience in Towns (Hospital) in December of 1934 up until May of 1935, he had worked with a lot of alcoholics, but had helped no one. He just stayed sober himself. (Joe says elsewhere, in effect, that Bill was starting people off at Chapter Five.) (p. xvi, par. 2) 'The broker had gone to Akron on a business venture which had collapsed, leaving him greatly in fear that he

Step # Big Book Page # xvi Tape lA-14

might start drinking again.' Bill went around--mostly he was kind of overwhelmed during these months by what had happened to him, that had completely changed his life--and he went around during this period of time grabbing drunks off the bar stools trying to get them to accept his planned program of action. It didn't work. Just before going to Akron, he went to see Dr. Silkworth. Dr. Silkworth said, Bill, you ought quit going around here trying sell that white flash, that you had, to these people. He said, the first thing you need to do is to explain to them what the problem is, what I told you, and then maybe they will buy into your program of action. This was a very, very, important meeting as far as "Alcoholics Anonymous" was concerned, because this was just before Bill went to see Dr. Bob in Akron. (p. xvi, par. 2) 'He suddenly realized that in order to save himself he must carry his message to another alcoholic. That alcoholic turned out to be the Akron physician.' This was Dr. Bob. By the way, we see how God was working in these people's lives. Bill has the experience at Towns (Hospital) and began to take part in the Oxford Groups' meetings in New York before he went to Akron. Dr. Bob was in Akron, and he was in the Oxford Groups. It's very strange that Dr. Bob had been in the Oxford Groups for two and a half years. He knew more about their program than Bill. He had been in the Oxford Groups a longer time. He would go each Sunday... (to) T. Henry Williams' home. There were six members of the Oxford Groups. They would meet there each Sunday. They would sit around in this little group, and they would share their shortcomings. This is where our steps came from. They would share what God had done for them. Each Sunday though, as they would go around, Dr. Bob wouldn't have much to say. Everybody in the group shared, and Dr. Bob wouldn't say anything. Henrietta, she was a fireball of the group... (End of Side A of Tape 1) (Transcriber's Note: There may be no musts in the fellowship of A.A., but the word "must" appears 75 times from p. xxiii to p. 164)

Step # Big Book Page # xvi Tape lB-1

(begin Side B of Tape 1) J Henrietta said--called Ann up one time--and she said, I'm sick of Dr. Bob coming to the meetings. Everybody shares but him. He sits up there and everybody knows he's got a drinking problem. But...if he doesn't say anything, I'm going to bring it up.

Finally one Sunday Dr. Bob said, I would like to share something with you people, you all have been open with me. He was very guarded because of being a professional person, a doctor with a drinking problem. He would do all his drinking at home. This was a hidden thing for Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob said, I have a problem with drinking, and I can't stop.

Somebody in the group said, Dr. Bob, would you like for us to pray for you? He said, yes. Somebody else said, down on our knees, and Dr. Bob agreed. All these six members of the Oxford Groups got down on their knees, and began to praying for help for Dr. Bob. This was many weeks before Bill came to Akron. (See Dr Bob and the Good Oldtimes pp. 53-60)

You know, another thing they had in the Oxford Groups: they always felt you could get guidance from God. This became our Step Eleven. They also felt that one member could receive guidance for another member. God could tell you what you needed to tell the other person. C I think some of those people are still around today. (laughter) J Henrietta got a message in the kitchen one night. Something spoke to her within her inner being, not in a voice, and said, Dr. Bob you shouldn't drink any more whiskey, not one drop. She said to herself, what does that mean? Well, they didn't have the First Step, so they didn't know what that meant. They didn't have Dr. Silkworth's work at that time, because Bill hadn't brought it. So, she did call Dr. Bob, and told him to stop by her house. On the way to his office, by the next morning, on a Monday morning. She said, Dr. Bob, God spoke to me last night and said you shouldn't drink any more whiskey, not even one drop. Dr. Bob said, what does that mean? She said, I don't know. (laughter) But they continued to pray for Dr. Bob.

When Bill came to Dr. Bob--see Dr. Bob was in the Oxford Groups. He had the program of recovery. Dr. Bob knew the solution was in the spiritual realm, because he was already trying to seek it in the Oxford Groups. But he could not apply it. It could not work for Dr. Bob. What Bill brought to Dr. Bob was the First Step. Once he understood the problem, then he could apply the program of action, and he recovered.

(p. xvi, par. 3) 'This physician had repeatedly tried spiritual means to resolve his alcoholic dilemma but had failed. But when the broker gave him Dr. Silkworth's description of alcoholism and it's hopelessness, the physician began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster. He sobered, never to drink again up to the moment of his death in 1950.'

What Bill brought to Dr. Bob was the First Step. Once he got this, then he was able to go.

Step # Big Book Page # xvi-xvii Tape 1B-2

(p. xvi, par. 3; p. xvii, par. 1-2) 'This seemed to prove that one alcoholic could affect another as no nonalcoholic (top of p. xvii) could. It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery.

'Hence the two men set to work almost frantically upon alcoholics arriving in the ward of the Akron City Hospital. Their very first case, a desperate one, recovered immediately and became A.A. number three.'

This is the man on the bed. (Bill D., their first successful case, in the popular painting.)

(p. xvii, par. 2-5) 'He never had another drink. This work at Akron continued through the summer of 1935. There were many failures, but there was an occasional heartening success. When the broker returned to New York in the fall of 1935, the first A.A. group had actually been formed, though no one realized it at the time.

'By late 1937, the number of members having substantial sobriety time behind them was sufficient to convince the membership that a new light had entered the dark world of the Alcoholic.

'A second small group had promptly taken shape at New York. And besides, there were scattered alcoholics who had picked up the basic ideas in Akron or New York and were trying to form A.A. groups in other cities.

'It was now time, the struggling groups thought, to place their message and unique experience before the world. This determination bore fruit in the spring of 1939 by the publication of this volume. The membership had then reached about 100 men and women. The fledgling society, which had been nameless, now began to be called Alcoholics Anonymous...'

You know a. Charlie said, this book doesn't say anything about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous" talks about recovery. In fact the Big Book was really written before the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. There weren't but one hundred people. They were even nameless. This nameless group of people wrote this book. There was a lot of discussion about what to name the book. We won't go into all that. There were a lot of arguments about this. (Transcriber's note: see the book "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age," page 165 for details.)

So the one hundred people wrote the book, and they named the book "Alcoholics Anonymous." "Alcoholic" Anonymous" is a textbook which contains a planned program of recovery from alcoholism. Now, once the A.A. book was written, then the first one hundred took the name off the book and put on their fellowship. So there are two A.A.'s, really. One is a book, and the other is a fellowship.

In 1939, quite naturally, the people in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous practiced the same program that was in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." They were identically the same. I can't imagine that. So, the program in the Big Book has been unchanged. Nobody has ever changed the program in the book, but

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 1B-3

the program in the fellowship has gradually changed. You know, people change. We've added a few things; left out a few things; brought in some new things. In fifty years, the program in the fellowship, hardly, in some places, even resembles the program in the book.

It's sort of like the people who meet in those churches on Sunday morning. You know, if you go home and read their book, they don't even sound like their program. (laughter)

What we're going to be talking about this weekend--and you might go back to your groups, and we hope this is what this is all about, to really look in our fellowship. What we're going to be talking about is not the program in the fellowship (of) Alcoholics Anonymous. We're going to be talking about the program that's in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," that was used (and has been) given to us--that's unchanged--by the first one hundred people. It is a program, precise program, of recovery from alcoholism. C We might say, of course, people change. We know that. One reason for(putting) this down in a written form was to keep it pure, and to keep it from becoming changed and garbled. Now, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous today, hardly resembles the original fellowship at all as far as the program is concerned. But the Big Book has never been changed. So the program has remained the same even though the fellowship has changed.

Joe and I got into a meeting not long ago. They were talking about group depression, sexual dysfunction; God I could name another half a dozen subjects. I looked at Joe, and I said, Joe where in the hell are we anyhow? He said, I don't know, we must be at B.B. And I said, B.B., what's that? He said, beats the hell out of me, but it's not A.A. is it? (laughter)

And, really, we only have one program of recovery, and it's in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous"." In many of our groups today, we talk about everything but that. I think that is the responsibility of the older members of Alcoholics Anonymous: to be sure that the newcomers, when they come in, realize that there is a program of recovery. It is in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," and that it's never been changed.

In our zeal to help people, maybe in our zeal to play the numbers game and say we've got five million instead of one million, we tend to water down our program. We tend to be afraid to offend the newcomer, and maybe they'll run off, or something like that. You know, it is our responsibility to tell the newcomer what A.A. really is.

The newcomer doesn't know that. The only way they're going to learn that, is for the older members to be sure that we bring this out, and they understand that. I think we have come to a sorry place when we are letting the newcomers determine the program that we're going to use within our own groups. I think that's up to us to determine our program, and then the newcomer fits into that program. Now, that's what we're about, and that's what we're for. That's what the Big Book is about. Joe.

Step # 1 Big Book Page # xx, xxiv Tape 1B-4

J Okay, here's a--we would like to read this on roman numeral twenty, at the top of the page.

(p. xx, par. 1) '...public acceptance of A.A. grew by leaps and bounds. For this there were two principal reasons: the large numbers of recoveries, and reunited homes. These made their impressions everywhere. Of alcoholics who came to A.A. and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with A.A. showed improvement.'

In 1939 when this book was written, and they were using in the fellowship the program in the Big Book, half the people who came to A.A. got up and stayed sober. Twenty-five percent had some problems and got sober-se .. later on. So, when they were using this program in the book in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, 75% of the people who came to A.A. got sober. And I wonder today, are 75% of the people who come to A.A. getting sober?

If we got back to what we were talking about--this is what this weekend is all about--getting our fellowship back to the program in the Big Book, back to what really works. C Okay, let's flip over now to The Doctor's Opinion. We got started a little late tonight, and probably we're going to run on without taking a break, so we don't have to stay too late tonight. But if any of you feel the need to go somewhere, go get you a cup of coffee, or whatever you want to do, as we go along.

In The Doctor's Opinion, let's go to roman numeral twenty-four, and we'll start looking at what the problem really is. Here it tells me:

(p. xxiv, par. 3) 'The physician who, at our request, gave us this letter, has been kind enough to enlarge upon his views in another statement which follows. In this statement he confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe---that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.'

For the first time in written history, we see reference to the fact that the body of the alcoholic is sickened as well as his mind. Up until this time, most people didn't know what the problem was. Since they didn't know what the problem was, they always tried to apply the wrong solution and the wrong program of action. Very few alcoholics recovered from their disease.

Most people back in the time we're talking about, in the mid-thirties, they said that alcoholism is a matter of will power. They said alcoholism is a lack of moral character. They said that alcoholism is a sin. (You're) just (a) morally no good human being. All the things they referred to were matters of the mind. You know, will power, moral character, sin, no good human being none of those referred to the body at all. It's no wonder that people never came up with what the proper solution is.

The interesting fact, too, is that all those names put on the alcoholic and all those reasons for drinking were always put on us by people who either did not drink or people who could drink safely. They're the ones who said it was a matter of will power. They're the ones who said it's moral character. They're

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the ones who said it's sin. We never did say. And we probably didn't care, we just kept right on drinking. But it was people who did not have the disease .hat tried to determine what the disease is.

They knew nothing about the disease. Therefore, every time they tried to identify the problem, they had the wrong diagnosis. For the first time in written history, we see reference to the fact that the body of the alcoholic is sickened as well as the mind. J I like to compare that to something in our time. In the present day, where we were with alcoholism in 1935 is where we are today with cancer. Many people very hastily will say we are looking for the solution to cancer. But really the researcher is trying find out: what is cancer? What is the problem? The solution we can discover, if we find out: how it works, what is it?

Prior to this time, in 1935, the world did not understand alcoholism. As Charlie said, it was more or less the nonalcoholics trying to determine what was wrong with the alcoholic. Since the beginning of time, this was one of the greatest problems that has faced Man.

We can go all the way back to the Bible. We find many great explanations. Many people have been trying to find out: what is wrong with those people? We go back to Proverbs. I love Solomon, who is credited with writing Proverbs, (He gives) one of the earliest, one of the greatest descriptions of alcoholism. Seems like somebody might have asked Solomon. Solomon was a great mind, he could solve most problems. But he couldn't handle this one. C He was the social worker of that day. J He was the social worker of his time. People brought him all kinds of problems. Solomon in Proverbs 23:29 said, who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has wounds without cause? He said, they that tarry long at the wine. C They were all winos in those days. (laughter) J Back in those days everybody--they didn't have nothing but wine--everybody was a wino. And he went on to describe (that) he would be as one who lieth down in the midst of the sea. You know, you're tossing around a lot. Or sleeping at the top of a mast. You know the meat of a ship. You will say they have beaten me and I felt it not. You know, the next morning you feel like somebody was beating on you. And he sure knew some of us fellows, because he said, shine eyes shall behold strange women. (laughter) And thy heart will utter perverse things. Then he made a final statement. It's wisdom is profound. Because in his final statement he says, but still yet, they will rise in the morning and seek it yet again. That description would fit the alcoholics of 1987. It's wisdom. He knew it, and he could describe it, but he didn't understand it. (See the end of this transcription of Tape 1B for a different translation of this passage)

None of the great minds down through history understood alcoholism. As Charlie said, they tried solutions but they never understood the problem. Finally, I think the first person--Dr.

Step # 1 Big Book Page # xxiv Tape 1B-6

Benjamin Rush, who was the father of American psychiatry, in 1780 something--he was the first person who said it was a disease process. He said it's a disease, but he couldn't explain it. And still (they tried) all (kinds) of things.

Finally, it all began in Towns Hospital. Dr. Silkworth went to work at the Towns (Hospital) for forty dollars a week. He went there because he couldn't get a job where he wanted Lt. He took a Job at Towns Hospital working with drunks for forty dollars a week. C In 1930. J In 1930. It was there at the Towns Hospital he began to-he was there every day, he never saw anybody recover. Everybody died. They got sick, and came back, and died. They got sick and came back. Dr. Silkworth worked with it every day, day in and day out. He said, I know you say :these people are weak. They say it's a sin. But he said, I discern there's some force in these people. He began to discern something in them, a force of destruction. It was there that he accumulated this idea. He said, you know, I believe part of it is in the body and part of it is in the mind. This is what he shared with Bill. This is what he wrote in front of the Big Book today.

Finally, he said, alcoholism is a disease. He gave us how the disease worked, in front of the Big Book. It wasn't published in the medical journals. It was published in the front of the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." Finally in 1956, I believe, the American Medical Association, based on this concept and it's success, the solution and the recovery plan, based on this problem, it proved that this is a disease. They finally accepted the fact that alcoholism i. a disease. (See "Pass It On," page 304.) The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association...and the whole world believes that alcoholism is a disease. It began with Dr. Silkworth at the Towns Hospital.

This is the foundation of the Big Book, because it describes: what is the problem? The whole rest of the book, the solution and recovery plan, is based on the Doctor's Opinion, the First Step, when he tells us the exact nature of the problem of alcoholism. C Therefore we see the statement:

(p. xxiv, par. 3-4) '... hat the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete.

'The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to it's soundness may, of course, mean little. But as ex-problem drinkers, we can say that his explanation makes good sense. It explains many things for which we cannot otherwise account.'

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Now, if we are to use this as a textbook, and if a textbook is meant to take information from the mind of one human being, transfer it through the written word to the mind of another human being, then the way that other human being receives it will be based upon their understanding of the words that are used. If the person who receives it, if their understanding of the word is different than the person who wrote it, then the information will be garbled information. We find that there are many, many words in the Big Book--that many of us have an incomplete, or a wrong, understanding of the word.

I think allergy is one of the most misunderstood words in the Big Book. You know, when I came to A.A., they said to me, Charlie, you're allergic to alcohol. I said, what does that mean? They said, well, we don't know, but it means that you can't drink it. I said, how in the hell can I be allergic to alcohol. I said, I've been drinking at least a quart a day for the last four or five years, and if you're allergic to something you can't drink that much of it.

I assumed that if you had an allergy there would always be some outward visible sign or manifestation of that allergy. I knew that. I knew that if you were allergic to strawberries, and you ate them, you break out in a rash. I knew that if you were allergic to milk and you drank it you had a bad case of dysentery. I knew that if you were allergic to ragweed's, and you got around them, your eyes and nose would itch, water, and you would begin to sneeze.

And I said, I can't be allergic to alcohol, because it doesn't make me do these things. You know, it doesn't make me break out in a rash. It doesn't make me have a bad case of dysentery. Oh, once in a while it would, depending on what I had been drinking. (laughter) But usually it didn't. It never did make my eyes and nose itch, water, and cause me to sneeze. I said, I can't be allergic to alcohol. I simply don't understand what you're talking about. They said, you don't need to, just don't drink it.

Now, that's okay for a while. But if you've got a keen, intellectual, alcoholic mind like mine is, you got to find out. So one day, I found that I had to go to the source of words, and the source which explains the meaning of these words, which happened to be the dictionary. I looked up the word allergy, to see how it applied in my life. I found four or five different definitions. But I found one that I think fits me exactly. That definition is: that an allergy is an abnormal reaction to any food, beverage, or substance. An abnormal reaction to any food, beverage, or substance of any kind.

I looked back in my life to see where I had been abnormal when it comes to alcohol. Because if I'm allergic to it, then I must be abnormal with it. You know, to my amazement I found out, I didn't know what was normal and what was abnormal. (laughter) The only thing I knew about drinking was the way I drank. The people who drank with me drank the same way. So I assumed the way we drank was normal, and all these other people drank abnormally.

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I knew nothing about normal drinking' period.

So it became necessary for me to find out: what is normal, and what is abnormal? I began to talk to some of these normal, social, moderate drinkers. I said, will you(tell)me how you feel whenever you take a drink of alcohol? They say something like this, well, we can go home from work, tired, tense, and wrought up from the day's struggles, and we can have one or two drinks before dinner. We get a warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling. Then we'll go ahead and have dinner, and probably won't drink any more that night.

Well, I don't feel that way when I drink alcohol. (laughter) I take a drink of alcohol, and I put it in my mouth. As it passes over my lips, my lips begin to tingle and burn. As it hits my teeth they begin to chatter up and down. It hits my tongue, and my tongue begins to grow, and swell and expand. It hits my cheeks and they begin to vibrate in and out. I feel it passing up through my sinus cavities in my forehead. I get a feeling up here which is absolutely, indescribably, wonderful. Now, I haven't even swallowed the damn stuff yet. (laughter) I just got it in my mouth.

When I swallow it, and it goes down through my esophagus, wonderful things begin to take place. My chest begins to grow and expand, and get bigger and bigger and bigger. It hits my stomach and it explodes like a bomb. I can feel it immediately racing out through my arms, and they get longer and longer. It hits my fingers, and they begin to tingle and vibrate. At the same time, it's racing through my legs, and my legs are getting longer and longer. I'm getting taller and taller. It the bottom of my feet, and my feet and toes get a hot, burning, exciting sensation. They want to get up and go somewhere and do something.

I don't understand a warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling. (laughter) I never had that in my life. That's one way I'm abnormal. I find out that those normal, moderate, social drinkers, which number about nine out of ten people, their reaction is the warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling. My reaction is that hot, burning, tingling, exciting, turned on, get up and go somewhere and do something that alcohol did for me.

Now, I find another way that I'm different(from) them, too. The normal social drinker, they tell me that they can have one, two, or three drinks. They get a slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling. Now, that's a normal reaction to alcohol. We know today that alcohol is a toxic drug. We know that alcohol is a destroyer of human tissue. When you put anything in the body that destroys the body itself, the normal reaction is to get nauseous and vomit it back up. The normal social drinker gets that slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling. They don't want to drink any more than that, because they don't like that feeling.

I always thought all of my life that they used will power to drink one, two, or three drinks. But today I find out that they don't have to use will power, because they never want more than one, two, or three drinks. First drink, they get a little giggly.

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The second drink, they start getting a little sleepy. And the third drink, look out, they're going to vomit all over you every time. (laughter) That's (a) normal drinker.

Now, what I thought was normal was the way I drank. You see, I take one, two, or three drinks, and I don't get that slightly tipsy, out of control feeling. I get that exciting, in control feeling. (laughter) I don't get that nauseous feeling. What I do get is a craving that develops within my body. Which is a physical craving that demands more of the same. Where three drinks is all they want, when I've got three drinks in my body it's just now turned on. The physical craving becomes so strong that the body itself demands more of the same, regardless of what the mind says. So I have a fourth drink, and a fifth drink, and a sixth drink. The more I drink the more I crave, and I go seven, eight, nine, ten, fifteen, eighteen. Finally, I'm drunk and sick and in all kinds of trouble. That is the difference between normal and abnormal drinking.

Only one person out of ten feels the way that I feel. Only one person out of ten gets this craving in their body when they drink alcohol. The only difference between normal and abnormal is what the majority of people do. Nine of them drink it that safe way, one of them drinks it the way I do. Therefore, my reaction to alcohol is considered to be abnormal, or it is a physical allergy to alcohol itself, and I didn't know that.

You see, abnormal had become normal to me. The first time you drink and vomit, that might be abnormal. But my God, if you've done it every morning for five years, it's absolutely normal to do that. (laughter) The first time you get in a car wreck is abnormal, but if you have one every week or two, that becomes normal, too. First time you get in divorce court, that's abnormal. If you got eight or ten of them though, that's normal. So, what I thought was normal, the way I drank, turned out to be the abnormal.

Most alcoholics (who)are drinking today don't know that. They believe that what they're doing is absolutely normal. It's -all these normal social drinkers which are abnormal. Therefore most alcoholics today well die from their disease, never knowing that we are abnormal, that we have an allergy to alcohol. Dr. Silkworth is the fellow who first determined this. He told it to Bill.

All successful treatment programs in the world today are based upon this one simple ice-: that the body of the alcoholic is abnormal--we have a physical allergy to alcohol. We'll never be like other people. We can never safely drink i_. The only relief that the doctor can offer me today is: don't drink it. And you know, that's true with all allergies. If I've got an allergy to food, and I go to the doctor, he doesn't try to fix me up <so) I can eat that food. He says, I believe you ought to quit eating that food. (laughter) The same thing is true with alcohol. The doctor says, I believe you ought to quit drinking it. (laughter) J Okay, to further explain (this allergy). We see how the book never will tell us a subject (and just quit there.) Throughout

Step # 1 Big Book Page # xxvi Tape lB-10

this weekend we'll be talking about how it describes, and how it illustrates and broadens on those points. Now, he said this is a physical allergy. He's going to broaden on it on roman numeral page twenty-six.

(p. xxvi, par. 2) 'We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.'

Now, there's some words here, again we need to understand, some... I didn't like.

Some words I don't like, I never understood them, but I don't like them anyway. One of them is the word chronic. If we look up chronic, it means more than once. So if you did it more than once you're chronic. (laughter) C That's true with a lot of things besides alcohol. J And a...phenomenon of craving...means that we know that it occurs, but it's unexplainable to us today. We can see that it occurs, but we can not explain what causes this to happen. And he says:

(p. xxvi, par. 2) 'These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.'

And he says this never occurs in the average temperate drinker. Normal social drinkers do not crave alcohol. And again we want to be (careful with words.) You know a lot of times around A.A...we've gotten off (the track.) We've made a few changes, and we keep saying these things over and over. You hear a lot of people say, well I came to A.A. and I quit drinking. But I craved alcohol for two years or three years after I quit drinking. In the context of the Big Book, that's not true.

According to the Big Book, the only way we can crave alcohol is (to) put alcohol into the system. Now, he might have had a mental obsession to drink, but the only way you can crave alcohol is to put it into the system. If we never take the first drink, (we won't crave alcohol.) He says normal people never crave alcohol, normal social drinkers. That's just amazing to me.

I see them on these airplanes, and oh, I just love to watch them. God' You know, they get that little glass. The stewardess brings it by, and he gets one little ounce. One ounce, One, just one ounce. (laughter) C Costs them two and a half. J Cost two dollar, or three dollars. And he pours it in there. Now, they got them little sticks. I don't know what they're for. (laughter) And they stir a lot. They stir a lot! I don't know what they--they stir it all up. Once they get it stirred up they let it sit there. He reads his magazine. You know, goes to read it. And you're saying, why don't he drink that thing. (laughter) You know, it makes you nuts. Now, realize, when he's drinking, it takes him a half hour, or an hour. I've even seen them throw it

Step # 1 Big Book Page # xxviii Tape lB-11

away. Because they don't crave alcohol. In fact, you know, one day I saw a guy call her back. I said, he's going to get another drink. You know what he said? Give me some peanuts. (laughter) I don't know what you need peanuts for. (laughter)

But the real baffling thing for us to realize is that they do not crave alcohol. So that means every time they drink, they drink all they want! They get all they want, every time they drink. I drank alcohol for sixteen years, and I never can recall in my mind one time when I got enough. (laughter) Because it's not a visual thing. It's not a visual manifestation, but...the craving is what occurs in me. That doesn't occur in the average temperate drinker.

C I think it's very important for us to remember as we progress through the book that this word craving always deals with the body, not the mind. In the context of the Big Book, the only way we crave it i. after we've had one, two, or three drinks. That triggers the physical craving for more of the same. Now, the other term they're going to use is the obsession of the mind. But that deals with the mind craving always with the body. If we can remember that as we go through the book, then everything begins to fall in place, and begins to make sense to us. Let's go over to roman numeral twenty-eight. Here Dr. Silkworth is going to describe five different kinds of alcoholics. He said:

(p. xxviii, par. 3) 'The classification of alcoholics seems most difficult, and in much details outside the scope of this book. There are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable. We are all familiar with this type. They are always "going on the wagon for keeps." They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision.' J This is type one. This is the first type. C (p. xxviii, par. 3) 'There is the type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment.' J Type two. C p. xxviii, par. 4) 'There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time he can take a drink without danger.' J Type three. C (p. xxviii, par. 4) 'There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.' J Type four. C Now, the next type, type five I've always thought fit me real good. (p. xxviii, par. 5) 'Then there are types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people.' J Type five. (laughter) C I used to read that, and I'd say, how did he know so much about me. Now, he makes a point. He says: (p. xxviii, par. 6) 'All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested,

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may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.' If every alcoholic in this room tonight should take a drink of alcohol, God forbid that happen, but if we did, we would not all act exactly the same. In a few minutes, one of us would be over in the corner, and we'd be crying in our beer. Oh, boo hoo hoo, the world's not treating me right. In a few minutes, one would be right out in the middle of the floor, up on top of a table, whooping and hollering, and cutting up, and dancing, and having a hell of a good time. In a few minutes, two of us would be over in a corner, and we're going to get in a fight just as sure as anything. In a few minutes, there will be two in this corner putting the make on each other. (laughter) We tend to do that also. Now, even though we would do different things after we had the one, two, or three drinks, there is one thing that each of us as alcoholics would do. As soon as we had the one, two, or three drinks, we would start looking for a fourth drink, and a fifth drink, and a sixth drink, and a seventh drink. We would have triggered our allergy, the phenomenon of craving would have developed, and we would simply be unable to stop drinking. Now, I know this is two. Because if we could drink safely without getting drunk, we wouldn't be setting in this room tonight. We never would have come to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. We would still be out there drinking safely, if we could drink without that craving developing. I don't think it makes any difference whether it developed the first time we ever took a drink. Mine did. I drank alcohol twenty-sex years, I never remember taking a drink, one drink, of anything that had alcohol in it. When I had one beer, I had to have two. One shot of vodka called for two. One drink of whiskey called for two. One glass of wine called for two. I don't think I ever had one drink of anything with alcohol in it. I've always had the phenomenon of craving. Now, some of you I'm sure drank two years, four, five, six, eight, ten, maybe fifteen or twenty before you lost all control and this became apparent in your life. But it really doesn't make any difference whether we're born with it, or whether we drank ourselves into it. The fact remains, that's the way we are tonight. We're all in the same boat. That's why we're here in this room. I don't think is makes any difference how long it takes us to get drunk. Now, I'm the kind of alcoholic that if you give me a drink right now, at five minutes after nine, by midnight I've found me a cop and I'm in jail somewhere. (laughter) Some of you may have one or two tonight, three or four tomorrow night, five or sex the next night. It may take you a week, ten day, or two weeks to get back on a fifth, and end up drunk, and sick, and in all kinds of trouble. But again it doesn't make any difference, because the one that triggers it, is that first one we take

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tonight. And that's the thing we've got in common in A.A. Some people say, I don't fit in A.A. That guy, he's been-in prison fourteen times. I've only been there three times, so I'm different than him. (laughter) That woman has had seven divorcee. I only had five and I'm different. (laughter) Or those old geezers are in their fifties. I'm only twenty-two, and I'm different. No, none of that counts at all. The only thing that is important, the only thing we've got in common, is what happens when we have one, two, or three drinks. And I know that we can't safely drink it. Because if we could, we most certainly would not be here tonight. This is what Dr. Silkworth gave to us, back in 1934--1933 really--when he talked to Bill Wilson in the Towns Hospital. Today, we don't have to take this as an opinion anymore. In the doctor's days it was an opinion because he had no way to prove it. He cal led it the phenomenon of craving. Simply saying, as Joe said, I don't understand why it happens, but I know it occurs because I see it day after day after day with these people I'm working with. He treated something like 50,000 alcoholics. He most certainly had to learn something from them. In those days though, they didn't know much about metabolism. They didn't know much about the breakdown of food, beverages, and other things we put in out bodies. They didn't know about these things we call enzymes. Today, we know this information. Today, the medical profession has proven to us beyond any shadow of a doubt, that The Doctor's Opinion is absolutely true. We want to share a little bit of that information with you before we leave this portion of the book because I think we'd be remiss if we didn't. Now, what we're going to talk about for a little bit, is not A.A. information. A.A. doesn't care. A.A. is not about to get involved in any controversy over why we're allergic. A.A. is satisfied with the fact that we are allergic. But I think maybe we ought to look at some of this newest information. I think it would explain to us exactly why we cannot drink like other people. You've got a chart in your book called The Disease Concept of Alcoholism. Let. look at it for just a few minutes. Now, in this chart, you'll notice in the center column. This is the nine people who drink safely. They are at ease. When the normal drinker puts alcohol in their system, their system does exactly it would do with a piece of beefsteak. The mind and body can recognize what it is. The mind signals certain organs of the body to produce enzymes which attack the beefsteak or what ever it is, and breaks it down into materials that can be used, and materials that the body cannot use. The body uses what it can, and then it dissipates what it cannot use, gets rid of it, throws it off, normally through the urinary and intestinal tract. The body does the same thing with alcohol that it does with beef steak . The normal social drinkers put a drink in their system. The mind and the body senses what it is. The mind signals certain

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organs of the body to start the enzyme production. The enzymes attack the alcohol and begin to break it down into usable and unusable items. In the first stage, it's broken down into a material called acetaldehyde. In the second stage, it's broken down into diabetic acid. In the third stage, it's broken down into acetone. Then in the final stage in the normal social drinker, it's broken down to a simple carbohydrate...water, auger, and carbon dioxide. Now the auger can be used by the body. Sugar is energy. It has calories in it. It is an interesting fact, though, that they are empty calories. There's none of the amino acids, none of the vitamins, none of those things necessary for life. But it is energy and the body will take the sugar and burn it as energy, and store the excess as fat to be used at a latter date. The water will be dissipated through the urinary and the intestinal tract. The carbon dioxide will be dissipated through the lungs. In a normal social drinker, the average metabolic rate, or breakdown rate for alcohol is one ounce per hour--in the normal drinker. This will vary some, of course, in the size of the body and the condition of the body, but the average is one ounce per hour. Theoretically speaking, the normal social drinker could drink one ounce per hour forever and not get drunk because their body can break it down and dissipate it and get rid of it. The only thing is, that if they try to drink more than that, they get that slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling. They either go to sleep or they puce, one of the two.

(Transcriber's note: A different translation of Proverbs 23:29 is: "Whose is the misery? whose the remorse? Whose are the quarrels and the anxiety? Who gets the bruises without knowing why? Whose eyes are bloodshot' Those who linger late over their wine, those who are always trying some new spiced liquor. Do not gulp down the wine, the strong red wine, when the droplets form on the side of the cup in the end it will bite like a snake and sting like a cobra. Then your eyes see strange sights, your wits and your speech are confused you become like a man to tossing out at sea, like one who clings to the top of the rigging: you say, 'If it lays me flat, what do I care? If it brings me to the ground, what of it? As soon as I wake up, I shall turn to it again.'"

From the New English Bible (c) copyright 1961, 1970 The Delegates of the Oxford University Press and The Syndics of the Cambridge University Press. All Right Reserved) (End of side B of Tape 1)

(Begin Side A of Tape 2) C Very seldom do they ever get too much alcohol.

Now let's look at the left hand column. The left had column is the one who does not drink safely. Or, who is at disease with alcohol. That's all the word disease means. It is something that separates you from the norm. Nine people are at ease with it. One person is at dis-ease with it. He's said to have the disease of alcoholism. The alcoholic take. a drink, puts it into the system the same thing begins to occur. The mind and the body recognizes what it is. The mind signals certain organs of the body, the enzyme production begins. The material is broken down to acetaldehyde, then to diabetic acid, and then to acetone. It seems as though, at the acetone level, the enzymes necessary to break it down from the acetone to the simple carbohydrate are not there in the same qualities and quantities as they are in the body of the nonalcoholic. Therefore, the breakdown rate from the acetone to the simple carbohydrate occurs at a much slower pace, or (longer) period of time. For instance, where the normal social drinker con dissipate, get rid of it, an ounce an hour, maybe the alcoholic is doing it three quarters of an ounce per hour, maybe a half ounce per hour, maybe a quarter of an ounce per hour, maybe a tenth of an ounce per hour, depending upon the shape of the body, the enzyme production, et cetera. It varies with different alcoholics. The phenomenon of craving is more pronounced in some people than it is in others. Now, it is a well know fact today, that acetone ingested into the human system that remains there for an appreciable period of time, creates an actual physical craving demanding more of the same. In the body of the nonalcoholic, it goes through that stage so rapidly that the phenomenon of craving never develops. In the body of the alcoholic that breakdown is so slow, the acetone remains there for a long enough period, that an actual physical craving is produced by the acetone itself. We have three drinks, and then we take another drink, and then we take another drink, and then we take another drink. We end up drunk, and sick, and in all kinds of trouble. We go through the well know stages of a spree. Let's take one of our drinking escapades for instance. Let's say we've been working all day. We've promised the wife(that)when we get home this evening we're going to clean up the yard. I used to say mow the grass, but I don't see a hell of a lot of grass out through here. (In Arizona) So we (need to) clean up the yard. We've been putting it off and putting it off, and the old yard just looks like a junk heap out there, every thing in the world laying in it. It's hot, and we're tired. We say, well, when I get hone I've got to clean that damn yard up. I believe I'll stop in here and have one drink. Just one drink, now. Then I'm going to go home and clean up that yard. So we get in the bar. We sit down on the stool. We order a

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drink, and we're setting there visiting with somebody. As we're drinking the drink, the mind says, we've got to get up and leave this cool place, go out there where it's hot, and clean up that yard like we've been saying we're going to. Now, the craving is already beginning to develop in the body. The body says to the mind, let's don't be in too big a hurry. Let's have one more before we go. The mind says, well, okay, I agree with that. Don't see anything wrong with that at all. So we have a second drink, and we put it in our system. Most of the acetone from the first drink is in there. Now we've put all the acetone in there from the second drink. The acetone level goes up. As the acetone level goes up, the craving becomes harder. The mind says, I've got to get up and go home and clean the yard. The body says let's don't be in too big a hurry. I already told you that once. (laughter) Let's have one more before we go. The mind says, well, okay, a third one wouldn't hurt anything at all. We put the third drink in there. We got most of the first, nearly all of the second, and now we've got all the acetone from the third drink in there. The acetone level goes up, and the craving becomes harder. The mind says, man, I've got to get up and go home and clean the yard, or I'm going to be in a hell of a bad shape with my wife when I get there. The body says, forget the damn yard. (laughter) Let's have another drink. We take a fourth drink. The acetone level goes up higher yet, and the craving becomes harder. It doesn't make any difference what the mind says. The body overrides the mind, and says let's have one more. The guys we we're talking to after three drinks, they got up, and they went home. Now, here we are and it's midnight. My God, we're drunk. We fall out the door of that bar. We step out into the street and we get run over by a car. We're laying in the gutter. Our legs are broke, and we've vomited all over ourselves. Somebody rushes up to us and says, can we help you? We any, my God yea, give me another drink! We never get all we want. We get more than we can handle. We get more than we need. But we never get all we want. This craving is so strong, that it overcomes the mind completely. I think there's two very interesting facts about this information. It's also a well know medical fact today, that acetone ingested into the human body over an appreciable length of time, is an actual destroyer of human tissue. It begins to destroy and damage certain or organs of the body. Usually the first ones that it attacks and begins to damage is the liver and the pancreas . They know today that the enzymes necessary to metabolize alcohol are being produced by the liver and the pancreas. As the acetone itself begins to destroy those two organs, the enzyme production becomes less and less and less and less. Therefore, as we drink over a longer period of time the phenomenon of craving becomes more and more and more and more. Some of you drank for years without any trouble. But somewhere in there, this damage became so great, that the enzyme production went down so much,

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that you were no longer able to drink safely. Therefore, we're in the gripe of a progressive disease. It never, never, never gets any better. It never stays the same. It always gets worse. Also, as we get older, we know that everything that the body produces begins to shut down on us. Now, I wish that were not true, but it is. As we get older, our ability to produce the enzymes necessary to metabolize alcohol becomes less and less and less, whether we drink or not. I haven't had a drink in seventeen years. But if I took a drink today, I would not star. where I left off seventeen years ago. Because my body's ability to metabolize alcohol today is less, due to the aging factor, I would be in worse shape today than I was when I stopped seventeen years ago. We are in the grip of a progressive disease. It never gets any better. The medical profession today has absolutely proven The Doctor's Opinion. Joe and I have looked at and studied countless numbers of studies of alcoholism that's been done by the medical profession. They all point to the same thing. They may use different words to describe the breakdown, but every one ends up with the basic idea that the alcoholic's body is abnormal when it comes to alcohol. Therefore, we are allergic to alcohol. Every successful treatment program for alcoholism in the world today is based upon this idea. We'll never be able to safely drink like other human beings. Therefore, the only relief they offer to us is absolute abstinence. No drinking of alcohol in any form whatsoever. This is absolutely great to know. I understand today why I can't drink like other people. I understand today why I can never go back and drink like I did when I was nineteen or twenty, twenty-five or thirty. I understand today why I'm different. Now, the only thing that I've got to do then, to take care of my alcoholism, is to just not drink. If I don't take a drink, I can't trigger the allergy. If I don't trigger the allergy, I cannot produce the phenomenon of craving. If I don't produce the phenomenon of craving, there's no way I can end up drunk and sick and in all kind. of trouble. But, you know, I've got something else wrong with me too. He hasn't talked about that yet, but he's getting ready to in just a minute. I've got something up there in my head that keeps telling me it's okay to drink, when it's obvious to everybody around me that I can't drink, when it's obvious to me from time to time that I can't drink. I've got a friend who's allergic to, of all things, fish. When he eats fish, his throat swells up, and he almost chokes to death. The fact that he's allergic to fish is beside the point. Because if he didn't eat fish, he couldn't trigger the allergy. If he didn't trigger the allergy, (his) throat wouldn't swell up and he wouldn't have to go to the hospital. But you know that sucker's got something else wrong with him, too. Because every once and a while his mind tells him that it's alright to eat fish. He eats fish, and then back in that hospital he goes. But I bet you every time his mind says, well, I haven't had

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any fish in ninety days. I'm just going to eat two pieces. (laughter) Or he says, it's them damn crappie I've been eating. I'm going to start eating bas i. (laughter) Or it may say, it's them damn people I've been eating fish with. (laughter) For some reason or other, his mind tells him it's okay to eat fish. He really believes he can. He eats it. It triggers his allergy, and in the hospital he goes. There's something in my head that tells me that it's okay for me to drink. When it's obvious to everybody, and, at times obvious to me that I cannot drink. There's time. that my mind says that I can. Let's see why that's true. J Okay, later on our book is going to (say where the main problem is cantered.) I think we as alcoholics need to know as much about (the body as we can.) After all, if we're going to live with this illness we have to make a thorough diagnosis. Later on, our book is going say it is great to know about the body. Okay, we're allergic to alcohol. But then it says, '...the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.' (p. 23, par. 2) All the work is going to be done in the mind, because we're going to have to live with this (physical) part. There's nothing we can do about it. It begins to describe this on roman numeral twenty-six. Back up a page. (p. xxvi, par. 5) 'Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.' C Some people are highly offended when you tell them that. They say, oh, that isn't why I drank. They say, I drank because I love the tease of alcohol. I wouldn't argue with anybody whether they loved the tease of alcohol or not. Now, I loved the taste of cold beer. I always have all my life. I also love the tease of cold mountain spring water. You know, I never did sit down and drink a case of cold mountain spring water. (laughter) How can we: go out to our car, which has been sitting out in the sun all day. Open the trunk. Reach in there and get a bottle of vodka out, which is probably a hundred and forty or fifty degrees by now. Take the top off. Take a slug of that stuff straight. And we say, ugh, God, ain't it good' (laughter) I don't think that's why we drank. I think we drink because we love what alcohol does for us. It make. us feel different. The normal social drinker gets that slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling. We get that hot, burning, exciting, in control feeling. We get something from alcohol that we could never get from any other source, period. I was a kid growing up and I was always on the outside of the crowd looking in. Always wanted to be a part of, and knew I could not be. Always knew that whatever I said or did would be the wrong thing and people would laugh, and I would be embarrassed. I became very p very, very introverted, and very shy. One night somebody gave me a drink of whiskey. I put that stuff down through my esophagus, and I damn near choked to death. Never drank anything that tasted so horrible in my life as that

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stuff was. But as soon as it hit my stomach, things began to change. I began to feel taller and taller bigger and bigger. My facial features began to change. I became Fred Astaire on the dance floor. (laughter) I could talk to the girls. I got one to let me take her home in the car. I became the world's greatest lover in the back seat of a '36 Chevrolet. (laughter) Alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself. My mind became obsessed with the idea of drinking alcohol. An obsession of the mind i. an idea that overcomes all other ideas. An obsession of the mind is an idea that is so strong that it makes you believe a lie. It makes you believe something that isn't true. I hadn't been drinking three weeks, and people began to say to me, Charlie, you can't drink. They began to say, you ought to leave that stuff alone. My dad would say, Son, we people can't drink in our family. All of us that try to drink, we end up in serious trouble with it. My mother began to say, you got an uncle that's already died in an insane asylum from alcoholism. You can't drink. Everybody could see that, but I couldn't see it. Because alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself. My mind became so obsessed with recapturing that feeling over and over and over, that I believed something that isn't true. I believed that I could drink. I believed that I could find a way to drink and not get drunk. I believed that I could find a way to drink like other people. I never could drink. Looking back over my life today, I never could safely drink alcohol, but I didn't know that. I drank until I was forty years old, before I realize that I could no longer drink alcohol. This is the obsession of the mind. When you find anything that makes you feel as good as it made us feel in the beginning, your mind's going to become obsessed with it. For some people, it's food. For other people, it's gambling. For other people, it's sex. For other people, it's drugs. For other people, it's work. Anybody who's operating with a true obsession of the mind, can not see the truth about their drinking, or whatever it is they're doing. They believe it's going to be okay. They believe they're normal. They believe it's everybody else that's out of step. Let's see what the doctor lays about that. J (p. xxvi, par. 5) 'The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.' C Even though, once and a while, I could see what alcohol was doing to me. I'd come out of that Jailhouse and I'd say, man, I've got to quit this damn stuff. It's killing me. Within two hours my mind would believe something different. My mind would say, it wasn't the alcohol. It was those people in that bar. Or quit trying to drink vodka, and go back to bourbon and you'll be alright. Or lay off that bourbon, and drink wine. One time it said, drink rum. The only thing I got out of rum was bad dysentery. (laughter) I'm damn sure allergic to it. We cannot differentiate the true from the false. That's what

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we got to--if we're going to help the practicing alcoholic-that's what we've got to realize, that the person who's drinking cannot differentiate the true from the false. They come in the door of an A.A. meeting. We tell them, in our wisdom, everything we know, and they turn right around and they get drunk again. We say, what the hell is the matter with them. What's the matter with them is that they can't differentiate the true from the false. They believe they can drink. That's why alcoholics drink, because they think they can. If I didn't think I could drink, I wouldn't drink. If 1 could see the truth, and know that every time I drink I'm going to the jailhouse, I wouldn't drink. My mind has got to believe a lie, in order for me to drink. If you believe a lie, that mean. you cannot differentiate the true from the false. J (p. xxvi, par. 5) 'To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.' Now he describes how this is triggered. He says: (p. xxvi, par. 5, xxvii, par. 1) 'They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience (top of p. xxvii) the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks--drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.' C Notice the use of the words: phenomenon of craving. Up until that time he is describing the way the mind feels while the person is sober. Then he said, after they have succumbed to the desire again, after they have put two or three drinks in their system, then the phenomenon of craving develops. So craving deals with the physical body, not the mind. It's always used in the context of after we've had one, two, or three drinks. Then we can't stop. Now, Joe's going to go to the board, and he's going to talk a little bit about the other half of our disease. J The main part of our problem... is where all the work is going to be done. We illustrate this over here...with our little emotional barometer. Each and every individual...every human being...has) a very complex emotional life. All these things are part of tour emotional make-up, you know. We have loneliness, fear, and all these emotions and feelings are part of human life. And they all are supposed to be within us. They all play vital roles. Nobody's ever been perfect with them. We alcoholics are not the only persons who have problems with our emotions. All people have emotional problems. They become a problem. He says we become restless, irritable and discontent (p. xxvi, par. 5). I could add a whole lot of other things to that. C We're filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse over the things we did on our last drunk. J These things build up, and they become painful. As we said, we had problems with these things before--I did, as Charlie did--

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before I even had my first drink. I felt, out of it. I had these fears, and these little inadequate feelings about myself. While having one of those... someone offered me a few drinks. And I had a few drinks. I noticed when I had a few drinks...in return I felt a sense of ease and comfort. Alcohol is a downer. When I put alcohol in my system, alcohol suppressed these emotions. As an end result' I felt bettor. So, right at that moment, to some extent, very subtly alcohol became a solution. I had a problem, which I'd had for quite a few years, or months, or period of time. I took a few drinks. A few drinks depressed it. So, alcohol became my answer, my solution. I don't have to feel that way any more. Next time I became restless, irritable, and discontented, I build up to that point, and I remembered what I did the last time. That'. an obsession. I remembered the solution. An idea that overcame all other ideas. So, I began to play that game very shortly...you know, we alcoholics are smart. It doesn't take us _ long to learn. If you have a problem, and that's the answer, you add those two things together. Plus. That's addiction. C Mental addiction. J Mental addiction, not physical addiction. Addiction means to add together. It'. a part of the human process. It's a natural thing. Addiction is natural to every person. Say...your TV would break today. If you were new in town, you wouldn't know who to get to fix it. You would call a friend or go in the yellow pages to find you a repair person to come over to fix your TV Six months later when your TV broke again, the second time you wouldn't call a friend. You wouldn't go in the yellow pages. You would remember who fixed it the last time. You go to the same beauty shop to repeat success, You go to the same barbershop. You buy the same kind of car. You buy the same product. It's repeating success. It's a part of the human being to do that. It's great unless we use it on the wrong thing. We use it every day in our lives. Except when we use it on this, alcohol, drugs, or food or something else like that. We build up to this point. (In Joe's illustration, the point on the emotional barometer where it's necessary to drink.) Each and every one of us are unique here. That's why we're going to look at our own build-up. Each and every person has a unique build-up. No two people are the same. No two people have the same tolerance level. It finally reaches this point and triggers. ..this obsession, an idea. All action--the action of drinking is like any other action-all action is born in thought. You can't take a drink, unless it's proceeded by the thought to drink. It's the thought to drink that produces the drink. We become restless, irritable and discontent and it produces the thought to drink. The thought to drink overcomes all other ideas. It pushes out all other thoughts... and it takes over. We take a few drinks. This is the real problem. It's not the drinking, but the thought to drink. The thought to drink makes us take a few drinks. Once we take a few drinks, once the alcohol enters the

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system, that's the end of our mental problem. It's no longer mental. Because once we put alcohol into the system, that goes over here and sets off the acetone and produces the phenomenon of craving. Now we're drinking because of the body. We take another drink, and another drink, and we go through the well known (stages of a) spree. Down here finally we've finished drinking and we come up for air. We repeat our national anthem, I will never do that again. (laughter) We slowly build up, we have another emotional build-up. We're restless, irritable and discontented. We build up again, it triggers the obsession to drink again. The obsession makes us take a few drinks, and we repeat this again. The doctor said, this is repeated over and over again. C We've got to remember. Just before we take that drink, our mind believes something that isn't true. Our mind believes that this time it's going to be okay. This time we're just going to have two. This time we're not going to get drunk. We can't remember that jailhouse, that car wreck, or whatever it is. If we could remembers it, we wouldn't drink. We believe something that isn't true. It says this time it'll be alight. Then we take the few drinks. J Okay, now, this is built in destruction because the mind is making us put alcohol into the system. The enzyme deficiency is getting worse. As the enzyme deficiency gets worse, the craving gets harder. As the craving gets harder, the drinking gets longer and harder. As the drinking gets longer and harder, the more emotional problems it creates over here (on the emotional barometer) to set it off. So, the mind is destroying the body, and the body in reverse is destroying the mind. This is what we're talking about in the First Step. If you have a physical allergy to alcohol, you can't safely use alcohol. And if you have this little game going on with you, in the mind, then the problem over here is: you can't quit. Sometimes I look at this a little different lately. I really don't know--I was pretty good at quitting. But I couldn't stop starting. (laughter) Now, if you can't drink because of the body, and you can't quit because of the mind, then you are powerless over alcohol. C And if your life isn't unmanageable, it soon will be, if you keep this up. J You are powerless. These two things make us powerless over alcohol. Now, this is Dr. Silkworth's work. Once we solve this, this is the foundation of recovery. Once we understand the problem, there is--once you see, I don't care how difficult it is--there is some answer here. There is a way to beat this thing. Obviously, we don't know anything about (curing the physical allergy.) Therefore, (if) we believe that we're powerless the solution would be power, a Power working in the mind. For many years I tried--I don't know if anybody here...did, you probably did--I tried to control my drinking, while drinking. I didn't do much good. I'm going to stop at three or four. But I didn't know this. I realize now...why I failed. After many years, I finally realized that I, couldn't drink. After about thirteen years

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of trying to drink, I said, I don't believe that you can drink. (laughter) So I decided to quit. Every alcoholic comes to that point. When the alcoholic means to quit, he really means business.. And when he means business, he gets out his number one weapon. He puts a block in here. He puts will. Boy, when he gets will, he means business. C That's his ultimate tool. J Ultimate tool. Will power. I was still restless, irritable and discontented, and I still had an obsession to drink, but I blocked them with will power. Finally, one day, one of those little devils got through! and I was gone again. (laughter) So, we will never be successful over the long haul with will power. It's a funny thing. We need to talk about will power. Will power only works when we see something wrong. As long as we see it's wrong, will power works. But every once in a while, the alcoholic mind tells them, it's alright to drink. Then will power goes out the window. Will power only works when there's something wrong in what we're about to do. So, what we're talking about, what we're proposing here, is a solution. He said, once these people '...can experience an entire psychic change.' (p. xxvii, par. 1) It talks about a personality change sufficient to recover. (Appendix II, p. 569, par. 1 third edition) If we can do some work in here (the obsession part of the disease , if we can make some changes in our personality, if we can live below this tolerance level (on the emotional barometer), which is triggering this obsession, if we can live down here (where it's not necessary to drink), we will never reach this point (where it is necessary to drink). We will never trigger the obsession. We will never take our first drink. We will never set off the craving in the body. This is what we're...talking about: believing that a Power greater than ourselves, through the application of these Steps, a spiritual experience produces a personality change sufficient, good enough, to recover from alcoholism. But it'. based on: what is the problem? The First Step is the foundation of all the other work. Our book shows us the exact nature of our problem. C The doctor said: (p. xxvii, par. 1) '...unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.' The instant he used the word psychic, he left the body and he surely went to the mind. Because the terms he talked about: restless, irritable and discontented those are not feelings of the body. Those are emotions that the mind heat We can put more words in: shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. Those are all things of the mind. We run around feeling that way. We don't like to feel that way, and the mind begins to seek relief. It begins to seek that sense of ease and comfort which come. at once by taking a few drinks (p. xxvii, par. 1), drinks which we see other people taking without getting drunk. Finally, the relief that we're after, that idea, becomes so strong that we believe we can drink. We take the drink, and then we go through

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the well know stages of a spree. Unless we can experience an entire psychic change, a different method of thinking, unless we can find _ way to live where we're not restless, irritable and discontented, where we're not filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse, our mind is always going to go back and seek that relief. But if we could find a way to live where we don't feel that way emotionally, in our head, then the emotions will never build to the level that requires that we take a drink in order to change the way we feel. He said: (p. xxvii, par. 2) 'On the other hand--and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand--once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.' So, even though we have a two fold disease, the disease of the body as well as a disease of the mind, recovery can only come about through the mind itself. They can do nothing about the body. They've been trying to do something about it ever since this was written back in 1939. They're not any closer to it, today, than they were then. The doctors today still tell us: don't drink it. Stay away from it. They can do nothing about the body, so recovery will have to come through the mind. Let's take the words alcohol out of that solution, and let's put the word "food" in it. Some people are restless, irritable and discontented unless they can experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by eating two Hostess Twinkies. (laughter) People who are obsessed with the idea of eating food, they get something from food that we alcoholics do not understand. Whatever it is, it makes them feel good. They begin to eat too much of it! whatever it might be. They begin to destroy their lives. They begin to destroy the lives of those around them. Everybody sees that they can't do that, and they themselves see it from time to time. But also, from time to time, their mind believes that this time it's going to be different. Anybody(who's)operating under an obsession of the mind cannot really see the truth about what they're doing. Let's take food out of there, and let's put gambling in. Some people are obsessed with the idea of gambling. The more they examine it and the more they study it today, they know that when the gambler gambles, the body undergoes certain changes. It create. a physical factor in the body, and makes them feel better than anything ever made them feel. They continue to gamble, and gamble, and gamble, and destroy their lives and the lives of everybody around them. Always the mind saying, I'm just going to bet two dollars this time that's all. They really cannot differentiate the true from the false. Some people are obsessed with sex. Some people are obsessed with working. They work, and they work, and they work, and the only time they feel good is when

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they're working. They destroy their lives and the lives of everybody around them. Everybody can see what's happening to them, but they can't see that. Why, there are some people who are obsessed with the idea of stopping other people from drinking. (laughter) I don't know what it is they get out of it. I certainly don't understand, but their mind becomes obsessed with the idea of stopping another person from drinking. They try everything in the world. They throw away the car keys. They have them locked up in ]ail. They put their clothes out on the front porch. They bring them back in. They stay up all night looking for them to come home. Then when they come home, they raise hell with them, and throw them out of the house. (laughter) Everybody can see that it's not working, but they believe it's going to work. Anybody (who) operates under an obsession of the mind, whatever it is, cannot differentiate the true from the false. They think that what their doing is eventually going to be what it is they're searching for. Ours happened to be an obsession with alcohol. Other people's is obsession with drugs of different kinds, cocaine, heroin, marihuana, it doesn't make any difference. We do those things because it makes us feel better. Until eventually it turns against us, and begins to destroy us. By then our mind has become so obsessed, we can't differentiate the true from the false. Now, the only hope that the practicing alcoholic, or that the overeater, or that the drug addict, or that any of us have, is, some way, to find a way to live, and be peaceful and happy and serene, whenever we're not using whatever it is we were using. If we can find a way to feel good and be free from whatever it is we're using, then we don't have to use that stuff in order to make ourselves feel better. And we do that through a psychic change. A change in the mind. A change in attitude. A change in the mental outlook. upon life. The doctor (Dr. Silkworth) told us what's wrong with us. The doctor told us what we needed to recover. But the doctor could do no more for us, because he didn't know how to bring this psychic change about. The only thing that he gave us was the problem. But for the first time in the history of mankind we saw what the problem really is. That's what Bill took to Dr. Bob. That's what Bill and Dr. Bob took to Bill D, A.A. number three, the one on the bed. That's what they took to A.A. number four. You see, they said Bill went to Dr. Bob to carry the message. No. No, Bill was the message. Bill was the message. Bill was the message of: this is the way I drank. This is what happened to me. This is the solution I found. This is the practical program I used. Bill was the message, because up until that time nobody understood what Bill Wilson understood. He was the first human being to know those three things. You and I know those three today. If we act upon it as Bill and the rest did, then we most certainly can recover from this hopeless condition of the mind and the body, (p. 20, par. 2) just exactly like they did. Now, the rest of the book will be designed to show us the

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solution to this problem, and the practical program of action necessary to find that solution. The book now starts a pattern that it will follow all the way through the book. Now, there's a few things about the book, if we can pick up on the way Bill wrote, that it makes the book very simple. The pattern it now will start is, that it never tells us something that it does not then give us an example to reinforce what it's told us. The very next chapter in the book will be Bill's Story. It will be an example of what the doctor has told us in The Doctor's Opinion. And that's where we start tomorrow morning, with Bill's Story. We're through for the evening. Hope you all have enjoyed it. We certainly have. (applause) C Like I said last night, we love to tell jokes. We love to laugh. We love to cut up. We love to have fun. And we think that's what this thing is basically about. If we can't enjoy ourselves and have fun in A.A., sooner or later we're going to go back to drinking. The story I like to tell... (Bus station Joke. )

* * *

J Everybody gets a lot of fun, and they always wonder why I shake my head at Charlie's jokes. You know, I listen to them quite often. (laughter) As we begin...I think again we can see the importance of Friday night in the Big Book study. It's to lay the foundation for the weekend. Because the whole thing is going to be built on the problem. What is the problem? The First Step, you know, that is the foundation of recovery. That's what opens the door. Once we see the problem--last night we went through The Doctor's Opinion--we went through the problem. We found out that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. We found out that the details of this was involved in the fact that we have a disease. That this disease is twofold. That it affects the body and the mind. Later on we're going to have to bring in the third area of human life, the spiritual, in order to recover. So this weekend ... we're going to be talking about all three parts of a human life. There are three parts to a human life: the mind, the body F and the spirit. We find out that our disease is twofold. We have a physical allergy, which is manifested by the craving. And we have a mental obsession. These two things, coupled together, make us powerless over alcohol. This is the exact nature of the problem. So now that we have seen this, as Charlie said last night, our book, the Big Book, has a...specific, unique, beautiful, way of teaching. Once it makes a point, then it can broaden on that point. It always... gives you an explanation of it, and ... gives us a broader concept of what our problem is. So Bill's story fits right behind The Doctor's Opinion. The doctor has explained the problem. Bill's Story is an example of active alcoholism. You know, if you were in a medical school, and you went into a classroom setting, they would probably teach you academically

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about an illness or a disease. After they (taught) you about the illness, then they would carry you on to the ward, and show you somebody with that illness. This is what Bill's Story does. Bill's Story broadens on The Doctor's Opinion. We can see alcoholism in a human life. We can see it's progression. We can see the allergy, the obsession, and the progression of alcoholism. And it also brings out to me the second part of the First Step: our lives have become unmanageable. We can see the unmanageability of Bill's life as we read and study Bill's Story. This is why Bill's Story doesn't really have a lot of impact on the reader if he starts at Bill's Story. If he has read and studied The Doctor's Opinion, then...Bill's Story has some meaning. (End of Side A of Tape 2)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Carlie P. All Rights Reserved

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(Tape 2 Side B) J So now this morning we're going to find out how our lives become unmanageable as a result of the problem we found in The Doctor's Opinion. C As Joe says, we learned certain things when we studied The Doctor's Opinion. Based upon that information, as we go to Bill's Story, following the standard textbook idea, we'll be able then to pick up more ideas about alcoholism, to add to what we learned last night. Another thing we're going to learn in Bill's Story, is we're going to see identification. Back in those day, they did there in Akron, Cleveland, and New York City he same thing we do today, when they worked with a new alcoholic. They went out to the new alcoholic and sat down with them wherever it might be, hospital, jailhouse, home, or wherever. They sat down with them, and explained to the. their own disease of alcoholism. This is the greatest thing that can happen to a practicing alcoholic. Everybody in the world has been talking to the practicing alcoholic about his or her alcoholism. The wife, the spouse, the husband, the doctor, the police, and everybody else, has been talking to the. about his alcoholism. The A.A. member sits down and talks about their own alcoholism. This is a great relief for the practicing alcoholic. In discussing their own alcoholism, they can help the new alcoholics see where they are. In discussing their own disease, they can help the new alcoholic see what the disease of alcoholism is. In doing that, if they do it in the right manner, we make an identification process, one alcoholic speaking to another. They knew, though, when the Big Book was written that it was going to be coming to places like Arizona, California, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Nebraska. They were not going to be able to see those people on a one on one, face to face basis. So the Big Book would have to do the identification process. In putting Bill's Story exactly where it is, the person who has read and studied The Doctor's Opinion, they will now be able to identify with another alcoholic in Bill's Story. They also will be able to, perhaps, get the beginning of belief, believing that what has happened to Bill could possibly happen to them also. We will see the beginning of hope, hoping that what happened to Bill (can happen to us). We'll see his recovery. If we're like Bill and we've identified, then we can develop hope that maybe that can happen to us also. So Bill's Story fits in here exactly where it should. Some people say, well, I can't identify with Bill, because after all he was a night school lawyer in New York City. Most of us were not night school lawyer. Or some of us say, well, he was a stockbroker and worked in the stock market, and we did not.(We) couldn't identify with him. And where Joe and I come from we say, yeah, and he was a Yankee also, that's part of the difficulty. (laughter) But if we read and study Bill's Story, I think we'll be able to find all the identification that we need, to identify

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with Bill, and begin to believe and hope that maybe this could happen to us also. We'll be able to see the progression of the disease in Bill's Story. So let's briefly run though it and look for some points, that maybe would help us identify with Bill. We usually start on page two. On page two he says: (p. 2, par. 1) 'I took a night law course, and obtained employment as investigator for a surety company. The drive for success was on. I'd prove to the world I was important.' Well, I already identify with Bill Wilson. That's all I ever tried to do all my life, was lust prove to the world that I'm just as important as anybody else in it. He said: (p. 2, par. 1) 'My work took me about Wall Street and little by little I became interested in the market. Many people lost money--but some became very rich. Why not I? I studied economics and business as well as law. Potential alcoholic that I was, I nearly failed my law course. At one of the finale I was too drunk to think or write. Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their beat projects when drunk...' I have no trouble identifying with Bill Wilson. (laughter) Next paragraph: (p. 2, par. 2) 'By the time I had completed the course, I knew the law was not for me. The inviting maelstrom of Wall Street had me in it's grip. Business and financial leaders were my heroes. Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in it's flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons. Living modestly, my wife and I saved 91,000. It went into certain securities, then cheap and rather unpopular. I rightly imagined that they would some day have a great rise. I failed to persuade my broker friends to send me out looking over factories and management-, but my wife and I decided to go anyway. I had developed a theory that most people lost money in stocks through ignorance of markets. I discovered many more reasons later on.' We can begin to see the stubbornness of the alcoholic in Bill Wilson. Bill had developed a theory, this was back in the 1920's. The stock market was on a roll, similar to what it is today. (This was taped in February, 1987) Nearly everybody who dealt in stocks was making money. You simply had to buy some stock, hold it a while. They went up in price. You sold them. You bought some more, held them a while, et cetera. Bill began to say, this really isn't the way to invest your money. HQ began to say, I think we ought to go out and investigate these companies. Find out how much money they're really making, what their assets are, what the stocks are selling for, and begin to make our decisions based upon actual fact, rather than pure speculation. Bill didn't have the money to do this so he went to people who had the money in the stock market, and proposed the idea to them. They said, no, Bill, we don't need that. We're making all the money we need, and we don't need any of that kind of stuff. Now, Bill, being a good stubborn, hardheaded alcoholic, he said,

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well, I'll show them. I'll do it anyhow. So he and Lois took what little bit of money that they had, and they decided to go out and investigate all these companies on their own. He said: (p. 2, par. 3: p. 3, par. 1) 'We gave up our positions and off we roared on a motorcycle, the sidecar stuffed with tent, blankets, a change of clothes, and three huge volumes of a financial (top of p. 3) reference service. Our friends thought a lunacy commission should be appointed. Perhaps they were right. I had had some success at speculation, so we had a little money, but we once worked on a farm for a month to avoid drawing on our small capital. That was the last honest manual labor on my part for many a day. We covered the whole eastern United States in a year. At the end of it, my reports to Wall Street procured me a position there and the use of a large expense account. The exercise of an option brought in more money, leaving us with a profit of several thousand dollars for that year.' When Bill took this information back to Wall Street, and showed it to the same people, they said, oh, yeah, we see what you're talking about now. This is a hell of a good idea. Immediately, they put Bill on a payroll, gave him a large salary, gave him a large expense account, and Bill had a profit of several thousand dollars for that year. He'd come from nothing, now to a person who had some means, and a person who had succeeded at life. He said: (p. 3, par. 2) 'For the next few years fortune threw money and applause my way. I had arrived.' Oh, I don't have any trouble identifying with Bill. You get those goals set. You work and you work and you strive. You finally get there, and damn, it feels good. He said: (p. 3, par. 3) 'My judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions. The great boom of the late twenties was seething and swelling. Drink was taking an important and exhilaration part in my life. There was loud talk in the jazz places uptown. Everyone spent in thousands and chattered in millions. Scoffers could scoff and be damned. I made a host of fair-weather friends . ' Bill doesn't know that he's alcoholic. He simply knows that he likes to drink. Drinking now becomes an important part in his life. He said: (p. 3, par. 3) 'My drinking assumed more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated Ina row and I became a lone wolf.' The business partners began to say, Bill, you're drinking too much. Bill, you're coating us money. Bill, you're making mistakes. Bill, we think you ought to slow down. Bill, we think you ought to quit. Bill, we think you ought to drink like old John over there. Finally like most alcoholics, Bill got tired of that, and Bill said, to hell with them. He withdrew from them, and became a lone wolf, and began to operate on his own. He said: (p. 3, par. 3) 'There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. There had been no real infidelity, for

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loyalty to my wife, helped at times by extreme drunkenness, kept me out of those scrapes.' I've always believed everything Bill wrote, but I'm not sure about that last statement. Lois in some of her writings talks about the time he came home and he had on his shirt, tie, and coat, and shoes and socks but he didn't have anything on in between. (laughter) Maybe he'd been operating in a blackout, who knows. Page four. (p. 4, par. 2) 'Abruptly in October 1929 hell broke loose on the New York stock exchange. After one of those days of inferno, I wobbled from a hotel bar to a brokerage office. It was eight o'clock--five hours after the market closed. The ticker still clattered. I was staring at an inch of the tape which bore the inscription XYZ-32. It had been 52 that morning. I was finished and so were many friends. The papers reported men jumping to death from the towers of High Finance. That disgusted me. I would not Jump. I went back to the bar.' (laughter) (p. 4, par. 2) 'My friends had dropped several million since ten o'clock--so what? Tomorrow was another day. As I drank, the old fierce determination to win came back.' How many of us have done the same thing. How many of us have come out of the jailhouse, the hospital, the divorce court, we're low, sad, depressed? We stop in a bar and we have a drink or two. As we do that old fierce determination to win comes back. We say, by God, we'll show them. They're not going to treat me that way. We get up, and we take off again in a different direction. (p. 4, par. 3) 'Next morning I telephoned a friend in Montreal. He had plenty of money left and thought I had better go to Canada. By the following spring we were living in our accustomed style. I felt like Napoleon returning from Elba. No St. Helena for me' But drinking caught up with me again and my generous friend had to let me go. This time we stayed broke.' We can see the progression of Bill's disease. Gradually getting worse and worse. (p. 4, par. 4; p. 5, par. 1) 'We went to live with my wife's parents. I found a job: then lost it as the result of a brawl with a taxi driver. Mercifully, no one could guess that I was to have no real employment for five years, or hardly draw a sober breath. My wife began to work in a department store, coming home exhausted to find me drunk. (top of p. 5) I became an unwelcome hanger-on at brokerage places.' Here was a guy that just a few months before this, people were following his advice to the tune of millions of dollars. Now he's an unwelcome hanger-on at brokerage places. Nobody wants anything to do with him now. His drinking has become so bad that nobody wants to follow his judgement at all. (p. 5, par. 2) 'Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity.' Now we're no longer drinking for fun and excitement. We're now drinking to live, because we absolutely have to. (p. 5, par. 2) '"Bathtub" gin, two bottles a day, and often

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three, got to be routine. Sometimes a small deal would net a few hundred dollars, and I would pay my bills at the bars and delicatessens. This went on endlessly, and I began to waken very early in the morning shaking violently. A tumbler full of gin followed by half a dozen bottles of beer would be required if I were to eat any breakfast. Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife's hope.' Remember Dr. Silkworth tells us that we really cannot differentiate the true from the false. To us what we're doing is normal. We can see Bill's life going to hell in a hand basket already. Bill can't see that. Bill feels that he can control the situation. There were periods of time when he would sober up, put a few deals together, make a little money, and he thought everything was going okay. But: (p. 5, par. 3-4) 'Gradually things got worse. The house was taken over by the mortgage holder, my mother-in-law died, my wife and father-in-law became ill. 'Then I got a promising business opportunity. Stocks were at the low point of 1932, and I had somehow formed a group to buy. I was to share generously in the profits. Then I went on a prodigious bender, and that chance vanished. ' This is a story within itself. See "Pass it On", pp. 91-92. Bill had put this deal together. He had sold it to the people(who)had money. They bought into this idea on the provision that Bill didn't drink. They said, Bill, if you take as much as one drop of booze you're going to blow the whole deal. No drinking period. And Bill said, don't worry about it. I'm not ever going to drink again as long as I live. One night just before the deal was consummated, they were setting around talking and somebody passed a bottle of applejack around. It came to Bill, and he said, no thank you, I'm not drinking. The second round it came to Bill, and Bill said, well, I don't believe one drink of applejack would hurt anybody. Bill took a drink, triggered his allergy, couldn't stop drinking, got drunk and blew the whole deal. For the first time in his life, Bill could see what alcohol was doing to him. The next paragraph he said: (p. 5, par. 5) 'I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take so much as one drink. I was through forever. Before then, I had written iota of sweet promises, but my wife happily observed that this time I meant business. And so I did.' He sang our national anthem. He said, I ain't never going to take another drink of that stuff as long as I live. Now, Bill had an amazing amount of will power. Bill was one of these guys (who) came from nothing. He was a self-made man. We saw him educate himself as a lawyer through night law school. We saw him go from somebody with no financial means at all to actually for a period of time a multimillionaire. Bill had an extreme amount of will power. He assumed that now that I want to stop drinking, all I've got to do is put the will power to it, and I'll be okay. but then:

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(p. 5, par. 6; p. 6, par. 1) 'Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn't know. It hadn't even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. 'Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time (top of p. 6) passed, and confidence began to be replaced by cocksureness. I could laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes! One day I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did.' I have no trouble identifying with Bill Wilson. Last paragraph page six: (p. 6, par. 3; p. 7, par. 1) The mind and body are marvelous mechanisms, for mine endured this agony two more years. Sometimes I stole from my wife's slender purse when the morning terror and madness were on me. Again I swayed dizzily before an open window, or the medicine cabinet where there was poison, cursing myself for a weakling. There were flights from city to country and back, a. my wife and I sought escape. Then came the night when the physical and mental torture was so hellish I feared I would burst through my window, sash and all. Somehow I managed to drag my mattress to a lower floor, feat I suddenly leap. A doctor came with (top of p. 7) a heavy sedative. Next day found me drinking both gin and sedative. This combination soon landed me on the rocks.' We talk today as if dual addiction is something brand new. Bill had a problem with this way back in the '30's. So did Dr. Bob, and so did many of the first one hundred people. (p. 7, par. 1) 'People feared for my sanity. So did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was forty pounds under weight.' Now we see the progression of the disease to the point where we're beginning to die from alcoholism. We can't eat anymore. Malnutrition has got us. Unless something happens pretty fast, we're going to die from our disease. Bill was very fortunate. He said: (p. 7, par. 2) 'My brother-in-law is a physician...' This is a fellow named Dr. Leonard Strong. (p. 7, par. 2) '...and through his kindness and that of my mother I was placed in a nationally-known hospital for the mental and physical rehabilitation of alcoholics. Under the so-called belladonna treatment my brain cleared. Hydrotherapy and mild exercise helped much. Best of all, I met ~ kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.' This is the summer of 1933. We're now in the Towns Hospital, and Bill has been talking to Dr. Silkworth. J Dr. Leonard Strong placed Bill in the Towns (Hospital) under Dr. Silkworth. He was a great part of this in Bill's life. He

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actually put him in the Towns (Hospital), and he actually paid for it every time he was in there. There he met Dr. Silkworth. Dr. Silkworth explained to Bill what we talked about in The Doctor's Opinion last night. He explained to him, Bill, I believe that you have this allergy. I believe that it has nothing to do with will power. I believe you have a disease. Bill said: (p. 7, par. 3) 'It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects.' Because Bill had been trying to use will power. Once he talked to Dr. Silkworth, this is when he saw where it wouldn't work. (p. 7, par. 3) 'My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high.' Now, that's slang. Young people might not understand it. That means he was doing pretty good. (laughter) The goose hung high. (p. 7, par. 3-4) 'I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer--self-knowledge. 'But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital.' Bill returned to the hospital the next time in 1934, the summer of 1934, about a year later. (p. 7, par. 4) 'This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens...' Bill overheard Dr. Silkworth talking to Lois, telling her he probably wouldn't live too much longer. (p. 7, par. 4: p. 8, par. 1) '...or I would develop a wet brain, perhaps within a year. She would soon have to give me over to the undertaker or the asylum. 'They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my (top of p. 8) pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now.' Bill, remember, had gone through the whole thing. He had talked to Dr. Silkworth once. Now here he was back again, the second time. He was beginning to a-e, really, his predicament. Listen to the next paragraph very closely. (p. 8, par. 2) 'No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.' C Now surely this is when Bill took Step One. There was no

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 8-9 Tape 2B-8

Step One written in those days But surely this is when Bill admitted defeat. He had admitted that he had become powerless over alcohol--that his life had become unmanageable. Alcohol had become his master. It had defeated him in a fair fight. If that should happen to you and me today, chances are we would leave that hospital and we'd say, well, I guess I'd better go to A.A. But there wasn't any A.A. in those days. Bill had nowhere to turn. Even though he had admitted complete defeat, and admitted that alcohol had become his master. He left that hospital with no place to go. (p. 8, par. 3) 'Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again.'(This was November 11, 1934) Again that's a story within itself. It's in "A.A. Comes of Age." ("Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age," pages 56-57) If you haven't read it, you really ought to read it. It's a very interesting story. His mind, his obsession became operative, and told him it would be alright to take a drink. Bill took a drink and triggered the allergy, and, of course, he couldn't stop. (p. 8, par. 3 p. 9, par. 1) 'Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn t In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes. 'Near the end of that bleak November, I sat drinking in my kitchen. With a certain satisfaction I reflected there was enough gin concealed about the house to carry me through that night and the next day. My wife was at work. I wondered whether I dared hide a full bottle of gin near the head of our bed. I would need it before daylight. 'My musing was interrupted by the telephone. The cheery voice of an old school friend asked if he might (top of p. 9) come over. He was sober. It was years since I could remember his coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed.' This old friend was a guy named Ebby Thatcher. Bill knew Ebby way back from the time they were really children. They went to school together, various different places and times up in Vermont. Ebby drank like Bill did. Every time Bill saw Ebby, especially in New York City, Ebby had always been drunk. Here is Ebby in New York City. He's calling Bill, and he's sober. Bill is absolutely amazed by this. The last thing he'd heard about Ebby (was that) Ebby was about to be committed to the state insane asylum in Vermont for alcoholic insanity. That's what they used to do with people like us. They didn't have the treatment centers like they've got them today. If you knew somebody, or you had enough money you could get into a place like the Towns Hospital. But the normal old drunk like most of us are, about the only thing they could do for us was drag us in

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 9 Tape 2B-9

front of the Judge. The Judge would commit us to the state insane asylum, wherever it was, for alcoholic insanity. Bill had heard that was what had happened to Ebby up in Vermont. But here he is in New York City. Not only is he not in the insane asylum, but he's sober. Bill said: (p. 9, par. 1-5) 'Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. Of course he would have dinner, and then I could drink openly with him. Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days. There was that time we had chartered an airplane to complete a Jag' His coming was an oasis in this dreary desert of futility. The very thing--an oasis' Drinkers are like that. 'The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened? 'I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn't himself. '"Come, what's all this about?" I queried. 'He looked straight at me. Simply, but smilingly, he said, "I've got religion."' I'm damn glad that didn't happen in my kitchen. (laughter) I have no idea what I would have done. But here's what Bill did. Bill said: (p. 9, par. 6-7) 'I was aghast. So that was it--last summer an alcoholic crackpot now, I suspected, a little cracked about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. Yea, the old boy was on fire all right. But bless his heart, let him rant! Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching. 'But he did no ranting. In a matter of fact way he told how two men had appeared in court' persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. That was two months ago and the result was self-evident. It worked t' (Note that here is the phrase that Joe and Charlie use: practical program of action.) J Now we can see this is a very integral part, where we can see the ideas coming together that produced the Big Book, the three things we're talking about. (problem, solution, practical program of action) Remember that Bill has already been to see Dr. Silkworth in 1933, and he has gotten the problem. In the summer of 1933, Dr. Silkworth explained to him the exact nature of the problem. In 1934, that summer at the Towns (Hospital), he really accepted Step One. But he didn't have any other program. He didn't have any other thing but Step One. About the same time that summer Ebby, who came from a good family, was kind of down on his luck. Booze had Ebby. Ebby had got in a little difficulty that summer too. It seems that Ebby was driving his father's car down the road. His father had passed ... and his family had given him one of the cars. He was driving this car down the road. It seems like he ran off the road, and ran into

Step # 1-2- Big Book Page # 9-10 Tape 2B- 10

a lady's house. Even more importantly he actually ran into the kitchen of the lady's house. The lady was in the kitchen. Ebby got out of the car right in the lady's kitchen, and said, Madam, how about a cup of coffee. (laughter) It seemed like some narrow minded judge didn't get the humor out of it, and wanted to put Ebby in the nut house. (See "Pass It On", pp. 114-115) Rowland, who we'll talk about a little bit later, who had been to Dr. Carl Jung. Dr. Carl Jung had told him about the spiritual experience, had told him about the solution, in Zurich, Switzerland. He heard about Ebby. He had come back and got in the Oxford Groups, and used their program, their planned program of action, to find the solution that Dr. Carl Jung told him about. So they had this information. The judge turned (Ebby over to Rowland). Rowland took Ebby to his home and kept him for a couple of weeks. Then he took him in to New York City to Sam Shoemaker's mission which was at that time really the headquarters there of the Oxford Groups movement. There were some Oxford Groupers that hung around the mission, and took care of the people that came in there at night, ten or twelve of them. Ebby had about three months sobriety. He was one of the disciples in the Oxford Group there at the mission who worked with people at night. He had been on Wall Street before, too, during the day. (He) decided to go down on Wall Street. When he got down there, some of the people told him about Bill, and what kind of shape he was in. Ebby said, I believe I'll call him and see if he's interested in this new thing I've found through the Oxford Groups. Bill had the problem. On (page) eight, he had taken Step One. (p. 8, par. 2) And that's all he had. But Ebby brought him a simple religious idea, which is Step Two, and a practical program of action, (p. 9, par. 7) which became Steps Three through Twelve, the recovery Steps. Ebby brought him the other two pieces of the puzzle. I've always said, when Ebby walked into the kitchen, it was where the problem found the solution, and the planned program of recovery. He said: (p. 9, par. 8 p. 10, par. 1) 'He had come to pass his experience along to me--if (top of p. 10) I cared to have it. I was shocked, but interested. Certainly I was interested. I had to be, for I was hopeless.' See he had taken Step One. (p. 10, par 2) 'He talked for hours. Childhood memories rose before me. I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat, on still Sundays, way over there on the hillside; there was that proffered temperance pledge I n-ver signed; my grandfather's good natured contempt of some church folk and their doings; his insistence that the spheres really had their music; but his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen; his fearlessness as he spoke of these things just before he died; these recollections welled up from the pact. They made me swallow hard.' Remember when Ebby came to Bill's kitchen it was not the message of "Alcoholics Anonymous." It was the program of the

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 10-11 Tape 2B-11

Oxford Group, it had religious connotations and religious expressions. It was a very harsh thing for Bill to hear. Bill...like most alcoholics had a lot of--he didn't like religion, he didn't like this thing. It came from the way his grandfather...raised Bill, his background. He didn't like Ebby's solution. He immediately bristled at what Ebby told him. He did not like it. C Bill said: (p. 10, par. 4; p. 11, par. 1) 'I had always believed in a Power greater than myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation. But that was as far as I had gone. 'With ministers, and the world's religions, I parted right there. When they talked of a God personal to me, who was love, superhuman strength and direction, I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory. (top of p. 11) 'To Christ I conceded the certainty of a great man, not too closely followed by those who claimed Him. His moral teaching--most excellent. For myself, I had adopted those parts which seemed convenient and not too difficult the rest I disregarded.' Now, I hews no trouble identifying with Bill Wilson. (p. 11, par. 2-4) 'The ware which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religion of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boos Universal, and he certainly had me. 'But my friend sat before me, and he made the pointblank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed. Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the beat he had ever known! 'Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute and this was none at all.' You see this is where the identification process is so important. Bill knew about Ebby. He knew how Ebby drank. He knew Ebby was just as powerless as he was. Yet here's Ebby in his kitchen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He's saying, Bill, because of this God that I have found through this practical program of

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 12 Tape 2B-12

action, I don't have to drink anymore. Bill could see that something had taken place in Ebby's life, that Ebby had certainly been powerless, and that it had to come from a Power greater than Ebby was. Over on page twelve, even though he recognized that, he still didn't like the idea. He said: (p. 12, par. 2) 'Despite the living example of my friend there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the ides. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way.' Now apparently Ebby got tired of this mesa. They're sitting there and they're really arguing about this God idea and about religion, et cetera. Apparently, Ebby got tired of doing this. Finally, Ebby said to Bill--and notice the next statement is in italics. We call that squiggly writing. When you see squiggly writing in the Big Book, stop, and read it again. Usually it's very, very, important. Ebby said to Bill: (p. 12, par. 3) '"Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"' In effect, he really said, what are we arguing about, Bill. What difference does it make whether we call Him God, Universal Mind, Czar of the Heavens, Spirit of Nature, Yahweh, Mohammed, Buddha. He said, why don't you just choose your own conception of God. Now, the moment he said that, he changed it from a religious idea to a spiritual idea. You see, religion says, this is the way you've got to believe. Spirituality says you can believe any way you want to. The main thing being that you believe in a power greater than you are. Immediately the idea (changed) from religion to spirituality. This began to make sense in Bill's life. Bill said: (p. 12, par. 4-5) 'That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last. 'It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of m to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!' Now surly, surly, this is when Bill took Step Two. Step Two had never been written. But surely Bill began to believe in a Power greater than himself, that could solve his problem, that could restore him to sanity, that could do whatever needed to be done. He said it was only a matter of being willing to believe. You don't really have to believe. Even the atheist can become willing to believe. The people who were agnostically inclined like I am, we always did believe. We just acted as if we didn't. I look back in my life today, and don't think there's ever been a time in my life that I did not believe in a God of

Step # 2-3 Big Book Page # 12-13 Tape 2B-13

some kind, some Power greater than human power. Ebby said, Bill, that's all you got to believe. You don't have to worry about religion. You don't have to worry about somebody else's ideas. Why don't you choose your own conception of God, as you understand Him. Immediately, that made it spirituality rather than religion. J Okay, at this point, Bill was able to, believe, or take Step Two. He says: (p. 12, par. 6) 'Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view.' Through talking, and looking at Ebby, seeing Ebby, Bill was able to come to believe. Remember though, he began drinking on Armistice Day. Remember the sequence of events. He got out of the hospital that summer of '34, started drinking on Armistice Day, early November. Now it's the...end of November, when Ebby comes to see him. It's the end of the month, and he's been drinking probably three weeks. He was in pretty bad shape. He tries to-although he has taken the Second Step--he tries to start working the program of action. He tries to start going to some meetings with Ebby, to start working the program. But he's in the grips of active alcoholism. Remember, he's chronic at this point. He can't really stop drinking. He goes to some meetings with Ebby. Once there was a story about how he was on the way to one meeting with Ebby. He had to go through Twenty-third Street where there were a lot of bars on the way to the meeting. He got bar hopping. He met this third drunk in the bar, this Finish sail maker. He was setting on the bar telling him about what a great thing he had found. Drunk. You know what I mean? (laughter) This guy said, oh, that sounds good. I believe I'll go with you. They both went down there, and Ebby had some problems. Ebby had to take them and talk to them. He said, Bill went out--after Ebby gave them some sandwiches and coffee in the kitchen--Bill went back out into the meeting. He said, he made the damnedest talk you ever heard. You know, he just took over. For some reason or another, he said, that night on the way home Bill didn't stop at the bar. He went on home, and he went to bed. This was about three days... before he got down so bad that he had to go back to the Towns Hospital to be gotten off the alcohol for the last time. (p. 13, par. 2) 'At the hospital I was separated from alcohol for the last time. Treatment seemed wise, for I showed signs of delirium tremens.' Now, Listen' This is a very important page of the Big Book. Let's go very carefully. (p. 13, par. 3) 'There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost.' C Now surly, this is when Bill took Step Three. It had never

Step # 4-12 Big Book Page # 13 Tape 2B-14

been written in those day. But surly, this is Step Three. J (p. 13, par. 3) 'I ruthlessly faced my sins' C Surely, this is when he took Step Four, a searching and fearless moral inventory of himself. J p. 13, par. 3) 'and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away p root and branch.' C He must have taken Steps Six and Seven. He became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character, and humbly asked him to do so. Surly this is Step Six and Seven. J (p. 13, par. 4) 'My schoolmate visited me, and I fully acquainted him with my problems and deficiencies.' C This has got to be Step Five. Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. J (p. 13, par. 4) 'We made a list of people I had hurt or toward whom I felt resentment .' C This has got to be Step Eight. Made a list of those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. J (p. 13, par. 4) 'I expressed my entire willingness to approach these individuals, admitting my wrong. Never was I to be critical of them. I was to right all such matters to the utmost of my ability.' C This has got to be Step Nine. J (p. 13, par. 5) 'I was to test my thinking by the new Godconsciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense.' C This must be Step Ten. J (p. 13, par. 5) 'I we. to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure. ' C Golly, this has got to be Step Eleven got to be Step Eleven. J p. 13, par. 6) 'My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator: that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems.' C This has got to be Step Twelve. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. J So we can see even before the Steps were written, Bill recovered as the results of taking the Step-. You have to remember now, when this chapter was written. Bill's Story was written exactly twelve months before the Twelve Steps were written. But actually we can see that Bill recovered as a result of the Steps. Latter on when he wrote that night he was able to recall what he had done and put these Steps down for us. But he recovered. He did not have this thing, bang, and then write the Steps for us. He recovered as the result of the Steps, in the Towns Hospital, with Ebby and with, Dr. Silkworth. C This is why he was able to say in How It Works, that these are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery. On page fourteen. He said:

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 14 Tape 2B- 15

(p. 14, par. 2) 'Simple, but not easy...' ( end Side B of Tape 2 )

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Carlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 14 Tape 3A-1

(Begin Side A of Tape 3) C (p. 14, par. 2) 'Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.' The poor old alcoholic, in order for us to recover, we've got to give up the two things we hold nearest and dearest to our hearts: one is alcohol, and the other is self-centeredness, very, very simple things, but extremely difficult to do. Bill said: (p. 14, par. 3) 'These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound.' And Bill thought he was going crazy. He said: (p. 14, par. 4-5) 'For a moment I was alarmed, and called my friend, the doctor, to ask if I were still sane. He listened in wonder as I talked. 'Finally he shook his head saying, "Something has happened to you I don't understand. But you had better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were."' I don't think any of us really know what took place in Bill's life that day, because we were not there, and we were not Bill Wilson. But we do know this: that this happened to Bill about December tenth or eleventh of 1934. We do know that Bill didn't die until January of 1971. We do know that Bill never had to take another drink of whiskey or alcohol in any form whatsoever as long as he lived. Something profound took place in Bill's life that day as the result of this practical program of action which had been brought to him by Ebby from the Oxford Groups itself. You see Bill was the first human being to know all three things. He knew what the problem was. He knew what the solution was. He knew the practical program of action. When he applied it in his life then he recovered from his disease of alcoholism. People today, they think, well, Bill, just had this great white flash, you know, with nothing to prepare him to have that. We can see in Bill's Story where he actually did take the Steps. Long, long, before they were ever written, Bill took them and applied them in his own life. Joe. J Okay, if we've completed Bill's Story, we have laid the foundation. We know exactly what the problem is. This is the completion of the problem section of the book. Now that we know the problem--and we say in problem solving methods--we can take that information and go into the second part of the phase of the Big Book: what is the solution? Just like going to the doctor, first thing you do when you go to the doctor, the first thing the doctor does is find out: what is the problem? He makes a diagnosis. Once...he makes a diagnosis, then he can write a prescription. He can't write a prescription until he finds out: what's the problem? Right here, now' he's going to begin to write

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 17 Tape 3A-2

the prescription for our alcoholism. We said that we are powerless, and obviously it's going to be power (that) would be the solution. Since we can't...do anything about the body, we can only work in the mind, it says that we believe that that Power will have to work in the mind rather than the body. So now that we see we have a physical allergy and a mental obsession, we believe that the answer is power working in the mind. Therefore, I came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Right on this page, on page seventeen, and it's not by chance this chapter is titled, There is a Solution. Okay, let's write the prescription. C As we read Bill's Story, we most certainly identified with Bill. We most certainly saw Bill recover from his disease. The recovery process he used is still kind of hazy in our mind up to this point. We aren't really sure what took place there. But Chapter Two i. going to show us exactly what happened to Bill. It's going to bring that about by saying to us: there is a solution. It's going to describe not only what happened to Bill, but what happened to many other people also. It said: (p. 17, par. 1) 'WE, OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.' In the beginning, the people who had recovered were Bill and Ebby. They were the fellowship of that day, at the very beginning, two people. But now we're going to talk about thousands of people. The same thing took place in their lives. It's going to show us exactly what took place. Joe. J (p. 17, par. 2) 'We are average Americana. All sections of this country and many of it's occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. ' It's talking about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous as it exists today, or at the time that this book was written. The fellowship is made up of people of many different sections of the country. It's made up of different occupations. It's made up of different--we have different political backgrounds. We have different economic backgrounds. We have different social backgrounds. We have different religious backgrounds. Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the most mixed up group of people in the world. You can see people with all kind of social backgrounds from the highest to the lowest, all kind of occupations, all kind of religions. In fact, you know it's amazing to me--and I see so many large groups of Alcoholics Anonymous--it just amazes me what we really are. We are so mixed up. If we didn't talk about "Alcoholics Anonymous" this weekend, or took the Big Book out of our midst, we couldn't carry on a decent conversation. I mean, what would we talk about. We couldn't. We are so different. Usually people that come together--like they have the same religion, or they have the sane political background, same social background--they have something in common. We have none of those things in common. We are normally people who would not mix. You

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 17 Tape 3A-3

see, we should have never know each other. (laughter) That's right. We should have never come together. (p. 17. par. 2) 'But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.' Now, we're very, very close, although we should never known each other. And he goes on to, and Bill had the--to really understand the Big Book--this book was written like a lot of great books. It speaks to a lot of different kinds of people. He had the sheer ability, though God's guidance, to paint pictures. He used parables to teach. He uses this parable of the fellowship like, he said, we're like passengers on a great liner. In this time in 1939 (that was) the way to travel to Europe. This was a very appropriate illustration, because the way to travel to Europe was on the great ocean liners. On the great ocean liners, he says: (p. 17, par. 2) 'We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain's table.' On these great ocean liners there were all types of people on there, but thee. people were separated. The steerage, this was the cheapest way to go. The steerage section was way down in the bottom. You were a peon if you were in the steerage section. You just barely had fare to get over. The accommodations weren't very good. You stayed down in there. Once a day they said they would take the people from the steerage section and allow them to go up on the fan tail to get some air. The water would spray over on them, but then they had to go back down there. As you came from deck to deck, as you changed, your economic situation got better, and your social background got better, your religious background got better, you could go higher and higher and higher on the vessel. When you got on the uppermost decks, where they had suites and all the finery, those people ate in a special dinning room. And if you were a very special person in that special dinning room, you could sit at the Captain's table. In fact, the closer you got to the Captain's right hand, that's where--that was prestige on down the table. When you got at the Captain's table, you had the right social background, you had the right money--economic background, and you had to have the right religion. You had to have everything. It was a long way from the Captain's table to the steerage section. In fact, these two men should have never met on their journey. Just like we should have never met on the journey of life. We have nothing in common, none of the ordinary things. But during that night--and I talk about the Titanic all the time-when they hit that iceberg, when they went overboard, when they hit that water, these two people had something in common. They had a common problem. (laughter) C They had cold, wet rear ends. That's what they had. J That's the beauty of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although we should have never met, we come from so various backgrounds. We were thrown together. The only thing that we have

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 17 Tape 3A-4

in common, the only thing that we have in common, is that we suffer from the disease of alcoholism. That's about the only thing. That's the only thing we have in common. This is what binds us. You know, this is what binds us together. Suffering and problems are great bonds. (p. 17, par. 2) 'Unlike the feelings of the ship's passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways.' I'm sure that night once the ships passengers were rescued and they got back to land, the guy from the steerage section probably said, this guy is too big for me. I don't need to be fooling around with him. And I'* sure the guy from the Captain's table said, I shouldn't, be associating with this guy. They went back to their (old lives), because their disaster was over. But we will always be alcoholics. (p. 17. par. 2) '... our joy does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us.' The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is a powerful thing. Remember we said in the First Step that we were powerless. So one of the solutions to alcoholism is the power that lies within the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is a support group. It's very therapeutic for a new alcoholic to come in amongst a whole bunch of people who have recovered from the same thing he's got, active in his life. It's seeing it. There i. a lot of power in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, just in the fellowship itself. But he says that that is not enough. That is just one element in the cement that binds us. Remember, in 1939, they couldn't foresee it. This book was actually written before the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, because they didn't have but one hundred. They were very fortunate in a way. They couldn't go to ninety meetings in ninety days. They didn't have that many. (laughter) You know, you can really get hooked on the fellow-hip, just go to meeting, go to meetings, go to meetings, go to meetings, go to meetings. But the book says that meetings, fellowship is not enough. It's sort of like, you know, Charlie and I say it's just like going to P.T.A. meetings for ninety days. It will not make you a parent. (laughter) C There is a process you have to go through. (laughter) There are some steps you'll have to take. (laughter) Many of you may balk at some of them. (laughter) J Nor will going to A. A. meetings make you a sober member of Alcoholic" Anonymous. He says, that is not enough. He says: (p. 17, par. 2-3) 'But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined. 'The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution.' We have discovered the common solution. Not only do we have the same problem, but what binds us together here today, is that we have the same common solution. Later on in our book, in a few

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 17 Tape 3A-5

pages, it's going to tell us that the common solution is a vital spiritual experience, (p. 27, par. 5) which makes the personality changes sufficient to recover. (Appendix II p. 569, par. 1, in the third edition) Right on this page he has told us about the Power. He said that we were powerless already in the first chapter and The Doctor's Opinion. On this page he tells us--we believe he's writing out the prescription. To overcome this powerlessness, we believe the power of the fellowship and the Power of the spiritual experience will overcome one person's powerlessness over alcohol. These are the two elements. The fellowship, yes, we have to have the fellowship, but the real Power is in the spiritual experience, which is the common solution to alcoholism. C This is the first great waning in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." When he makes the statement that: (p. 17, par. 2-3) 'The feeling of having shared in a common peril i. one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined . 'The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.' Warning us that even though the fellowship is a powerful thing, that that by itself is not enough. We will also need the Power which comes from the solution--common solution. I think one of the greatest tragedies in the world today, is we've got literally millions of people coming to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and who are doing nothing but enjoying the fellowship. They're doing nothing about the common solution. Remember, Dr. Silkworth told us we would need to change. He said we would need a psychic change. (p. xxvii, par. 1-2) The fellowship will not bring that about. The psychic change is brought about through the common solution. There's where we change our mental attitudes and outlook upon life. (p. 84, par. 1) There's where we learn to live and be sober and peaceful and happy and serene at the same time. I see people coming to A.A. and doing nothing but the fellowship, and they don't change. They stay afraid. They stay angry. They stay irritated. They stay restless and discontented. The same old shame, fear, guilt, and remorse keeps eating them up, and after a while they disappear. Any you say, where did John go. Well, haven't you hoard, John's back out there drinking again. Or John got killed in a car wreck last Saturday night. Or John shot himself last week. I think again, this is the responsibility of us older members to make this clear to every newcomer that walks in the door of a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that there's two parts to the solution. One is this tremendous fellowship, and it is great. I don't think we could survive without it. But the other is the common solution, the vital spiritual experience (p. 27,

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par. 5) which will be brought about by the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. (p. 25, par. 2) Joe and I didn't really realize this, how important this page was until the day we did the first Big Book study in Lawton, Oklahoma. Just prior to, Lawton Oklahoma I had some trouble with my ticker. We weren't sure if we were going to get to go. I remember Joe called me, and he said, Charlie, what do you think, are we going to go Lawton. And I said, Joe, we got to go. You know, we've committed ourselves, and we need to go. HQ said, well, why don't I bring my car, and I'll drive to your house. Then you can ride, and I'll do all the driving, and you can rest. And I said, great, that'll be fine. Now, Joe drives from Little Rock, Arkansas to where I live in Maysville, Arkansas, two hundred and twenty-five miles. We get in Joe's car and we start toward Tulsa, Oklahoma. You can tell by looking at us that we're people that normally would not mix. (laughter) After all, he's bald-headed, and I'm not. (laughter) On the way to Tulsa, Oklahoma, we we're going to pick up another guy, the first fellow that I asked to sit in on us. He was going to meet us in the parking lot of the C Hotel, Tulsa, Oklahoma. His name is Tony, last name is V. We picked Tony up. We get--all three--get in the car, and we're heading down the Turner Turnpike to Oklahoma City. Now, here's the black guy doing the driving. The Mexican, he's sitting over here riding shotgun. And the honky lying in the back seat, sound asleep. (laughter) We got to Lawton, Oklahoma. We're doing the Big Book study, and we did ALA. this page. Just as Joe finished up, with what he just finished up, I looked on the front row. The whole front row was filled with Indians from the Anadarko Indian Reservation. That day we really realized what Bill's saying to us. We are people who normally would not mix with each other at all. We are so varied in our backgrounds. The thing that binds us together, and the thing we have in common, and we must never forget this, is our fellowship that comes from the disease of alcoholism, our escape from the common disaster. It's so strong and so important. We love it so much, and we tend to forget that that's only part of the powerful cement. That's only one element. The other element -lies in the common solution. About a year ago, Barbara and I, my wife, fortunately were invited to go on a cruise. We we're allowed to be speakers on that cruise. That Saturday we spoke, then that night we were invited to the Captain's table. We were setting there at the Captain's table eating dinner. All of a sudden I just busted out laughing. Everybody looked at me and said, what's the matter with you. I said, by God I finally made it from the steerage to the Captain's table. (laughter) It was quite an experience for me. The Captain explained the ship, and he said, is there anything you want to see. I said, yeah, I want to go down to the steerage section. The next day he got a member of the crew to take me down and look at the steerage section. Now, that was so important in my life. This thing that we have escaped from that common peril. The rest of this chapter is going to be devoted to these two

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things as being the solution. The first half of this chapter is going to talk about we people who make up this fellowship. It's going to talk about the alcoholic. It's going to explain to us why the fellowship alone is not enough. The last half of the chapter then will explain to us what the actual solution is. The book never leaves us hanging anywhere. It never makes a statement that it does not further explain. He's going to show us in the first half of this chapter why we must have the solution which is in the last half of this chapter. I think we ought to take a ten minute break, and then we'll jump right on in with the solution. Looking at this first page of Chapter Two. We've been able to see the diagnosis for alcoholism in the Doctor's Opinion. Now, here on page (seventeen) we see the solution. We see that it is not only within the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, but also within the common solution. Let's go over to page twenty. On page twenty it says: (p. 20, par. 2-3) 'You may already have asked yourself why it is that all of us became so very ill from drinking. Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body. If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking--"What do I have to do?" 'It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically. We shall tell you what we have done.' Again we see a word which really doesn't deal in generalities. We saw the word "precisely" in the Forward (p. xiii, par. 1) And now we see the word "-pacifically" coming into being. It says: (p. 20, par. 4-5) 'How many times people have -said to us: "I can take it or leave it alone. Why can't he?" "Why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit?" "That fellow can't handle his liquor." "Why don't you try beer and wine?" "Lay off the hard stuff . " "His will power must be weak." "He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again." 'Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours.' It begins to explain the three...types of drinkers. It said: (p. 20, par. 6) 'Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for lt. They can take it or leave it alone.' This is the one we talked about last night, the moderate or social drinker. It's not a big deal for them. They have one, two, or three drinks. They get a slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling, and they just stop drinking. They can take it or leave it alone. They really don't much care one way or the other. (p. 20, par. 7; p. 21, par. 1) 'Then we have a certain type

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 21-22 Tape 3A-8

of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair (top of p. 21) him physically and mentally. It may cease him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason--ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor--becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.' We see this person all the time. We call him the hard or heavy drinker. This is the guy that said, when I was in the service I was an alcoholic also, but then when I got out of the service I got married, and I just quit drinking and I don't see why you can't either. They drink exactly like us. But if a sufficiently strong reason present itself to them, they will either stop drinking entirely, or they will learn to moderate their drinking. These people are not alcoholics. Now then it says: (p. 21, par. 2) 'But what about the real alcoholic?' If you're a drinker, you're going to fit into one these three categories. Now what about the real alcoholic. We just love that term there, real alcoholic. (p. 21, par. 2) 'He may start off as a moderate drinker...' And many of us did. (p. 21, per. 2) ' ...he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker...' Some of us were binge drinkers, we didn't drink every day. (p. 21, par. 2-3) '...but at some stage of this drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.' 'Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you...' Remember now, we're describing the people who make up this fellowship. (p. 21, par. 3-4: p. 22, par. 1) '...especially in his lack of control. HQ does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision most be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around. Yet early next (top of p. 22) morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away

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from him to throw down the wastepipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work.' Remember, this was written in 1938 and 1939. (p. 22, par. 1) 'Then cc mea the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes. to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and...' Treatment centers. They used to call them sanitariums, today they call them treatment centers, same deal. (laughter) They're a place they send people like us to try to do something for us Most of this description was written in the male gender, because back in the '30's, the only people that they were dealing with, of course, basically were all men. It wasn't until just before the Big Book was written, that the first woman came along. But if a lady should read this simply transferring her for he, then surly most women could find themselves within that description also. I think all of us who are alcoholic, whether we are eighteen, or sixteen, or twelve, or sixty-two, surly we can find ourselves somewhere within this description. I doubt if any of us could match everything there, but all of us can match some of that description of the alcoholic, a very comprehensive picture of the alcoholic. It says: (p. 22, par. 2-4: p. 23, par. 1-2) 'This is by no means comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly. 'Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all it's attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters? 'Perhaps there never will be a full answer to these questions. Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle. 'We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to (top of p. 23) stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this. 'These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.' A. we talked last night, if I don't ever take the first drink, I cannot trigger the allergy. If I don't trigger the allergy, then the craving will never be produced, and I won't end up drunk, and sick, and in all kinds of trouble. Now, it seems as

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 23-24 Tape 3A-10

though...I cannot keep from taking the first drink. There is something within my mind that seems to tell me it's okay to drink when it's obvious that it isn't. So the real problem is not the fact that I'm allergic to alcohol. The real problem is the fact that my send keeps telling me: it's alright to drink alcohol. So the real problem centers in the mind, rather than in the body. (p. 23, par. 2-3) 'If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of the. really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the hoed with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk. 'Once in a while he may tell the truth.' Strange as it may seem, we--once in a great while--we do tell the truth. (laughter) I was talking to a lady the other day in Al-Anon. Her husband is still drinking. She said, Charlie, all he does is lie, lie, lie. How can you tell when one of you guys are lying. I said, honey, you watch hi. closely. When you see his lips moving then he's probably lying to you. (laughter) That's about boo, (but) sometimes we do toll the truth. (p. 23, par. 3) 'And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that fires drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.' Remember, an obsession of the mind is an idea that is so strong it overcomes all other ideas, and it makes you believe a lie, something that's not true. The great obsession of every alcoholic is someday, somehow, we're going to beat the game. We try every way in the world to beat it. We just know that we can. But the truth is we can't. The truth is we can't. The obsession of the mind is what takes us back to drinking. Page twenty-four. Squiggly writing. (p. 24, par. 2) 'The fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. ' Joe made the statement last night that in order for will power to work, the mind has got to see something wrong with what it's wanting to do. But if the mind doesn't see anything wrong with what it's wanting to do, then will power is nonexistent. At certain times, our mind cannot remember with sufficient force the suffering and the pain and the humiliation of the last drunk. It always say this time it's going to be different. This time we're

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not going to get drunk and got in Jail. This time we're not going to get drunk and get in a car wreck. We're going to have two drinks and enjoy ourselves like other people. We really believe that we can do that. (p. 24, par. 2-3) 'We are without defense against the first drink.' 'The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.' When I was growing up, (like) most kids, back during the depression, we were all relatively poor people. In my family we've never really changed that tradition. (laughter) Certainly we were that way when we were growing up. I remember, we always heated with either wood or coal. On Saturday night every kid had to take a bath whether you liked it or not. You had to have one whether you needed it or not. Mother would always put an old zinc washtub behind the heating stove in the living room. She heated the water on the kitchen stove, then she would bring it in and put it in the washtub. The oldest kid would take a bath first, and then the next, and the next, and the next. By the time you got to the littlest one, that old water was getting kind of cruddy, you know. But you still had to take a bath. I'll never forget. One night in the middle of the winter, I we. behind that heating stove, in that tub taking a bath. I leaned over and when I did I stuck my rear against that stove. Now, that thing raised a blister on my rear end about the size of my hand, and it hurt like hell. You know, I've never had an obsession of the mind to stick my ass on a hot stove since. (laughter) Never have I had that. But alcohol has burned me repeatedly, over and over and over end over, and hurt me just as bad. Yet, the obsession of the mind says, Charlie, it won't burn you this time. Always the obsession of the mind says, it's going to be okay. The kind of defense that keeps us from normal dangerous situations, painful, hurtful situations, that defer-e isn't there when it comes to alcohol. There's something missing in our heads. There's a switch that doesn't turn right, or something is gone up here that most people have in their head. We seem to not have that. (p. 24, par. 4-5) 'The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink." Or "What's the use anyhow?" 'When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid...'

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 24-25 Tape 3A-12

Now, If we've placed ourselves beyond human aid, then the fellow-hip of Alcoholics Anonymous will not bring about recovery from our disease. Because the fellowship is made up of a bunch of human beings. (p. 24, par. 5: p. 25, par. 1) '...and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane. These stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics (top of p. 25) throughout history. But for the grace of God, there would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop but cannot.' And then it says: (p. 25, par. 2) 'There is a solution.' This thing that it's just described to us is a hopeless condition of the mind and of the body. This thing it's just described to us tells us we're either going to die or go permanently insane. But it say-, there is a solution to what they just described. Now then, We're going to start looking at the common solution. We've been looking at the people in the fellowship. Now we can see why we're going to have to have this common solution. Because we've placed ourselves beyond human aid. Let's look at the solution and see what it is. J (p. 25, par. 2-3) 'There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the levering of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for it's successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness- and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. 'The great fact is just this, and nothing less: the we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences (Fully explained-Appendix II)...'

It finally gets down to what the common solution of alcoholic. is: a deep and effective spiritual experience. Now, what does this do? (p. 25, par. 3) '...which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.' He says that this spiritual experience--and we notice it produces an attitude--revolutionizes our whole attitude toward our fellows and toward God's universe. This seems like what Dr. Silkworth was looking for when he said unless we can have a psychic change (there is very little hope of his recovery.) (p. xxvii, par. 1) We say that this spiritual experience will produce that psychic change. These are things of the mind, attitudes, not

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of the body. These are change. within the mind. There is another asterisk there which is very, very important. If we would not notice that asterisk in the book--you know, spiritual experience is a very lofty term, and it threw off a lot of early readers of the Big Book. So we'll put an asterisk in there, and it says: (p. 25 at the bottom) '*Fully explained--Appendix II.' When they published the first printing of the first Big Book, it did not have an asterisk in there. The reader, by reading this book, when it says spiritual experience, he had to use his own concept of what a spiritual experience was. It threw a lot of the readers off, because from our religious background, and from our education, and growing up, we all have all kinds of different concepts of spiritual experience. So they put an Appendix in the book, in the back of our book on page 569, to explain to us: what are they talking about, when they say spiritual experience? It would be very difficult to continue on if we had the wrong conception of the term, spiritual experience. An appendix-when we see an appendix--means something that has been added to the book since it was published to make it more complete. This appendix was added--and if you would continue from here with the wrong idea of spiritual experience the whole book would totally collapse. C Remember, a textbook is used to transfer information from the mind of one person through the written word to the mind of another. If our understanding of the words are different, then the information we receive will be the wrong information. I think most of us had a conception of a spiritual experience before we ever came to A.A. I know I did. I was raised in a good old Southern Baptist church. I don't knock my Southern Baptist church. I loved it then. I love it today. But it seems as though in my Southern Baptist church as I was raised up, about the only thing I ever really heard about God was hellfire and damnation. That you go to hell for lying, and cheating, stealing, and drinking whiskey, and committing adultery. By the time I got to A.A., I'd been doing that for about twenty-sex years. (laughter) And I knew God wasn't going to have anything to do with me. I knew he'd already told Saint Peter, when that little four-eyed sucker gets up here, send him downstairs. Also in the Baptist church I had seen a spiritual experience, or what I thought was one. In our Southern Baptist church, we have revival meetings. Normally we go to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. But during revival week, you go every night of the week. The whole purpose of the revival meeting is to bring as many souls to Christ as you possibly can, through saving them through the church. During the revival meeting, you don't trust your own preacher. You go out and you get the beat one you can find anywhere in the county. I'll never forget, during this one particular revival meeting night, they'd brought in a preacher from another part of the county, and he was good. He was so good you could actually feel the heat and smell the smoke as he was doing his preaching.

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 569 Tape 3A-14

(laughter) At the end of the sermon, you then had what are called, alter calls. Anybody that wishes to be saved, they come to the kneeling bench in front. They kneel. They pray, and everybody prays, and hopefully they're saved. I'll never forget this particular night. After the preacher was through, my aunt Molly, who was a long tall slender lady-fine, fine lady, bless her soul, she's gone now--but she decided that night that she wanted to be saved. She came to the kneeling bench, and she kneeled. She was praying. The preacher was standing there with his hand on her head, he was praying. Everybody else was praying. All of a sudden, Aunt Molly just fell over sideways on the floor. She began to kick. She began to jerk and tremble all over. Suddenly she began to speak in a language that I'd never heard before. It sounded just like gibberish to me. The next thing I knew she jumped up. She began running back and fourth through that church house jumping over the pews, shirttail never touching the back of the pew. Here I am eight, nine, ten, eleven years old; just sacred the living hell out of me. I turned to my Dad, and I said, what's wrong with Aunt Molly? He said, well son, I believe she's having a spiritual experience. (laughter) When I read on page twenty-five in the Big Book that I'm going to have to have one of the. things, I said there ain't no way. (laughter) Thank God they recognized this. That people would not have the same understanding of those words that they had. So when the second printing of the Big Book came out, they put the appendix in the back, and explained to us what they mean by spiritual experience. Without that appendix, I don't believe I could have gone any further than page twenty-five. If we got to have one, maybe we ought to go back there and see what one of them is. Let's go on page 569, and take a look at what they mean by spiritual experience. J Okay, he says, the terms--there's a plural there, two terms-we're going to be looking at, "spiritual experience" and "spiritual awakening." So right away we see there are two ways that we can do this. (p. 569, par. 1) 'The terms "spiritual experience" and "spiritual awakening" are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.' I love where he says careful reading. We drunks don't do a lot of careful reading. But if we read this carefully, we can see that it says that this spiritual experience brings about the personality changes good enough, sufficient, to recover from alcoholism. This is what it does. (p. 569, par. 2) 'Yet it is true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experiences, must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheaval-. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous.' (End of Side A of Tape 3)

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 569 Tape 3B-1

(Begin Side B of Tape 3)

(Appendix II, p. 569, par. 2) 'In the first few chapters a number of sudden revolutionary changes are described. Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming "Godconsciousness followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.' The fires readers that read the book, and many people yet today who don't read Appendix II, get the impression from the book, because of Bill's sudden change in Bill's life. There are a number of sudden spiritual experience mentioned in the book. The reader who reads this without reading the appendix, he comes up with the idea that the only way I'm going to recover is have the same sudden thing that Bill had. He said, they're trying to diaper this. This is not true. It says: (p. 569, par. 4) 'Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule.' People, still yet today, have sudden spiritual experience. in A.A. But this is very rare. And this is by no means the rule. (p. 569, par. 4) 'Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James call. the "educational variety"...' Most people in A.A. today have a spiritual experience of the educational variety. In the educational variety we can see that you will change as you learn, educational. As you learn and apply there will be a gradual change. In the educational variety of spiritual experience, it says: (p. 569, par. 4) '...they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself .' Bill said in his early days in his talk with Dr. Tiebout that about ten percent of the first one hundred people had sudden spiritual experiences. The rest of them had a gradual change. It took place over a period of time. I think even yet today--and I work with alcoholics every day, have been for the last fifteen years. I work with about three hundred people a year, and I know about five people that have had sudden spiritual experiences. It is something to see. But it's very, very rare. I've seen many, many people recover, through the educational variety. They start and by working the program, they gradually--you can see personality changes that even they can't see. I can see them doing better, but they don't think they're doing better. As they work the program, they change gradually over a period of time. When he finally realizes...the person who is going through the educational variety: (p. 569, par. 4) 'He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone.' In the educational variety, we've worked the program, we've worked the steps, and we do what we're told. Finally we realize

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 569-570 Tape 3B-2

that something has happened in our life. That is a spiritual awakening. The sudden kind is a spiritual experience. In the educational variety, we become aware of change--is a spiritual awakening. Both are just as effective. Both will occur-either one will occur as the results of the Steps. And both will produce personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. (p. 569, par. 4) 'With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped...' In the spiritual awakening: (p. 569, par. 4 p. 570, par. 1-2) 'they have tapped an unsuspected (top of p. 570) inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves . 'Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience.' When we have awareness that we have changed, it's the same thing that happens in a spiritual experience. (p. 570, par. 2-4) 'Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." 'Most emphatically we whish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. 'We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery But these are indispensable.' It doesn't make any difference, whether it's a spiritual experience, or a spiritual awakening that will take (place) slowly over a period of months. One is sudden, one is along, they both produce the same thing, a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. And either--every time anybody has ever worked the steps, the Twelve Steps, he is guaranteed--this is what the Twelve Steps guarantee, the only thing the Twelve Steps produce is a spiritual awakening or a spiritual experience. Either on. will (be produced) ass a result of these Steps. C They added this other statement some time latter. Which said: (p. 570, par. 5) '"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation. "' You see, not understanding what they meant by spiritual experience, I held this term in absolute contempt, based upon what I had seen happen years ago when I was a small child. When we hold it in contempt, then nothing's going to take place. But now that they've explained to me their meaning of the word spiritual experience, then I have an entirely different attitude toward it. This isn't such a bad deal at all. A spiritual experience is nothing more than a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. I can buy into those

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 25 Tape 3B-3

terms. That doesn't turn me off like this other stuff did. At the same time, I found two or three more things in here. One is that I will become aware of the fact when I've had one, when I become aware that I've tapped an unsuspected inner resource of strength that I presently identify with God as I understand Him. Everybody who has had this spiritual experience most emphatically will say, we certainly become aware of the fact p that there is a Power greater than ourselves working within our lives. God as we understand dim, or whatever we want to call it. I think you need to notice also on page 569, different terms that he uses in the description of this spiritual experience.

In the first paragraph he talked about a personality change. In the third paragraph he talks about revolutionary changes. In the third paragraph, at the end of it, he talks about a vast change in feeling and outlook. In the middle of the fourth paragraph he talks about a profound alteration. And back over here on page twenty-five he talked about: which have revolutionized our whole attitude. (p. 25, par. 3) He's used a whole series of words to describe the same thing, a change. Each one of those means a change of some kind. I think this is another thing we need to realize about Bill when he wrote. He absolutely refused to use the same words over and over. He always said that this would show the ignorance of the writer. If you're going to describe the same thing, you must find another ten to describe it.

Here's a perfect example of this. He didn't say change, he didn't use the word change over and over. He kept using different words to describe it. But all of them result in a change in mental attitude, a personality change sufficient to recover. Dr. Silkworth'" term was psychic change. (p. xxvii, par. 1-2) The Twelve Steps will bring about a change in our outlook upon life. Before when we were sober, we were restless, irritable and discontented. (p. xxvi, par. 5) We were filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remora.. Those are all terms of the mind. Now then, after the spiritual experience, we have peace of mind, happiness, and serenity. We're not filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. Our whole attitude has changed. Just coming to A.A. meetings will not bring about the change. The Twelve Steps, the simple kit of spiritual tools, (p. 25, par. 2) will bring this change about in our lives. On page twenty-five in the last paragraph. It says:

(p. 25, par. 4) 'If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as beat we could' J Step One. C (p. 25) 'and the other, to accept spiritual help.' J Step Two. C The prevailing thought in A.A. today is that you better not

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 26 Tape 3B-4

talk too much about God, or you might run the newcomer off. The Big Book doesn't mind talking about God at all. The Big Book finally gets us down and tell. us that we've only got one of two alternatives: to drink until we die' or to accept spiritual help, one of the two. Those turn out to be Step One and Step Two. An old sponsor helped me out in this area a lot. He said, Charlie, you don't need to worry about running the newcomer off by talking about God. He said, because if you do then whiskey will put him right back in here if he lives long enough. I believe that's absolutely true. I think somewhere we've got to face the fact that human power does not solve the disease of alcoholism, that it comes about through spirituality. We only have but one of two alternatives: to drink until we die, or accept spiritual help, Step One and Step Two. He's going to repeat this over and over and over as we progress through the book. Joe. J As Charlie said, this is the fires time he is actually setting us up for Steps One and Two. He'll do that throughout these earlier chapters. This is the purpose of it to give us Step One and Step Two. He's told us the solution. He's going to tell us the same thing over again, really, in the next few pages, to reinforce his point. He's going to use a story about Rowland H. who went to see Dr. Carl Jung. This is where the origin of Step Two came from. He tells us.

This story give. us a lot. It tells us where this thing came from, and where it begins. That's the way you tell a drunk. He just told you what the solution was, a spiritual experience. This story is going to tell you the same thing. It will--he'll reinforce it with another--he's making a different approach to say the same thing. That's the way you talk to a drunk. You tell a drunk what you're going to tell him first. (laughter) Then you tell him what you want to tell him. Then you tell him what you told him, and he gets it. (laughter) He's saying the same thing two or three different ways. So he tells the story of:

(p. 26, par. 2) 'A certain American business man had ability, good sense, and high character.'

This was Rowland Hazzard.

(p. 26, par. 2) 'For yea s he had floundered from one sanitarium to another.'

Rowland came from a prominent family in Vermont, too. Then:

(p. 26, par. 2) 'He had consulted the best known American psychiatrists. Then he had gone to Europe, placing himself in the care of a celebrated physician <the psychiatrist, Dr. Jung)...'

This guy was alcoholic. His family had money, and on top of that they had a great family too. My family didn't send me to Europe. (laughter) Okay. C Sent you to Cincinnati. J That's right. Then he had gone to Europe. Okay, Dr. Carl Jung, remember at that time was one of the greatest psychiatrist of his time. He was--this was a brilliant man, one of the beat in the world.

(p. 26, par. 2) ' ... who prescribed for him. Though experience had made him skeptical, he finished his treatment with

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 26-27 Tape 3B-5

unusual confidence. His physical and mental condition were unusually good. Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and it's hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable.'

Now, he didn't go over there for a twenty-eight day treatment program. Rowland stayed in Dr. Carl Jung's treatment, with Dr. Carl Jung for one year.

(p. 26, par. 2-5; p. 27, par. 1-5) 'Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall.

'So he returned to this doctor, whom he admired, and asked him point-blank why he could not recover. He wished above all things to regain self-control. He seemed quite rational and well-balanced with respect to other problems. Yet he had no control whatever over alcohol. Why was this?

'He begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth, and he got it. In the doctor's judgment he was utterly hopeless; he could never regain his position in society and he would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. That was a great physician's opinion.

'But this man still lives, and is a free man. He does not need a bodyguard nor is he confined. He can go anywhere on this earth where other free men may go (top of p. 27) without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude.

'Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help. Let us tell you the rest of the conversation our friend had with his doctor.

'The doctor said: "You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover, where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you." Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang.

'He said to the doctor, "Is there no exception?'.

'"Yea," replied the doctor, "there la. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times.'

Remember, Dr. Carl Jung was a psychiatrist which deals with the mind. HQ had at his disposal all the knowledge at that time of the human mind. He told Rowland, he said, within my realm of understanding, of my knowledge, I can't help you. This man is a very humble man to say, I cannot help you, but there is help. Another area of human life is the spiritual life. Psychiatrists know nothing about this. He deals with the mind. Spiritual-theologian. and other people deal in that area. We have specialists on the body, specialists on the mind, and specialists on the spirit.

Dr. Carl Jung we. able to admit that within the mind, I don't have the skills to help you, but there is help over in the spiritual realm. In fact he says alcoholics' (recoveries) have been occurring since early t: mea. You know, alcoholics have been getting sober, probably, in spiritual programs in a church or something, every once in a while, since the beginning of time. But Dr. Carl Jung saw this, and he took it from those people and

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 27 Tape 38-6

gave it to Rowland. He said, I can't help you.

(p. 27, par. 5) 'Here and there p once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me thee. occurrences are phenomena. The appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. In fact, I have been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangement within you. With many individuals the methods which I employed are successful, but I have never been successful with an alcoholic of your description."*'

It seems like, if we read there: rearrangements of ideas, emotions, and attitudes, all these things are changed. Dr. Carl Jung discovered how to produce the psychic change that Dr. Silkworth was looking for back at the Towns Hospital. Dr. (Jung) said the spiritual experience will produce these psychic changes. We can look and see how the miracle of "Alcoholics Anonymous"--I was talking to somebody earlier--la how all this came about. Dr. Silkworth was back in the Towns Hospital (in New York City). The only thing God gave Dr. Silkworth was the knowledge of: what is the problem? That was all that he knew. He knew that the change was a psychic change, but Dr. Silkworth did not know how to produce the psychic change.

Rowland goes to see Dr. Carl Jung (in Switzerland). Dr. Carl Jung gave Rowland the solution, the spiritual experience which will produce the psychic change. Rowland leaves Dr. Carl Jung and he comes back. Remember the Oxford Group was very prominent in that day all over the world. So Rowland came back, I don't know, probably Dr. Carl Jung suggested it, the Oxford Groups movement, maybe. Rowland came back to the Oxford Groups, and by using their recovery program he produced a psychic change, and he recovered. Then he brought this to Ebby, and Ebby brought this to Bill.

All these things were acted together in Bill's mind. See, Dr. Silkworth knew the problem. Dr. Silkworth didn't know the solution. Dr. Carl Jung knew the solution, but he didn't know the problem. The Oxford Groups had the recovery program. They had the planned program of action which became-our ten recovery Steps later on. They had the recovery program, and they didn't know the problem or the solution. (laughter)

The miracle of it was that all these things--Bill said, I was an instrument. Bill didn't create any of these. Bill didn't-none of these concepts originated in Bill Wilson. Bill said he-Bill's send was a vessel that gathered these three things. The problem from Dr. Silkworth, the solution from Dr. Carl Jung, and the recovery planned program of action from the Oxford Groups and mated them together in his mind to produce the Twelve Steps of recovery in the program of "Alcoholics Anonymous." This is the miracle of "Alcoholics Anonymous," that these things came from all over the world into one man's mind to be put into this book. C Surly there was a power greater than ourselves that had something to do with how this information was finally gathered

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 27-28 Tap- 3B-7

and put into Bill's mind itself. On page twenty-eight, bottom of the page. J Remember at the bottom of the page we see an asterisk on page twenty-seven. At the bottom of the page it says, 'For amplification--see Appendix II.' again it's asking you to be sure you read that. C On page twenty-eight, bottom of the page it says:

(p. 28, par. 5: p. 29, par. 1-2) 'In the following chapter, there appears an explanation of alcoholism, as we understand it, then a chapter addressed to the agnostic. Many who once were in this class are now among our members. Surprisingly (top of p. 29) enough, we find such convictions no great obstacle to a spiritual experience.

'Further on, clear-cut direction. are given showing how we recovered.'

Again we see words which do not deal with generalities. We've looked at "specific." We've looked at "precise," and now we look at a reference to "clear-cut directions." Bill, remember, was an alcoholic just like we are. I'm almost sure at the end of this chapter, Bill probably sat back and thought about what he had written up to this point. He thought about The Doctor's Opinion. He thought about his own story. Through those two he could say to himself, in Chapter Two I've shown them what the problem really is. Then he could say to himself , I've shown them the solution to the problem, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the vital spiritual experience. But then he could also say to himself that they're not going to like this thing any more than I do, that they're not going to like the idea of the vital spiritual experience, that many of them are going to have an aversion to it just exactly like I did. So then he says to himself, well, maybe I better explain to them a little bit more about what the problem really is. And when he made that statement:

(p. 28, par. 5) 'In the following chapter, there appears an explanation of alcoholism, a. we understand it...'

He's referring to Chapter Three, More About Alcoholism. In Chapter Three he's going to talk about, again, just exactly why we're going to have to have this vital spiritual experience. Because in Chapter Three, he's going to talk about the insanity of alcoholism. Ho'* going to show us why, if we don't have the vital spiritual experience, our mind will always go back to the desire to drink.

Now, many people in A.A. say, well, I don't have any trouble with insanity, because I remember all the crazy, stupid things I did when I was drinking. Really, all those things we did wen we were drunk, really doesn't have anything to do with insanity, or sanity either one. Those things we do while drinking are caused by a sedative drug called alcohol. The sedative drug enters the brain, and it lowers the inhibitions. If your brain has been filled with a sedative drug that lowers the inhibitions, you better look out. You're going to do some pretty crazy, stupid things. But that's primarily caused by the drug alcohol.

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # Tape 3B-8

Sanity and insanity is defined is the ability to see the truth. It's defined as wholeness of mind. The whole mind can always see the truth about a subject. A mind that is not whole, from time to time, cannot see the truth about the subject. And there's different degrees of insanity.

It's kind of like if we should take...a whole pie and put it out here on the plate in front of us. As long as that pie is there, all of it, it is whole in its entirety. But if we take a piece away from it, then it's only ninety percent there. If we take another piece away from it, then it's only eighty percent there. We take another piece away from it, then it's only seventy percent there. So there's different degrees of wholeness of the pie. Now, insanity doesn't mean that you're all gone. It simply means you're not quite all there. (laughter) A pie that is thirty percent gone 1. most certainly not all gone. It's just not all there.

Insanity means the same thing in the human mind. Most people are insane about something. Most people cannot see the truth about something in their live ~. If we could see the truth about everything, then we would be absolutely, completely whole human beings. But most people have certain areas of their life that they can't see the truth.

We find that most alcoholics in most of their life and most of their dealings can see the truth about most subjects. Most of us can work. Most of us can make a living. Most of us can do the things necessary to do. But when it comes to alcohol, we seem to be strangely insane. (p. 38, par. 3)

We cannot always see the truth about alcohol, and we believe a lie about alcohol. Therefore, when it comes to alcohol itself, we are insane. It doesn't mean we're crazy. If you're crazy, you're all gone. You're locked up in a nut house to protect you and society. But if you're insane, it just simply mean- that you can't see the truth about certain matters. The only insanity we're going to deal with in this next chapter, is that dealing with alcoholism itself, with alcohol itself. It'. not going to deal with anything else. Now, later on I found out that I wasn't too swift in a hell of a lot of other areas, too. (laughter)

But in the beginning all I'm concerned with is my ability to see the truth about alcohol. If I can see the truth, I can make sane decisions . If I make sane decisions, I can take sane actions, and everything's okay. But if I can't see the truth, then I make insane decisions I take insane actions which result in pain and suffering and humiliation for me. This whole next chapter will be designed to show us the insanity of alcoholism, which we must be restored from.

See, we've already look-d at Step One. We've already looked at Step Two. But now then we're going to reinforce Step Two, to show us why we absolutely have to have the vital spiritual experience in order to restore US to sanity so that we can see the truth about alcohol. Joe?

Let's have lunch. We start on Chapter Three right after lunch, one o'clock.

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 30 Tape 3B-9

J As we were closing, looking at another illustration in your package. These illustrations are Just to bring out the pictures painted in the Big Book. It talks about the solution. This contains the two elements of the solution. Over on the left hand side we'll notice the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous illustrated by the circles. In which the old member who has recovered from alcoholism can support the new member. It is through the old member, the new member looking at the old member, he gets hope. He can share experience strength and hope with the new member, and support the new member. While the new member is in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and while he's being supported by other people, he can come to believe. ~

By looking at them, and if he's willing, he can go over and investigate and pick up a simple kit of spiritual tools. (p. 25, par. 2) These are the recovery Steps. While he's in the fellowship, if he applies these Steps to his life, as a result of these Steps, he has a spiritual experience which revolutionizes his whole attitude toward life, toward his fellows, and toward God's universe. (p. 25, par. 3) Then he has a personality change sufficient to recover from his alcoholism. (p. 569, par. 1)

We can see the two things in the solution is: the fellowship, which supports, and the spiritual experience, which changes as a result of the Steps. Now once the new member has taken these Steps, and he has recovered and has a personality change sufficient to recover, then he can come from that side back over to this side. Once he ha. recovered, then he becomes...an old member. He can support the next new meatier. So we can see it's just a circle that takes place, of the old supporting the new. Once the new becomes the old, then he can support the next new member. This is the solution to alcoholism.

This brings us to Chapter Three, More About Alcoholism. As we said, this particular chapter will be devoted to teach us, to give us a little more insight about: the real problem is in the mind before we take the first drink. As Charlie brought out so plainly, the insanity of alcoholism is not what we do after we drink. The insanity of alcoholism is the state of the mind before we drink. This chapter will deal specifically with what is going on with the alcoholic's mind that leads to the first drink.

(p. 30, par. 1-2) 'Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

'We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.'

Here we're going to again see Bill's use of words, of using

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 30-31 Tape 313-10 many different words to describe the same thing. C On these first two paragraphs on page thirty, we see that Bill has used three words. All of them meaning basically the same thing. He simply would not repeat himself over and over. (Charlie has microphone trouble) J Can't hear you. C Where's my man? Now, can you hear me? NOW we got power. Lack of power that's our dilemma. (laughter) I think we've got it now. Doug, can you hear us? Coming a little louder? NOW F can you hear? This is BO important we sure don't want anybody to miss this. Can you hear back there now? Getting a little feedback? Okay, here we go.

In this first paragraph Bill used the word obsession, when he said the great obsession of every alcoholic--of every abnormal drinker-this obsession is the idea that someday he will control and enjoy his drinking. We talked about the word obsession already. Being an idea that is so strong, that it overcomes all ideas to the contrary. It makes you believe something that isn't true, makes you believe a lie. The obsession of every alcoholic is that someday, somehow p he's going to control and enjoy his drinking. He's going to be able to drink like other people. We've already seen how that's something that's untrue. But we really believe while we're drinking that we're going to be able to do that. So we can see, the obsession means to believe a lie.

Then he said the persistence of this illusion is astonishing. He used another word which basically means the same thing, the word illusion. We all know what an illusionist is. An illusionist is a magician. A magician is as good that he can stand in front of you, and with alight of hand and a few props, they can make you believe something that's not true. They can make you believe a lie. So the word illusion and the word obsession basically means the same thing. In the next paragraph, we see him using the term delusion.

(p. 30, par. 2) 'The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.'

And the word delusion means identically the same thing. It means to believe something that isn't true. You delude yourself into believing something which is incorrect. Remember, insanity is defined...as a mind that's not whole, for insanity. If your mind is sane, if you have sanity, then you have a whole mind. It means that you can see the truth, or not see the truth, based on which one you are. And all three of these terms are used to describe insanity, the believing of a lie. We're going to see him use them interchangeably throughout the book. It doesn't make any difference whether he calls it an obsession, and illusion, or a delusion, they're all three going to mean the same thing.

He's going to start showing us some examples of these delusions, these obsessions, or these illusions, whatever you want to call them. On page thirty-one, he starts out by saying:

(p. 31, par. 2-3) 'Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation p they will try

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 31-32 Tape 3B- 11

to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hate are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

'Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drink-, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and...'

Treatment centers. (Charlie's term for the book's word, sanitariums.) (laughter)

(p. 31, par. 3) '...accepting voluntary commitment to asylums--we could increase the flat ad infinitum.'

I think somewhere during my lifetime I've tried every one of those. Trying to prove that I could drink like other people. Having this great obsession that someday, somehow I'm going to find a way to drink like other people and not get drunk. The book says:

(p. 31, par. 4 p. 32, par. 1-2) 'We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it (top of p. 32) more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

'Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so. Here is one.'

The first example that we're going to see is a fellow who fell victim to a belief, and he believed a lie. The man of thirty. Joe? J This whole chapter is going to be a series of little essays, which is actually going to pinpoint the state of the mind of the individual before the first drink. It's going to bring out--these stories will point to the insanity preceding the first drink. It's trying to show us a little more about the specifics of this (which) is the point at which we're going to have (to have) the help.

(p. 32, par. 3) 'A man of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 32-34 Tape 3B-12

drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever.'

We can see he was alcoholic.

(p. 32, par. 3; p. 33, par. 1) 'He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a successful and happy business career. Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic ha---that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several tripe to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which (top of p. 33) money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.'

When you see that this men fell victim, he believed a Lie. He believed that he could drink. This is the state of the mind preceding the first drink. This is the insanity of alcoholism. The insanity is to believe a lie. I always--we always say, if you believe a lie, the truth will set you free. The truth is you can't drink. But we believe that we can drink.

It's totally impossible for us to drink on the truth. For me to drink on the truth I would have to do something like this. I would have to go down to the liquor store or the nearest bar, walk in there and say, mister, I drank some of this almost twenty-five years ago and it damn near killed me. I ended up in the nut house. I lost my wife, and lost my job. How much would you charge me for another bottle of it. (laughter) That's the truth. The only way I could go in there is to believe a lie. This time it's not going to hurt me. I would have to believe the lie.

So this man believed a lie. He fell victim to that belief. Even though we can see the progression in him. Even though he could stop at one time, this time when he tried to stop he couldn't. Because we can see the progression of his illness at this time, and it killed him. C Over on page thirty-four. Second paragraph.

(p. 34, par. 3: p. 3S, par. 1-2) 'For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it--this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the whish.

'How then shall we help our readers determine, to their own satisfaction, whether they are one of us? The experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 35 Tape 3B- 13

can render an even greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps to the medical (top of p. 35) fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem.

'What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking?'

You know, I reed this. When I read this statement, that the mental state that precedes a relapse into drinking, obviously this is the crux of the problem, I began to look back in my life again. I suddenly realized that always just before I took a drink of booze, I was atone cold sober. Any time I ever took the first drink, just before I took it, I was stone cold sober. So I can't blame alcohol for me taking the first drink. Because there's no alcohol in my brain at that time. There must be something wrong in my head which causes me to take that first drink.

So they're going to describe to me some of the mental states that precede the taking of that first drink. So that I can determine for myself whether I'm alcoholic or not. It's already told me one way to determine whether I am or not. It's to go over across the street have a few drinks and see whether I am or not. Also thee. example will show m- what'* wrong in my mind just prior to taking that first drink.

The first example is a friend we'll call Jim. Joe fovea Jim. Jim seems to be Joe'. main man for some reason. Joe usually gets screwed up with Jim so we'll see what he can do with him today. Joe? J He starts me off in trouble with Jim. This guy--I love this guy. I can identify with him.

(p. 35, par. 3) 'This man has a charming wife and family. He inherited a lucrative automobile agency. He had a commendable World War record. He is a good salesman. Everybody likes him.'

Typical alcoholic.

(p. 35, par. 3) 'He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was thirty-five. In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed. On leaving the...'

Treatment center. (Joe's word for asylum)

(p. 35, par. 3) '...he came into contact with us.'

You know, back in those days they called them asylums. Now they call them treatment centers. They're the same thing. They changed the name of them, but: same old thing.

(p. 35, par. 4) 'We told him what we knew of alcoholism...'

I--John and I talk about that, but I work in one of those things--that's what this thing is all about. Says:

(p. 35, par. 4) 'We told him what we knew of alcoholism...' And that's Step One. They told him what the problem was. (p. 35, par. 4) '...and the answer we had found. ' They must have told him that the answer is a Power greater

Step # 2- 3 Big Book Page # 35 Tape 3B-14

than ourselves. So they most have told him Step Two. (p. 35, par. 4) 'He made a beginning.' (End of Side B or Tape 3)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Carlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 35-36 Tape 4A-1 (Begin Side A of Tape 4)

If we will notice at the end of Step Three in the Big Book, it says Step Throe is a beginning. (p. 63p par. 3) So...Jim took the first three steps.

(p. 35, par. 4) 'His family was re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking. All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.'

The only way you can enlarge on Step Three is Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, and this guy just stopped at Step Three and did no more.

(p. 35, par. 4) 'To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession.'

Jim got drunk sex times real quick.

(p. 35, par. 4) 'On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened.'

These were good A.A. members in those days. Remember. Now days, I don't think you could get somebody to work with you if you got drunk six times. They wouldn't be bothered with you no more. But they went over and worked with him each time he got drunk.

(p. 35, par. 4) 'He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in a serious condition.'

He agreed to Step One.

(p. 35, par. 4 p. 36. par. 1) 'He knew he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he had a deep affection.

(top of p. 36) 'Yet he got drunk again.'

Now, this is seven times. These were good A.A. members, but they were getting kind of tired of Jim. (laughter) You know, after seven times, they say, well, look Jim. Look, we've been over here seven times, now. How are you getting drunk? How is this happening, Jim?

(p. 36, par. 1) 'We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: "I came to work on Tuesday morning.' Charlie and I studied the book many, many years before we saw this. I came to work on Tuesday morning. Where was this guy Monday? (laughter) It did say Tuesday, didn't it? C Where was he all day Monday? J Bad about Mondays. C Now, let's look in Jim's story for sanity and insanity. Remember, sanity is the ability to see the truth. Insanity is when we believe a lie. Let's look and see when this guy became insane. Joe? J (p. 36, par. 1) 'I remelrber I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned.' C I think this is absolutely normal thinking. I think any of us that had to be a salesman for a concern that we once owned would probably be a little bit irritated about that. So I think that's normal, sane thinking. J (p. 36) 'I had a few words with the boss, but nothing

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 36 Tape 4A-2

serious.' C It's normal, sane thinking. The boss probably said, where were you yesterday, Jim? (laughter) Here it is Tuesday morning, you've been gone all day Monday. Nothing really serious, but he had a few words with the boss that morning. J (p. 36, par. 1) 'Then I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car.' C Normal, sane thinking. This guy is a car salesman. If you're a good car salesman, you're on (the) go all the time. You're looking for a prospect everywhere you go. He knows (about) this one out in the country. He going to go see if he can sell him a car. What's more normal than for a car salesman to do that? J (p. 36, par. 1) 'On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar.' C This is normal, sane thinking. There's nothing wrong with being hungry. In that part of the country, in those days especially, you could hardly find a place that did not have a bar. So this is normal, sane thinking. J (p. 36, par. 1) 'I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich.' C Didn't go in the bar to drink. Had no intention of drinking. You're hungry, so what's more normal than to go in there so you can get yourself a sandwich. Normal, sane thinking. J (p. 36, par. 1) 'I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years.' C Been going in there for years. We're not going in there to drink. May even find another customer while we're in there. Normal, sane thinking. J (p. 36, par. 1) 'I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober.' C Not going in there to drink. We're going in there to eat. We've been doing that iota of times since we were sober. Normal sane thinking. J All this guy's intention, his thinking, is to get a sandwich, and maybe see a prospect for a car. He didn't go in there to go back to the asylum. (laughter) Okay: (p. 36, par. 1) 'I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk.' C Normal sane thinking. If you're hungry, what's more normal than to sit down at a table and order a sandwich and a glass of milk. Normal, sane thinking. J (p. 36, par. 1) 'Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.' C Nothing wrong with this. If you're hungry, there's nothing wring with two sandwiches, and two glasses of milk. Normal, sane thinking. Now, look out though, the next statement (laughter) is in squiggly writing. Let's see what it says. J Look how his mind changed.

(p. 36, par. 2) Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach.'

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 36-37 Tape 4A-3

C He became absolutely insane. (laughter) He believed something that isn't true. J He believed a lie. C He believed that he could put a ounce of whiskey in milk and drink it, and he wouldn't get in any trouble, because he would be drinking it on a full stomach. He believed something that isn't true. He went insane. Now, based upon-his insanity, let's see what his decisions and his actions were that followed that. J (p. 36,,) 'I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach.

C Now he's got it inside of him. Now then, he's triggered the allergy, and the phenomenon of craving has developed. Let's see -what happens next. (p. 36, par. 2-3; p. 37, par. 1-2) 'The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."

Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were (top of p. 37) easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk'

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?'

And here we have a real definition, clear definition, for insanity. Insanity is the lack of the proportion, of the ability to think straight. Specifically for us, in the alcoholic we're talking about, the alcoholic has a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight about alcohol. That is our insanity. Not in any other area, but what we're talking about is the proportion, straight thinking about alcohol. C You see, Jim, the fact that he's allergic to alcohol is beside the point. His real problem is that he became insane. His mind told him it would be okay to drink it, if he mixed it with milk. Based upon that belief, based upon that lie, he made a decision. He ordered the whiskey, and he took the action necessary to drink it. That triggered the allergy, and then he got drunk. So, his problem is not the fact that he's allergic. His problem is that just before he drank it he was absolutely insane. He believed a lie. It doesn't make any difference whether we call it an illusion, a delusion, or an obsession. All three of them mean the same thing, to believe something that isn't true.

Down at the bottom of page thirty-seven, a second example. This one I love. This is my main man here.

(p. 37, par. 5) 'Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for Jay-walking.'

Now I don't understand this guy at all. It's beyond my ability to understand how he can get a thrill out of skipping in

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 37-38 Tape 4A-4

front of these fast moving vehicles. (laughter) But he gets out there and he get in front of them. He sees how close they can come to hitting him. Somewhere, somehow, he gets some exciting feeling out of that. Now:

(p. 37, par. 5) 'He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings.'

You know, people see him doing that and they say, hey, Jack, I think you ought to stop doing that. (laughter) Sooner or later you're going to get hurt. He doesn't pay any attention. He goes right ahead, and he gets this thrill and enjoyment out of it.

(p. 37, par. 5 p. 38, par 1) 'Up to this point you would label him as a foolish (top of p. 38) chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession.'

I imagine what's happened, he's getting older. He can't move as fast. (laughter) They begin to hit him once in a while. (laughter) Nothing real serious, Just kind of bouncing off of them.

(p. 38, par. 1) 'You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out.' J He ain't normal. C (p. 38, par. 1) 'Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within ~ week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good'

He sings their national anthem. He said, I ain't never going to Jay-walk again as long as I live.

(p. 38, par. 1-2) '...but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.

'On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of hi. head.'

Not his body, his head.

(p.38, par. 2-~; p. 39, par. 1-2) 'He abuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a men would be crazy, wouldn't he?

'You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language--but isn't it true?

'Some of you are thinking: "Yea, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we (top of p. 39) certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information."

Step # l Big Book Page # 39-40 Tape 4A-5

'That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who. though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were.'

We talked about that fellow, the heavy drinker. (bottom of p. 20, par. 7 to p. 21, par. 1)

(p. 39, par. 2) 'But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers a. it ha. been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us take another illustration. '

Now we're going to look at one more. I think this illustration is designed to show us, that we don't have to go all the way to the bottom in order to be alcoholic. I think also it's designed to show us that we are just as apt to drink when we feel good as we are when we feel bad. Jim didn't feel too good when he got drunk. But Fred, the day he gets drunk, this guy is floating along, and living just right on top of the world, and everything's great. He gets drunk just exactly like old Jim got drunk. Let's look at Fred for a minute. J Now, Fred is in ~ lot of different circumstances than Jim.

(p. 39, par. 3) 'Fred is partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising children of college age. He has so attractive a personality that he makes friends with everyone. If ever shore was a successful business man, it is Fred.'

Remember, Jim had lost his business. Fred is really rolling here. Ho'. doing good.

(p. 39, par. 3) 'To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced individual. Yet, he is alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic...'

He wouldn't take the First Step.

(p. 39, port 3) '...he told himself he come to the hospital to rest hie nerves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic...'

Step One.

(p. 39, par. 3) '...much less accept a spiritual remedy for hi. problem.'

Step Two. He wouldn't take One or Two.

(p. 39, par. 3 p. 40, par. 1) 'We told him what (top of p. 40) we knew about alcoholism.'

Step One.

(p. 40, par. 1-4 p. 41, par. 1) 'He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 40-41 Tape 4A-6

from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it.

'We heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told that he was back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky. He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most instructive, for here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all his other concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless.

'Let him tell you about it: "I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism, and I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not as far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard.

'"In this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a tine all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to (top of p. 41) a government bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, as there was nothing new about that.' ~

I just love this approach to the first drink.

(p. 41, par. 1) 'Physically, I felt fine.'

Now, remember Jim.

(p. 41, par. 1) 'Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon.'

Boy, this guy is feeling good. C He's floating along, isn't he? J (p. 41, par. 2) '"I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner.'

Here's the squiggly writing now.

(p. 41, par. 2) As I crossed the threshold of the dinning room, the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more.

Here was a guy who had a great day, took his trip, went to Washington, presented this evidence, had a great day, knew his partners would be satisfied with the business deal, the things he had done that day. Perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. He walks into the dinning room, and says, boy, I had a good day today. I believe I'll have a drink, and go back to the hospital. (laughter) That's the decision he made! (laughter) C You see, that's the truth.

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 41-42, 43 Tape 4A-7

J That's the truth. C He couldn't see the truth. He believed a lie. His mind said it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. Nothing more. That was all. Based upon the insane belief, based upon the lie, he made a decision and took some action. He said:

(p. 41, par. 2) 'I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail.'

Now we've got it inside of our system. Now we've triggered the allergy and the craving has developed. We can't stop.

(p. 41, par. 2-3) 'After dinner I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the hotel it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty next morning. I have a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York, and of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. The driver escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went or what I said and did. Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering.

'"As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink . This time I had not thought of the consequences at all.'

You know, Jim vaguely sensed he wasn't being any too smart. Fred didn't even sense that. Fred didn't think of the consequences at all. He said:

(p. 41, par. 3 p. 42, par. 1) 'I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cock :ails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come--I would drink (top of p. 42) again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.'

So we see through example after example, that Bill is reinforcing the idea, that we've got to have this spiritual experience in order to recover from the disease. That we are insane. We can only be restored to sanity, restored to believing the truth, with the aid of a Power greater than we are, through having this spiritual experience.

Bottom of page forty-three.

(p. 43, par. 4) 'Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power . '

Now then, I'm convinced, absolutely. By going beck and

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 44 Tape 4A-8

showing me the insanity, I am convinced that if I don't find this Power greater than I am, that I'm probably going to die from the disease of alcoholism. That doesn't mean I like the idea. That doesn't mean that I'm just going to accept this spirituality into my life and just be as happy as I can be about it. Because I still have certain aversions to this term at this stage of the game. I still have certain aversions to anything that sounds like religion or spirituality. Still don't like the idea of being so weak that I've got to have a Power greater than I am. Still don't really understand where I stand spiritually or in my relationship with God that I do not understand. Thank God for "Alcoholics Anonymous," the book "Alcoholics Anonymous." Because within this book, not only is it going to give me the opportunity to have a God of my own understanding, but it's also going to give me a new understanding of God.

When I came to A.A., as I said before, my understanding of God was hellfire and brimstone e; going to hell for lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking whiskey, and all those other things. With that understanding it would be impassible for me to go any further with this program, simply because I didn't believe that God would do for me what I should be able to do for myself. I didn't understand whether I was an atheist or an agnostic. I didn't understand whether I was a true believer or not. With the confusion in my mind, even though I recognized that I'm going to have to have that Power, at this stage of the game, I still believed that it could simply not take place in my life. That it would be an impossibility

In this next chapter, it's a little spiritual kindergarten. It's going to kind of help us understand where we are, and where we ought to be. It's going to show me a simple way (of) getting from one place to the other. It's going to change my understanding entirely about this God that I absolutely misunderstood before I came to A.A. Joe. J This brings us, as Charlie said, to We Agnostics. We see the beauty of this chapter, and what it really does. It helps anyone to evaluate, or gives us ~ place to begin to develope. Wherever we are, we can begin using this chapter to develop ~ spiritual life.

(p. 44, par. 1) 'In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.'

I love this. There's two questions in here, to determine if you're a alcoholic. You see the simplicity of the Big Book. In 1939 when it was written, they had two questions to determine as if you were alcoholic. Now, we got forty-four I believe. We've improved on it. (laughter) C You see, the fellowship changes. J We don't need but two questions. C Thank God, Ebby didn't have the forty-four questions when he

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 44 Tape 4A- 9

walked in Bill's kitchen. He'd have confused the hell out of Bill. He'd have said, Bill, has your reputation been suffering from your drinking? He hadn't had a reputation in years. Then he would have said, is your sex life been suffering from your drinking, and he hadn't had any of that in years either. He would have confused the hell out of Bill.

Two simple questions. Can you quit entirely when you want to quit? Do you have little control over the amount you take, after you once start drinking? If you auk yourself those two questions, you can find out very rapidly whether you're alcoholic or not. If you can't do those things, then you are probably alcoholic. Now:

(p. 44p par. 1) 'If that be the case, then you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.'

You see, Bill repeats himself over and over and over, driving home certain points. J Steps One and Two C (p. 44, par. 2) 'To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is mean. disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death' J Step One. C (p. 44, par. 2) 'or to live on a spiritual basis...' J Step Two. C (p. 44, par. 2-3) 'are not always easy alternatives to face.

'But it isn't so difficult. About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type. At first some of us tried to avoid the issue, hoping against hope we were not true alcoholics. But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of lifer--or else. Perhaps it is going to be that way with you. But cheer up. something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics. Our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted.'

And again we see words that I think if we don't understand them the way they meant them in the book, that the information that we receive is going to be garbled. To my amazement I found out that I didn't really understand what an atheist is. I really didn't understand what an agnostic is. Today I believe that there's only three ways that you can believe in this God, as we understand Him, whatever we want to call it. You can be an atheist; you can be an agnostic: or you can be a true believer. Those three ways are about the only way you can really believe in God.

Now, to be an atheist is to say that God does not exist. The true atheist believes that there's no power greater than human power, no power greater than the human mind. Now, if that be the case, then the true atheist has no other power to turn to. He must stand on his own two feet, make his own decisions, run his own show, because there's no power greater than his mind. I don't think most of us were atheist.

I think probably most of us were agnostic. Because you see an

Step # 1 Big Book Page # 44-45 Tape 4A-10

agnostic is one who believes that God exists, but then he acts as if he doesn't. He acts exactly like the atheist. He rune his own show, stands on his own two feet, runs his own destiny and turns to no other power for help. He gets the same results, nothing. Even though he believes that God exists, he acts as if he doesn't. (See Transcriber's note on "agnostics.")

The only other way you can believe in God is to be 8 true believer. A true believer, believes that God exists, and acts as if he does. He doesn't try to run his own show. He doesn't try to make his decisions. He doesn't try to rule his own destiny. He turns to this God, as he understands Him, for help and direction in his life, receives it end he knows that God exists.

And that's the only way you can believe. You got to be an atheist, agnostic, or a true believer, one of the three. Most of us found ourselves, I believe, to be agnostics. I've never had any quarrel all my life whether God existed or not. I've always know that there was some Power greeter than human power. But my understanding of that Power was false. I believed that Power was a punishing Power. And he wouldn't help people who had been like I am.

This book has allowed me to change my understanding. It's allowed me to move from being an agnostic to being one who now has become a true believer. Not only does it give me God as I understand Him, but it gives me a new understanding of God. Now, if we be an atheist or we be an agnostic, the question becomes, how do we get from that state to the state of being a true believer? One who can use that Power, and then will know that God exists for sure. The book's going to tell me exactly how to do it in a very simple manner. It said:

(p. 44, par. 4 p. 4S, par. 1) 'If a mere code of morale or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us (top of p. 45) would have recovered long ago.'

I believe that there's a difference between an alcoholic and a drunken bum. A drunken bum usually is about where (he) wants to be. They're satisfied with where they are, what they're doing and they don't particularly want to change. But an alcoholic is a different breed of cat. An alcoholic usually has a code of morale. An alcoholic usually has a good philosophy for life. An alcoholic knows that you need to work. You need to make a living. You need to pay your bills. You need to take care of your family.

We have a good philosophy of life, but if those would have saved us, we would have recovered long ago. But they didn't save us. Things kept getting worse and worse and worse. Even though we had morale, even though we had a philosophy of life, we found we couldn't live up to those because of our alcoholism. And my book says:

(p. 45 par. 1) 'But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power

Step # 1-2 Big Book Page # 45, 47 Tape 4A-11

wasn't there. Our human recourses, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient they failed utterly.'

I believe that to be true. If you and I could have done it through our own will, through our own morale, through our own philosophies, we never would have become members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know anybody who set out at eighteen, fifteen, sixteen, fourteen, and took a drink and said I, can't wait for the day to come when I can be a member of A.A. (laughter) We were driven here, under the lash of alcoholism.

We tried every power that we could think of and finally, finally, when they all failed, we had to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the court of last resort. Our power as marshaled by the will, simply was not sufficient. Now the book's going to tell me what my real problem is. I thought all along it was drinking. But the book says:

(p. 45 par. 2) 'Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?

'Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.'

It doesn't say which will help you solve it. It doesn't say which will enable you to solve it. It says, which will solve your problem. Up until this point, I'd been looking at sobriety, sobriety, sobriety, and not drinking as the major thing. This page says, that isn't what it's about. It said, the main object of this book is to enable me to find a Power greater than myself which will solve my problem.

Interestingly enough we're through talking about alcohol. The book doesn't talk about alcohol anymore. (the problem) From this page on it concentrates on one thing and one thing only. How do you find that Power? (the solution) It's going to show me a very simple procedure to follow in the finding of that Power. (the practical program of action) Over on page forty-seven, it tells me where to begin the finding of the Power. J Okay, how do we find this Power? Begins with--this is such a natural process of human success or failure, like everything begins. This is like anything else in our lives begins. It begins with the same process.

(p. 47, par. 2) 'We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe...'

If you're an agnostic, you already believe. If you're an atheist, you have to become willing to believe. That's the story.

(p. 47, par. 2) "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?"

That's all we've got to do, is to believe.

(p. 47, par. 2) 'As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built..'

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 47 Tap- 4A-12

Here we see Bill going end painting his pictures. Remember, he said willingness was the foundation of what we're going to do. (p. 12, par. 5) On this foundation of willingness, we're going to put a cornerstone. We're building a spiritual structure. Now, the cornerstone is believing. (p. 47, par. 2) Believing is the cornerstone of anything that we do. Getting up out of the chair you're setting in begins when you believe you can get up. Anything you do is initiated with believing. This is the limitation, or the success or failure of our lives. What we believe, we're going to become. So this is the beginning. If we're not willing to believe, we can't begin. If we're atheist, we can't begin. But if we can get to the point of believing, then we're on our way. This is all we have to do. We don't have to have faith in this program.

Faith is knowledge after the fact. Belief comes up front. Before you start you can only believe. It is very easy to look at the other people who have recovered. How can we not look at all the other people who have recovered, and not be able to believe? "Believes is where we start at. We do not have to have faith. The only thing we have to do is believe (or be willing to believe). And believing, as Charlie and I always say, believing is like being a little suspicious. That's about all it is. That's all you got to do to start. C If you'll notice at the end of that statement, there is a little asterisk. It takes me to the bottom of the page. It says:

(p. 47, at the bottom) ''Please be sure to read Appendix II on "Spiritual Experience." 'J Third time. C They want to be absolutely sure that we don't misunderstand what they're trying to tell us. We're going to build this wonderfully effective spiritual structure. It's evident that by referring, with the asterisk, to the spiritual experience, what he's referring to is the personality change sufficient to recover (from alcoholism). (p. 569, par. 1) The structure we're going to build is that personality change. Willingness is the foundation upon which we lay that structure. The cornerstone of the structure is to believe, or to be willing to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. And I have no difficulty with that whatsoever, because I have already admitted in Step One that I'm powerless over alcohol. If I'm powerless over alcohol, then that means that alcohol is a power greater than I am. So I have no trouble in seeing that there's a power greater than human power. Hopefully, this Power will not do to me what alcohol did to me. It said:

(p. 47, par. 3) 'That was great news to us, for we had assumed we could not make use of spiritual principles unless we accepted many things on faith which seemed difficult to believe.'

You see, in my church, my minister said, son, all you got to do is have faith and everything will be alright. Well, how could I have faith in God when I just barely was able to believe. Faith is knowledge after the fact. Belief is suspicion, before the fact. The only thing I can do right now is just to believe that

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 51 Tape 4A-13

there is a Power greater than myself. Then if I follow a certain procedure, perhaps I can change that belief into faith. Let's go over for a moment to page fifty-one, and we'll look at an example or two at what can be accomplished through belief. In the middle paragraph it says

(p. 51, par. 2) 'This world of ours has made more material progress in the last century than in all the millenniums which went before.'

And that's absolutely true. In the realm of the material within the last one hundred years, we've seen practically everything we use today developed. Our automobiles, our television sets, our hair dryers, this projector, electric coffeepots, space ships, airplanes, Christ, nearly everything we've got today has been developed within the last one hundred years. The book says:

(p. 51, par. 2) 'Almost everyone knows the reason.'

Well, I don't really think we do. It says:

(p. 51, par. 2) 'Students of ancient history tell us that the intellect of men in those days was equal to the best of today.'

I thought the reason we developed within the last one hundred years is because we're smarter than those people used to be. That isn't what the book says. It says, they were just as smart then as we are today.

(p. 51, par. 2) 'Yet in ancient times material progress was painfully along.'

Even though they were smart, they didn't develop very much.

(p. 51, par. 2) 'The spirit of modern scientific inquiry, research and invention was almost unknown. In the realm of the material, men'. minds were fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas.

Four or five hundred years ago, a thousand years ago, fifteen hundred years ago, you were not allowed to believe different. Because of superstition, because of tradition, and because of fixed ideas, people could not believe differently. If you dared to believe differently usually you got in bad trouble. It wasn't too long ago we were burning people at the stake here in our own country because they dared to believe differently. We burned them at the stake as witches. If you believed differently they would crucify you, hang you from a tree, put you in jail. You were not allowed to believe different. So therefore, since the beliefs could not be changed, then the state of their living could not be changed either. It's only within the last one hundred years that men and women s minds have been opened up, the superstitions, tradition, and fixed ideas have disappeared, and we've been allowed to believe differently.

You know, can you just imagine five hundred years ago somebody walked down through the street singing, humming, happy, looking straight ahead. They say what's the matter? You said, I am inventing a television set. Why Christ, they would have thrown him in jail right then. But today people believe they could, and sure enough they do bring out television sets and everything

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 51 Tape 4A- 14

else. Now an example of how those beliefs, and superstitions, and traditions fettered men's. minds is in the next statement.

(p. 51, par. 2) 'Some of the contemporaries of Columbus thought a round earth preposterous.'

About five hundred years ago, people that lived in Europe were trying to find some fast route to get from Europe to what they called the East Indies. In the East Indies they had found gold, silk, spices, tea and many other things, and they really wanted it bad. But the only way you could get there was by land. Only way you had to go was on foot, horseback, camelback, elephantback, or something. It took literally years to make the trip. They wanted to get there faster and bring that stuff back more. They were trying to find a new fast route to get there but they didn't know of any way to go except by land. Because they knew that if you tried to sail there that you would snail out to the edge of the earth, and you would sail right off edge of this sucker, because the world was flat. Everybody believed that the world was flat. They believed that if you sailed out there so far, you'd go down and that would be the end of it. I don't really know why they believed that, I assume that people would sail out there and not come back so they assumed they sailed off of the edge of it. Everybody believed that you couldn't go there by sea. They couldn't find a faster route to go. (See Transcriber's note on "Columbus.")

Here comes a guy named Columbus, along Joe and I believe Columbus ought to be our man. We believe he's alcoholic. (laughter) We believe he ought to be A.A.'s main man. Because Columbus had all the traits. Columbus said, well, I believe the world is round. You got to be a strong, bullheaded, stubborn guy to believe in the face of everything else, against all the rest of the world, to believe differently. He said, I believe the world is round. Another reason we think he's alcoholic is because he said, I believe I could get East by sailing West. (laughter) If that ain't a drunk statement, I never heard one before. He said, I believe if I sail straight West, I could come to the East Indies. They said, Columbus, you crazy as hell. (laughter) They said if you sail out there West you're going to sail off the edge of this sucker and you're not ever going to come back. He dared to believe differently. Columbus did a few things that resulted in changing the belief of all the rest of the world. There are other reasons we think he's alcoholic. Joe? J I think we really have to look at this and see why Bill used these illustrations, it's probably one of the greatest illustrations in our time to really see what Columbus did. He changed the world. He changed the geography of the world, the economics of the world. He changed the lives of every body on the face of this earth, probably since that time. The way he did it. He was big enough to believe different. See, whatever you believe you're going to become. Whatever you believe you're going to become. So, the only way you can change is to believe different. If you believe different, you'll become something different.

Columbus, like Charlie said was an alcoholic, because it had

Step # 2 Big Book Page # Tape 4A-15

to take a hardheaded, self-cantered alcoholic to believe against the whole world. He changed the world because he believed the truth and they believed a lie. And he had to be an alcoholic because the story clearly illustrates, it says, when he left, he didn't know where he was going. That's a drunk. (laughter) When he got there he didn't know where he wee. (laughter) And when he got back, he didn't know where he had been. (laughter) But what really makes him an alcoholic wee: a woman financed the whole trip. <laughter)

(End of Side A of Tape 4) (Transcriber's note: The strict agnostic believes that he can't know if God exists or not. In practice, few people can maintain the relentlessly rigorous and disciplined skepticism this requires. Joe and Charlie describe what most of us were really like.) -(Transcriber's note: Educated people of Columbus' time knew it was round. Eratosthenes, the ancient Greek, had even determined its circumference to within a few miles. They objected to his voyage, because they knew the earth was so big. They calculated, rightly as it turned out, that his trip to the far east would take too long for his supplies to last. They didn't imagine that North and South America might be there. This is just another example of fixed ideas. )

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 2 Big Book Page # Tape 4b-1

(Begin Side B of Tape 4) J And he did die in jail . (laughter) But he was big enough to believe different. He said, I believe the world is round. So he believed this, and not only did that, he made a decision. He took the actions. When he came back--we can use this as a principle of success, or failure, which we've been using it all our lives. We can use it either way, you can use it for yourself or against yourself. The first thing you've got to do is believe. That belief is not in itself going to change anything. Belief is before.

Once you believe, believing is like a domino theory. Believing has to bring about a decision, bring on a decision. A decision won't change anything, really. The decision, whatever we decide on is based on what we believe. Once we believe, we decide. Once we decide, we have to take action to carry out the decision. Once we take the action to carry out the decision, we get results from our actions. And once we get results from our actions, we stop believing and we begin to know.

Then we have faith. From then on, we can travel on faith, but we have to begin by believing. We can see that is the simplicity of our Steps, of our program. It's based on the basic--it's the simple way we do everything. This is our Second Step is believing, come to believe. Second Step is where we get started, is to believe. C I don't have any chalk. You stole the chalk. Anybody got any chalk in this outfit? Oh well, we didn't want to write that on the board anyhow. (laughter) J Once we believe, which is the Second Step, then we make a decision, which is the Third Step. Once we make a decision, then Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine are the Steps of action that carry out the decision. Once we take these Steps, then we get results, which are: the promises start coming out of the book. Once the promises are fulfilled, the Twelfth Steps says, then we know. We have faith. The man who has the Twelfth Step that knows--what I know is--today is from the results of actions that I've taken and applied to my life. Now that I know, what I know is faith.

My faith cannot be transferred to the next person. What I know can only help the new person come to believe. He has to take the journey himself. Once he believes, and he makes a decision, and he takes the action, and he gets results, one day he will know. So believing is the beginning.

You got chalk now.

I think it is so simple, whatever we do, success or failure. We fail the same way. There's people in trouble today using that principle. It's a principle. These are the principles of living. Believing is the Second Step, decision the Third Step, the actions Steps Four through Nine. Then we get results, which is the promises. kind then we know, which is the Twelfth Step. The one who knows can help the next person come to believe. This is the way I go to the store and buy something. When I

Step # 2 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-2

want to buy something at the store and I haven't bought it before, I go to the grocery store. I look at all these different things, and at all these different kinds they've got. I just don't know which one is good. I really don't know which one is the beat product. Maybe I listen to a commercial, or something I hear on TV and I believe that's a good product. First time I buy it I don't know what it is. I believe it's good. I decide to buy it, and I take it home and use it. Once I use it and it works good, I get good results, then I've got faith in it. When I go back there next time, I don't buy it on what I believe. From then on, I buy on faith, but the first time, I've got to start off, on believing. You can't start out with faith. You can just start out with simple believing. C When Columbus took his little trip, he didn't go on faith. Nobody had ever taken this trip before. He just strictly went on belief. We believe that he hired a special sailor. He put him on the front of the ship at night with a lantern. He said, I believe this world is round. But if you see the edge of this damn thing, you holler. (laughter)

Now, when he came back, he went right back to the Queen of Spain, the lady who financed him in the first place. She said, Columbus, where's the gold, and the silk, and the spices that you promised me. He said, I didn't find any. But he said, if you'll finance me again, I'll go back and this time I'll find them. She did finance him again, and he did go back.

But the only difference is, this time when he went back, he now went on knowledge. He went on faith. He didn't have go on belief, because now he knew. They didn't have to hire that extra sailor, and put him on the front of the ship. (laughter) Because now he knew that the world was round.

But you see he followed the same pattern that mankind has always followed in order to be successful . First, if you want to change, you've got to believe you can. If you don't believe, you'll never change. If you believe you can't then you'll stay right where you are for the rest of your life.

Now, he believed that the world was round, but that didn't do him a bit of good. Because he was still standing on the shore of the ocean when he believed that. It was several, sever-1 months, and maybe, two or three years, before he made a decision to go find out. But after he made the decision, that didn't do him any good either, because he's still standing on the shore of the ocean. It was some months or years later, before he took action on that decision. He finally went to the King of Portugal. The king turned him down. Then he went to the Queen of Spain to get the money. He got the money. He got the ships. He put the provisions in them. He hired the crews . They began to sail across the ocean. They took action. Then the results from that action is knowledge and faith.

Now, this is nothing new. We don't have the only corner on the market. People have used this for centuries in order to change the way they are. They believe they can change. They decide to try. Then they make decisions. Then they take action.

Step # 2 Big Book Page # 55 Tape 4B-3

Now, if the results they get are not what they want, then it's evident that their belief was wrong. All they've got to do is go back and change the belief, and then decide, and then act, and try again. Eventually we get the right results, and then we know. That's all we're doing with the Twelve Steps of "Alcoholics Anonymous." That's all we've got to do in anything to be successful.

Now, if I know what I need is the Power, and if I know that the finding of the Power can start simply with belief, then there's only about one other thing that I really need to know in order to get that Power. That is to find out where that Power is. Let's go over to page fifty-five for just a moment.

You know, I looked for this Power all my life. I've always looked for God. I always envisioned God as a tall elderly gentleman standing upon a cloud. He had on a long flowing white robes, long white hair, golden halo around his head, and sun ray. shooting out of it. And I looked, and I looked, and I looked, and I looked, and I never did see him. I looked for Him in the birds, and I looked for Him in the bees. I could never find Him. I think the reason I never found God is because I really didn't know where to look. I didn't know where God is, or where he dwelled. On page fifty five, it's going to tell me exactly where to find God.

(p. 55, par. 2-4) 'Yet we had been seeing another kind of flight, a spiritual liberation from this world, people who rose above their problems. They said God made these things possible, and we only smiled. We had seen spiritual release. But liked to tell ourselves it wasn't true.

'Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as men himself.

'We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He we. there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.'

You see, my book is telling me that God dwells within me. If God dwells within me, then that gives me a completely different concept, or idea about God. Now, I really don't think God is lost. People say, you got to find Him, you got to find Him. I don't think he's lost. If you've been here since the beginning of time, it's rather difficult to get lost. I think God dwells within every human being. It seem. as though deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God.

I don't know what we call that idea. Some people might call it innate knowledge. Some people might went to refer to it as common sense. Some may want to call it the conscience. Others may want to call it the soul. I don't really think it makes any

Step # 2 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-4

difference what we call it. But it seem though, for each of us deep down inside, we have certain basic fundamental ideas on how to live.

We just could never live up to those ideas. Because in our chase for money, power, prestige, sex, et cetera, we obscured and covered those ideas up, and did our thing. I think all we really have to do, is peel away the garbage and get rid of that junk. I think this basic knowledge that we all seem to have, can come to the surface, and we find that we already know how to live. We already know how to do what we want to do. You know, you really don't have to get anything in the Steps. In the Steps, you have to get rid of some things. These action Steps that we're going to be called upon to take, the purpose of them is to peel this garbage sway and get rid of it. And let this innate knowledge that we've all got at a subconscious level come to the surface, and we'll be able to use that Power. I didn't know that.

And if this be true, and I think it is. Then that means I've got my own personal God. If he dwells within me then I don't have to worry about whether He's the God of the Baptist church. I don't have to worry whether He'. the God of the Catholic religion, the Jewish religion, or anything else. He's my own personal God. If I can get that knowledge to the surface, then I'm going to be able to live peaceful, happy, and fret for the first time in my life. Always before I never could find Him, because I kept looking for Him in the wrong places. Now, if He dwells within me? then most certainly He dwells within you too. If we can believe that, then that's the starting point. From there we can begin to recover from the disease of alcoholism.

You know, I've found in the process of working this program; I didn't have to go find out anything spiritually. I didn't have to read any more books. I already knew what needed to be done. I just could never bring it to the surface. We've experienced that knowledge before. How many tines have I set out to do something, and that knowledge inside said, Charlie, I really don't think you ought to be doing this. I wouldn't pay any attention to it. I'd go ahead and do it. I'd get in one hell of a shape, and that knowledge would say, I told you better not do that. (laughter) It seems to have always been there. If I could have lived by it in the beginning, then I wouldn't have had the problems that I had.

You see, this is a very simple concept, of this God as I understand Him, a basic beginning point. And if we can just believe that God is there, if we can believe that He dwells within us, then we've got the starting point to go by. Remember spiritual experience? We will become aware of the fact, when we know that we have tapped an unsuspected inner resource of strength that we presently identify as God as we understand Him.

('...which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.' Appendix II, p. 570, par. 1)

'Our more religious member call it "God-consciousness-."'(p. 570, par. 2) Joe. J Okay, this brings us to How It Works (Chapter Five). At this point, we have completed the first two Steps. We've got the

Step # 2 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-5

problem and the solution. We know that we are powerless. We believe that there is a Power. If you...have those two facts, if you know that you are powerless and believe there is a Power, then the main purpose now is to find that Power. So now we come to the recovery program. We come to the planned program of recovery. As we've said, you know, if you take the first two Steps, you have diagnosed the problem, and you've got the prescription.

If you go to the doctor and the doctor diagnoses your problem, and he tells you what's wrong with you. You know, just telling you what's wrong with you doesn't improve your (condition.) You still feel bad. He says, you got the flu. Well, hell, so what? You don't feel any better, but you know what's wrong with you. Then he writes you out a prescription. You're still standing there in the office. You know what's wrong with you, and you got your answer in your hand. You've got the problem and the solution, but no improvement has taken place yet. All the improvement will take place through the treatment plan. Going and start getting the medicine, and start taking the action, then you start improving. But these two things are essential to bring us to the recovery program.

This is where we are, and the main purpose of the book is the planned program of action. They are based on the first two Steps. This is why we said, the fallacy of starting off in Chapter Five (is that), when you don't have the first two Steps, it's impossible. But now we can go into the planned program of action which begins in How It Works. As Charlie--we talk about this--read How It Works. Bill knew that he had laid the preparations for the program of recovery, he had talked about in these first four chapters and The Doctor's Opinion. He felt like it was time to now to really tell these people.

He was faced with the teak of writing the foundation of the book, the recovery program.* 'He felt very inadequate that night as he began this. He said, as the story goes, he laid in his bed with a pad and a pencil. He knew that he had to really get into this now. He just couldn't get the job done. He laid down his pad and his pencil for a while, and he paused. He had a period of prayer and meditation, and asked God for strength and (to) give him some directions in writing how It works. What we read, and we read it a lot in all our meetings, after a short period of time of prayer he picked up his pad and his pencil. In thirty minutes he wrote...the portion of How It Works which we read in our meetings including the Twelve Steps.

And Charlie--we usually read that original version of the manuscript as Bill (wrote) it. We'll talk a little bit about how we got our version, that came from that. So we'll--Charlie's going to read from the original manuscript the way Bill wrote it the first night. C Now, Bill in his own word. said that after this period of prayer and meditation that night, that he picked up the pencil. He said it seemed as though the pencil had a mind of its own. He began to write. In approximately twenty to thirty minutes, he

* See A.A. Comes of Age p. 160.

Step # 1-7 Big Book Page # 58-59 Tape 4B-6

wrote this How It Works. It's going to be a little bit different than what's in your book. This is the How It Works, the original manuscript, before the other members got hold of it. (laughter) And before any changes were made in it. (See "Paas It On, "pp. 198-199) I think if we see Bill's original How It Works, we're going to be able to see some very important key things that ties this whole thing together in our minds. I'm going to try by changing the tone of my voice to indicate the differences here. (That difference will be indicated by all capitals in print.) We'll read it and then we'll take a little break. He said:

'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our DIRECTIONS. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a WAY OF LIFE which demands rigorous honestly. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

'Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it--then you are ready to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. At some of these YOU MAY BALK. YOU MAY THINK YOU CAN find an easier, softer way. But WE DOUBT IF YOU CAN. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that YOU ARE DEALING with alcohol--cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for YOU. But there is One who has all power--that One is God. YOU MUST find Him now.

Half measures WILL AVAIL YOU nothing. YOU STAND at the turning point. THROW YOURSELF UNDER his protection and care with complete abandon. NOW WE THINK YOU CAN TAKE IT.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as YOUR program of recovery: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable Q . 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care AND DIRECTION of God, as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely WILLING THAT God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly ON OUR KNEES asked Him to remove our shortcomings- HOLDING NOTHING BACK.'

Step # 1,2, 8-12 Big Book Page # 59-60 Tape 4B-7

Wow'(laughter) '8. Made a(COMPLETE)list of all persona we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought though prayer and meditation to improve our CONTACT WITH GOD, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual EXPERIENCE as the result of this COURSE OF ACTION, we tried to carry this message to OTHERS, ESPECIALLY alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affair YOU MAY EXCLAIM, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point la, that were are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic' J That's The Doctor's Opinion, C'...the chapter to the agnostic' J Chapter Four. C'...and our personal adventures before and after' J This is Bill's Story, and More About Alcoholism. C '...HAVE BEEN DESIGNED TO SELL YOU three pertinent ideas:' (laughter) That YOU ARE alcoholic and CAN NOT manage YOUR own LIFE.' J Step One. C'(b) That probably no human power CAN RELIEVE YOUR alcoholism.' J Step Two. C'(c) That God CAN AND WILL.' J That's still Step Two. C 'IF YOU ARE NOT CONVINCED ON THESE VITAL ISSUES, YOU OUGHT TO REREAD THE BOOK TO THIS POINT, OR ELSE THROW IT AWAY.' (laughter) J Now, we can easily see in this...this is before it was edited, Charlie and I did a lot of study, and you might want to, too. You can see the clarity of the Big Book in the manuscript versus our book. He's saying that in the first four chapters and The Doctor's Opinion, the chapter to the agnostic, our adventures before and after, Bill's story, (that) these earlier chapters have been designed to sell you the ABC's which are the first two Steps. If you have the first two Steps, then he says, the very (next) thing, we are convinced that we are at Step Three. But if you don't have the first two Steps, he says, reread the book and get them or else throw the book away. Because you can't start off at Step Three. This is why we can't start at

Step # 1-3 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-8

Chapter Five.

The only Steps that are in our Big Book--the Big Book only contains Steps Throe through Twelve. The Big Book does not tell us how to work Steps One and Two. The only action Steps, the only working Steps are Three through Twelve. Step Three is the first Step in the book. It's based on the conclusions of the first two Steps. So you have to have those two conclusions. They are not working Steps. You just--you read the first few chapters and you come to two conclusions. One: that you're powerless. And Two: that there is a Power. Then you can begin the program of "Alcoholics Anonymous," which begins at Step Three.

You know, in the early days--and we were talking to some people who were in the program many, many years ago, in Akron, Paul, a good friend, who's probably been around forty-six, forty-seven years. He said what they did on a Twelfth Step call in the early days--and you can see where this came from--in the early days of A.A. when they went out on a Twelfth Step call, they would make a visit, and tell you their story . They would tell you about their alcoholism. Then you could see yourself, your First Step in them. You could say, oh, I'm powerless. By listening to them tell their story, you could find yourself in their lives. This is what a Twelfth Step call is all about. They would convince the person that he's powerless over alcohol through setting down, talking with him, and telling their story. Then they would say, can we come back and see you later on? He says, yea. They would come back the next time, and on the next visit, they would talk to him a little bit about God, and see if he believed in God, or he had some concepts to start with. And if he did, then they would take him to A.A. They would really do Steps One and Two on a Twelfth Step call. And when you came to A.A. you started on Step Three. That's where the program started.

Now our book--they were not going to see us. So the front of our book had to do Steps One and Two. The front of the first four chapters and The Doctor's Opinion had to carry the information for the reader to come to those two conclusions. If you have that, then you are now at Step Three. This is the first step of recovery, this Step Three.

When...the manuscript was first written...Bill wrote it that night. Imagine how he must have felt, seeing the Twelve Steps for the first time. He said he kind of associated this with the Twelve Apostles for some reason. He just finished and he--I know how he was by seeing this. Just about that time one of the members. * Oxford Group members, whatever they called them in those days, he came by with one of his prospects, coming from 8 meeting. Bill felt--oh man, he was enthused, you know how he must have felt, what he had just written. He had his first time to show this to one of the other members. I remember, this guy came by and he showed it to him, and boy, this guy didn't like it. He said, what in the hell is that? You know how you would feel.

I remember, they had six steps in the Oxford Groups meetings. They had penned out a little six steps and that was what they were using How would you feel if ... you left the other day, you and

*See AA Comes of Age p 161-162.

Step # 1-3 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-9

me, we had twelve steps, suppose you got back Monday and they had twenty-four? How would you feel? (laughter) (See Transcriber's note on "Oxford Groups.")

This guy said, what in the hell is all this? We don't need all that. And really, most of the first people--there was a lot of controversy--most of them didn't like the Twelve Steps. Most of them did not like it. There was a greater argument, a great confusion over the Big Book, which almost destroyed the book project amongst Bill (and the other members). There was a great fight over the Twelve Steps, what he had written that night. So this is where the fight...really ended up in changing to the version that we do have in our book. C The guy that sat here in Arizona, he was never going to see those people up there in Akron, New York City and Cleveland. He was never going to have the opportunity to have a classic Twelve Step call made on him in person. So the Big Book had to do it. The Doctor's Opinion and the first four chapters make the Twelve Step call. They show us all the information we need for Steps One and Two.

Before I saw the original manuscript, I would read How It Works. At the end of that statement it would say, we're now at Step Three. I'd say, where in the hell did One and Two go? Every Step from Three on, the book tells you, first: why you need to take it. It tells you how to take it, and tells you what the results will be. But there's no explanation of One and Two. It's only when we got the original manuscript that we saw what Bill had done in the writing of the book. He gave us all that information to recognize that we're powerless over alcohol and that our lives are unmanageable. He's given us all this information to recognize that there is a Power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. We're going to be called upon to make a decision in Three. There's no way that we could make that decision without first seeing Steps One and Two.

You see, they didn't have a Step One and Two then. They started with Step Three when they brought you to an A.A. meeting, when they sponsored you into the group. They said, I've been talking to this joker. I believe he recognizes that he's powerless, and I believe he believes in a Power greater than himself therefore I'm going to sponsor him into this group. That's where sponsorship came from in the beginning. But now, the book had to be complete in that detail. So now we recognize that there's really no work involved in Steps One and Two. They are conclusions of the mind. They are facts that we picked up from the information in The Doctor's Opinion and the first four chapters.

It's also apparent that Bill did not intend for this to be a set of suggestions. Bill intended for this to be a set of directions. Bill was very emphatic. First, he was a super-salesman. He sold us on One and Two as we looked at the book. Now he comes along, and he's going to direct us in what we need to do. He said, if you want what we had and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to follow directions. He

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 4B- 10

didn't say suggestions.

He took this thing and he went to the rest of the A.A. members, and about that time the crap really hit the fan. (laughter) One group of them said, my God what do you mean trying to direct alcoholics. You can't tell them what they've got to do. They said, they won't do anything if you tell them. Another faction said, Bill, you didn't tell them hard enough. Turn the crank harder. They fought, and they fought, and they fought over that word directions. Another word they fought over was God. This was a religious thing in the beginning, but there had begun to be some people come in there who professed to be atheists. There was one fellow that they call, Jimmy the atheist, Jimmy B, you ought to see his picture. He's sitting there, and he's smoking an old long stemmed straight pipe. He is the coldest eyed sucker I ever saw. (laughter) He looks exactly like what you think an atheist ought to look like. (laughter) He said, get all that God stuff out of there. We don't want none of that in there. But one side of the group was very religious. They said, oh, let's talk more about God, put more in there. They fought and they fought, up and down, back and fourth, round and around.

They tried to make Bill change. Bill said, I'm not going to change.* I wrote this after prayer and meditation. These aren't my words, they're God's words. They said, you are going to change. He said, I'm not. They said, you are. (laughter) And they just damn near blew the whole thing right there. Finally Bill recognized that he would hays to compromise, if they were to go any further.

At the suggestion of a nonalcoholic psychiatrists,** they made some changes. He said, why don't you change it from directions to suggestions. He said, more people would probably accept this thing as something suggested to them, than they would if you told them they had to do it. He said, where you keep saying, "you, you, you" in there, why don't you tell them what you had to do. Use the words "we." Instead of saying you've got to do this, say we had to do this. Where you keep saying "must, must, (moat)," let's change that to "ought, ought, ought." I believe it would be more successful.

Today, nobody has any idee, if we hadn't made those changes, instead of a million and a half world wide today, we might have ten million. But also if we hadn't made those changes, instead of a million and a half world wide, we might have ten thousand. Who knows? None of us are that smart. We simply know that this is the history behind the book. When you read the original manuscript, then this thing makes more sense.

Bill was cunning, baffling and powerful also. With his compromise, he put one stipulation on it. I'm willing to change, but I'm going to tell you one thing. If I'm to finish this book, from now on, I'm going to be the only authority. I'm not going through this anymore. Unless you give me the authority to write the rest of the book the way I want to, he said, then I'm through with it ***. They really had no choice. What he knew, but what they

* AA Comes of Age p 166. **AA Comes of Age p 167 *** AA Comes of Age p 163-164

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 60 Tape 4B-11

didn't know, there (it) was two pages later. He's going to put directions right back in this thing. (laughter) And he talks about directions all the rest of the way through the book. (laughter) When they took it out in How It Works, they ruined the continuity of the book. I think we'll be able to see that as we progress through the book. But it's evident that he meant them to be a set of directions.

I'd say one more thing before we break. This is the only set of directions in A.A. on how to work the Steps. The "Twelve and Twelve" is a fine book. There is some information in there that I think is absolutely brilliant. But it more or less explains why these Steps work. It does not explain how these Steps work. They . call this How It Works. They didn't call this Why It Works. (laughter) The reason it works is because they gave us a set of directions to follow, and it tells us exactly how to work each Step, Three through Twelve. And it's the only directions we have. I might say also this is the only program we have. The program is mentioned in the Big Book. It's the only program in A.A. So if we want to work it the way the original (one hundred) did, we're going to have a complete set of directions from here on, on how to work their program in our Lives to recover from the disease of alcoholism. Let's take about a ten minute break. We're going to jump right into Steps Three and Four. (applause)

...get as far as we can go this afternoon. I'll think we'll find that things will move a little faster now, now that we're all convinced of Steps One and Two. I do think we ought to have one more little joke though, just to get everybody in the right mood.

Again the story is about a drunk. This particular fellow is a drunken burglar. He broke into a house one night, no lights on, nobody home. He had a little pencil flashlight, and he found the wall safe. He was working on that safe trying to get it open. After a while, he heard a little voice say, Jesus sees you. He jumped, and he shined that light around. He didn't see anybody at all, so he goes back and starts working on the safe. In a few minutes the little voice said, Jesus is watching you. He jumped and he shined that light around again. He still didn't see anybody. He goes back to the safe and starts working again. After a while the little voice said, Jesus is going to get you. He jumped and he flashed that light. This time it went in a corner where it hadn't gone before. Sure enough, there was a bird cage with a parrot in it. He said, oh you damn bird. You don't know what you're talking about. He turned to go back to the safe, and as he did, his light went across the doorway. There stood a large German shepherd dog with his Lips snarled back, and his fangs showing. The little voice said, sick him Jesus. (laughter)

I don't know why Joe don't like those stories. On page sixty. -

(p. 60, par. 3-4) 'Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 60 Tape 4B-12

'The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that bests we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.'

This thing called self-will. Before we turn loose of self-will, Bill told us back in his story, he said: 'Simple but not easy...It meant the destruction of self-centeredness.'(p. 14, par. 2) In order for us to be willing to turn loose of this self-will, we're probably going to have to really understand why we need to turn loose of self-will. Nearly everybody operates on self-will. Most of us did practically all of our lives. We are very reluctant to turn it loose unless we really understand why we have to do that. It's kind of hard to do anything about a problem unless you really understand what the problem is. I think in order for us to turn loose of self-will, we're going to have to talk a little bit first about: what is self-will? Where does it come from, and how does it fit into these things?

This Step has some words in it that are very, very important. Again if we don't understand those words, as the writer meant for us to understand them, any idea that we're going to get is going to be garbled. The Step itself, Step Three, as we talk about it, it says, we made a decision. I think it's important that we look at the word decision. I've heard so many people say, well, I've been in A.A. four, five, sex, eight, ten years. My life's all screwed up. I'm still not happy, and I don't understand why. Because I turned my will over to God when I took Step Three, seven years ago, or three years ago, or two years ago. I don't believe we turn it over in Step Three. I think we make a decision to turn it over. Decision means and implies further action. A decision is simply what it says, a decision to do something. But we can make a decision over and over and over and over and take no action on it, and everything is going to remain identically the same.

I think one of the beat examples of that is my wife Barbara and I, we decided to go to California every Fall for about eight years in a row. But we never did get _ .. to California, because we never took any action to carry out that decision. Now, here about three years ago, we made that same decision to go to California. This time I took the car down and I had it serviced. Barbara packed the clothes, and we put them in the car. Then we drove from my house to Tulsa, Oklahoma, then to Oklahoma City, then to Amarillo, then to Albuquerque, then to Flagstaff. You know, by Golly, we ended up in Los Angles, California. We had made the decision repeatedly over and over and over and had never taken any action until that year. Therefore, we had never gotten to California until that year.

I think in Step Three, all we're going to do is make a decision. We're going to decide to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him. I think we're going to need to look at the word "will," and I think we're going to need to look at the word "life." I didn't understand what will was. Today, I kind of understand that will is my thinking

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape 4B-13

apparatus. Will is my mind. Will is the thing that tells me what to do.

I was scared to death when I came to A.A. about turning this thing over to this God as I understand Him, because I didn't know what God would have me be. I went to my sponsor and I said, man, I don't believe I can take Step Three. He said, how come? I said, if I turn my thinking, my will, my mind over to the care of God as I understand Him, I don't know what God would want me to be, what He would want me to do. He may want me to be a missionary in Africa, or China, and I sure as hell don't want to be that. And he just laughed. He said, Charlie, at least it wouldn't be at the hands of an idiot, would it? (laughter) He said, let's look back in your life. He said you've always been a self-willed person. You've always done exactly what you've wanted to do, whenever you wanted to do it, regardless of what it did to anybody else. He said, the great result, the great reward you get for living that kind of life, is that you got to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I look back in my life today, and I realize what my problem has always been. My thinking, my will, my mind has always been rather faulty. Not just in regards to alcohol, but a lot of other things as well. Always before I would do something, I had to think about it first. The body cannot take action without the mind telling it, it's okay to do that. My thinking has always been rather faulty. Based upon faulty thinking, I made some very, very bad decisions. Based upon bad decisions, I took some very, very bad actions. Those actions resulted in a living hell for me.

My sponsor said to me, he said, just think, if God could direct your thinking, then maybe it would become better-. And he said, if it became better, then maybe your decisions would become better. Then maybe your actions would become better. Then maybe you would have a better life, and you wouldn't be in trouble all the time. I made a decision to turn my will, my thinking apparatus, and my life, over to the care of God as I understood Him.

Now, what is my life? Well, my life is nothing more than my actions. My life today is the cumulative total of all of the actions that I've taken throughout my lifetime. They have determined what my life is right now. Now with faulty thinking and bad decisions and bad actions, my life has always been screwed up. But if God directs my thinking, and if my decisions become better, and my actions become better, then my life is going to become better. I think that's all I'm really trying to recall do in Step Three, is to turn this thinking apparatus over to God in the hopes that my...'

(End of Side B of Tape 4) (Transcriber's note: "Pass It On,'. p. 197. "There is no evidence that the Oxford Group had such a specific program: yet the Oxford Group ideas prevail in these original six steps, as listed by Bill:

"1. We admitted that we were licked, that we were powerless over alcohol.

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 4B-14

"2. We made a moral inventory of our defects or sins.

"3. We confessed or shared our shortcomings with another person in confidence.

"4. We made restitution to all those we had harmed by our drinking.

"5. We tried to help other alcoholics, with no thought of reward in money or prestige.

"6. We prayed to whatever God we thought there was for power to practice these precepts." "Pass It On," p. 206, footnote 2: 2. In later years, some A.A. members referred to this procedure as the six steps of the Oxford Group. Reverend T. Willard Hunter, who spend 18 years in full-time staff positions for the Oxford Group and M. R. A., said, "I never once saw or heard anything like the Six Tenets. It would be impossible to find them in any Oxford Group-M. R. A. literature. I think they must have been written by someone else under some sort of misapprehension." Pass It On, Copyright (c) 1984 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Service, Inc. All rights reserved. (c)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 3 Big Book Tape 5A-1

( Begin Side A of Tape 5) C But if God directs my thinking, and if my decisions become better, and my actions become better, then my life is going to become better. I think that all I'm really trying to do in Step Three is to turn this thinking apparatus over to God in the hopes that my actions and my life will become better in the future. In this Step I'm just making a decision to turn it over. I'm not going to turn it over, but I'm going to decide to try to turn it over. Joe. J As Charlie said, Step Three is a beginning, and it's a process of turning it over. 1 he...way we take the actions of turning our life over to the care of God is actually in Steps Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight and Nine. This is the way we turn it over. Step There is a decision to carry out those actions. In the word decision, we can see how this thing is so intricately put together. The word decision comes from the (same word as the) word dissect, which means to cut in two, or to choose.

He's said over and over when alcoholic we have two choices, two Steps. we've got the first two Steps then we can cut in two and decide which one we want. We can decide which one we want, and if you're an alcoholic we have but two alternatives. (p. 25, par. 4, and p. 44, par. 2) It ain't no tough decision, because you ain't got but two ways to go. (laughter) You know, if we had ten it would be a hard decision, but there ain't but two things you can do. (laughter) Number one: we've been there. We are powerless, lack of power, the problem, the physical allergy and the mental obsession. And two: the solution is power, the power of the fellowship, and the Power of the spiritual experience. We can--we're standing at the turning point. We have but two choice-.

The word decision means to choose a course of action. We can choose a course of action, based on the first two Steps. We have facts. It means to cut facts in two. For the first time in our lives we have a choice. We can choose between Step One or Step Two. Now, as Charlie says, this is a decision. If we choose Step One, then there is a price we have to pay. He says, make a decision. If we take this decision, we have to turn over our will, (which) is our thinking, and our lives (which is our actions). This is the price we have to pay if we choose Step Two.

Now he says, you know, as Charlie says, self-will is a...very difficult thing, it's a very small word, very difficult, I think, to get over: what is self-will? I had a lot of problems. I didn't understand it. I was like Charlie. When I first came to A.A., I did not like this idea of turning--I just said, I ain't turning my life over to God. (It) didn't say that, but that's what I thought it said. Because I had aversions to that.

I wasn't worried (like Charlie wee). I didn't thing God wanted me for a missionary anyway. (laughter) I didn't have no fear of that. My greatest fear was at that time, I don't know why I had it, but I--you know we all have these little funny things. You know how crazy alcoholics are. I was always worried(that)if I

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape 5A-2

turned my will and my life over to the care of God, I knew he was going to put me in the Salvation Army Band. (laughter) I (could) just see myself, playing that cornet in that band. Now I can look back of that and laugh. I travel a lot, and I'm always observing things. I always look at the Salvation Army Band. I've never seen a black guy in the Salvation Army Band. (laughter) That ain't our kind of music. (laughter)

But I can understand our will, and the word "will." If we can understand the word someplace else, and bring it back (it would help us). Where do we understand it? When a person dies he leaves a will, I know what that means. That is (when) the person is alive, and when he has a certain amount of money and material things that he wants given away to other people after he dies. So while he's alive he writes out a set of directions that he wants to dispense his wealth. They call that set of directions his will. So the will is a set of directions that a person writes out. Once he dies the family rushes him out to the graveyard, rushes back, and gets this piece of paper out. (laughter) Now that he's gone, they want to carry out his directions. That's what a will is a (sat of) directions. That's the same thing that we have.

We are the only animal, by the way, we're God's greatest creation. We are God's greatest creation. When God created the world, he had a covenant with man. He said all the other animals of the world, all the other animals that I will control and direct them. All the other animals are God directed. They weren't given the ability of doing what they wanted to do, or running their lives. And since God directs them, he cares for them, he feeds them he shelters them. But...he wanted man to take dominion over the earth, so he gave us the ability to reason. He gave man the ability of self-will, of self-directions. We are the only animal--we have been blessed, or cursed with that, whichever way you look at it.

You know, I look at the so called dumb animals, that God can direct the bird-, he seems to direct them. They can go all the way to South America, thousands of miles. They can take directions from something outside of themselves. They are directed all the way, five or six thousand miles. They turn around next year and they fly back and come right back to the same place on the same day.

But there is no way in troll you could get men to do that. Before they got to the border down here, they'd be arguing like hell. (laughter) Because each of them has self-will. They wouldn't get twenty miles. C They wouldn't got past Tucson. J They wouldn't get nowhere. Okay, so we have self-will, and it's a God given thing. There's nothing wrong with it. If it's God given, it's supposed to be there. It's supposed to--a certain amount of that is necessary for the human life. But no one is perfect with it. When it begins to get out of control, the same thing that is necessary and vital to our lives (begins to hurt

us. )

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape 5A-3

If we go back to the Twelve and Twelve, and deviate here, I think one of the greatest things Bill wrote was Step Four in the "Twelve and Twelve." (In the very front of the Big Book on page 11, 'OTHER BOOKS,' it tells us that the "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" is 'An interpretive commentary on the A.A. program by a co-founder') It actually talks about self-will. He said if we didn't care about one another, and ourselves, and our self-esteem, there would be no society. This is a survival instinct. Self-will is a survival instinct. If we didn't have security, if we didn't harvest food or construct shelter, the human race wouldn't survive. So security is a part of self-will. Just like our social instinct. He also says, if it wasn't for sex we wouldn't reproduce, and there would be no survival of the human race on this earth. ("Twelve and Twelve," p. 42.)

So God placed these things in man for our survival. These are necessary. They are vital, and they are God given. But these same things that are necessary for life, sometime they far exceed their proper function. They get out of control. Instead of them being an asset, they become a liability to our lives. So what happened is (that) we have let self get out of control. And since there are only two wills in the world, the will of man, and the will of God, only God can correct the will of man. One can eliminate the other. So this is our decision.

It all started--Charlie and I will get into this, I think it helps. I go all the way back to the beginning of time, when Adam and Eve began, when man first began. You know, they were new at this thing called living. They didn't know a lot about it in the first days. They were in serenity park, the little garden. They were just nice, you know. (laughter) Boy, they had it made. They laid back just taking it easy. They were the only humans here. All other animals operated off of God's will. So it was easy for them to go along with it. They did know anything different. God told them what to do. Do this and do this, and they just followed God's directions. hen, it was the finest place we ever had here.

What happened the little snake came along, and he said, why don't you all eat that apple, told Eve first. Eve said, we can't eat that apple. Said, why? Well, God just said we couldn't. Snake probably said, who does he think he is, God? (laughter) You know, he said, I can't do it, but you have self-will. You all can, you and Adam. You all can do what you all want to do, because you have self-will. Even though He said that, you can still do what you want to do, because He ha s given you that ability. Eve went over and told Adam, said, let g eat the apple.

So they ate it. Later on God came through and said, hey, what happened to the apple. Adam said, we ate it. I thought I told you not to do it. How come you ate that apple. We think he was probably the first alcoholics because he said, she made me do it. (laughter) Typical. And Eve was probably the first compulsive overeater, too.

But from there on, we have the right, we have the basic ability of self-will, and we will always have it. I think the greatest thing that we are trying to do, is we are trying to live

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape SA-4

a self-directed life, in a God directed world. That's the trouble of it. That's the frustration of it. You know, we have to make a decision to give up this self-will. This is a very difficult thing. It is not an easy thing. If we were week people, it would be easy to give up self-will. An alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will. You have to be strong willed to be an alcoholic. A weak person could never get this illness. The first time he vomited he would quit. You can't make it that-a-way. (laughter) You have to really be hard headed, and self-willed. And this is the root of our problem.

C I think in order for us to really understand this, let's take a look at some of this information. And Bill did talk about in the "Twelve and Twelve." Like we said a while ago, some of that information in the "Twelve and Twelve is absolutely brilliant. In the first couple of pages in Step Four- J Study it. C He talked about the basic instincts of life. Now, all animals on the face of the earth, have the same basic instincts, the desire for a social instinct, the desire for security, and the desire for sex. But the big difference is: the other animals, they don't have any choice. God directs them. They respond, and do whatever it is that they do at God's will and God's direction only. He gave us the same basic instincts so we could survive. But He gave us the privilege, or the curse, of being able to make decisions. To think about thee. things, and decide what we want to do.

In the Twelve and Twelve, in talking about the three basic instincts, the first one he talked about was the social instinct. He said that every human being is born with the desire to be liked and accepted and respected by other people. Without that desire to be liked and accepted and respected by other people, the world would go into complete anarchy, dog eat dog situation. Eventually the human race would fail to survive. Sometimes we hear it called the group instinct, sometimes the herd instinct, sometimes the social instinct. Doesn't make any difference what we call it, but everybody wants to be liked. Everybody wants to be accepted, and everybody wants to be respected.

Without that, we would not join together to do the things a not necessary for survival of the human race. There's all kind of words that fall under it. Companionship is one. Prestige is one. Some people want to be the leader. Some people just want to be a part of the group. Without leaders, without decision makers the human race wouldn't survive at all.

Even back in the cave man days, somebody had to be the decision maker. Somebody had to say, Mary, you get over behind that tree with a club. And Jack, you get over behind this bush here with a spear. And John, you and Billy, you get over there behind that tree with those big rocks. And then the rest of us are going to run this sucker through here, and we're all going to jump him and we're going to kill him and then we're going to have something to eat.

Somebody has to be the leader. This social instinct will

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 3 Tape 5A-5

either evidence itself as wanting to be the leader of the group, or wanting to just be a part of the group. In either case though, it will be based upon what other people think of us. If they don't like us and respect us, most certainly we can't be the leader. If they don't like us and accept us, most certainly we cannot be a member of the group, and we will be on the outside.

Everybody is born with that desire to be accepted and liked by other people. We've got self-esteem. Self-esteem is what we think of ourselves, and that's based on what we think other people think of us. We have personal relationships between each other. We have ambitions in that particular area, to be recognized to be accepted, et cetera. These are all good, became they are God given things.

Now if we practiced them at the exact level that God intended, then shore would be no conflict between us. But if we practice them on self-will, instead of God's will, it seems as though we're always in trouble. I doubt if you and I would do the things necessary to be liked and accepted and respected by other people if we didn't get a reward for doing that. You know, you've got to work at being liked and accepted and respected. You've got to find out what it is that the people in my part of the world really expect of me. You have to sat goals, and you've got to work toward that goal. You work, and you work, and you strive, and you strive. It may be a college education. It may be a lot of different things. It'll vary in different parts of the world. And just as importantly, not only do you have to work toward that, you probably have to give up some things that you really like to do. If you do certain things, they most certainly are not going to accept you as a part of the group. You've got to give up some of those things. I don't think we would do all that if we didn't get a reward.

The reward is, and Bill mentioned it in his story when he said, 'I had arrived.'(p. 3, par. 2) You've set your goal. You've worked at it, and you've striven. All of a sudden you're there and you've reached it. My God, it does feel good when you've successfully completed that, whatever it is. The only thing wrong with it; it seems to be just a temporary feeling. You get it, and you look around. You say, is this all there is to it? You set another goal, and you take off again. You strive, and you strive until you reach that goal, and it's not enough. It seems to create an insatiable desire for more of the same.

We're not getting there feet enough, and we're not getting the recognition that we went. People are not letting us have--and we begin to lie a little bit. we begin to cheat a little bit. We begin to steal and con and manipulate people. When we do, we begin to hurt people. They retaliate against us, and that creates suffering and pain for us. It's plain that a life run on self-will can hardly ever be a success, because under those conditions, we're always in collision with people, places and things. We simply cannot control those desires left on our own self -will.

The second basic instinct he talked about, is the security

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape 5A-6

instinct. I know that in A.A. we live one day at a time. But I also know that practically everybody in this room has an insurance policy of some kind to protect ourselves in the future. God gave us that basic instinct of life. If we were not worried about the future, we would not provide the food, the clothing and the shelter that we will need in the future. When the drought comes along, we'd starve to death. When the cold weather comes along, we would freeze to death. We wouldn't have water to drink. We wouldn't have the things necessary for survival if we're not concerned about it and concerned about the future. It is a basic God given instinct.

The same thing, if you want to be secure, it takes a lot of work. You can't be secure and just sit on your bum all the time. You've got to decide: what is it I need in order to be secure? And usually that will vary too, in different parts of the world. In one place, it might be four dollar-. In another place, it may be four thousand. In another one, it may be four million. In another one, it may be a hundred and thirty-two rocks, whatever it is they use to measure their security by. W. sat the goal, and we begin to work toward it. We strive, and we strive, and we strive and just as importantly we have to give up some things that we really would like to do. You know you (can't) blow your money. You can't just throw your income away and at the same time be secure in the future. I don't think we would do the things necessary to be secure if we didn't get a reward for it.

The reward is the same identical feeling of having reached that goal. We have arrived there. How many of us have done it? How many of us have set out to buy the new homes Finally we got the money, and we purchased a new home. And my God, it's a great feeling. Maybe it was a new automobile. Maybe it's a piece of land. Maybe it's something else. You know, it will vary in different parts of the world. The only thing is, when you get it, it just seems to be a temporary feeling. You no sooner get it, than you begin to look around. You say, is this all there is to it? Hell, John's house is bigger. The land that Billy owns over here is greater than mine. That car is better than mine. We set a new goal, and we take off again. It seems to create and insatiable desire for more of the same.

We're not getting it feet enough, and the way we want it. And we begin to lie a little bit. we begin to con, manipulate, steal, and we begin to hurt other people. They in turn retaliate against us and that creates pain and suffering for us. It's plain that a life run on self-will can hardly ever be a success. Under those conditions, we're always in collision with people, places and things.

The third basic instinct is the sex instinct. Bill tells us there in the "Twelve and Twelve" that all human being. are born with the basic idea. the basic desire, the basic need to have sex. He said, it may be turned off by calamity, it may be turned off by bad happenings, it may be turned off by bad teachings, but all human beings are born in the beginning with the basic desire to have sex, because without sex we have no new babies. And

Step # 3 Big Book Page # Tape 5A-7

without new babies, the human race simply fails to survive. Sex is like the other two. I doubt if we would engage in sex, because sex is so damn hard work. I don't think we would do the work necessary to successfully complots it if we didn't got a reward for it. My God you can spend more money (energy?) in three minutes of sex, if you can last that long, (laughter) than you would all day digging a ditch. By Golly, you work at it, and you work at it, and you work at it, and then when you your reward, which is the successful--the great feeling you get at the moment of successful completion. You just fall over sideways. The sweat's pouring off of you. You can't hardly get your breath. You feel like you've died and gone to heaven and come back two or three times. I don't think we would do that work if we didn't get that reward.

That reward at the moment of successful completion, is one of the finest things that can happen to a human being. There's only one thing wrong with it, like the other two. It seems to be just a temporary feeling. You no sooner get through with it, than you begin to look around and think about doing it again. You think about not only doing it again, you think about doing it in different places with different people in different positions. (laughter)

You're not getting all you want as feet as you want and in the way you think you need lt. You begin to do it with other people in other places in the wrong positions. There next thing you know you begin to hurt people. Those people in turn retaliate against us and create pain and suffering for us. It's plain that a life run on self will can hardly ever be a success, because under those conditions, we can never get enough. We're always hurting people, places, and things. We always will suffer the pain and humiliation that comes from overdoing in those areas.

Now, if all human beings could practice it at the exact level that God intended there would be complete harmony in the world today. There would be no conflict. But left on self-will we can never, never have that kind of harmony. We've already been told that whenever we're sober, we're restless, irritable and discontented. We're full of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. The mind starts seeking relief, and takes us back to the idea of taking a drink. If I don't want to drink anymore, I've got to find a way to live, whore I not only can be sober, but I can have happiness, peace, and serenity. That I can be free of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. If I can do that, I can be sober and be happy at the same time.

In a life run on self-will, (there) can simply be no happiness for me. How many times have you and I tried to overcome self-will by self-will? How many times have we tried to make ourselves better? How many times have we said I'm not going to do that anymore, and then turned right around the next day and did it all over again? Self-will can not overcome self-will. Self-will is a God given thing, and only God has the power to overcome what he's made.

So if we want our life to get better, apparently we're going

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 62 Tape 5A-8

to have to let something else direct our thinking. If something else directs our thinking, then perhaps our decisions will become better, and we won't take the actions that throw us in conflict with people places and things. And just maybe we can live peacefully, happy and serene and sober at the same time. For the first time in my life I under stand why I need to make this decision. Left on my self-will., life will never be a success for me. With God's will, there's a good chance that it might be. Joe. J Okay, let'. start on page sixty-two. He uses the illustration on page sixty-one to describe self-will. He goes on to say that all human problem s, not Just our problems--I think we can look at this simple chart. I learned a lot from this, by laying this out. This is why I say, it's so profound. I think it's one of the greatest things on human nature that I have ever...read, that Bill wrote. Really, it's amazing. He was able to describe the three parts that make up self. Self-will is God given. It is these three basic instincts.

Now, it is the foundation of life. It's sort of like this building. Today I look at this beautiful building. There are some basic, real components that make this building livable. This building ha. heat in it. It h Is, probably, some gee, and it has electricity, and it has water. These things have to be in this building (they are) essential. If they weren't here, we couldn't occupy the building. The building really wouldn't be a livable building without the utilities in it.

Really, life is the same way. Self is the utilities, the foundation of the real power of life. These are the things. Without these we wouldn't be complete human beings. But still yet, just like these utilities, if these utilities make the building livable, but still yet, most of the time it's the lack of control of these things that destroy the building. It will be the electricity, or the heat or the water that will end up destroying the building.

And the same way in human life, self is the root of human life. But once it gets out of control, then it becomes a destructive force in that life. All human problems are based in self. Everybody that's in trouble today--not only alcoholics, there are many, many different types of trouble in our world today--every man that's in trouble, man or woman, or child, is in trouble today as a result (of this). One of these basic instincts is the root problem of it. We have people in prison. We have a guy that's in prison for stealing. That's why they put him (away). But why Aid he steal? Did he steal for security, or did he steal to build his self-esteem? One of these things, one part of self was what caused him to steal . All human problems...the root cause of all human problems is one part of self that has gotten out control.

(p. 62, par. 2-3) 'Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 62 Tape 5A-9

some time in the peat we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

'So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self -will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.'

We cannot do anything about self-will. Only God can control self-will. As we make a decision to turn our will over to the care of God, God's will coming into our lives will actually block out part of our will. This is simple. One will occupy the other.

(p. 62, par. 4) 'This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God.'

And only we can make this decision. God's not going to come down and take something that he has given to us. Right? Only we can make this decision to give this back to God. C I like this statement: 'we had to quit playing God.'(p. 62, par. 4) J That's right. C You know, this is a God directed world. Yet, we self-directed people, we were under the impression that we controlled the situation. We not only directed our own lives we directed the lives of all those around us. We directed the lives of our wives, our spouses. We directed the lives of our children. We tried to direct the lives of the people we worked with. Now, God directs the world, and when we're trying to direct it we're just playing God. We're really not God. And the statement said, 'we had to quit playing God. It did not work.'(p. 62, par. 4) J (p. 62, par. 4) 'Next, we decided that hereafter in the drama of life'

And this is our decision. We decide now.

(p. 62, par. 4) '...God was going to be our Director.'

He's got Him back in there. Already. C Two pages later he put Director right back in there. (laughter) J (p. 62, par. 4) 'He is the Principal'

From now on.

(p. 62, par. 4) '...we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.'

Again we see how Bill is beautifully painting these pictures in our minds, of the spiritual experience, the structure that we're going to build. Remember he said willingness was the foundation of this structure. (p. 12, par. 5) He said Step Two was the cornerstone of this structure. (p. 47, par. 2) Now he

Step # 3 Big Book Page # 62-63 Tape SA- 10

says, Step Three is'...the keystone of the new and triumphant arch though which we passed to freedom.'(p. 62, par. 4) Now he's building--so now we see that this is going to be an arch we're building. The foundation is willingness, the cornerstone is laid, as they stack these stones up in the archway...as they built these archways they would stack these stones, and the very stone in the middle, the last atone to go in was the keystone. The other stones leaned against the key stone, the keystone supported the gate. He says, Step Three is the supporting atone of the gateway we're building through which were going to pass through to freedom. He's drawing these pictures in our minds. (See Transcriber's note on the "fellowship.")

(p. 63, par. 1) 'When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.'

And this is what we get out of this.

(p. 63, par. 1) 'Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plane and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of send, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.' C In order to be reborn, that means we have changed. J In the mind. C We become different people. In the building of this wonderfully effective spiritual structure, we become different people than what we used to be, not physically, but in our minds. Our attitude and our outlook on life begins to change. We begin to have less conflict with people, places, and things. Already, just by the making of the decision we begin to make a little progress. People view these Steps as negative things. There's nothing negative about them (at) all. There will be a positive result that comes from each Step as we progress through them now, from now on. These promises that we get here, are part of the result of taking Step Three. J (p. 63, par. 2) 'We were now at Step Three.' It gives us an illustration of how we can take it.

(p. 63, par. 2) 'Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and They Way of life. May I do Thy will always-'We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

'We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person, such as our wife, beat friend, or spiritual adviser.'

Step # 3-4 Big Book Page # 63-64 Tape 5A-11

In the early day of A.A., many people, and some still yet today, took Step Three with someone else.

(p. 63, par. 3) 'But it is better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand. The wording was, of course, quite optional so long as we expressed the idea, voicing it without reservation.'

Hero is the real results. The results from Step Three is very limited.

(p. 63, par. 3) 'This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.'

In the case of the spiritual experience, sometimes the spiritual experience's a great effect. In most cases, it's just a beginning. (See Transcriber's note on "spiritual experience.")

We don't really get a lot--I think although we put a lot of emphasis on Step Three, we don't--the book doesn't say we get a lot in most cases out of Step Three, because it's just a beginning. We really haven't done anything. We just made a decision to do something in Step Three. We're going to find out later on--act we examine Step Five, at the end of Step Five, as we examine the results of Step Five--we'll find that actually we get a lot more out of Step Five than we do Step Three. And quite naturally, because Step Five is a Step of action. So we get more from the action Steps than from just the thinking Steps. This is the first step. We haven't done anything, but just make a decision to do some thing. I think it's quite plain after that. He says:

(p. 63, par. 4; p. 64, par. 1) 'Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, (top of p. 64) which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step...'

Step Three was a vital and crucial step.

(p. 64, par. 1) '...it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.'

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him. Unless we go to work to remove the things that are blocking us from God, we can't carry out that decision. It's obvious. Step Three is very vital. Step Four is all about identifying those things that block us from that decision. Our minds are full of resentment. Our minds are full of fears. Our minds are full of conflict. Although we've made a decision, how can God direct a mind like that? So we have to go to work, to clear away the thing- that block us off from the decision we have made in Step Three And this is what--and we begin

(p 64, par 1) 'Our liquor was but a symptom So we had to get down to causes and conditions'

Now we begin to take the action to carry out the decision in Step Three C I think one thing we need to look at in that paragraph that Joe just read is the time element placed upon the taking of

Step # 3-4 Big Book Page # 59 Tape 5A-12

Step Four. It said our decision was a vital and crucial step but it had little permanent effect unless AT ONCE followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things within ourselves which had been blocking us. People keep setting around saying how long should I wait before I take Step Four. According to the book, we take it at once after taking Step Three. I believe there's a reason for that.

Step Three, where we've made our decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him, in the making of that decision and the saying of the prayer, this is going to remove a little bit of self-will, just enough self-will removed to allow us to get on with Step Four. But if we don't take Four immediately and we begin to procrastinate, then after a while that little self-will that was removed begins to come back. Self says, I really don't believe I need to take this Step. Or self says, I'm afraid to take this Step. Or self says, I don't know how to take this Step. Self-will will find some reason for postponement of the Step. When it does that we're always in danger of taking a drink.

Remember if the mind stays restless, irritable, and discontented, (p. xxvi, par. 5) it's always in danger of immediately changing and going for the idea that a drink would make us feel better. Remember what happened to Jim. (p. 36, par. 2) Remember what happened to Fred. (p. 41, par. 2) No pre-thinking about those things at all. The mind just changed immediately. It could happen to you and I at any time, unless we take steps to prevent that from happening. So the book says at once. And you know, Four always did follow Three. It really does make sense. (laughter) So the next Step in this process, will be to make this searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I think again we've got to really look at why we need to do this. There's always bean God's will. There's always been Charlie's will. Now, I could have been operating on God's will all my life, but I never did. I always operated on Charlie's will. The reason I operated on Charlie's will was because certain things within my mind, my will, had continually blocked me off from God's will. Therefore I could not operated on His will. I had to operate on my own.

Now again, we're going to have to look at words. We're going to have to become willing to accept new ideas, new definitions of some words. When we look at Step Five it says we: 'Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.'(p. 59) And we immediately assume that's going to be a list of dirty, filthy, nasty things. But if we go into the dictionary and look up the word "wrong." We're going to find there's at least three different definitions of it.

It says in the dictionary, to judge incorrectly is considered to be a wrong. That's what a resentment is. We judge other human beings we get upset with them; we get angry at them, because of what they're doing. To judge incorrectly is considered to be a wrong. It also says, to believe incorrectly is to be a

Step # 3-4 Big Book Page # 59 Tape 5A-13

wrong. That's what fear is. You know, we've all run on fear all of our lives. Ninety-nine percent of the fears that we had we're incorrect because they never came true in the first place. My God, if all my fears had been correct, I most certainly would not be sitting here today. So to believe incorrectly is considered to be a wrong. Then it says, to act incorrectly is also considered to be a wrong, to do harmful things to other people. There's three basic wrongs that grow out of self-will. All human beings have them, to varying, different degrees. These seem to be the basic three things that block us off from God's will.

A mind that is filled with resentment is always churning on what they did to us, and what we're going to do to them, and damn them suckers, they can't do us that way, _ We're going to get even with them. God can't enter a mind that's filled with that stuff.

A mind that is filled with fear, there's no way that God can direct that thinking, because fear directs it. If my thinking is controlled by fear, then fear determines my decisions, fear determines my actions, and fear controls my life. There's no way that God can do that if my mind is filled with fear.

If I harm other people and they retaliate against me, then I've got to be filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. I've got to be filled with the fear of what are they going to do when they find out. There's no way that God can enter a mind filled with fear.

So these three basic wrongs block us off from God's will. My book is going to give me a way to look at these things. It's going to give me 8 way to gee where they came from. It's going to give me a way to see how to get rid of them. It's going to give me a way to keep from having them come back in the future. If I can once see them and identify them and see where they come from and get rid of them and see how to keep them away from me in the future, then my mind won't be filled with those things any more. If my mind isn't filled with those things, then God can start directing my thinking.

You know, there's been iota of confusion in A.A. about Step Three and Four. I think the reason we've had so much confusion is because we're very complicated people. We've been looking for something complicated in the Big Book on Three and Four, and Three and Four are very, very simple. I think it is so simple that with our complicated minds we've overlooked the simplicity of Steps Three and Four. I think we've looked for something harder than what's actually here.

Since we couldn't find the instructions in the book on how to do this, we began to search outside of ourselves for something better . Some of us saw in Step Five: 'Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.'(p. 59) So we assumed then that Step Four must be a list of these dirty, filthy, nasty things. There is a statement in Step (Five) that is concerned. It says all our life story. (p. 73, par. 1) So we went to that statement in Step Five and we assumed then that it meant, in Four we should write all of our life

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 5A-14

story. So we began to take our inventory by writing our full life story. The book doesn't say to do that at all.

I never will forget my inventory. When I took it that way, I wrote all my life's story. God, I don't know how many pages were there. I took it to the guy that I was going to do the Fifth Step with. He read it, and he said, not very pretty is it.

(End of Side A of tape 5) (Transcriber's note: The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous might be thought of as the wooden support used to hold up the stones until the arch is constructed. It is a strong support. But since it is made of perishable wood, it will eventually fail unless all the stones in the archway are sat in place.) (Transcriber's note: As Joe says, some people have a spiritual experience after Step Three. This idea suggests that Bill, also, might have had his white flash experience after Step Three. See "Pass it On,'. pp. 120-121. Even more clearly, "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age," pp. 62-63.) (Transcriber's note: I later found this quote in "Language of the Heart", p. 198 from a July 1953 Grapevine article: "In complete defeat, with no hope or faith whatever, I had made an appeal to a Higher Power. I had taken Step One of today's A.A. program-"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." I'd also taken Step Three - "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him." Thus was I set free. It was just as simple, yet just as mysterious, as that."

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step #4 Big Book Tape 5B-1

(Begin Side B of Tape 5)

Now that's what you used to be in the peat. You don't ever have to be that way again. He tore it in two, and threw it in the wastebasket .

I didn't learn a damn thing from that, because everything I wrote down, I already knew. (laughter) I learned nothing new from that at all. I really don't believe the fact that I was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma has anything to do with my alcoholism. I don't believe the fact that I graduated from Webster High School had anything to do with my alcoholism. I don't believe the fact that I worked for a certain company for a certain period of years had anything to do with my alcoholism. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff I wrote down in my life story had nothing to do with my alcoholism at all. Most of it was an absolute waste of time. But we didn't know any better.

So we said, well, there must be a better way. Some guy up in Minnesota began to write a Fourth Step inventory guide put out by a company called Hazelden. We got the Fourth Step inventory guide, and we tried to combine it with the Big Book, and we became more confused yet. A fellow down in Dallas, Texas wrote another one. So we took the Hazelden one, and the one from Dallas, Texas, and the Big Book, and we became more confused yet. Joe and I saw one up in Canada last year. Fourth Stop inventory guide, and I'll guarantee you, if you ain't crazy before you take it, if you use that one, you'll be nuttier than a fruitcake when you're done. (laughter)

All the time, the instructions have been in the book. but we didn't see them, because they're so simple. He didn't say these are the instructions: one, two, three, and four. Joe and I fooled with this thing for years. We had everybody writing their life story, because we didn't know any difference either. Maybe two or three years ago, this thing began to open up a little bit. We began to see some ideas on these next pages about Step Four. One day coming back from Florida we were in an airplane flying over Georgia. All of a sudden, it just seemed like it just jumped right out of the paper, and right out of the book. I took a piece of paper and I began to scribble some things on it. I handed it to Joe, and I said, Joe, what do you think about this? He said, my God, that's good! He made a few changes, and handed it back. He said, what do you think? I said, great! In about two or three hours, we saw how to do Step Four in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous."

There are certain things you've got to remember in order to understand it. First, Bill doesn't tell us anything directly. He teaches through parables. He uses examples to get his ideas across. Now, we know another teacher that did that, too. He lived a couple thousand years ago. In that book that talks about him, it talks about the ability of this great teacher to teach by using parables, by telling stories. He always told a story to whoever he was talking to based upon what he assumed that person knew. When he wanted to get a point across to fishermen, he

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64 Tape 5B-2

talked about fish. When he wanted to get a point across to shepherds, he talked about sheep. If he wanted to get a point across to a farmer, he talked about cattle and grain, et cetera.

Bill is going to do the same thing to you and us. He does it all the way through the book, but here is another prime example. We saw it when he talked about: we're like the passengers of a great liner the moment after shipwreck. (p. 17 par. 2) He made a point there with a story. Here he's going to do the same thing. If we can recognize that and look at a few key words, I think we can pick up on this inventory process very easy, and very simply. Let's see what he's done to us. He said:

(p. 64, par. 2) 'Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory.'

Now, let's look at the word inventory first. Again you go to the dictionary. You look up the word inventory, and we'll find that it's defined as a written fist of items. There's really no such thing as a mental inventory. An inventory is always a written flat of items. You may go in your kitchen. You may look around to see the groceries you've got and try to determine in your head what you need to buy at the store. Somebody said, what have you been doing. You say, well, I've been in there inventorying my foodstuffs. No, if you didn't make a written list of items, you didn't inventory. You were just in your kitchen looking around' was all you were doing. (laughter) So-if we define the word inventory, we automatically know that this is going to be a written fist of items. Okay, now, watch him close. He said:

(p. 64, par. 2) 'Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory.'

But immediately we change from a personal inventory, to business inventory. He said:

(p. 64, par. 2) 'This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke.'

We compare personal inventory to business inventory. That's the first comparison we make. You and I know that a business which takes no regular inventory will sooner or later go broke. Let's say we've got a business selling ladies purses, men's watches, shoes, whatever it might be. If we don't, once in a while, inventory what we've got in that store, we really don't know where we stand. We don't know what we've sold out of the store. Therefore, we don't know what to order to replace. We don't know what's been stolen from us, rather than what we sold to people. We don't know what's been damaged, perhaps by rain or other ways, and has become unsalable. We don't know what's gone out of style, and people no longer want to buy. So we don't know what to remove from the shelves to bring the new items in and put them in stock. If you operate a business without inventory, once in a while, sooner or later, you're going to go broke. I think we all could recognize that.

Well, you and I have got a business. You and I have what is probably the most important business in the world. That's the business of finding a way to live where we can find peace of mind, serenity, and happiness, and we don't have to drink

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64 Tape 5B-3

alcohol. Unless we take a regular inventory, we're probably going to go broke too. Going broke for us is to go back to drinking. Going broke for a business inventory is when they run out of money. But in our inventory, when we go broke in our business, it's going back to drinking. So we compare the words first, right there. The personal inventory or the business inventory, without a regular inventory the business will go broke. Our business of staying sober will fail. Now, watch him closely.

(p. 64, par. 2) 'Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding...'

Now, let's stop. Let's compare it with our Fourth Step inventory in the book. It said...we made "a searching," and in the commercial inventory he said "a fact-finding." Well, fact-finding and searching are identically the same thing. So your word comparison between the two statements would be: fact-finding and searching. Let's see what he says in the commercial inventory again. He said:

(p. 64, par. 2) '...a fact-finding and a fact-facing process.'

In our Step he said, we made a searching and fearless. Fearless and fact-facing mean exactly the same thing. This is the way Bill wrote. This is the way he writes...In the commercial inventory, he says:

(p. 64, par. 2) 'It is an effort to discover the truth...'

Now in our Fourth Step, it said we made a searching and fearless, moral inventory. I think there's where we went wrong. When we look at the word moral, we thought, there's that list of dirty, filthy, nasty things. Now, I'm not sure what all Bill Wilson knew, but there's one thing I know about this guy, he knew the English language. HQ knew what words to use when he wanted to use them. If he had wanted us to make a fist of dirty, filthy, nasty things as an inventory, he would have said, a searching and fearless amoral, or immoral inventory. He didn't say that. He said moral. We take moral, and we go to the dictionary. We find one definition of that word is truth. Moral and truth mean the same thing. In the business inventory, we're trying to discover the truth. In our personal inventory, we're trying to discover the truth. That's what moral means. Now, the truth about what? The truth about what? Well, in the commercial inventory, one object is:

(p. 64, par. 2) '...to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade.'

The truth about the stock-in-trade. 1n the business inventory, we know what the stock-in-trade is. The stock-in-trade is what's on the shelves. Whether it be ladies puree-, men's shoes, or whatever it might be, the stock-in-trade is what's in that store. When he goes in there to inventory, he wants to find out the truth about what's there. He wants to find out what has been stolen from me. He wants to find out what has been damaged so I can get rid of that, and make room on the shelves for usable items. He wants to find out what's become out of style and unsalable, and get rid of that so we can put the newer, usable,

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64 Tape 5B-4

saleable items back in. His inventory is to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade.

Now the comparable word in our Step is: we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, of ourselves. We are the only stock-in-trade we've got. The only thing we have to sell, is the way we think. Our stock-in-trade is our thought process. You and I all know that the way we think determines whether (we) stay sober or not. So our thoughts are our stock-in-trade. Look back at the commercial inventory. When he's looking for the truth about the stock-in-trade, he's interested in what's in his store today. What was in his store twenty years ago has nothing to do with whether he's going to go broke tomorrow or not. What's in his store that's going to be in there twenty years in the future has nothing to do with whether he goes broke tomorrow or not. What determines whether he goes broke tomorrow or not is what's on his shelves today.

You and I are the same way. Our stock in trade is our thinking. The way we think today will determine whether we go broke tomorrow or not. What was on my shelves up here in my head twenty years ago has nothing to do with whether I'm going to get drunk tomorrow or not. And what's going to be there twenty years in the future has nothing to do with whether I'm going to get drunk tomorrow or not. I will get drunk tomorrow or not based upon what's in my head today. We all know that stinkin' thinkin' leads to drinkin'. The way we think will determine whether we're going to stay sober tomorrow or not. Our stock-in-trade is our thoughts. We look at what's there right now, today.

There's three basic things that block us off from God's will, that will cause our business to go broke. One is resentment. One is fear. One is harms that I do to other people. So I'm going to look at my stock-in-trade on the three basic things that cause me to drink, that blocks me off from God's will. I'm going to look at the resentments that are in my head today. I'm going to look at the fears that are in my head today. I'm going to look at the harms I've done to other people. Maybe I can change those, and replace them for something better. The book says in this commercial inventory:

(p. 64, par. 2) 'One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.'

The goods in my head, the goods on my shelves, the stock-in-trade up there, man, they faulty as hell. They faulty as hell. Some of them are completely out of style. Some of them are damaged. Some of them are absolutely unsalable. The object of my inventory is to disclose those damaged and unsalable goods, and to get rid of them promptly and without regret. I don't need to look at my assets. Deep down in every-man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God. Every human being alive has aerates within them. What I've got to look at, is the liabilities that keep the assets from coming to the surface. I! I can find the liabilities and get them out of me, then the assets can come to

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64 Tape 5B-5

the surface. I can begin to live like o human being ought to be living. I'm looking for damaged and unsalable goods. My book said:

(p. 64, par. 3) 'We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly.'

We took a moral inventory.

(p. 64, par. 3) 'First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.'

A manifestation is nothing more than the outward indicator of something. You show me a selfish, self-centered human being, and I'll show you one that's madder than hell all the time. The world ain't treating them right. Damn 'em, they did this to them. Damn 'em they did that to them. Damn 'em and damn 'em, and they're always madder than hell all the time.

Show me a selfish, self-centered human being that little and I show you one that's full of fear all the time. You know, we alcoholics are just like little guy that used to be in Lit 'l Abner. In Lit 'l Abner they had a little fellow that ran around, and he had a rain cloud hanging over his head. Everywhere he went rain drops were falling on him, he just created catastrophe everywhere. His name was Joe Blitphig or smoothing like it. I'm just like him. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I know when it gets here, it sure ain't going to be worth a daunt A selfish, self-centered person is always operating on fear.

Show me a selfish, self-centered person, and I'll show you one that's always harming and hurting other people. Doing things to satisfy self that creates pain and suffering for other people. Then they retaliate, and create pain and suffering back. There are three common manifestations of self. If I can see them, and identify them, and see where they come from, then maybe I can do something about them.

I've always known that I operated on anger. I've always, always know that anger was a bad d-al for me, because it caused me to make decisions and take actions which hurt other people and in return hurt me. I've always tried to do something about it. I never could, because I never knew where it came from.

I've always operated on fear, I know that. I've always known that fear caused me to make decisions and take actions that hurt other people which in return hurt me. I've always tried to be free of fear, but I never could do anything about it because I didn't know where it came from.

I've always been doing things that hurt other people. I'd say I'm not ever going to do that again. I don't like to hurt people, never have wanted to. But I'd do it over and over and over, and I'd say I'm not going to do that any more. But I couldn't keep from doing it, because I didn't know what caused it in the first place.

My book is going to give me a way to see where it comes from. If I can see where it comes from, then maybe I can do something about its removal. Maybe I can do something about

Stop # 4 Big Book Page # 64 Tape 5B-6

keeping it from coming back in the future. We got a little inventory process which is so simple. Lot's start looking at the first primary thing that blocks us off from God's will.

(p. 64, par. 4) 'Resentment is the "number ones offender. J It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.'

Again we begin with resentment as the "number ones offender. In other words, our mind is blocked from God's will. which is within us. We've said our inner intelligence, our conscience is there, but it seemed to be blocked off from being used out into our mince, because our minds are full of resentments. The majority of the time this is the "number ones offender for most alcoholics. We got into the word resentment, and to understand these things. They are part of the human process. This is not any foreign thing. Everybody has this. It's the ability to--it comes from the word "re," once we see that on the front of a word, like repeat or replay, it means again, or do it over again. It comes from the word sentire, which means to feel. So resentment means to re-feel, to feel something over again. When someone does something to us, strikes self, we're hurt. It's a wrong, that's what that is. C On their part. J On their part, maybe. That's a wrong. We can't do anything about that. Once a person doe a us wrong, it hurts self. It strikes a part of self. Did he strike our security? Did he strike our sex life. Did he strike our self-esteem? Did he strike our pride? Did he strike our companionship? One part of self we" struck, and we are hurt. Now, that's not a resentment. That's a wrong. C On their part. J On their part. Once we are hurt, then we go back over in the next room, and replay the scene over again. I was standing there' always good! Doing nothing. (laughter) Act it out again. They came up and did this to me. Okay, that time it's a replay. They didn't do it. We did it to ourselves. It's to replay the scene over, to get to rehurt ourselves. One of the biggest things that enables me to get rid of resentment is the stupidity of the whole thing.

Each time we play this over, we increase the pain and hurt, until where it doesn't even reassemble what really happened in the beginning. And we replay it over and over and over until it gets worse and worse and worse. The other person seems to get meaner and meaner and meaner as we play it. And we seem to get better and better and better as we play it. And what we're doing is a game, a sick game, of accusing the other person, and excusing our own self in the situation, until where it's a complete lie.

The more we play this over, it finally produces the worst emotional illness an individual can have, because once you resent

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 5B-7

another person it like a boomerang. This is why resentment is the number one offender, because once you resent another person, or another situation, or institution, then you resent yourself for being in that position where it could have happened in the first place. Then that brings on the number one offender probably in all alcoholics' lives, which is self-resentments, which is self-pity.

We love that one. We wear that role with a robe of dignity. (laughter) We love that. If you want to make an alcoholic mad, you try to feel sorry for him. He gets heartless mad, because he said, that's my job. (laughter) We see ourselves as the victim of society.

It's sort of like--Charlie and I were talking--it's sort of like watching the football games. In the Superbowl, we saw a guy get hit. It was looking pretty bad. They picked him up and carried the guy off, and put some ice on him. But the old announcer isn't satisfied with that. He said, let's look at that again. So he gets out his video replay machine. We look at it, and the second time it looks a lot worse than it originally was.

We alcoholics have a video recorder. We get up every morning. We turn it on, and tune it in brilliant colon We record everything wrong with everything that we see. Don't record the good stuff. Then we come home at night, and replay it, and make ourselves sick, and blame it on them. (laughter) And this is a lie'

This is a lie. There's no way that God can direct a life, or mind. Deep down within everyone, everyone of us, we have that conception of God. We know what's right. We know all of these great things. But we're blocked off from that, because of this predominance of doing this resentment. We've been doing these things so long, till this has become a part of our thought processes. In order to get rid of this, we're going to have to sit down and fist our resentments.

Another key word in this thing, one of the most key words in Step Four--we always talk about writing them down, but that doesn't help that much. One of the key things is we're going to fist AND ANALYZE these resentments. (p. 70, par. 4) If we can list them and analyze them, and see the damage and effect of them, and see what their good for, and see how stupid they are, we can get rid of these things. So this is what the inventory is all about, to fist and analyze these things that have been blocking us off from God. We begin with the simple process.

There's an illustration on page sixty-five of how to do your resentments. The reason we haven't been able to use this illustration--and it's been right here all these years, this is the simplest was to take an inventory--but the reason we can't use this inventory on page sixty-five is because it's already filled out. (laughter) How did he fill it out? You know, that's what confuses Us !

What we're going to propose here, this is not a new inventory system. I think that is one of the least things we need around A.A. is another inventory. (laughter) Surly I hope nobody

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 65 Tape 5B-8

goes away and says, Charlie and Joe have created an inventory. This is not. This is page sixty-five blank. That's all it is, just blank.

We're going to try to fill it out, and show you how simple it is to do it. You can do it in one night! Don't take three months. (laughter) We've got people doing the inventory, out of the Big Book, who have been sober for three weeks, doing a fine job, three or four weeks, doing a beautiful inventory, if we do it out of the Big Book. The most simple--this is the way the first one hundred people took their inventory.

Now you remember, they were very confused, sick, chronic alcoholics. I'm sure glad--no reflection--but I would have hated to see one of those first one hundred people with a Hazelden inventory guide. He'd have been in bad shape, the kind of head they had. (laughter) They had to have something easier than that. So let's look and see how to fill out the inventory in the Big Book. C First thing we would ask you to do, if you look on page sixty-five. You notice there's three columns. The (first) column is 'I' m resentful at. 'The second column is 'The Cause. 'The third column is 'Affects my. 'If you'll notice how I've placed it up here on the screen, you can't see the fourth column which is on your sheet. So we would ask you now to fold your fourth column under, where you can't see it. We're going to use it a couple pages later. J just have these...three columns, and these are the same three columns that you'll see on page sixty-five. C The only thing that we have done is, in that third column, we've taken self, and we've divided it up into subcolumns, using the

same terms Bill has used in the Big Book. Under that self column, we put first the social instinct. Under that we have self-esteem and personal relationships. In the self column, the next one is security instinct. Under that we have material and emotional. The third column we have sex instinct. Under that we have acceptable and hidden sex relations.

Many of us have an acceptable sex life in our marriages, within our homes. Society looks on that with approval. We're not concerned with that. But also many of us have a hidden sex relation on the aide. We really don't want anybody to find out about that. So we keep that hidden. We're just as upset if there's a threat to one of them as there is to the other. You mess around between me and my wife, and I'm going to be madder than hell. But if you mess around between me and my girlfriend, I'm going to get just as mad, too. So we have two kinds of sexual relationships. Those we don't mind people knowing about, and those that we try to keep hidden.

Also, in all three areas you have certain ambitions. Everybody has ambitions under the social instinct, to want to be recognized. Everybody has ambitions under security, to get more property, to get more this and that. Everybody has certain ambitions in their sexual life, planning and maneuvering in order to get things the way we want it for the future. If you threaten my

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64-65 Tape 5B-9

ambitions, I'm just as mad as if you threaten what I've already got. So we're going to look at these things exactly the way Bill says to do it in the book. Now, the instructions are there. J And also remember, if you notice--be sure to notice this third column here--these are the things that make up self. They are exactly the same things that you were looking at on that sheet...self has been superimposed. These are on the inventory. The third column is self. C Okay, the last paragraph on page sixty-four says:

(p. 64, par. 4) 'Resentment is the "number ones offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.'

Now again, this should lay to rest forever the idea of whether we're going to take a written inventory or a mental inventory. If we're going to take an inventory the way the Big Book says, if we're going to set these resentments on paper, we're going to have to have a sheet of paper. We're going to have to have a pencil, a pen, a typewriter, a paintbrush, a computer. Some way we've got to put these things down on paper, a written fist of items. There's a reason for that, and we'll see it in just a little while.

Now, the first instruction for the filling out of the sheet on page sixty-five is this:

(p. 64, par. 4) 'We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry.'

Column one is: 'I'm resentful at. 'We begin at the top of that column. We make a complete fist of the people, that's self-explanatory; the institutions, that's such things as the police department, the Internal Revenue Service, the post office, the army, all those things we get so upset with and principles with whom we are angry. Principles are such things as The Ten Commandments. One principle is "what goes up must come down." "Whatever you give out, that's what you get back." I've heard those things all my life, and they'd just make me literally vomit when I would hear them. We make our flat of those things. This is very important, that we make the fist from top to bottom. Our mind is on one thing, and one thing only. J What do we recent. C If we try to go from left to right, we would have to take each resentment and then say, well, what's the cause, and then which part of self is affected? You do that with about three of them, and your head just gets so fouled up, you're lost. But everybody knows who they're mad at. You don't have to be sober very long to know that. I've never seen an alcoholic yet that doesn't know who they're mad at.

If you can't write, you lust simply ask somebody to help you. You give them the name and they write it down for you. You don't have to be very smart to do this either. It doesn't take long , sobriety, nor does it take exceptional intelligence. Anybody can

Step # 4 Big Book Page #- 64-65 Tape 5B-10

take this inventory the way the Big Book says to take it. We very carefully construct that list from top to bottom.

Bill, in his list, he said, I'm resentful at Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, my employer, my wife. He listed four. I'm sure he had more than that. He just didn't want to take up more room in the Big Book. On your sheet, you've got eight places. I'm sure that all of you can get all of you're resentments on that one sheet. (laughter) I couldn't do that. I think I had a hundred and sixty-two by the time I got done. J One column. C I was absolutely amazed by filling out that one column. I knew that anger gave me a problem. I knew that anger controlled me to a certain extent. But I didn't really realized how much it controlled me until I put this list down on paper. You see, the mind can only see one thing at a time. I could only see one person, one institution, or one principle at one time. But when I got them all down on a sheet of paper, 1 was absolutely amazed. Hell, I was mad at everything. There wasn't a thing in the world that I was satisfied with. I was mad at everybody I knew. I was mad at every institution I could think of. And I was mad at all principles. No wonder anger dominated my life. I was absolutely amazed when I put this down. I learned something very positive when I filled out the first column. Now then, let's look at the next instruction. Instruction two is:

(p. 64, par. 4) 'We asked ourselves why we were angry.'

We go to the second column, the cause of the anger. At the side of each name we write down why we ware angry at them, from top to bottom. Always top to bottom, keeping our mind on one thing only, why am I mad at this particular person, this -particular institution, and this particular principle? You can't be mad unless you got a reason. Not only do we know who we're mad at, but we know why we're mad at them, too. I've never seen an alcoholic that didn't know why they're mad at some particular thing. It doesn't take very long to make the list, and you don't have to be smart. Anybody can do it (who) has been sober just a few days.

Now let's look at what Bill did in column two. (p. 65) He's mad at Mr. Brown. Now the reason he mad at Mr. Brown is because of Brown's attention to my wife. He told my wife of my mistress. Brown might get my job at the office. You know, I don't really blame him. I'd be a little upset with Brown under these circumstances also. He's mad at Mrs. Jones. She's a nut--she snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking. He's my friend and she's a gossip. He's mad at his employer. He's unreasonable--unjust--overbearing. He's probably saying, say Jim where were you on Monday by the way. (laughter) He threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account. He's mad at his wife. She misunderstands and nags. And she likes old Brown. She wants the house put in her name. You tie together the fact that she likes Brown and wants the house put in her name, and it time to begin to be upset about this deal. (laughter) Very carefully we write the cause down at the aide of each one of

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 64-65 Tape 5B-11

these resentments.

When I finished the Sonoco column, again I was absolutely amazed. I suddenly realized. It's not the people I'm mad at. It's not the institution I'm mad at. It's not the principle I'm mad at. What I'm mad at is what they did. That's what I'm mad at: it's column two. But I couldn't write column two, till I wrote column one. I could take Mr. Brown out of here and put Mr. Green in. I'd be just as mad at Green. I could talk Mrs. Jones out of here and put in Mrs. Pumpernickel, and I'd be just as mad at her if she did the same thing. I suddenly realized, it's not the people I'm mad at. It's what they did that's got me upset, another very positive thing for me to learn. I finished column two. Now, let's look for the next instruction.

(p. 64, par. 4 p. 65, par. 1-2) 'In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambition-, our personal relationships (top of p. 65) (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."

'On our grudge list we sat opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sox relations, which has been interfered with?'

It would be impossible for me to be upset with you, and mad at you if you didn't threaten one of my basic instincts of life. (social, security, or sexual) If you threaten what I've already got, or 1f you threaten what I want to get in the future, then I'm going to get upset with you, and I'm going to get pretty mad. But I can't be mad at you unless you have become a threat to one of these three things. (social instinct, security instinct, or sexual instinct)

So I take the first column (under the) social instinct, self-esteem. I go down that column from top to bottom. I look at each thing. I say, is it a threat to my self-esteem, what I think of me? If it is, I put a check mark there. Then I go to the second column (under social instinct.) Is it a threat to my personal relationships? If it is, I put a cheek mark there. Then I go to the security columns, and work down material security, and emotional security. Then I work down acceptable sex and then down hidden sex. I work each ambition column. (social ambition, security ambition, and sexual ambition), always going from top to bottom.

You know, when I got through with that column, I suddenly realized. It's not what they did which has got me upset: it's my reaction based on self which has me upset. For the first time in my life I could see where my anger comes from. I can do nothing about it until I know where it comes from. For the first time I see where it's coming from. It's really not you. It's really not what you do. It's my reaction, based upon self, a threat to one of these basic instincts of life. I know that's absolutely true. Because some days you can do it to me, and if I'm right, it just slides right off my beck like water off a cluck's back. It doesn't bother me at all. Other days you do it to me, and if I'm wrong, look out, I'm going right through the roof. I'm going to blow my stack. So I realize it's really not you, nor what you do. It's my

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 65-66 Tape 5B- 12

reaction based on self.

For the first time in my life, I could understand where anger comes from. Now that I know where it comes from, there's a possibility I might be able to do something about it. But I never could before. I always tried to control it. Never, never, never, could I do that.

Let's look and see what Bill did in this third column. In column three: affects my. He's upset with Mr. Brown because of Brown's attention to my wife. Now that's a threat to his sex relations. After all if she gets to fooling with old Brown and finds out Brown's better than Bill, she may cut Bill off at home. It's a threat to his self-esteem. What are other people going to think about me if my wife get s to fooling around with Brown and it becomes common knowledge. He's also mad at Brown because Brown told my wife of my mistress. Boy, you talk about screwed up sex relations. As soon as my wife found out about this, she just cut me off at home, right then--bing. That isn't all she did. She went over and got hold of that mistress, and she just raised all kinds of hell with her. Now, by God, she's cut me off too. I've got no sex relations in either area, either acceptable or hidden.

Again it's a threat to my self-esteem. I've been passing myself off as an upstanding member of the community. I go to church on Sunday. I pay my taxes. I'm a leader of the Boy Scouts, and I even teach Sunday school once in a while. All of a sudden everybody in the neighborhood found out about me and this mistress that's hidden over here on the Bide. Man, what are they going to think about me now?

He's also upset with Brown because Brown might get his job at the office. Now, that's a threat to my security. If Brown gets my job and I've got no income, then I have nothing to drink on. I've got nothing to support a mistress on the side on. I'm in a hell of a shape. Also it's a threat to my self-esteem. I've had that job for twenty years. Now Brown has undercut me, and he's going to take my job away from me. What are people going to think about me now, when that happens to me?

I can see every time exactly why I'm upset with those people. If I do it, and do it as the Big Book says, I've learned three things. Number one: How much anger controls me. Number two: It's not what they did, but my reaction based on self. Number three: always, always knowing that it comes from the basic instincts of life. When I've learned those things, I've learned an awful lot about me. I'm already beginning to analyze resentments to find out what I can do with these things in the future. Joe? J Okay, if we have followed these directions, and we move on:

(p. 65, last par. p. 66, par. 1) 'We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent (top of p. 66) was that this world and its people were often quite wrong.'

We always have known that, so that's no new information. C We have no quarrel with those words on sixty-five. Where it

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 66 Tape 5B-13

says, 'We went back through our lives. 'Because what we've done is we've looked at our resentments that are in our head today. What's on the shelf today. Those resentments that are up there today, they didn't come just today. Those resentments stem from things that have happened to me throughout my entire lifetime. Some of them came from what you did last week, and some last month, and some last year, and some fifteen years ago, and some twenty and thirty and forty and fifty, depending on how old we are. So we have gone back through our lives as far as resentments are concerned. They're in our head today, but they were placed there throughout our entire lifetime. J (p. 66, par. 1) 'To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.'

Usually that's as far we got with it.

(p. 66, par. 1) 'The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.'

We haven't gone far enough with these resentments. We've just played them over. We never sat down to really look at them.

(p. 66, par. 2) 'It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. 'C You know, I looked at that statement, and I looked at those resentments. I looked to see how much time that I had squandered in resentments. I was absolutely amazed again. My favorite thing, when I was drinking, was to get up in the morning and have a drink of whiskey and a cup of coffee, and turn on my resentment machine, and replay what those suckers did to me yesterday, last week, last year, five years ago, ten years ago, fifteen and twenty and thirty. I could sit there. I could consume an hour in that every morning, and I Just loved it.

When I got through running them all through my resentment machine, I'd have another drink of coffee and another drink of whiskey, and cup of coffee. Then I would turn on my get even machine. And say, yeah, when that sucker does that to me again, this is what I'm going to do, and they're going to do that, and I'm going to do this, then I'm going to lay it on them. I'm going to show them. I just loved to do that.

I've spent literally thousands and thousands and thousands of hours in resentments. I believe today that that time was absolutely squandered. I could do nothing while I was resenting. Resentment actually paralyzed me. To the best of my ability today as I look back at them, I don't see that they ever did me any good whatsoever. You know, I never made a nickel doing it. It never did give me any peace of mind. It never did straighten up a relationship with another human being. As far as I can tell, it was absolutely squandered time. Now, that's bad. We've only got a certain amount of allotted time here anyhow. Mine is beginning to become shorter and shorter and shorter. I don't want to waste any

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 66 Tape 5B- 14

more of it. I want to be peaceful, happy, and serene. I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't intend to squander any more hours in resentments.

Now, that's a bad deal, but that's not the real problem. Here'. the real problem with a resentment.

(p. 66, par. 2) 'But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance-and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.'

When harboring resentment we have effectively blocked our mind off from God's will. We're shut off from the sunlight of the Spirit. Now the result of that is that:

(p. 66, par. 2) 'The insanity of alcohol returns...'

(End of Side B of Tape 5)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 66 Tape 6A-1 (Side A of Tape 6)

Remember insanity is to believe a lie. The old mind wants to feel better. The mind begins to say, I know something that would make me feel better. If I had just one drink of it, it'd be alright. It says, by Golly, anybody that's been sober ninety days could surly have two. It says, anybody that's been sober ninety-one days owes himself a couple drinks. And all of a sudden, it just goes zap. It refuses to remember the suffering of the last drunk. (p. 24, par. 2) It tells us, that it's okay to drink. We believe we can drink, and that's a lie. But we take the drink, and we trigger the allergy. We can't stop drinking. You see a resentment causes us to drink. That's the main thing wrong with it.

(p. 66, par. 2-4) 'And with us, to drink is to die.

'If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

'We turned back to the list...'

Now you see that's why you've got to have a written inventory. If you didn't have a written inventory, you wouldn't have any fist to turn back to. You would have already lost it out of your head. So now we're going to turn back to the list,

(p. 66, par. 4) '...for it held the key to the future.'

The fist that I just made, holds the key to my future.

(p. 66, par. 4) 'We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle.'

Always before, I looked at it to see where you were wrong. Now when I look at it, I'm looking at it to see that it's going to cut me off from the sunlight of the Spirit, and it's going to cause me to drink. For me to drink is to die. It's no longer a question of whether a resentment is justified or not. It's no longer a question of who's right and who's wrong. The only thing in my mind today regarding a resentment is what does it do to me. If it blocks me off from the sunlight of the Spirit, and causes me to drink, by Golly, I don't want it in my head anymore. Whether you're right, or I'm right is absolutely beside the point. I'm going to look at it from an entirely different angle.

(p. 66, par. 4) 'We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us.'

I stopped, and I thought about that. I thought, oh my God! Here I am, the guy that's always been proud of the fact that I stand on my own two feet. I run-my own show, and nobody tells me what to do. I suddenly realized that other people have been telling me what to do all my life through my resentments toward them. They determined how I thought. When they determined how I thought, they determine what my actions are going to be. They determined my life. I never did have control of lt. I always thought I did. Other people had it, through my resentments toward them. When I realized that, I thought, oh Jesus Christ, some of those people have been dead, and in the damn graveyard for twenty or thirty years. They've been reaching out from the grave, and

Step # Big Book Page # 66-67, 551 (also 14) Tape 6A-2

they've had me by the yang-yang all my life. (laughter) I didn't know that.

When I realized that, I said, I'm through with that. I'm not going to let those people live in my head, rent free, anymore. -I'm going to get rid of that jazz. If I don't get rid of it, sure as anything, God can't direct my thinking. They will still direct it. As long as I resent them, they have control of my thinking. I want God to direct my thinking, not other people.

(p. 66, par. 4) 'In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.'

You see, they stem from self-will. They stem from a God given thing in the first place. I can't get rid of them, I can't get them away, any more than I could self-will. Only God has the power to take these things away.

(p. 66, par. 4 p. 67, par. 1) 'This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. (top of p. 67) Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too.'

And they really are. You know, everybody has self-will. The finest, finest, finest spiritual person in the world, from time to time, operate. on self-will. They do those things based upon their basic instincts of life, and they're sick, just like I am.

(p. 67, par. 1) 'We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."'

Now, I hear over, and over, and over about the Third Step prayer (p. 63, par. 2) and the Seventh Step prayer. (p. 76, par. 2) I never hear about the Fourth Step prayer. Never hear about the Fourth Step prayer. If I want to get rid of a resentment, when I finally have realized what it does to me, and now that I want to get rid of it, it seems as though, the only way I can is to pray for those that I resent. My God, this is hard to do.

(p. 14, par. 2) 'Simple but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness.'

There's a fine example of how we can use prayer to overcome resentments back on page 551 in the book. Let's look at it for Just a moment. Let's see what this particular person did. If you happen to have a second edition 'that would be on page 560. But for the third edition, it's 551. J It'. in Freedom From Bondage. She says:

(p. 551, par. 4) 'I've had many spiritual experiences since I've been in the program, many that I didn't recognize right away, for I'm slow to learn and they take many guises. But one was so outstanding that I like to pass it on whenever I can in the hope that it will help someone else as it has me. As I said earlier, self-pity and resentment were my constant companions and my inventory began to look like a thirty-three year diary, for I seemed to have a resentment against everybody I had ever known.

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 551-552 Tape 6A-3

All but one "responded to the treatments suggested in the Steps immediately, but this one posed a problem.'

You know p as we go down and fist our resentments, and analyze thee, and look at them and see the truth of them, the truth, a moral inventory. Once we see the truth of them, and see what's going on, and how stupid they are, we will get rid of ninety percent of them. Ninety-nine percent of them will leave us. This is what's so positive about taking the inventory out of the Big Book. The inventory gets rid of the resentments. Because we see ourselves as big, smart people. When we see what we're doing, how stupid it is, we get rid of these resentments. Some of these, once we analyze thee, they leave us. Others will not leave us. They will stay. These are deep resentments. On the deep resentments, we have to use prayer on those. Look how she worked at this one.

(p. 551, par. 5; p. 552, par. 1-3) 'It was against my mother and it was twenty-five years old. I had fed it, fanned it and nurtured it as one might a delicate child, and it had become as much (top of p. 552) a part of me as my breathing. It had provided me with excuses for my lack of education, my marital failures, personal failures, inadequacy, and of course, my alcoholism and, though I really thought I had been willing to part with it, now I knew I was reluctant to let it go.

'One morning, however, I realized I had to get rid of it, for my reprieve was running out, and if I didn't get rid of it I was going to get drunk--and I didn't want to get drunk any more. In my prayers that morning I asked God to point out to me some way to be free of this resentment. During the day a friend of mine brought me some magazines to take to a hospital group I was interested in, and I looked through them and a "banner" across the front of one featured an article by a prominent clergyman in which I caught the word "resentment."

'He said, in effect: "If you have a resentment you want to be fret of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you recent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two week- and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love. "'C From past experience, let me tell you something. If you've got a resentment that you don't want to get rid of, for God's sake don't pray about it. (laughter) Because if you do, you're probably going to get rid of it.

I had a resentment against a fellow that I hated his guts with a purple passion. I would gladly have killed him. I really believe I would if I could have figured a way to do and not go to prison over it. When I went to this "sage of my program, this

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6A-4

thing began to bug me, Just like this lady talks about here. I'll never forget. I went to my sponsor, and told him what was going on. He said, Charlie, you got to get rid of that resentment. I said, I don't want to. He said, I didn't ask you whether you wanted to or not. He said, if you don't get rid of it, it's going to kill you. It's going to cause you to go back to drinking. I said, how do you get rid of it. He took me to this very same example, and showed it to me. He said, read this, and then go home and pray for this fellow.

I'll never forget. I went home. I got down on my knees, which I very seldom did in those days, and I began to pray for this guy. I said, God, I want you to give that son of a bitch everything he deserves. (laughter) That was the only prayer I could say for him that day. It really we". But I found myself, two or three days later, beginning to say, God, let that fellow have in his life what I want in mine. I began to find myself giving him the peace of mind and serenity and happiness, that I seek for myself. I really don't know when it happened, but some three, four, five days after that, I woke up one morning. I suddenly realized that I don't resent that guy anymore. The damn thing had disappeared, and it's never come back. He and I see each other on the streets, and we shake hands with each other. We visit in each other's homes, and we've become good friends again. It really does work. I

Just think, here's an old mind that's been filled with resentments all of its life, as far back as I can remember. Suddenly these things are gone. One of the laws of nature is that we don't have any such things as vacuums and voids. Something always goes in, and rushes in to fill up a vacuum or a void. If these resentments have disappeared from my head, then something has to take their place. My personality cannot be a zero. If the resentments are gone, then something has to take their place. The only thing that can take the place of a resentment is maybe, just maybe, I might find a little bit of love, a little bit of compassion, a little bit of patience and tolerance! a little bit of understanding for another human being. It just might be that in that part of my head I might find a little peace of mind and serenity and happiness. It just might be that now resentments are gone, God can enter that pert of my head, and begin to direct my thinking.

My God, this is great! This is great. This is positive. There's nothing negative about this at all. But it would do me no good to get rid of all the resentments if I didn't know how to keep them from coming back in the future. Because if I didn't know how to prevent it in the future, then tomorrow I'd have another one. Just as sure as anything, somebody's going to threaten self. And then the next day another and another and another, and before I know it, I'm blocked off from God's will again. So not only do I need to get rid of them, but I need to know how to keep them from coming back. Now let's look at the fourth column on your sheet. Let's go to the third paragraph on page sixty-seven.

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 67 Tape 6A-5

J Okay, we fill out the fourth column.

(p. 67, par. 3) 'Referring to our fist again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs other had done...'

Just forget about those first two columns.

(p. 67, par. 3) '...we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.'

There's no way that in each and every role of a resentment (that it was all their fault). Every time, almost in every case (that) we have a resentment, we had some involvement with that in the peat. We played a role. It wasn't just that person's fault. What role did we play? I had never looked at that. In fact, that was the reason I was blaming them.

(p. 67, par. 3) 'Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?'

These are the things that caused--these were our involvement's in the resentment.

(p. 67, par. 3) 'Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to sat these matters straight.'

In each resentment, something within me is involved. I had never looked at this in my life. I was perfect. I had nothing to do with it. It was what they did. I had never even looked at this. One of the greatest examples of it in my life, one of my most bitter resentments, I had a very deep resentment against my mother-in-law. A lot of people, they say it's legal or something, but I really had. I mean it was a biggie. I had decided that when we got into these resentments, this one--I loved this one so well, that I wasn't even going to tell anybody that I had it. I didn't want them messing with that one, because that was one I was going to carry to the box.

But it finally became a time in my life that I had to sit down and inventory this resentment. So I put down her name, and I put down what she did. She had interfered with, and broke up my marriage, I said. This is the way I looked at it at that time. She did, she hurt every part of self. She affected my self-esteem. She affected my personal relations. She affected my material security, my emotional security. She affected my sex life. She affected all the ambitions. Every part of self r she hurt. Boy, I had a deep resentment.

Finally, you know, I was able to look at that fourth column. What role, what did you do? Oh, nothing. (laughter) When I looked at that, I saw the selfishness, the dishonesty, self-seeking, and the frightened. I saw what I had done to her daughter, and her grand kids for the first time, and how I had hurt that woman, and how the things she did, she did only the natural things to protect. She retaliated against me. I set the ball a-rolling. It was strictly my fault. What I had done all those years was excuse my involvement, and blame it on her. I never would have seen that until I sat down and listed and analyzed that resentment. Once I

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6A-6

was able to do that, then she came off of the resentment list. She went on the list that I'm supposed to be making for Step Eight, because I'm doing that when I'm taking the inventory. This was a person that I really owed an amends.

Most of the people I resented, I had done something to them. They retaliated against me, and I was mad. I had set the ball a-rolling. But I had always--resentment is a good way to excuse your involvement. That's why we do it so much, and cover up what we have done, and put the blame on other people.

For the first time if we have done this, to this extent, we have completed the resentments. This part, this inventory on resentments, if it's used thoroughly, our minds should be completely free of resentments, if we could do it one hundred percent, which we can't. We have all this information listed. We have the Step Four information, in the first two columns. We have which part of self was involved. We talked about self in Step Three, and the third column deals with self. In the fourth column we've got the character defects. We've got the information for Steps Five, Six and Seven in the fourth column. We also have a list of people we have hurt for Step Eight which we're going to work on for Step Nine. So if we have used this sheet, as the Big Book says use it, in the area of our resentments, we have the information for Steps Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine laid out in front of us. We have completed an inventory as the Big Book says to do it. We have also eliminated, our minds should be resentment free at this point.

Step Four is a very positive, it's eliminating, a growth Step. It's a personality change that's taken place as a result of these Steps. As Charlie says, our old ideas are already being cast aside. (p. 27, par. 5) New things begin to come into our minds, and we've just completed one third of the inventory process. When we come back, I guess we're going to begin on the next area to inventory (which) is fear. C We've got to be again willing to change our understanding of some words. That fourth column says, what is the exact nature of my wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects, or shortcomings? We've already seen where the wrong in this case is the resentment. It's incorrect judgement of another human being. What's the nature of that resentment though? I always thought that nature dealt with birds and bees. Again I had to go back to the dictionary. I see that a definition of nature ii: the inherent characteristic of something. What is the core of something? What's the inherent characteristic of this resentment? What's the core of it? Where did it come from?

I begin to see that as a practicing alcoholic, as a sick human being, as one who ran on self-will, that I had developed a certain kind of personality. That personality I had developed was selfish, was dishonest, was self-seeking and frightened, was inconsiderate of other human beings. Because of that kind of personality, I continually put myself in positions that hurt other people. It caused them to retaliate against me. I can begin to see that if I don't change that old kind of personality I'm

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6A-7

going to continue to do those same things in the future. I'm going to hurt those people, and they're going to continue to retaliate, and I'm going to continue to resent.

We're going to find as we go through the book, that Bill used these terms interchangeably. It didn't make any difference to him whether you call them a wrong, a fault, a mistake, a defect, or a shortcoming. We'll see as we go through the book that he used these terms interchangeably. They -11 are indicators of the old type personality that we were. Now, if we can change that, we can become different people. Then maybe we can live resentment free.

You know, this fellow I hated so bad. His name was Vic. I had him on this fist of the causes because he and I were partners, and he absconded with the funds. By God, I hated him for that. Threatened all my instincts of life. I would have gladly have killed him. But when I put him on here, and filled out those three columns, now I can go from left to right. I looked at Vic, and I looked at the cause of the resentment. I looked at the part of self that was affected. Then I looked to see what part I had played. What's the nature of this thing? I begin to see based on my selfishness, based upon my inconsideration of another human being, that I put myself in that position.

You see, I went to him and asked him to be my partner, not because I wanted to help Vic, but because Vic had something I needed. He had some information I didn't have. He had some money I needed awful bad. I conned Vic into being my partner. Then when he absconded with the funds, I put everything on Vic. Now, I'm not saying what he did was right. But if I hadn't been so selfish, and so inconsiderate of another human being, I wouldn't have put myself in that posit ion to start with.

My wife Barbara was on here. Oh my God, I love her today, but I hated her guts back in those days. The reason I hated her was because Barbara had filed for divorce three times the last year I drank. Hell, she was spending more money on lawyers than I was spending on booze. (laughter) Every time they'd serve those papers on me, and run me out of my own home, that was a threat to every basic instinct of life. I hated her for doing that. But then when I analyzed it and read it all the way, and looked to see the part that I played, I began to see based on my selfishness, on my dishonesty, on my inconsideration for Barbara and my children, that I was doing things that I shouldn't have been doing. I got caught at it. Then Barbara filed for divorce. That created pain and suffering for me. I hated her guts for doing it.

You know, to my amazement :, I found that there was not a resentment on this list that I had not done something to start the ball rolling, placed myself in that position, and then they retaliated against me, then I hated them for doing it. You see, you've got to be able to do this if you're a practicing alcoholic. I don't believed we could live with the things that we do while drinking if we didn't have the ability to transfer the

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6A-8

blame to other people. In transferring the blame to other people through my resentment toward them, they become worse and worse, and I become better and better, until eventually I'm just as pure as the driven snow. (laughter) Now I know why I love resentments. God, I know why I loved them, because it was a way of getting the blame put on other people, and taking it off of my own back. I didn't have to look at me.

Even when people have done something to us, that we have no part in it, and they did it all their own, if we were not so inconsiderate of them, we could still forgive them for doing it. If we weren't so frightened, we could still forgive them for doing lt. If we weren't so selfish, we could still forgive them for doing it. We don't have to have resentment. I don't care what happened to you as a kid growing up. You don't have to resent anymore, because there's a way to look at them, analyze them, and get rid of them.

With that comes the most awesome responsibility that I've ever had in my life. Beforehand I could do nothing about a resentment, because I didn't know where it came from, and I didn't know how to get rid of it. But today I do. I know where they come from. I know how to get rid of them, and I know how to keep them from coming back in the future. If I resent you today, it's because I have chosen to resent you. It's not because of what you do. It's because I've let it happen to me. If I get a resentment, it's my fault. It's not yours. I can no longer blame it on other people, because now I know what to do with it. I can live the rest of my life resentment free if I wish to do that. But God will allow me to hold on to them. He'll allow me to mull them around in my head for as long as I want. He'll allow me to go back to drinking. He'll let me die from my disease if that's what I chose to do. But I don't have to do that.

A resentment is not always bad. Resentments are what make us competitive. Resentments are sometimes what makes the human race survive. The leader of the group, whatever the group is, needs to be the beat leader. The guy that gets to be the leader everybody else resent him. (laughter) They start trying to tear him down. If he's weak enough to be torn down, then a stronger one will come to the top of the heap. That's one of the laws, too.

For instance let's say, I'm living in the neighborhood. Joe fovea this story. (laughter) I'm living in the neighborhood, and everybody in the neighborhood's old houses are run down. Everything needs painting, porches falling down. I'm sitting on my porch. I'm rocking, rocking, rocking, and I'm happy. Somebody moves in across the street. They go down to the store and they buy ten gallons of paint. They paint their house. I resent the hell out of that. (laughter) I say, who the hell they are, moving into this neighborhood, going to ruin the whole neighborhood. (laughter) I resent them for doing that. If I use that resentment right, it would cause me to look at my house. Then I would go buy some paint. Then I would paint my house. Then the next door neighbor to me would do the same thing. After a while, God has repainted that whole neighborhood. (laughter)

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 67 Tape 6A-9

But we alcoholics don't use it right. We'll sit on that porch, and we'll rock, and we'll rock, and we'll resent, and we'll hate. About two weeks later, I'll go over there and burn his damn house down, as sure as anything. (laughter) But through our process, we can learn to differentiate between a good resentment and a bad resentment. We can use these things to do better, to help ourselves become better people. So we in turn can be of more benefit to God and those about us.

We'll look at the other two parts of self in the morning. We'll look a little bit at fear, and then we're going to look at sex. We both got a headache today. We're really tired, and we don't feel like having sex this evening. (laughter) Let's all get a good night's rest, and we'll have sex on Sunday morning. (laughter) (applause) (Charlie tells the "Sure is dark in here !" joke)

J My name is Joe. I'm a real alcoholic.

Hi, Jo. J Through God's grace and because of this program works each day of my life. It hasn't been necessary to take a drink since March of 1962, and for this I'm grateful.

As we began yesterday on our inventory, I know we've got 8 lot of people that are resentment free this morning. (laughter) They worked their way through these old resentments. I think as we went through the inventory process, we learned there are a lot of things that go on here. We learned by doing the inventory as laid out in the Big Book. It's a process of training ourselves for the rest of our lives. From now and for the rest of our lives, we'll be setting ourselves up now for the rest of the Steps. Step Four sets us up for Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and even Ten. Because now for the rest of our lives when we have a resentment, all we have to do is stop, and say, what is this resentment? What is the cause of it? Which part of self is involved? Which character defect was in me that caused it? And immediately we can process it though our minds on a daily basis, and get rid of any resentment that we have.

Not only do we get rid of our old ones in Step Four, (we learn) a process that we can use on a daily basis for the rest of our lives. We can live resentment free, through Steps Four and Ten, which actually Ten is going to be the same thing. We have learned this in our minds. By going through this, we have programmed ourselves to do this on a daily basis.

Now, since we've learned the process, we're going to take the same process and use the same identical thing on our fears. It begins on fear at the bottom of page sixty-seven.

(p. 67, par. 4) 'Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives.'

And today, just like we say (about) resentment. these things

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 67-68 Tape 6A-10

are part of the human process. They are part of us, and it's all how to get these thing down, and to have them in the right extent in our lives. Fear is a part of every human life. If we didn't have fear, we couldn't live one day. Fear protects us. Fear is caution. We couldn't cross the street without fear. We couldn't drive an a automobile . We couldn't even have this meeting without fear. We couldn't get along with people without fear.

In fact, if we took all the fear out of this room, it would be a catastrophe. First thing everybody else would tell the other person what they thought about them. (laughter) You know, that would be bad. So fear is a part of life. We're not trying to get rid of fear. We need it. It's a useful thing. It's God given. If we have anything bad, it's how we use these things.

Now we're going to do the same thing with fear. We're going to look at these fears, fist them, and analyze them, and try to put this thing in the right perspective.

(p. 67, par. 4) 'It was an evil and corroding thread:-the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves...'

It begins, actually the same as resentments. Fear begins with a character defect within us.

(p. 67, par. 4 p. 68, par. 1-2) '...we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes (top of p. 68) we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.

'We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.

And again, we'll take our sheets, and we will put down: what do we fear? C You have an inventory sheet, now, in your handout material for fear, just the same as we had for resentments. J I am fearful of. We list those things in the same procedure, from top to bottom. Again, and we can see as Charlie mentioned yesterday, never use the inventory across. We can see how mixed up you will be, because you've got to change your mind four times if you went across, switching from one to another, then coming back, doing the same thing. I think one of the greatest things is we never...used the Big Book because of that. We've been using it the wrong way. If you go from top to bottom...all of our fears we list them. It's very easy to do, just fist everything that we fear. Then in the next column we're going to put the cause.

(p. 68, par. 2) 'We asked ourselves why we had them.'

Right here in black and white is the instructions on how to do this. And then we go into the self.

(p. 68, par. 2) 'Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?'

Which part of self was threatened? You know you can't have that fear unless one of your (parts of) self is threatened. Which part of self is threatened? Does it threaten my self-esteem, my companionship? (personal relationships) Did it threaten my material or emotional security? Or did it threaten my sex life? One of these areas of self has to be threatened, in order to trigger the fear. So we get this all down.

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6A-11

C We men, we like to say we're macho, and we don't have fear. We're not talking about physical fear. We're talking about these fears that we have in our minds. Almost everybody has fears in connection with various different things. I have fear connected with the Internal Revenue Service. For instance, I have fear connected with the police department. I have fear connected with my children. What's going to happen with them, because of what they're doing? I have fear connected with my wife Barbara. You know she filed for divorce three times about eighteen years ago. I'm not so damn sure she won't do it again if she ever really finds out what was going on then. (laughter)

We've all got all different kinds of fears. I think we would be amazed. If we sat down and we listed all these fears, I think the first thing we would realize in that first column is that fear dominates and controls our thinking just as much as resentments did. We make decisions based on fear. That carries us to certain actions, and those actions in turn hurt other people. They retaliate against us, and create pain and suffering for us, just exactly like resentment did to us. I was absolutely amazed at the amount of fear that I really had. Looking at them in my head, I could only see them one at a time. But when I listed them on this sheet of paper, I was amazed to see how fear really did dominate my thinking.

In that second column where we ask ourselves why we had the fear, this is not an attempt to psychoanalyze ourselves. I'm not going to say that I got this fear because mother didn't change my disperse right when I was three years old. Most of my fears have a root cause to them. For instance, the reason I'm afraid of the Internal Revenue Service is because I cheated on my income tax, that's why. The reason I'm afraid of the police department is I've done a hell of a lot of things. I never got caught, and I'm scared to death they're going to catch me today. The reason I fear Barbara still is because she never did really catch me on all those things that I was doing. And usually we can pinpoint the cause of a fear. Almost invariably we'll find out that it's something that we ourselves did to set the ball rolling.

If we have a fear that we can't really figure out the cause of it, we just put down I don't know. For instance, I might have a fear of height-. I can't really figure out why I've got that fear. Well, if that be the case, then I put down, I don't know. But you know, you're really supposed to be afraid of heights, because you don't have any wings, and you can't fly. (laughter) Just like some of us are afraid of the dark. If I can't pinpoint why, I put down, I don't know. But you know, you're really supposed to be afraid of the dark, because you can't see in the dark. (laughter)

Most of the fears we have, you can find a root cause. Almost invariably we'll find one part of self has been affected. In order for me to be afraid, something has got to be a threat to one of my basic instincts of life. I fill out those first three columns, going from top to bottom, one at a time.

Then finally I go to the fourth column, and I put down what

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 68 Tape 6A-12

is the exact nature of the wrong. The wrong is the fear. The incorrect believing is the fear, that's the wrong. But then the nature of that wrong is: what's within my personality that creates this in the first place? I find the same basic character defects. If I wasn't so selfish, I wouldn't be putting myself in a position to have fear. If I wasn't so dishonest, I wouldn't be doing the things that cease fear. If I was more considerate of other people, I wouldn't be doing those things that hurt other people that cause me to be afraid of what their going to do whenever they find out about it. I find the same basic character defects ore the root cause of fear that are the root causes of resentments .

If I can change that kind of personality, and become less selfish, more honest, more considerate of other people, then I won't continually be putting myself in the positions that I have to experience fear in the future. In doing this, we see again the parts of our personality which will need to be changed in order to able to find a way to live sober, happy, peaceful, and serene, and recover from alcoholism itself. J Okay.

(p. 68, par. 3) 'Perhaps there 18 a better way--we think so. For we are now on a different basis...'

We've made a decision .

(p. 68, par. 3-4) '...the bears of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

'We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage.'

Now, as we said, we get. ,.this different basis, we find that as we get devoid of fear, fear begins to leave us and courage comes into our lives. We create a vacuum. Courage will naturally come into our live.

(p. 68, par. 4) 'All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let him demonstrate, though us, what He can do.'

Again...just like (we had) in the resentments, we look at these fears, we analyze them, fist them, and analyze them once we get them all down. As we said, you put down the first column, and the first column is the foundation of the inventory. Because, if we don't get down the fears, you can't do anything. It's from the first column that you get the information. The cause, the second column, comes from the first column. Then once you get the cause, which is the second column, it will give you the third column, which is the part we really want to get down to, is self, the root cause of the problem. Once you get all <that), then from there we can look and get the fourth column, which is the things we're going to get rid of. Once we get all these columns down we can analyze them by reading them across, and see the true picture

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 68 Tape 6A-13

of each fear, just like we could see the true picture of each resentment, when we did that. C See, that's a moral inventory, the true picture. The true picture of where this fear comes from. J Okay, now it's just like in resentments. On those resentments when we analyzed them like that, they looked stupid, and we don't like to look dumb. We think we're smart people. And the same way about these fears. Once you get them down in detail and look at them, most of them look pretty double dumb. We don't really like (that), 30 we'll get rid of them. But there will be some fears, just like there were some resentments, that we can't analyze out. We're going to use the ultimate weapon. Just like we used prayer on resentments, we have another prayer in Step Four for fears.

(p. 68, par. 4) 'We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.'

The fears that we can't analyze through our resentment process, we pray about them, and ask God to remove them. Now at this point if we have done fear this way, just like we got rid of our resentments, our mind should be, if we did it one hundred percent, which none of us are going to do, but our mind should be one hundred percent free of fear.

(End of Side A of Tape 6)

Step # 4 Big Book Tape 6B-1 (Begin Side B of Tape 6)

And courage can come in and occupy that space. We can see the personality change that's taken place as the results of the inventory process. The inventory process is a very--one of the most positive Steps. It's a changing Step if we use it as laid out in the Big Book. C You see, as resentments begin to disappear and we begin to experience a little love, tolerance, and patience for our fellow human beings, the personality begins the changing (through) the process right then. Now as the fears begin to disappear and that's replaced with courage, we're continuing the personality change.

We're not through with Step Four yet. We've learned the same process in fears that we learned in resentments. From now on, for the rest of our lives, whenever we experience fear, we can "top. We can say, well, what is the fear? What's the cause of the fear? What part of self is affected? Which character defect has come to the surface that allows me to experience the fear? I can analyze it. I can ask God to take it away, and I can get rid of it almost immediately. You see this is a positive process that we'll be using, really, for the rest of our lives.

Fears are gone. Resentments are gone. Now it's going to ask me to look at the third common manifestation of self. The third common manifestation of self will deal with the harms that I do to other people because of my selfishness and self -centeredness. It seems as though the fastest, and the easiest way to hurt other people is some way or other in this sexual area. We seem to have more personality involved, more personal fears, more personals harms involved in this particular area than we do any other. So the Big Book is now going to talk a little bit about sex.

I know in A.A. we kind of treat sex as a dirty word. We kind of act like we know everything about it. Really, we know very little about it, moot of us, that is. We just kind of snicker and ignore it. But sex is one of the basic instincts of life. It is something that God gave to us, the desire to have sex, and therefore it has got to be good. God doesn't make anything that's bad. If we didn't have the desire to do sex, as we said before, there would be no procreation of the human race. Sooner or later we would fail to survive.

This is two with all species of animal and bird life, fish life, whatever it is, that's on the face of the earth today. All of us animals, including the human race, have this desire to have sex. But there's a little difference between our sex life, and the sex life of the other animals, fish, and birds on the face of the earth. You know, the real difference is this: those other animals, fish, and birds, et cetera, they don't have any choices about sex at aft. Whenever it's time for them to reproduce their species, whatever it might be, God gives them certain directions. The female of the species recognizes it's time to procreate. They in turn will usually undergo some form of physical change. The male of that species will recognize that physical change. Then

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 68 Tape 6B-2

the male prepares for sex. The two Join together, and they have sex. Then after it's over with, they just go their separate ways. It's kind of like, bang, bang, thank you ma'am, and bingo it's all done.

They don't have the privilege of thinking about it before hand. They don't have the privilege of thinking about it during it. Nor do they have the privilege of thinking about it afterwards. Nor do they really have choices on who their going to do it with. They are purely God directed. We human beings, because we have self-will, and because God gave us the privilege, or the curse, of being able to determine what we do, when we do it, and where we do it, we're absolutely different than they are. You see, we can have sex anytime we want to, because we have this choice of self-will. We don't have to wait until it's the perfect time to procreate our race, whatever we happen to be doing.

Because we can think about it beforehand. We can think about it while we're doing it. We can think about it afterwards. We can decide who we're going to do it with. We can decide when we're going to do it. We're going to decide what position we're going to do it in. We can make all those decisions that the rest of the species cannot make. So sex in the human race is an entirely different thing than it is for the other species, although it is still used for the same purpose, to procreate the human race.

The Big Book is going to give me a way to look at my past sex life, and see if perhaps, in doing sex the way I've been doing it in the past, if I've maybe been hurting other people. If I've been hurting other people with it, chances are they're going to retaliate against me, and create pain and suffering for me. Even if they don't retaliate, if I've been doing it in perhaps the wrong way, with the wrong people, at the wrong time, I'm going to get to experience the shame, the guilt, the remorse and the fear associated with those things.

The book is going to give me a way to look at my sex life, and determine whether I ought to change it or not. Then it's going to give me a way of determining what that change should be, and what my sex life should be in the future. The rest of the animals don't have that privilege, but you and I do, because we can make choices. Probably that's the biggest problem with our sex life, is not so much how we do it, but how we think about doing it, and where we do it, and who we do it with, seems to be the major cause. And since it's such a vital part of human existence, it seems to create more trouble within our lives, amongst ourselves, than any of the other basic instincts of life. Because it is so extremely important to us. Let's see what the book has to say about it. Bottom of page sixty-eight.

(p. 68, par. S) 'Now about sex . Many of us needed an overhauling there.'

Now you older fellows, don't get your hopes up. This deals only with emotional sex, not physical sex. (laughter) It's not going to help you in that area at all. I wish it did, but it don't.

(p. 68, par. 5) 'But above all, we tried to be sensible on

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 69 Tape 6B-3

this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes--absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.'

And we have that set of voices, and we've heard them all of our lives. That's the set of voices that say, sex is to be used for one thing only and that's to reproduce the human race. It is to be done only with one person, only in one position. If you enjoy it, it's sinful. It's a bad dirty thing. It simply should be used just to reproduce the human race. We've heard that set of voices over and over and over all of our lives.

(p. 69, par. 1) 'Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere.'

And we've got that set of voices. We've heard them all of our lives also. That's the se: of voices that say, sex is something that you ought to be able to enjoy it every time that you do it. You ought to be able to do it in any position you want to do it in. You ought to be able to do it with as many people as you want to, as many times as you want to, any way you do it. And if you don't enjoy it, there's something wrong with it. They see it's significance in all parts of human life. I think today we would probably call that set of voices the sexual revolution. I really don't see anything wrong with the sexual revolution except that it occurred about twenty years too late for me to take advantage of it. (laughter) I'll guarantee you. Now:

(p. 69, par. 1) 'One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet.'

I just love the way Bill Wilson writes. He's something else. It says:

(p. 69, par. 1) 'We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?'

I read that last statement with great relief, to realize, that the book is going to stay out of my sex life. The book is not going to bring up the question of morality at all. The book is not going to condemn me for what I've been in the past. Nor is the book going to try to tell me what I ought to do in the future. What the book is going to do, is give me a way to look at my past sex life, and a way to determine what I ought to be doing in the future, without the book, itself, telling me how to do it at all. In the very next paragraph it says:

(p. 69, par. 2) 'We reviewed our own conduct over the years past.'

So we have another little inventory sheet, a review of our sex conduct. We go back through our lives, and we look to see:

(p. 69, par. 2) 'Where had we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate?'

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 69 Tape 6B-4

Now that's column four. We're going to see the same instructions, but he just kind of mixes them up. And then it says:

(p. 69, par. 2) 'Whom had we hurt?'

That's column one.

(p. 69, par. 2) 'Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?'

That's dealing with column two.

(p. 69, par. 2) 'Where were we at fault...'

Back to column four.

(p. 69, par. 2) '...what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.'

Now if you'll notice, in all three of three inventory sheets, we've had the statement that we got them all down on paper. So again we're dealing with a written inventory. We take the first column. We simply make a list of the people that we've harmed by our sexual conduct in the past. Most of us at some time or other have done something in the area of sex that in some way or other has hurt another human being. Even if we didn't actually go out and do anything physically wrong. Most certainly the majority of us in some way or other have created jealousy, created suspicion, created bitterness in the minds of another human being. If so, we have hurt them emotionally, not physically, but emotionally. Many of us actually went out and did things wrong physically that in turn created pain and suffering for other people.

If I go out and I commit adultery and my wife finds out about it, most certainly I have hurt my wife. If she raises enough hell about it, chances are I have hurt the partner that I had the adulterous sex with, because my wife's going to raise hell with her. By the time it's all over, if my partner out here, if their spouse found out about it, I'm going to create harm for that spouse. Most certainly, this created harm for my children. Most certainly, it created harm for the children of the other marriage that I'm interfering in also. Almost invariably if we carefully review our sex life, we will find that even though we are real good people, some way or other we have hurt other people by our sexual conduct or misconduct of the past. We very carefully make a list of that.

Now, this is not a list of dirty, filthy, nasty things. This is simply a truthful list, to the beat of our ability, of people we have hurt by our conduct in the past. Maybe we never did go out end do anything in the area of adultery. But maybe we insisted on the partner that we're married to, or that we're living with, having sex with us when they don't want to. Or maybe we're insisting that they do it in positions and way" that they don't want to. If so, we're most certainly creating harm for the partner in our relationship, whether it be marriage or whatever it is.

We very carefully make that list. Then in the second column we put down: what did I do? In my case, I hurt my wife. The reason and the way I hurt her (was) what I did was I went out and

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tape 6B-5.

committed adultery. Very carefully by the side of each name, I put down, what did I do?

In the third column, I look to see which part of self caused this. I think this is one of the most amazingly revealing columns we'll ever see. You know, you would think that most of the sexual misconduct of the past would have been caused by the sexual instinct. Once in a great while that's true. Sometimes in order to get the physical release, the physical gratification which come. from successful completion of sex, we go out and do sex at the wrong time, in the wrong places, with the wrong people, simply to satisfy the sexual urge. But I find in the majority of the cause, when I did something wrong sexually, it was not because of the sexual instinct, but it was because of the social instinct, or because of the security instinct.

Most of us found as we were kids growing up, that we could use sex to build our own ego. After all, the more members we can attract of the opposite sex to us, then the greater we appear in our own eyes. We can use sex to build our self-esteem. We men call that John Wayne-ism. I don't know what you girls call it, but we men refer to that as John Wayne-ism. If you can attract more and more members of the opposite sex, then you can feel better about yourself.

Sometimes we use sex to buy things. Maybe we're just lonely. Maybe we just want another human being to recognize us. Maybe we just want to be important to somebody else. We find that if we give sex, we can buy back affection and recognition from other human beings. Maybe we give sex in order to buy material security. Maybe we're in sexual situations that we really don't want to be in at all, but we find that we've become so materially dependant)on another human being that we're afraid to break that relationship off. We give sex to them in order to buy material security.

Sometimes we use sex to get even with other people. Maybe we find that our partner in our relationship has gone out and done something they shouldn't do. That infuriates the hell out of us, and we say, by Golly we'll show them. We'll go out and do the same damn thing. The fallacy in that is, after we've done it we can't afford to tell them we did. (laughter) We don't get even with them at all, but the purpose of doing it was to get even with another human being. It wasn't to reproduce the human race at all.

Sometimes we use sex to force our will on another person. We found out that if other people aren't doing what we want them to do that we can withhold sex from them and say, we'll just cut them off at the pass. We ain't going to let them have none until they come around to our way of thinking. Now. we men aren't too good at that. We only last two or three days. (laughter) But I'll guarantee you, some of you girls have honed that to perfection. (laughter)

I think what really comes out of this is the fact that we begin to realize that maybe we're not such bad people after all. My God, I felt a lot of guilt associated with these things that I

Step # 4 Big Book Page # Tope 6B-6

would do outside of marriage, because I knew I shouldn't be doing them. But when I would drink and it would lower the inhibitions, you know, I would just go ahead and do those things. And God, I felt guilty, and I felt dirty, and I felt nasty. But when I began to realize that I wasn't using sex for sex purposes, that I was using sex to build my ego or to fulfill security or something. I began to realize that I'm just a sick human being like everybody else. That I used sex, not to satisfy the sex instinct, but to satisfy the other two instincts. I finally began to feel a little bit better about myself. Some of that guilt and remorse associated with the past began to disappear right here.

Also when I found out that I used sex to build my ego, not for sexual satisfaction, but to build my ego, I began to find my desire to do that began to become less and less and less. You see, I thought I was oversexed, and I wasn't oversexed at all. I was undersecure, was my problem. I was using sex to build my security. When I realized that, then sex became less important in my life. Also the fact that I'm damn near fifty-eight years old had something to do with that too. (laughter) But today I realize that I'm not using sex for se K, but I'm using sex to build the other two instincts of life, then sex really does become less important to us. It's still a very vital part of life. It's still very important thing, but it no longer ha. to dominate my thinking twenty -f our hours a day. You know, at least, if I get this under control, then instead of sex directing my thinking, then maybe God will be able to direct my thinking.

I fill out that third column very carefully, making sure which part of self created these sexual problems for me. Then, after I've got the first three columns filled out, I finally read it all the way across and go to the fourth column. I had Barbara's name up here. I had the cause was my committing adultery. I had the part of self affected was to build my own ego to buy security, then I looked at the fourth column to see what was the exact nature of the wrong. Now the wrong was the harm I did to other people. But what's the nature of it?

I find the same old character defects. If I wasn't so I selfish, I wouldn't be out there doing those things. If I wasn't so frightened, if I wasn't so afraid that now I'm approaching fifty-eight, I may not be able to do it very much longer, I better get in all I can, if I wasn't so afraid of what other people--I found out that fear was one of the motivating factors in that thing--if I wasn't so fearful, I wouldn't be out there doing that. If I wasn't so inconsiderate of my wife, my children, and various other people, I wouldn't be out there doing those things. I realize that if my personality stays the same way, I'm going to continue doing the same thing, and continue to hurt the same people, and then they're going to retaliate against me. So if I can do something about those parts, those character defects, the selfishness, the dishonesty, the self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate individual, if I can change that, then I won't have to go do those things. I won't be hurting people, and I won't be

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 69 Tape 6B-7.

experiencing the fear, guilt, and remorse associated with that. I may be able to live sober and have peace of mind at the same time .

You see, the book doesn't care how we do sex . The book doesn't care at all. There's no morality in this at all as far as determining whether it's moral or immoral. Sexual morale change in different parts of the world anyhow. You know, what's agreeable here in Phoenix, may not be agreeable in Tallahassee, Florida. I don't know. And what's agreeable in Tallahassee, Florida is probably different than what it is up in San Francisco. (laughter) We have to make this determination ourselves .

So we're not so concerned with what other people say, as how we ourselves think about that. The book is going to give me an example, and it's going to give me a way to go about figuring out what my sex life should be in the future. I've looked at it on this sheet as to what it was in the past. I've seen what I need to change. Now, let's see how I determine what my sex life should be in the future. Joe. J (p. 69, par. 3) 'In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life.'

We look at the past. Also we want to point out the fact that on page sixty-nine where we see the character defects, we're always talking about those things, selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate. Those same character defects are mentioned back on...page sixty-seven, selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. Those are the character defects that cause those things.

(p. 69, par. 3) 'We subjected each relation to this test--was it selfish or not?' C Now, the book doesn't care how you do sex. If you went to have sex hanging upside down from a tree limb by your toenails, that's fine with the book. But if you're forcing another human being to have sex with you, hanging upside down from a tree limb by their toenails, when they don't want to, then that's probably for selfish reasons. And you're probably harming another human being. The only thing we subject each sexual relation to: is it purely selfish or not? If it's purely selfish, then chances are it may be harming another human being. And that's what the book is asking me to look at. J We ask God, and we see prayer throughout sex...we see some more prayer.

(p. 69, par. 3-4) 'We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

'Whatever our ideal turn a out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.'

You see some references to Step Nine right there. We're preparing ourselves already, when to make these amends in this


Step # 4 Big Book Page # 69-70 Tape 6B-8

area would injure other people. Okay.

(p. 69, par. 4) 'In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem.'

Again a little prayer:

(p. 69, par. 4-5: p. 70, par. 1) 'In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

'God alone can judge our sex situation . Counsel with (top of p. 70) persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final Judge .'

Here in the area of sex we let God be the final Judge. You can go around in Alcoholic" Anonymous, if you talk with enough people you'll find somebody to agree with you, if you just keep on going from one to another. It says, avoid that. This is an area--let God alone be the judge. I heard a speaker not so long ago talking about that. He said, in A.A. we share our experience strength and hope, and most of us have added something else on there. We say, share experience, strength, and hope, and advice. You can get a lot of advice in A.A.

(p. 70, par. 1) 'We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose.'

We don't know who we're talking to.

(p. 70, par. 1) 'We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.'

In this area, this is a personal thing with us and God. Let God judge each situation, and the right answer will come. It's there, and the right answer was there when we were doing it. Our conscious was there when we did it before. So it's nothing new. C You know, God does dwell within every human being. J It was there before. C And the basic knowledge, the innate common sense, of how to live and live happy and peaceful and get along with other people, we all already know that. I don't need any sexual advice from other people. I've always known what I should do and what I shouldn't do, but I never did listen to that voice. That voice used to say, Charlie, I don't think you ought to do this. I'd go right ahead and do it. Then when it was all over with, and I got in trouble, that voice would say, I told you not to do it. I've always known exactly what I should do and what I shouldn't do I just never could live up to what that Voice was trying to tell me. I don't think we need to be asking advice from other people. We all have the ability to determine what our sex life would be. If God dwells within each of us, and I'm sure he does, then that knowledge is already there. We just suppressed it in our chase for money, power, prestige, sex, et cetera.

(p. 70, par. 2) 'Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble?'

This is one of our strongest urges. We're going to make--we may make some mistakes with it. But if we're growing:

(p. 70, par. 2) 'Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God takes us to better things,

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 70 Tape 6B-9

we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink.'

This is something we can apply in all other areas of human (conduct). Anything that we're going to do in our lives that is going to harm another person, it's wrong for us regardless of what area it is. This is a good rule, to really look at things and say, is this going to harm someone? Then it's wrong for us.

(p. 70, par. 2-3) 'If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

'To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray...'

We see another prayer.

(p. 70, par. 3) '...for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity...'

To be whole.

(p. 70, par. 3) '...and for strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This take. us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.'

Than finally, he gives us the ultimate weapon to deal with anything. You know, when you become involved with another alcoholic, it's an automatic thing. When one alcoholic gets involved in helping another alcoholic, we get so involved in his life it takes us out of self. When it takes us out of self, then God can come into our lives. It seems like an ultimate weapon to escape self. C I don't think this is talking about helping another alcoholic sexually. (laughter) J No. C I see a lot of fellows in A.A. misread this statement. A beautiful young lady comes into A.A. and they proceed to begin to help them out with their sexual problems. I don't really think that's what this means. I think it means to throw ourselves the herder into helping other people in recovering from the disease of alcoholism. J Okay. Now we are going to summarize what we have done.

(p. 70, par. 4) 'If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot.'

On these three sheets.

(p. 70, par. 4) 'We have listed and analyzed our resentments.'

He didn't go on, but we :an also (say) we have listed and analyzed our fears. We have listed and analyzed our sex conduct of the past.

(p. 70, par. 4) 'We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness.'

If we have done it this way, we have seen the destruction of these things. Step Four is what's preparing us for Five and Six. We can see how these things have destroyed our lives. The

Step # 4 Big Book Page # 70 Tape 6B-10

destruction and the liabilities they are, then we'll be set up to be willing to let go of them.

(p. 70, par. 4) 'We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies...'

Now there's a lot of progress for an alcoholic. There's a lot of personality change.

(p. 70, par. 4) '...for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.'

You know, we have made the list for Step Eight. Some of the people we said were on the resentment list, these are people we owe amends. We also found a lot of the people we have fears for were people we had done something to. That's why we fear them. So we owe them amends. Quite naturally we have people on the (list of) sex conduct that we have hurt. We have mainly prepared the list of Step Eight.-while we're doing the inventory. C I think the thing that amazed me the most is the same names kept appearing on all three sheets. For instance, Barbara was on the first one. I resented her. Barbara was on the second one. I feared her, based upon, what's she going to do when she really does find out what was going on? Barbara was on the third sheet. She was one of those that I had harmed. So in all three sheets I'm making a list of people I've harmed in the past. Invariably those that I fear, I did some thing to them to "et that ball rolling. Invariably those I resent, I did something to them to set that ball rolling. Almost every instance those names kept appearing over and over and over again. It just absolutely blew my mind. I was amazed by this inventory process.

Now if there is somebody that we haven't listed as yet, for instance, those maybe we stole money from. Maybe their name hasn't appeared yet. It probably did though, in the fears list, because we were afraid of what they're going to do if they find out. But if there's a name that hasn't appeared yet that we've harmed in the past by any means, we go ahead and add them on to this (list) also. Because eventually we're going to make amends to all these people we've harmed whenever we can do so without injuring them or others. This thing is an amazing process. It's simple to do, very easy, does it take very long, I think it's one of the most revealing things we could possibly do. J Also along that line, when we add their names on to this list, go on and put down: what did we do? What's the cause of this? What part of self caused me to do it? Which character defect was involved? You can easily make that amends when you read and analyze that thing and see your involvement and what caused you to do it, and which character defect caused you to owe that person an amends. C For instance, if I stole money from you, well, why did I steal it? Well, I stole it so I could buy a new car. But why did I want the new car? Did I want to impress other people with it? Did I use it to build my ego? Do I need a new car in order to feel secure? Or do I need a new car to impress girls with so I can have sex with them. There's a root cause in every thing that

Step # 3_4 Big Book Page # 70-71 Tope 6B-11

I do that is wrong. I go look for that. Then I see which part of my personality is going to have to be changed in the future. If I stay selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and inconsiderate p I'll keep right on stealing that money just like I always have. This is absolutely amazing. J Okay:

(p. 70, par. 5 p. 71, par. 1) 'In this book you read again and again that faith did (top of p. 71) for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now...'

Once we see this. Once we see the real details of this.

(p. 71, par. 1) 'that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision' C Step Three. J (p. 71, par. 1) 'and an inventory of your grosser handicaps' C Step Four. J (p. 71, par. 1) 'you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.'

For the first time we can really see, with this, the truth about who we are. And here it just says, our grosser handicaps. Now, many, many people are failing to (do) the inventory process. Everybody would like to take the inventory when they get--they want to wait till they get well and take the inventory. When I get well and get right then I'm going to take it. But the purpose of taking the Steps is to get well. You don't wait till you get well and take the Steps. (It's like waiting till you get well before you will take the doctor's prescription.) You take the Steps to get well. And I think the greatest mistake is that people are waiting till they can do it perfectly to do it. But Step Four is just to begin on our grosser handicaps. Our grosser handicaps are resentments, fears, and harms done to others. Those are our grosser handicaps. Later on, we're going to continue, like we say, at Step Ten, to get some of the others. And we're going to be working for the rest of our lives. Step Four is to begin to get our grosser handicaps. C Before we leave Step Four completely, and especially before we leave the sexual part of it, I need to share with you, I don't know whether you've ever really realized it before or not, but most of the information in the Big Book on sex is found on page sixty-nine. (laughter) I don't know that that has any meaning at all, but most of it is there. Don't tell me Bill Wilson didn't have a sense of humor.

Okay, page seventy-two . Into Action. I'm sure, I'm sure probably the reason they called this Into Action, is because now, then, we're going to start reaching our to the rest of the human race. Up until now we've been working with God and working with ourselves. In One, Two and Three, we got right with God. We admitted our powerlessness. (Step One) We admitted the need for power. (Step Two) We made a decision to let that Power control our lives. (Step Three) We're dealing with God then. We got

Step # 5 Big Book Page # 72 Tape 6B- 12

enough removal of self through One, Two and Three, that we could take Step Four, and we we're dealing with ourselves in Step Four.

Now then, we're going to start reaching out to the rest of the human race. Most of us have withdrawn completely from God. Most of us have withdrawn completely from the rest of the human race, and we live within our own heads. If you're a practicing alcoholic, that's a pretty sick place to live. We're the people that can sit in a room full of other people, and still be by ourselves. In order for us to be fully well rounded human being-, we've got to get right in all three dimensions of life.

The book's already talked about the fact that we are spiritual; we are mental; and we are physical. (p. 64, par. 4) The physical doesn't deal with just our bodies. The physical deals with our relationship with everything within the world that is a material thing, other people, et cetera. If we can get right in all three areas, we'll be in good shape. Now then we're beginning to reach out toward that third area. We're beginning to make contact with the rest of the human race. That's probably why this chapter is called Into Action.

(p. 72, par. 1) 'Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is...'

A rough way.

(p. 72, par. 1) '...we have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Stem in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter.'

Here we must stop, and look at words again. In the Step itself it says, we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our shortcomings, or the exact nature of our--what's the word? Defects. No it doesn't say defects. Faults! Faults. Now we've got it, the exact nature of our wrongs. Momentary relapse. The exact nature of our wrongs. But if you'll notice in the narrative of the Step, he said the exact nature of our defects.

People used to ask Bill about this. They'd say, Bill, in the Step, why did you put wrongs, yet in the narrative in the book, you put the nature of the defect? They said why did you in Step... Six talk about defects, and in Step Seven talk about shortcomings? They said, Bill, what's the difference in these things? What's the difference in the wrong, the defect, the shortcoming?

Now, Joe and I have been fortunate enough to meet and talk with two ladies that worked with Bill for year", worked with him and for him for years. They said, they have heard people ask Bill this question countless times. They say that Bill would always

Step # 5 Big Book Page # 72-73 Tape 6B- 13

just kind of rear back and smile and say, well, when I took English courses in college, they taught me never to use the same words in consecutive sentences over and over because this shows your ignorance. That all writers refuse to repast themselves, and they go find different words that mean the same thing.

He said, it doesn't really make any difference what you call these things. Whether you call them a wrong, a defect, a shortcoming, a fault, a mistake, a personality trait, it doesn't make any difference what you call them. (See the Seven Deadly Sins in the "Twelve and Twelve," p. 48) He said, these are the things we found in our inventory, the thing" that cause us difficulty. He said, these are the things we're going to talk about to another human being. These are the things we're going to become ready to have God remove. These are the things that we will ask God to take away. Whatever you call them is beside the point.

With that in mind, let's watch what Bill does to us. In the next few pages, we're going to see him use these terms interchangeably, back and fourth, paying no attention whatsoever to where he puts them. Here he did say in Five, defects, where in the Step he said wrongs. He said:

(p. 72, par. 2) 'This is perhaps difficult--especially discussing our defects with another person.'

HQ did it again. (He used defects again.)

(p. 72, par. 2) 'We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.'

That's about as good a reason as I can think of. But then he tells us why this is true. He said:

(p. 72, par. 2 p. 73, par. 1) 'Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost (top of p. 73) invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear: they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.'

I think that statement, all their life story, is what's confused us about Step Four. We didn't know how to do Four, so we saw this statement and we assumed then that we've got to write our whole life story on paper. But if we have done the inventory as the book says, we have shared all our life story in the three gross handicap areas.

We could see yesterday as 3 we looked at the resentments, the

Step # 5 Big Book Page # 73 Tape 6B-14

stock-in-trade in our head today, they didn't happen just from today. They've been occurring throughout our entire lifetime. Some resentments came from what happened last week, some last year, some ten years ago, some twenty, thirty, and forty years ago, depending on how old we are. If we shared our stock-in-trade about fears, what's in our shelves today in our mind, we find the same things. Our fears have been developed throughout our entire lifetime. Some of them go all the way back to early childhood.

If we have shared our harms that we do to other people, those that are in our head today, we find that they didn't just happen today. That many of these harms that we do a to other people extend clear back through our lifetimes. My mother told me, she said, Charlie, you were the damnedest kid I ever saw. She said, you've been hurting people all your life, as long as I can remember. She said, I had great difficulty in loving you myself. (laughter) My harms have always gone way back.

So in those throe Areas, I have shared all my life story. We have no quarrel with this statement at all. Later on, we're going to have other Steps that will help us look at more things. But right now we've shared our life story in these three basic gross area-. We talked yesterday about the ability to use resentments to justify what we've been in the pact, to excuse ourselves, to transfer blame to other people, and make ourselves as pure as the driven snow. Bill talks about that just a little bit here, as to one of the reasons we need to take Step Five. He said:

(p. 73, par. 2) 'More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.'

I really do believe we are the world's greatest actors. We ought to be paid money for what we do. (laughter) We can go to work in the morning we could just barely get out of bed. We probably slept an hour or two. We're shaky, and we're trembly. We finally staggered into the bathroom, and managed to shave without cutting our throat. We got a cup of coffee down. We go to work, and we're really sicker than people lying in the hospital. We run into the boss at work when we first come in and he say-, hello, John, how are you this morning? Boy, we just brighten up and smile, and say, great, great, just sitting right on top of the world, and hell, we're damn near dead inside. We are the world's greatest actors. We never have let people look inside of us, and we don't want to look in there ourselves.

(p. 73, par. 3-4) 'The inconstancy is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension--that makes for more drinking.

'Psychologist are inclined to agree with us. We have spent thousands of dollars for examinations.'

(end Side B of Tape 6)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 5 Big Book Page #73 Tape 7A-1

(Begin Side A of Tape 7) (p. 73, par. 4) 'We know but few instance where we hay. given those doctors a fair break. We have seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else.' You know, it doesn't make sense, but we'll go pay a psychiatrist seventy-five dollars an hour to lay down on his couch and tell him lies all the time we're lying there. (laughter) We've never been honest with anybody else. We've never been honest with ourselves. I F we didn't have the ability to excuse ourselves, if we didn't have the ability to push these things down inside of ourselves and ignore them and transfer blame to other people, I don't think we could live with ourselves. We have become the world's beat at conning, lying, and manipulating other people. The thing we do the best is to con, lie and manipulate to ourselves. Why would I think suddenly in Step Four that I'm going to be one hundred percent honest with me. There's no way I can do that. I've been practicing this program and staying sober for seventeen years. When something come. up in my life, my first inclination today is to tell a damn lie about it. (laughter) To excuse myself, to transfer it to somebody else, that's within my nature. That's the kind of person I am.

One of the purposes of Step Five is to help me be honest with me. I'm going to take this inventory. I'm going to go to another human being who's knowledgeable about human nature, and who knows what I'm trying to do. That human being, looking at this thing from an outside view, can help me be honest with me. For instance, he's going to look at these character defects. He going to say, oh Charlie, I don't believe that this was caused by inconsideration of another human being. He's going to say, I believe this was caused by plain dishonesty. Or he's going to look at those columns on self. He's going to say: This wasn't caused by the sex instinct. This was caused, by the desire to build your own ego, by self-esteem. He helps me find my character defects. It's impossible for Charlie to be honest with Charlie. Now of course, confession is good for the soul. Of course, sharing these things with another person is going to make us feel better. But that's not the real reason for Five. The real reason is for me to find out all I can about me as to what needs to be changed in my life so I can live happy, peaceful, and serene in the future. Joe. J As Charlie said, the purpose of Step Five is to improve on Step Four, to find the exact nature of the wrong. We've gotten our grosser handicaps on paper as we see it. The purpose of Step Five is to really refine--not so much that this person is going to be looking too much, or talking so much about the first two columns, about what you did or the cause. He going to try to help you correct and evaluate and improve on the third column and the fourth column, to get to the exact nature of the wrong. We can

Step # 5 Big Book Page # 74 Tape 7A-2

see what Step Five is.

To do this, the next page over here, page seventy-four, it was put in the book to help the person, help us, "elect someone to do Step Five with. We need to (know) who is going to do this. We need a knowledgeable person. This book was...published in 1939--we'd have to look back--and it's unchanged. The book was written (to be) a complete book for the new alcoholic that sent off and got the book. He couldn't go to his sponsor . When the first guy in Arizona got the book, it didn't say go to you sponsor. There wasn't a sponsor here. It had to give him some way to select who he night go to. This is what this page is all about. This told him how to find some way to do Step Five. Today we don't have that problem. There's plenty of people, knowledgeable people, who have been through the program. We are very fortunate. We live in a time that we have the information, and the valuable people around to go to for Step Five. But here's what he says. We can see what they had to do in 1939.

(p. 74, par. 1) 'Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it.'

That takes care of that particular group. C I think that might be still valid today. If you happen to belong to a certain religion which requires this, there's nothing wrong with this at all. , J (p. 74, par. 1) 'Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics .'

These people in religion, they are the people that (are) dealing with human nature.

(p. 74, par. 2) 'If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend.'

We can see...some of the difficulties of the people in the earlier days. Can you imagine going to work and taking your inventory to one of your friends. That's pretty tough, isn't it? He says if you can't do that, he says:

(p. 74, par. 2) 'Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person.'

Now I think he's really running out of people. (laughter) It gets worse as you go on down. (laughter)

(p. 74, par. 2) 'It may be one of your own family...'

See. (laughter) They really had a hard time in those days.

(p. 74, par. 2) '...but we cannot disclose anything to our wives, or our parents which will hurt them or make them unhappy.'

But it does tell us--the book it was complete for those people in those days. It had to give them everything they needed, and it was here. Now we go over onto page seventy-five. This is

Step # 1-5 Big Book Page # 75 Tape 7A-3

the way we do this.

(p. 75, par. 2) 'When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk.'

We have our inventory as we see it.

(p. 75, par. 2-3) 'We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.

'We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the pact.'

Here's...the results we get out of Step Five. Notice it will tell US why we need to take the Step. Then it will tell us how to take it. Then it tells us after each Step, what we get from each Step. We've noticed that through Three and through Four and now through Five. It says:

(p. 75, par. 3) 'Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.'

If we look at the results of Step Five and compare them with Step Three and Step Four, and of course, we didn't get anything out of One and Two, we get more results out of Step Five than any Step up to this point,, because e it 1e Into Action. It'- the fires Step of action. You know, One, Two, Three, Four, those are things we do within ourselves, within our own minds. But now for the first time, this is the first Step of action, and it gives us our first great results. It says, we did have beliefs. We came to believe in Step Two. But now after Step Five, we begin the spiritual experience. The spiritual experience does not begin after we made the decision in Step Three, but after we take the action in Step Five. (Transcriber's note: As Joe reminded us earlier, though it is leas common, after having taken Step Three, '..an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once. 'Page 63, par. 3)

(p. 75, par. 3) 'The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.'

After we have completed these first five Steps, it's the only place in the book where he gives you a little pause, where we can rest. If you do those five Steps you really do need some rest.

(p. 75, par. 4) 'Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour...'C He didn't say thirty-eight days. He said one hour. (laughter) One hour. If you're riding down the freeway and you pull into a rest stop, you don't go in there to camp out for thirty-eight days. You're just in there for a few minutes, and then you're going right on down the road, same thing here. We got

Step # 1-5, 6 Big Book Page # 75-76 Tape 7A-4

a little one hour rest stop here. J Okay.

(p. 75, par. 4) '...carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.'

It didn't say we know God, but we know him better than we did when we alerted.

(p. 75, par. 4) 'Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to made mortar without sand?'

Again we see the picture that Bill is drawing for us. Remember he said that willingness was the foundation of this structure. (p. 12, par. 5) Then he said later on that Step Two was the cornerstone. (p. 47, par. 2) ...He says that Step Three

(p. 62, par. 4) '...was the keystone of a new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.'

So now we're putting two more stones in. We're putting in Step Four and Step Five. He's drawing this picture of the personality change (p. 569, par. 1) that's taken place, as we're building this thing together. He's paralleling the arch with the personality change that we're building. We can see it going up now. We can review it at this point. He said if those things are properly in place, then we can look at Step Six and Step Seven. C Let's do Six and Seven real fast and then we'll take a break. You'll notice on page seventy-six, in dealing with Six and Seven, we've only got two paragraph on them. Less information in the book on Six and Seven than we'll find anywhere else in the book. Joe say, he thinks the reason for this is because these are two working Steps. They are tools that we use f or recovery. Joe compares them to a pick and a shovel. He told me the other day, Charlie, I've gone to the hardware store many times and bought a pick and a shovel. But he said, I've never bought one yet that had the instructions with it. (laughter) He said, It's obvious what they are used for, and you don't need very many instructions. He said, these are the pick and shovel of the recovery program. We've only got two paragraphs on them.

(p. 76, par. 1) 'If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all--every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.'

Every Step from Step Three on, recognizes that "elf cannot overcome self, that only God has the power to overcome self. Every Step recognizes that we don't really want to do these things. It says, if we aren't willing, we ask God to help us to be willing to be willing. Let's face it. Some of these character defects are enjoyable things. Some of them we don't want to get

Step # 6-7 Big Book Page # 76 Tape 7A-5

rid of. Some of them we can use as excuses for doing things that we shouldn't be doing. Some of them we can use as excuses for not doing things we ought to be doing. Some of them become such a natural part of our lives, we're scared to death to turn loose of them.

You know, I remember telling them when I got to this area of the Steps, I said, my God, if God takes away every character defect I've got, I won't have any personality left at all. That was true in my life. My life was built upon character defects. I didn't know that if one disappears something else will have to take it's place, and that I would undergo a changing process. I thought I'd just be nothing if God took these things sway. I really didn't want to get rid of them. The book says if you don't want to, then you auk God to help you be willing to be willing. I think you'll notice also in this paragraph on Step Six. He said,

(p. 76, par. 1) 'Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?'

Well, Step Six talks about defects of character. We became ready to have God remove all these defects of character. That is not what he says here. In the narrative he talked about things that are objectionable. Again it doesn't make any difference what we call them. These are the things we found in Four. The things that cause us our troubles and our difficulties. The things that create hell in our lives, that sends us back to drinking. These are the things we talk to another human being about in Five. Now the question is: by now they should have become objectionable to us. We should be able to see what this selfish, self-centered, dishonest, inconsiderate individual--we should be able to see what those defects are causing in our lives. We should be able to see what resentments and fears and harms to other people are creating in our lives. And if we can see that, then by now most certainly they have become objectionable to us. Are we now ready to let God remove them? If so:

(p. 76, par. 2) 'When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character...'

Whoop. That isn't what Step Seven said. Step Seven said shortcomings. Defects of character was in Six, but here he's used defects of character in Seven. You see what he did to us? He just used these words interchangeably back and fourth, round and around. I became so interested in this that I began to look for shortcomings, other references to it in the Big Book. You know the only place I find it is in the writing of Step Seven. In the narrative he always talks about defect", faults, mistakes, et cetera. I even carried that so far as to go to the "Twelve and Twelve" and see what he says about shortcomings in Step Seven in the "Twelve and Twelve". All during the whole narrative in Step Seven, he talks about defects of character until the final paragraph in Step Seven he did mention shortcomings. He just simply used these words interchangeably. What difference does it make what we call them. Are we now ready to let God remove these

Step # 7 Big Book Page # 76 Tape 7A-6

thing" from us. If so we ask him to take them away.

(p. 76, par. 2) 'I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have then completed Step Seven.'

Bang, bang. Don't take long on Six and Seven, when we become ready to do this. I think a mistake though that we make, and a mistake that I made, was that I assumed whenever I asked God to take these things away that he would remove them and make me just a pure as the driven snow. (laughter) But you know, I found out that isn't true. I found out that God cannot take away a character defect and leave a blank or a hole within my personality. That blank or that void or that hole is going to have to be filled with something else. I really don't think today that God will do for me what I can do for myself.

I can't remove character defect-, only God can do that, but I can find out what's the opposite of the character defect. I can through what little will power I can muster, and through asking for God's help, try to practice the opposite of that character defect. My mind is nothing more than a set of mental habits, just like my body is a set of physical habit. My mental habits have been ingrained in my head throughout my entire lifetime. My mental habits were awful, awful/bad habitat

Now, if I want God to change those things, I have to start working in order to change those habitat If I want God to take away selfishness, then I need to start trying to practice unselfishness. This is very, very difficult for me to do. But once in a while I can do for another human being the things that I think that other human being wants without expecting anything back in return. When I do that, I feel better.

If I want God to take away dishonesty, then maybe I better start trying to practice honesty. Maybe I ought to quit lying. Maybe I ought to quit stealing. Maybe I ought to start doing the way I should have been doing all my life.

If I want God to take away fear, then maybe I better start practicing courage. Maybe I ought to kick myself in the butt, and say, get up and go do this, and get it done.

Id I want God to take away inconsideration, then maybe I ought to start considering other people, what they need and what they want.

As God takes away, and a. I through what little will power I can muster and God's help, as I begin to practice the opposite, gradually the old habits begin to disappear. Gradually, the new habit" begin to come into my mind. Slowly, slowly, slowly, I change my personality, with God's help, by doing the beat I can to practice the opposite of those character defects.

You know, it's kind of like growing corn. When I plant corn, I go out there and I make a furrow in the ground. I put the seed in the ground. I put the fertilizer in the ground. I cover it up. I put water on it. But you know I can't make corn grown. Only God makes that corn grow. But God also makes weeds grow, too. When He

Step # 6-7 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-7

makes corn grow, and makes weeds grow, if I want my corn to be top notch, A-number one, high quality corn, then I'm going to have to get in that corn patch and do something about those weeds myself. I have got to work on these things, also. I'm fifty-eight years old, almost. I've never seen God in a corn patch pulling weeds. (laughter) The farmer does that. I'm going to have to do my part in order to make my corn beautiful, top notch, high quality corn.

God it's hard. Oh, my God, it's hard. It's difficult to change. But if we want to change, we can change. We've got a process right here that helps me change my character over a period of years until we become new people. The book isn't kidding when it says, we are reborn. (p. 63, par. 1) We become absolutely different people than what we used to be. I can now see what he meant in How It Works, when he said some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas, and the result was nil. Unless we're willing to give up old habits, we will never, never learn new habits. As long as we want to stay the way we are, we'll stay that way for the rest of our lives. But if we want to change, there is a process here that we can change by, any time we want to. Joe. J As Charlie says, the-e two Steps to me are the ultimate. This is the foundation of our lives. We have been given these two tools of Six and Seven. Through the earlier Steps, through Steps Three and Four and Five and seeing the damage of these thing" and become willing to let go of them, we have been given two valuable tools to work with. I think they are, as Charlie says, they are the pick and the "hovel. We don't need a lot of instructions . They take a hell of a lot of work. But I think we are very blessed people as alcoholics to have these things in our lives.

We can grow for the rest of our lives, and growth is very simple. It's very difficult to do. It's all about, as Charlie said...you work at this. The way we got today, the way we got to be alcoholics, the way we got our thinking so messed up, how did we get it messed up? We worked at it. We had to work at this. Now we have to work the other way. The way we're going to change is we're going to work against ourselves. They way you change is not doing what you want to do. If you do what you want to do, you'll just feed those old habits, those same old ideas, and they will be there. But we grow through working against ourselves.

We change through working against ourselves. We change by not doing what we want to do, (Step Six) and making ourselves do what we don't want to do. (Step Seven) And we'll change to the degree that we do that. As we don't lend actions to these old thoughts, they will die in our minds. They will be replaced by different thing" as we make ourselves do different things. We'll never grow by doing what we want to do. We're always growing by doing what we don't want to do. Every time I talked about this, I think it's one principle. It's one thing about life. Where we find a principle, it works in every area of our lives. It's universal. Principles are universal. Bill and I were talking about it this morning.

Step # 6-7 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-8

Like losing weight, you know, the way you lose weight is you don't eat what you want to eat and you make yourself eat what you don't want to eat. Lot of people tell you on TV you can eat all you want, and you can lose weight. Well, you'll lose some money. (laughter) But you won't lose no weight. But you will change to the degree you do that.

The same way about the human mind. We could change and change for the rest of our lives with these two tool-. Our lives are really unlimited. We are blessed people, being alcoholics, to have these two Steps, because most people whatever they are they think they're locked into it. But you can change. It says the old ideas can be cast aside and new ideas can take their place. (p. 27, par. 5) We can make a revolutionary change (p. 569, par. 3), but it's based on our application of Step Six, which is not doing what you want to do, and Step Seven, which is making yourself do what you don't want to do. This is very difficult.

Or just like me, I always at this point tell of my wife. She saw that I need to make some change. physically. So some years ago, she bought me a beautiful jogging suit. It's velour and it's soft. She bought me some blue shoes to go with it, give me a hint, you know? (laughter) I'll put it on if I'm home, -particularly on Saturday evening", Sunday evenings, in the evenings when I got off from work. I get up on the couch and. I eat jellybeans, and I tell her it don't work. (laughter) You know, it really don't work. (laughter)

The same way about our personalities. It's very difficult not to do. But if we could change by doing what we want to do, everybody would be perfect. But it's very difficult. But as we not do the things we want to do, and a. Charlie says, it's like planting corn, same way about planting corn. You go out and plant corn. If you want a big stalk, beautiful stalk of corn to grow. One grain of corn has got to die. Something's got to die, so that we can live. I think it's what in the great Book of Books, Paul was talking. Successful living means daily dying. We've got to die somewhere, so that we can live in another place. It's very difficult for (us) humans to do that, because most of us are in love with what we are. Hear me? And we're going slay that which we are, so that we can be something better.

Very difficult, but these are the tools, Step Six and Seven are the ultimate tools of change, that have been given us through the first five Steps. Looking at this thing, seeing the damaging effect, and giving us the tools for the changing process. It's based on us. No it's not going to happen automatically. It's booed on what we do on a daily basis, for the rest of our lives, with these two Steps. C As Joe said, I really do believe, that as we look back in our lives, we can see that we had to work in order to become that old personality. I'll never forget the first time I stole. Prior to that time, I always knew that stealing was wrong. I don't know whether it was taught to me, or whether I knew it from the day I was born. But I remember the first time I stole. I felt real guilty about that, and a lot of remorse. But you know, a little

Step # 6-7 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-9

later on I stole again, and it wasn't quite as bad. Then I stole again and it wasn't quite as bad. After a while, stealing began to be a way of life. Same way with the things we do in the area of sex. Same way with the things we do that we know are wrong. The first time that we do them we feel guilt and remorse, but then as we repast that over and over and over, that gradually becomes a natural part of our lives.

All we're doing now is reversing the process. We can't expect it to be done overnight. It takes iota of work. It takes a long time. I think we'll probably work at this for the rest of our lives. But we have the ability, we have the way to create one of-the most beautiful lives that a person can possibly have if we're willing to do our part.

Again, when I realize this and know this, then I've got to accept the responsibility for the way I feel. I've now got to accept the responsibility for the things that I do. Prior to this, I didn't know that you could change. I just assumed that old way of thinking was natural, and there's no way I could change that, that old way of doing was natural and I couldn't change that. Now I know different.

Now, today if I want to steal, I can't blame it on anybody else. Today if I went to lie, I can't blame it on anything else. Today if I want to commit adultery, I cannot blame that on anybody else. I've got to realize, that's me doing that. If I want to get mad today, than I've got to realize it's not you. It's me letting ma get mad. If I want to feel fear, then I've got to accept the responsibility for that fear. This is an awesome responsibility, to accept the responsibility for the way you feel and the way you act in your own life. It's hard to do, and it's difficult to do and we don't want to do it. But if we want to change this is the only way we ever change.

And let's face it, some days we want to be that way. (laughter) Hell, there's days I love to be mad, because I can romp and stomp and raise hell, and revert back to that old nature at the drop of a hat, see, because I enjoyed doing it. Some days I want to feel fear, because I can use fear to justify not doing something that I don't want to do. Or I can use fear to justify doing something, and I know damn good and well that I shouldn't be doing. But I fully realize that when I allow that to happen, it's me. It's not you. It's not God. It's not anything else in this world, except me letting that happen in my life. This is hard for me to face even today, but it's the actual truth.

Let's take about a ten minute break, and then we're going to J ump right in and go through. Most of our work is done now. C We maybe ought to go home and listen to these. (laughter) Neither one of us have ever listen to the Big Book tapes. We're scared to death to listen to them. I don't know what it would do to our ego. We might want to change it if we listen to it. I'm not sure we ought to change it at all. We want you to know though we sure appreciate being here. This has become our life. Without this I really don't know what would happen to us. I'm sure life wouldn't be as exciting 88 it is now if we were not doing things

Step # 8-9 Big Book Page # 76 Tape 7A-10

like this. Let's go back to page seventy-six again. We'll move right op.-We're going to try to get through probably about 12:30, I hope. In the middle of page seventy-six it says:

(p. 76, par. 3) 'Now we need more action without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we ere willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which ha. accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.' And again the book recognizes that self can't overcome self. It recognizes we don't want to make amends. That's very, very difficult for any human being to do, especially we alcoholic-.(p. 76, par. 3) 'If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes.' We've talked before, about the three dimensions of life. We're in the process of getting well in all three area. of live in order to become, again, useful, well-rounded, whole human beings. During our drinking and maybe long before we ever started to drink, we withdrew from the Spirit and began to operate on self. We began to find out that, maybe that things the way God wanted them done wasn't very exciting. We began to do things the way we wanted to do them. As we withdrew from the Spirit and began to operate on self, we began to have all kinds of trouble with people, places, and things. Operating on self, we experienced all kinds of fear. Very shy, very backward, (we) couldn't get along with people. W. began to drink that old whiskey. That old whiskey gave us the courage and everything we needed in order to operate. As we began to drink that whiskey, we began to have more and more trouble with people. We began to get sicker and sicker in our head. And finally, we just got all screwed up in all three areas of life. Now if you would go to the professional people, they would say well in order to straighten you life out let's first get your life straighten out in this outside circle that you see UP here. We'll get your life straighten up here on your 30b, and with your wife, and with all things in the material world and, then you won't have to drink.

(Transcriber's note: He is referring to a diagram on the overhead projector. It's titled "The Three Dimensions of Life" "Steps 1-thru-9" It look. like a target. In the center, the bull's-eye, it has "Spiritual" "GOD" "1-2-3." In the first circle out it has "Mental" "4-5-6-7." In the outermost circle it has "Physical-Social" "8-9.'. )

My God, I tried that for years, and it didn't work. I'd get stuff straightened out with my wife, and the next thing I knew my job would be gone. I'd get things straightened out with my job, and then I'd find out my car was gone. I'd get things

Step # 8-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-11

straightened out with my car, end then I'd find out my wife was gone. (laughter) And I never could straighten that out.

Now, I come to A.A. and they say let's forget all that jazz. They say, let's straighten out from the inside out. They say, this is an inside Job. They say, let's forget the outside circle, and lets get right with God first. They say, if you will straighten up the spiritual, then the mental and the physical will automatically become alright. (p. 64, par. 4) So they said take Steps One, Two, and Three.

I took One ,. Two, and Three and by Golly, I got right with God. And that's really what we do. We admit our powerlessness. We see the need for a Power greater than we are. We make a decision to turn our will and lives over to the core and direction of that Power. We get right with God. We develop the proper relationship. He's the Director. We're going to be the followers for a change. That's what we do in One, Two, and Three, we get right with the Spirit. When we do that, on the inside, we begin to straighten up. Now then that we're right with God, that has removed enough self that we can begin to look at ourselves.

So we take Steps Four, Five, Six, and Seven, and we get right in our minds. We begin to see what makes us tick. We begin to see what we need to change. We begin to work in those area, and begin to change those things. Our thinking begins to get straightened out. So I'm right in the first two dimensions .

I'm already feeling pretty good. But now if I want to feel completely good, I have to do something else to get rid of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse associated with those things I've done in the past. We've always known the way you do that is to make equal restitution. To find our who you've hurt, and then to make amends for those things you've done in the past. As you do that, the fear associated with it begins to disappear. The guilt associated, the remorse associated with it, begin. to disappear.

You know our book is complete. Our Steps are complete. The book tells me this is a design for living. (p. 15, par. 2; p. 28, par. 2; p.81, par. 3) Sobriety really has nothing to do with it. This is a design for living that really works. Now if I can get straightened out in Eight and Nine, with the world and the people in it, then I'm going to be a complete, whole, human being once again. I'll be right in all three dimensions of life. Thank God for Steps Eight and Nine.

Now I've got my list. I made that list when I took my inventory. If I've got some names, and I probably will have by now, that I've thought of I go ahead and add them on the list and treat them exactly as I did in Step Four. Now that I've got the list, my next job is to become willing to the list. That's very difficult for us, because some of these people on that list, we hate their guts. Some of them did things to us, also. Some of them, maybe, we don't want to go make amends to them. My books says, Charlie, if you not willing to make amends, you ask God for the willingness to be willing to do this until eventually I become willing to make those amends.

I don't think I have to wait until I become willing one hundred percent in Eight to start working on Nine. Because some

Step # 8-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-12

of those people in Eight I would like to get things straightened up with them right this moment. I really did love my kids. I want to make amends to them and get that straight as fast as I can. I really did love my mother and my father. I want to get straightened out with them as soon as I can. So there's no sense me waiting forever to got willing to make amends to all of them. There's no sense in doing that until I start making amends. I found that as I began to make amends then I became more willing to make amends. The more I made the more willing I became, until eventually I became willing to make amends to everybody on that list, even the suckers I really did hate. I even started to make amends to old Barbara. (laughter) It took a long time, but (I) really did.

Now then, Step Nine will tell me when to make amends. Step Nine will tell me the kind of amends to make. And Step Nine will tell me when not to make amen 18. Step Nine tell" me in the beginning, we made direct amends to such people. I think probably there's two meanings of the word direct. I think one meaning of that word is to go to those people directly, one on one, face to face.

If there's somebody we can't do that with, we could I guess make a telephone call, the book says that's alright. We could write a letter. But I think wherever we can, we should go to those people one on one, face to face. Then when we're through with that amend, there's no question in our mind how it's been received. We never have to worry about that anymore. If we write a letter, we're not sure. If we make a telephone call, we're not sure. (See Transcriber's note on "amend.")

Also we find on a face to face direct amend that normally that person 1e going to say, I was at fault in that myself. Usually they will make amends to us also. And if that happens, then we can straighten up a relationship which had been out of kilter for years and years and years. (p. 78, par. 2) That is one of the main things about making a direct, face to face, one on one amend.

Another type of direct amend we believe is to make equal restitution. If I go to you and I say, back when I was drinking I stole four hundred dollars from you, and I'm sure sorry about that. Would you forgive me? Chances are you're going to say, I'm pretty damn sorry about it too. Where's my four hundred dollars? (laughter) The purpose of this is for me is to get rid of all guilt and remorse that I possibly can, so I can feel better about myself. As long as I owe you four hundred dollars, I'm going to feel guilty about it. But if I come to you directly one on one, face to face, and you and I sit down, and we discuss this. I say! I don't have the four hundred dollars today. But I can pay you five dollars a week. I'm going to pay you five dollars a week until the four hundred dollar 3 is paid off. Then you're probably going to approach me in a more forgiving attitude. And then I'm going to feel better about myself when the four hundred dollars is paid off. That is a direct amend, equal restitution.

I know sometimes the sums of money are so large that we feel

Step # 3, 7, 8-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-13

that we can't do that. There's no way. But we forget, God's with us now. God got with us when we took Stop Three. All you and I've got to do is be willing to do these things. If God wants this straightened out p He'll see that it's straightened out if we'll do our part. I have a friend that lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma. When he was twenty-nine years sober, he told me one day, he said, Charlie, I paid the last of them suckers off last week. He'd been paying on this thing for twenty-nine years, and it did amount to a troll of a lot of money. And I said, Dan, how do you feel? Dan said, I feel ten foot tall. He said, this is the first time in my life that I can remember that I don't owe somebody something for what I've stolen from them in the past. And he said, I feel good. You see God worked with him also. Between (hills) and God together, they paid that thing off, and Dan felt good about Dan. That's what we're after.

If we keep running around with fear of what you think of me every time I run into you, or fear of what you're going to do to me whenever you see me, or guilt and remorse over the money that I stole from you, I'm never going to have peace of mind. I know hl" sounds tough, and it is tough, but we did agree to be willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. (p. 76, par. 3) That's what a direct amend is. My book tells me, we make direct amends to such people wherever possible.

It didn't say whenever. Lot of times we read it off the wall, or out of the book, and we'll read whenever. That's the natural thing for us. But can you imagine telling an alcoholic to make amends whenever you want to. (laughter) It said, wherever possible. So it told me the type of amends to make, and it told me where to do them, and now it will tell me when not to do them. Joe. J It says, when to do so would injure them or others. So we'll have some people on that list that we'll never be able to make amends to, because to do so would injure other people. We have some people on that list...in Step Eight, that "wherever possible may eliminate some. But the secret to the whole process of Eight and Nine flea in the second part of Step Eight. The freedom and the relief is the willingness to do it, whether we can or not.

So these two Steps, as Charlie says, are in the third dimension. It says, this book gives us a design for living. There is a design to human life, a design to everything. I think this is what's so great about it. We now have a design of living. We can see if we don't do this, if we don't clear up this thing in Steps Eight and Nine, it's going to back up into our minds, going to cut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit (p. 66, par. 2), and we'll lose Step Three. All this works together. We can't stop at Step Seven. We've got to complete Eight and Nine to make the whole process complete.

There is a design to human life. Many great philosophies, and many great books, and...religions we read about, they have seemed very confusing. I never could understand some of it. But down in all of them that really deal with human life, (they) talk

Step # 1-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7A-14

about the design of human life. All of them say the same thing, the way that human life is laid out. This is what A.A., the Big Book gives us, a design of living.

Many thousand years ago a man said the same thing. He had the same principles. He gave us the same principles. He said...how do you live? He said seek ye first the Kingdom of God." That's One, Two, and Three. He also said, love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and all thy "our. That's One, Two, and Three. He said, and all thy mind. That's Four, Five, Six, and Seven. He said, and thy neighbor as thyself. That's Eight and Nine.

There's nothing new to this. It's the same way. It's deigned the way human beings live. Once we fit our lives into that design, then we find serenity and comfortable living life as it was deigned to live. There's nothing new here. C Joe and I have worked with lots and lots and iota of alcoholics in the past, people taking Step Five so on and so fourth. Many people ask us questions about making amends. We have never yet had a question asked that we could not find the answer in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous."

(End of Side A of Tape 7) (Transcriber's note: When used as a noun, amends, not amend, is standard English, but we A.A.'s often use amend this way.)

(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 9 Tape 7B-1

<Begin Side a of Tape 7) C You know, it deals with every one of these things. On page seventy-seven, it talks about the man you hate. We're not going to read all of this. It tells you how to handle the person that you yourself hated. On page seventy-eight it tells us what to do about these people we owe money to. On page seventy-nine it talks about...the involvement of other people. It talks about, eighty-one, on sex outside of marriage, how to handle this with your spouse. We just simply have never found an amend question that we could not answer in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." There's prayer throughout this whole thing on Step Nine. There's three or four prayers in here that we use in the working of Step Nine. So really we don't need a lot of confusion about Eight and Nine if we would go to the book and do it.

Our problem comes in working the Stops off the wall. Sometime in the past, they took the Steps out of the book, put them on a little card, and we carry that in our billfold. Then they began to make a wall poster and put it up on the wall. And that's great. I think everybody ought to be able to see the Steps. But then we got to working them off the wall. (laughter) We read the Stop. We interpreted what it meant in our own mind, and then gave ourselves self-instructions on how to work the Stop. The problem is, they took the Steps out of the book and put them on the wall, but they didn't put the instructions up there with them. The only instructions are in the Big Book. We can definitely do Eight and Nine, and get the relief that we seek, by following the instructions we find in the book on Eight and Nine.

There's some people we can't make complete amends to. There's no way I can tell Barbara about all the things I was doing. That would be ridiculous. If I do, I'm going to hurt her further. Some of the things she has suspicion about, but I believe suspicion is better than the pure knowledge of what I was really doing. (laughter) There's no way I can go to my kids and tell them some of the stuff I was doing. My kid" want to be proud of me, and today, they are reasonably, halfway proud of me. Some of the stuff, if I--you know, there's no sense in that.

Some of those things I simply cannot talk about, but I tell you what I can do. I can tell Barbara that I'm sorry about what I did. And I'm not going to live that way anymore if I can help it. With God's help I'm going to become a different person, and I'm not going to hurt her in the future. That's about the only real amend that I can make to Barbara. I can tell my kids the same thing. I can tell them that I didn't used to be too good a person, and because of what I did, I hurt you. I realize that, but I'm not going to be that way anymore with God's help, that I'm trying to become a better person. I find that that's great with them, because that's what they want from me also. Some of the thing" I did, I can't talk about that to other people.

Also I find that some of the people that I like to make amends to I cannot r simply because they're now dead. There's no way that I can go to my father and make amends. My dad died

Step # 9 Big Book Page # 83 Tape 7B-2

before I sobered up. But you know, I can go out to the cemetery and "it down and talk to him about it today. I can't see him on a one on one, face to face basis, but I can certainly make amends to him wherever I possibly can. My book tells me on page eighty-three, in the third paragraph, it said:

(p. 83, par. 3) 'There may be some wrongs we can never fully right.,

For those that I'm going to hurt them further, or those that have already passed on, I can probably never fully right those things, but the book says:

(p. 83, par . 3) 'We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.'

If we can say to ourselves that I would right that situation if I could, then we have successfully completed Steps Eight and Nine.

(p. 83, par. 3) 'Some people cannot be seen--we vend them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. A. God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.'

I think another mistake that we see being made in this amend. area, is we want people to like us so great that we go to then to make amends, and let's face it, some of them won't accept it. I had one or two tell me, Charlie, we didn't like you when you were drinking, and we don't care too damn much about you now. (laughter) We'd rather you would leave us alone. The purpose of making the amend is not to get them to like us. Hopefully, they will. But the purpose is to remove our guilt and our remorse. If they don't want to accept our amends, then they're sick people, too, and that becomes their problem. We don't have to go back and beg those people to do that. A mistake we see people making is to go back and literally beg, time after time after time. We don't have to do that. We make our amends. If they don't accept it, then that becomes their problem. We stand on our feet. We don't have to be servile and scraping to the point that we actually beg people to forgive us.

I might say before we leave that. Dr. Bob, one of his great problems was that he was scared to death that people would find out he was an alcoholic, and it would ruin his profession. Hell, he didn't realize that he'd already ruined it anyhow. It was a crappy old profession anyhow. He was a proctologist, you know, working on the back end. (laughter) When he first got into this thing, Dr. Bob didn't get sober. He went to a medical convention and got drunk. When he came back the nurse called Bill and Dr. Bob's wife, and said, you're going to have to come and get him. He's over here drunk. She said, he has surgery tomorrow morning. He's the only doctor available to do this particular surgery, and you've got to sober him up. So they brought him home, and they walked him all night, and fed him coffee and God only knows what else.

Bill took him to the hospital the next morning. Dr. Bob was

Step # 9 Big Book Page # 83-84 Tape 7B-3

standing in the parking lot of the hospital, and he said, Bill I can't do this surgery. He said, look at my hands. I'm shaking and I'm trembling and I'm sick. Bill said, yea you can. Bill said, here drink this. HQ handed his a bottle of beer. Dr. Bob drank the beer. He went upstairs, did the surgery, and the surgery came out great, but Dr. Bob disappeared. Bill just knew that that beer had triggered the allergy, and he was off and running, and he was somewhere drunk.

HQ didn't come in till late that evening. And Bill said, where in the hell have you been. He came in sober. He said, I've been going up and down, both sides of the street, making amends to those that I have harmed. Dr. Bob never took another drink after that day. The thing that he felt was so bad, he found that he had to do it in order to stay sober.

I think we're all going to find the same thing. If we don't, eventually we're probably going to pay the price. We've done Eight and Nine. Oh, we're right with God, we're right in our own minds, and we're right with other people. For most of us, that's the first time in our lives that we've ever been right in all three dimensions of life. And we're going to feel good.

We promised, way back in the beginning, as we talked about... the process that we go through in order to recover, as we talked about Columbia, and as we talked about belief. We promised in the beginning that if we would believe, which we did in Two, and if we would decide, which we did in Three, and then if we would take action, which we did in Four (through) Nine, then we would get certain results from that action. Then after we got the results we would then know, or we would have faith. As the results of these first nine Steps, we can now expect certain things from them. Those certain things start at the bottom of page eighty three. We refer to them as the promise. They are what we can expect to receive from the first nine Stops. Joe.

(p. 83, par. 4; p. 84, par. 1-2) 'If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on lt. We will comprehend the (top of p. 84) word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and se. f-pity will disappear. We will loose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.'

'Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly...'

This is the spiritual experience.

(p. 8t, par. 2) '...sometimes "lowly.'

This is the spiritual awakening.

(p. -. par. 2) 'They will always materialize if we work for

Step # 9 Big Book Page # Tape 7B-4


If we work these first nine Steps, we will have a spiritual experience, or a spiritual awakening, which is a personality change sufficient to recover. (p. 569, par. 1) These are the changes that will occur as the results of the first nine Steps. C And you only have to do one thing to get them. You only have to do one thing to get these promises, and that's to work for them.

I walked in a hospital root not long ago. A fellow A.A. member was standing there talking to a fellow lying in the bed. Instead of talking to him, he was reading him the promises out of the book. I said, did you read what went before the promises? And he said, no. Then I said, hell, how do you expect him to have them. There is one stipulation, and that is: if we work for them.

You remember back when you were a kid growing up? Some of you guys in here, I know, are as old as Joe and I are. I remember back in our days, the big deal always was going to the movie on Saturday afternoon. They had the Lone Ranger and various other different serial movies that ran (every Saturday.) If you didn't go to the movie on Saturday afternoon, forget about going to Sunday school on Sunday morning. because you didn't have nothing to talk about. (laughter) Get up early on Saturday morning and say, Mamma, can I go to the movie this afternoon? And Mamma would say, yea aunt I'm going to let you go to the movie--after. Then·she would outline a whole series of steps that we would have to take. (laughter) After you clean the yard, after you do this, after you do that, then you'll get to go to the movie.

Promises are always that way. Promises are always after something occurs. You don't ever get it first and then do it. You do it and then you get it.

As we work these Steps and make them a part of our lives,.

then we're going to see that these promises will occur in our live. If you read the promises, you can see that none of them deal with the physical body at all. Every promise in there deals with a state of the mind. Most certainly, if we have received these promises in our lives, then we have undergone an extreme, extreme personality change. We have become absolutely different people.

Dr. Silkworth told us back in the beginning when we're sober we're restless, irritable, and discontented until we can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. (p. xxvi, par. 5) I've looked for that sense of ease and comfort all my life.

I'd like to read the promises again. First because I think they're beautiful. Second, because I love the way I read them. (laughter) But thirdly, because I want to add some word" to them. The words I want to add to them are: whenever I took a drink of alcohol.

Back in the beginning, when alcohol, was my friend, when it made me much taller than I am today, when it changed my facial features, and made me Fred Astaire on the dance floor, and again, the world's greatest love in the back seat of a'36 Chevrolet, this is the way I used to feel whenever I drank alcohol.

Step # 1-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7B-5

Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I knew a new freedom and a new happiness. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I did not regret the past nor wish to abut the door on it. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I comprehended the word serenity and I knew peace. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, no matter how far down the scale I had gone, I would see how my experience could benefit others. (laughter) Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, that feeling of uselessness and self-pity would disappear. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, self seeking would slip away. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, my whole attitude and outlook upon life would change. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, fear of people and of economic insecurity would loves me. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I would intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. Whenever I took a drink of alcohol, I would suddenly realize that Alcohol was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

And I loved what it did for me, that's why I drank it. Alcohol gave me that sense of ease and comfort in the beginning. The first Nine Steps of "Alcoholic Anonymous, " gives me the same identical sense of ease and comfort that I used to get from drinking alcohol. Now, isn't this great? That I can work the first nine Steps, and get all the good things that I ever got from alcohol in the beginning, yet at the same time I get none of the bad things.

I've never been placed in jail because of working the first nine Step. of "Alcoholics Anonymous." (laughter) I've never been drug into divorce court over the first nine Steps of "Alcoholics Anonymous." I have never vomited--damn near did a time or two. (laughter) But I've never vomited over the first nine Steps of "Alcoholics Anonymous." This is the real miracle of "Alcoholics Anonymous."

This is the miracle, that we can get the same thing from the first nine Stops that we used to get out of alcohol. We feel good, and therefore, we don't have to drink alcohol to get those things anymore. This is what the Steps mean in our lives. This is the personality change sufficient to recover. Today, we can be sober. We can be happy. We can be peaceful. We can be free. We can be serene. We don't have to be worried. That's what alcohol used to give me before it turned against me and damn near killed me. So far in seventeen years, the first nine Steps have never turned against me yet. I can't see where they've ever hurt me in any way whatsoever. The only thing they've ever done is give me benefit in my life.

I get the sense of ease and comfort (p. xxvii, par. 1) that I always searched for all my life from the first nine Steps. That's what I used to get out of alcohol. That's what some people get out of food. That's what some people get out of drugs of other kinds. That's what some people get out of sex. We don't have to indulge in those things to get that sense of ease and comfort. We can get it out of the first nine Steps. This is the

Step # 1-9 Big Book Page # Tape 7B-6

real message of "Alcoholics Anonymous." Joe. J Okay. If we're at this point, the first nine Steps, it looks like we could stop here. But as we say, there's no stopping. We have to go further. This brings us to the last three Steps. Throughout this book, twice in this book he talked about the fourth dimension of existence. we've talked about three dimensions. (mental, physical, and spiritual) There is a fourth dimension of living that many of us never knew existed. (p. 8, par. 3 p. 25, par. 2) I think that this is what--I think that we deserve a great life. If you'd been through some of the thing" that we alcoholics have been through, we deserve a better dimension of living.

I think the greatest waste, sometimes, of the program of "Alcoholics Anonymous," a. I look around A.A., is not the people out there who haven't used the program. Sometimes those of us in Alcoholics Anonymous who are really missing this fourth dimension of living. We've got so we don't have to drink anymore, and that's all and we stop. But there is much, much more, beyond the first nine Steps.

We can see that all over Alcoholics Anonymous. If you go to your group, you'll see everything. You know, it's kind of confusing, what you see in A.A., to the new people. You see all kinds of people. We see people with that sparkle in (their) eye. You see people in that fourth dimension of existence, and it's great. They're really attractive people. Then you see mediocre people in the program, you know, kind of la-is. (laughter) Then you see a lot of people in A.A. that you would like to buy a drink. I mean they really need it. (laughter)

I guess...no two of us really have the same thing. There's something here for all of us. The program has something for all of us. It does, and I think the greatest waste, maybe, is those of us in Alcoholics Anonymous, the people in Alcoholics Anonymous who are just not drinking, who are not using this program to its (full) extent. We have the ability to live better than most people on the face of this earth. It's talking about going--to continue on.

Charlie and I get into a lot of difficulty with people over the years. We don't get into arguments with them, everybody can interpret it anyway he wants to, but there's nothing in here that talks about--we're going to get into that--talks about maintenance. You can't maintain the human life.

Everything in life is either getting better, or getting worse. Nothing ever in nature, remains exactly the same. Look at a beautiful tree out here. That tree is always growing, growing, growing. When that stops growing, it starts dying. Even a atone that we see, it's...in a changing process. It's deteriorating whether we see it or not. The same way in life. Either we're going to grow, we're going to grow in life, or we're going to go back.

So the last three Steps put us in that growth. It says, remember he said, if we are halfway through--we are halfway through our development, he said, in the first nine Steps. So

Step # 10 Big Book Page # 84 Tape 7B-7

that means the other half of our development lies in the last three Steps. We'll never get all of it, but we're pursuing the perfection of life. We're not perfect, but we're growing along spiritual knee. So Step Ten, Eleven, and Twelve is all about the continuous growth process. Let's continue to grow in our lives each day, as we have completed the first nine Steps. C I think the use of the word maintenance is entirely a misuse of it in these last three Steps. Because to maintain means to stay the way you are. Nothing in the universe stays the way (it is.) There are certain laws that are universal. They're always based on truth. Nothing in this universe stays the way it is. This building we're in 1e a beautiful building. You can spend literally millions of dollars on this thing to maintain it. Some day this things going to fall down. Someday it's going to corrode away. They're going to tear it down, or it's going to fall down.

The human body is one of the most beautiful things that God has ever created. It grows, and it grows, and it grows, and it grows. Somewhere about nineteen years old it quite growing. The day it quit. growing it start. dying. So then the question is: how long is it going to take it to die. ( laughter) Invariably though it's going to do lt.

I think we use the word maintenance wrong, because nothing really ever stays the way it is. I know that may sound like blasphemy to some of-you. But that's okay, because I believe we'll be able to prove that statement. AB we look at these next three Steps in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," and as we read them, basically from the book. I think we can see a growth factor taking place. Joe. J (p. 84, par. 3) 'This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past.'

When we clean up the past, now we commence another way of living.

(p. 84, par. 3) 'We have entered the world of the spirit.'

Remember it says, Step Five was the beginning of the spiritual experience? (p. 75, par. 3) Now in Step Ten we have entered that world.

(p. 84, par. 3) 'Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness...'C Wait, wait, wait, wait.

(p. 84, par. 3) 'We have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.'

Not stay the way we are, not maintain, but to grow in understanding and effectiveness. J (p. 84, par. 3) 'Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.' C What Step did we use to look at those things in the beginning, Step Four didn't we? Okay. J (p. 84, par. 3) 'When they crop up, we ask God to remove

Step # 10 Big Book Page # 84 Tape 7B-8

them.' C What Steps did we use for that back in the beginning. J Six and Seven. C Six and Seven. Okay. J (p. 84, par. 3) 'We discuss them with someone immediately' C What Step did we use for that? Five. Okay. J (p. 84, par. 3) 'and we make amend" quickly if we have harmed anyone.' C What Steps did we use for that? J Eight and Nine. C Okay, Eight and Nine. Now it's obvious that if we would practice Step Ten as the Big Book says to do it, not off the wall, but out of the book. (laughter) That we will be continually, on a daily basis, working Steps Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine. Now, those are the action Steps that got us to where we are at the present time. As we employ them in our lives, we are bound to grow in understanding and effectiveness. The personality change is bound to continue as we use these Steps. I would defy anybody in this room to work Step Ten the way the book says to work it and stay the way you are. You can't do that.

As you continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty resentment, and fear, you will learn more about yourself. And when these crop up, when you ask God to take the. away, immediately they will become less and less important in your lift. As you discuss them with another human being, that human being will help you realize what these character defects are. And when you make amend. quickly, then your relationship with other people will become better and better and better.

You see, that's the danger in working the Steps off the wall. Somewhere we read Step Ten and it says, we continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong we promptly admitted it. And we begin to believe the only thing Ten dealt with is if we've hurt somebody, we make amends. Well, looking in the book, we can see it's an entirely different thing.

Somewhere we got the idea that if you work Step Ten, you do that when you go to bed at night. But it doesn't say anything about that at all here in the book, waiting in Step Ten until you go to bed at night. It doesn't make any sense to wait till nighttime. I learned this process when I took inventory. I learned how to look for the-e things. I learn-d how to discuss them with another human being. I learned how to ask God to take them away. I learned how to make amends if I've harmed anybody. Now all I'm doing is reapplying what I already know, what I already know. There's no sense in me getting screwed up at nine o'clock in the morning, and be screwed up all day, and wait till I go to bed at night to do something about it. I don't have to do that. When I do that, I'm in danger. Because if I get screwed up on one thing, I'll guarantee you within thirty minutes if I don't do something else, I'm going to be screwed up on something else. And by the time I wait till tonight, I'm in a hell of a shape.

Step # 10 Big Book Page # 84-85 Tape 7B-9

But I can "top a ten o'clock, or nine thirty, or eight or whenever this happened, and I can say, what is it this time Charlie? Which character defect has come to the surface? Which part of "elf has been affected? And I can spot it immediately. I can say, God, you know I don't want to be this way. God please take these things away from me. I can discuss it with another human being. I can make amends if I've harmed anybody. I can do that in about ten or fifteen minutes, and the rest of my day is okay. I don't have to be that way anymore if I don't want to be.

So I have a way, not only to keep the good feeling, but how to magnify it, how to add on to it, how to grow further. A" I do this I redone the process. Character defects gradually become less and leas and less. The good things of life, the assets that come to the surface, can automatically become more and more and more. You see I don't have to go read other spiritual book". I don't have to have anybody tell me how to live. I already know. I've had those good things obscured all my life. Now that the garbage is being peeled away, the good (can)come to the surface. Gradually, we become better and better and better. Not in the context of good and bad, we just become better human beings. Our personality changes. We become more what God wanted us to be in the first place. J Okay. After...the Tenth Step--you know we always talk about the promises on page eighty-three and eighty-four. We never talk about the promises on eighty-four and eighty-five. We'll find that there's the same number of promises that come after the Tenth Step, that are after the Ninth Step. These are another set of promises that are the result of the Tenth Step.

(p. 84, par. 4) 'And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.'

After Step Ten--remember in Step Two we said, came to believe (that) a Power greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity. After Step Ten, we've been restored to sanity. We have that little piece back. You know, we couldn't make the right decisions about alcohol. (Recall the mental blank "pots, p. 42, par. 1) C Somebody repaired our switch in our heads somewhere in this process. J Now we can think differently. We can look at really the reason for drinking.

(p. 84, par. 4; p. 85, par. 1) 'For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We (top of p. 85) react sanely and normally...'

Okay, we're normal. So we have normal thinking about alcohol. (Remember the hot stove, p. 24, par. 3)

(p. as, par. 1) '...and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been

Step # 10-11 Big Book Page # 85 Tape 7B-10

placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long a. we keep in fit spiritual condition. 'C You remember way teach on page forty-five there was a statement that said the main object of this book is to enable us to find a Power greater than ourselves which will solve our problem. (p. 45, par. 3) We emphasized it didn't say which will help us solve it, or that will enable us to solve it. It said which will solve lt. Somewhere between page forty-five and page eighty-five, I woke up one morning, and I realized there was something drastically different in my life. I said, Charlie, you don't want to take a drink of alcohol this morning. That was absolutely amazing to me. I said, how long has it been since you wanted to take a drink? You know, I couldn't even remember. Somewhere between page forty-five and eighty-five God removed the obsession of the mind. God restored me to sanity when it comes to alcohol.

I know me better than anybody in the world knows me. I know that if I had to fight the desire to drink alcohol on a daily basis I know exactly what would happen to me. I'd end up getting drunk. I never could withstand that and I could not today. But God has taken this away. I have found the Power, and the Power has removed the obsession of the send. This is the double, double miracle of "Alcoholics Anonymous." It can happen to anybody with any obsession, whether it be food, whether it be drugs, whether it be sex, whether it be gambling, whatever it might be. God has the power to remove this obsession if we find the Power. That's what the whole thing is about.-You see, we started a process. This is a textbook. As we progress through the book, certain things begin to happen to us. These are the results that we receive from this. Isn't this great. My God, you feel so good when you reach here. You say it can't get any better. There's no way that it could get any better than what it is right here. If we're not careful, we'll stop. We'll stop right there. If we do, we're in trouble. The book says:

(p. 85, par. 2) 'It 1- a lay to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.'

And there's where the word maintenance comes in, one day at a time. We can maintain this building one day at a time, but we can't maintain it forever. We can maintain a human personality one day at a time, but not forever.

(p. 85, par. 2) 'Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. show can I beat serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.'

Step # 10-11 Big Book Page # 85 Tape 7B-11

Now in Step Three we made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand Him. Isn't it great. Now I've got my will back. They're giving it right back to me here at the end of Step Ten, and I think that's absolutely wonderful. Joe. J Here he gives us our will back and tells us how to use it. But...we always see the preciseness of the book. He gives us our will back on page eighty-five, but he gives us our sanity back on eighty-four, first. (laughter) It would be dangerous to get it back without your sanity. C You see this really is a very precise book. J (p. 85, par. 3) 'Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him'

See, Bill's getting his words back, directions.

(p. 85, par. 3) '...who 188 all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions...'

Not suggestions. (laughter)

(p. 85, par. 3) '...we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.'

We look at ourselves, at people that we see as individual, as human beings, we have five sense of receiving cats in order to run our lives. We take in data, and get information to run our lives off of. We can see. We can hear. We can feel. We can tease. We can (smell). Those are (the senses). We gather data from that in order to run our lives.

But it says, man can also have a sixth sense of direction. There is some ultimate information. There's a way to receive additional information, better information to run our lives on. If God is directing our lives, then we're going to have to develop this inner direction. And not rely on what (I ace). Because what I see ain't always right, and what I hear ain't always right. I always relied on those five senses. So now that I have cleared away, it's now in the Step Eleven that perfecta that inner direction, to perfect that ultimate knowledge, to run my life on. C You know, if it's true that God dwells within each of us, and I believe it is, and if it's true that God has all knowledge and all power, and I believe it is, that means that within us we have everything that we need in order to live and be peaceful and be happy. The only thing we need to do is find a way to get that knowledge to the surface. It's always been there. We just simply never could use it before. But now that we've peeled the garbage away, now that we've opened the channel, then this knowledge and this power can now begin to come to the surface and we can begin to receive it directly into our lives.

And this is a vital sixth sense of direction. We no longer have to depend on people. We no longer have to depend on what we see and what we feel and what we believe--no. We can get direction straight, if we know how to do it. So were going to find that Step Eleven is a method of receiving this information

Step # l-10, 11 Big Book Page # 85-86 Tape 7B-12

directly, of developing this sixth sense of direction, so that we can make use of the knowledge and the power that we already have, and that we've always had, but just never could use before.

Now, let'- take a little look, it won't take very long, to see what Bill tells us about the use of Eleven. Remember Step Eleven says, we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, not to maintain, but to improve. We've already developed it to a certain extent. But now then, we can begin to develop it further, and further, and further. Joe. J You know, looking at the total process in our life, we get to take One and Two, and get to Three. Three is one of the pillars of this thing, where we make a decision to turn over our will. That's just a decision. To carry out this decision we have to remove the things that block us off from God. We do that in Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine, and even Ten we clear out some others. So that is carrying out the decision.

Now that we have cleared away the things that block us from the decision in Step Three, now we can operate; we begin to operate, Step Eleven, which is receiving God's directions in our lives. Really the pinnacle of the whole thing is the turning over our will, and Eleven, the receiving of God's will, changing of directions in the human life. All these Steps in the middle make that possible. Now that we have done that he says, we already should have some sense of that. But Step Eleven is a tool to improve God's directions in our lives. Let's see how he did it.

(p. 85, par. 4; p. 86, par. 1) 'Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men (top. of p. 86) than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it.'

We have to work at this. This is not something that we can develop instantly.

(p. 86, par. 1) 'It would be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions.'

Let's look at this statement. Bill said it would be easy to vague about...this matter. Remember Bill was not a spiritual giant at this point, or I think he ever--you know...he had just been in this thing for a couple of years. Most of his knowledge-he began his spiritual life-- I think Anne, Dr. Bob's wife and Henrietta used to read to his out of the Bible at Dr. Bob's house. So he wasn't spiritual giant. Here he was faced with writing: what is he trying to do? He was...faced with the teak of writing a book which gave...spiritual lives to people who were totally bankrupt, people that were totally bankrupt spiritually. This man didn't have the know Ledge for that. He didn't have the background for that.

If we look at the two subjects, prayer and meditation, many, many volumes have been written on these two subjects, on prayer itself, let alone the many hours that man has spent studying meditation. Still yet, he was able to lay out on...two and a half pages, on two and a half pages, he was able to lay out a procedure to give people a spiritual life that were completely

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 86 Tape 7B-14

"Twelve and Twelve." Then on the right hand side of the sheet, we went to the dictionary, and we looked up the words that would mean the opposite of those. Those on the right hand side of the sheet would be the personality characteristics of God-willed person. All in the world we're trying to do is get from the left hand side of the sheet to the right hand side of the sheet.

And it's very difficult to do. But if we would make a habit at night, it only takes about two minutes to run through this little sheet, and see which s. de of the sheet we're on today. Invariably, I find myself on both sides, never all on one side. Invariably, every day I find that places change in there too. But I can see what I need to change. I can ask God's help. With God's power and my little power that I can muster, we can gradually, gradually do away with defects, and more and more increase the good part of my character. It's a very slow process, but I rehone this thing as the years go by until gradually the right hand side of the sheet becomes natural to us. I would defy anybody to do this on a daily basis and stay the way you are. You absolutely can't do that.

All successful people today tell you that we make inventory a daily part of our lives. They say if we don't we might forget where we came from. If we forget where we're coming from, we may forget where we're going. And we end up getting lost again. This is the only way you can really see what you need to change is to stop once in a while and look at what's going on in your life. Then you can see how far you've come, where you need to go, and you can see what you need to change in order to get there. Very, very simple process, and it only takes about two minutes a day. We can have this if we're willing to do the work necessary to do this. One of the most valuable tools that I, myself personally, have ever found in my life, is this little inventory sheet. Joe. J Okay. We do this at night. Remember, that night thing was in Step Eleven. It wasn't in Ten anyway, was it? On awaking--this is what we do in the morning. On awaking- -this is another, the

second, definite and valuable suggestion. He's suggesting these things to you.

(p. 86, par. 3) 'On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we also God to direct our thinking...'

This is a quiet time that we have with ourselves in the morning. We get up and organize our day. I think most of the people in A.A. have seen the value of this part, this one, maybe not the other. Most of us use this. My sponsor told me early in my life, my sobriety, he said, Joe get up and...organize your life. He said, you operated just like a goose. I said, how is ! that? He said, the old goose just gets up in the morning and

(End of Side B of Tape 7)

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 86 Tape 7B-13

bankrupt. This, you know, it's unbelievable that he did it. But the way he did it. The way he did it was--he said I cannot teach you anything about prayer and meditation, I don't know anything about it. I don't have the ability to teach you or tell you anything about it. But he said, I'm going to give you same definite and valuable suggestions. I'm going to give you some daily exercise to practice. The way he did it, he said, if you'll practice these exercises on a daily basis, you will develop a life of prayer and meditation. He wont around the other way.

So he's going to toll us on these two pages. He starts out with what to do at night. Then he tells us what to do in the morning. He tells us what to do when we have indecision. He tells us how to pray. He tells us some things we can read, some people we can se.. He tells us what to do when in doubt. If we do those things on a daily basis, we repast these processes, we will develop an individual healthy life of prayer and meditation. It's something we have to work at by using these suggestions on a daily basis. And it begins with night.

(p. 86, par. 2) 'When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once.'

And we can say, have we been working Step Ten, really? Have we been working Step Ton?

(Transcriber's note: This explains an important relationship between Step Ton and Step Eleven.)

(p. 86, par. 2) 'Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done bettor? Wore we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the abeam of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our u usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.'

We are asking for that. We are asking for those specific directions into our lives, because we see...how we've come that day. We see our needs, what we want God to direct us in this area. C We've made up a little sheet of paper, and again it's not anything new at all. On the left hand side of the sheet we listed the personality characteristic a of a self-willed person. We went to the Big Book, and we picked up the character defects that Bill talked about all the way through. HQ talked about the selfish and self-seeking, dishonest, frightened and inconsiderate human being. Then we went to the "Twelve and Twelve'' which he wrote some thirteen years later, after years of experience and talking with many, many people who are well rounded in human nature. I'm sure he knew more about human nature then.

We picked up all the character defects out of there which are really offshoots of those first four. We listed the pride, and the greed and the lust and so on and so forth. We listed every character defect that Bill used in the Big Book and the

Step # Big Book Page # Tape 7B- 15


When we retire at night we constructively review our day. Were we resentful selfish dishonest or afraid? Personality Characteristics Personality Characteristics of self-will of God a will


(c) 1987, 1988 Joe McQ. and Charlie P. All Rights Reserved

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 86 Tape 8-1

(Begin Tape 8) J ...goose just gets up in the morning, squawks and crapes and says, here I come mean old world. He said, you know, get up and organize you life. Think about your day. This is a valuable thing. He said:

(p. 86, par. 3) 'Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.'

This is invaluable to human life. As I said, I work with alcoholics every day, and I challenge alcoholics and myself...to tell myself every day, and getting alcoholics to wake up, look at things. I ask us today, all of us could do this today. I look at my life. I ask myself is my life as good as my mind. No. No. No. I've got a better send than my life, if I could just get the garbage out of the way. Our mind's got us living on--most of the good stuff we never have used. It's just wasted. As Charlie says, when I came to A.A. I still had part of my warranty. I never used most of it. (laughter) My mind had m. living off of garbage. C You know, there's a story that is so appropriate when we deal with our mind. We've never seen a dumb alcoholic. J I've never seen a dumb alcoholic. C We see them do some pretty stupid things including ourselves. We've never seen a dumb alcoholic. There's a story about a brain surgeon who had invented a way to transplant the brain in it's entirety. We've been doing it with the heart, lunges and other organs. This guy figured out how to do it with the brain. This older fellow went to him and said, doctor, my brain's not working right anymore. I can't remember nothing. I can't do anything. He said, is there any way you can help me? The doctor said, well yea, you may be a good candidate for a brain transplant. We'll run some physical tests and see. Sure enough he did and everything turned out okay. So he told the old fellow, he said, yes, we could transplant a brain in you and it would be fine. The old man said, well, what have you got to offer? The doctor said come up in the display room and we'll look in the case and I'll show you what we got in stock. (laughter)

They went up in this room, and he said, now, in this case over here we have the brains of a lawyer. I could transplant this brain in your head and everything would be fine and it would cost you $20, 000. The old man said, well, have you got anything else? He said, yea, in this case over here I've got the brains of a doctor. I could transplant this in your head, everything would be great, and it would cost you $50,000. The old man said, well, what else have you got. He said, in this case over here I've got the brains of an alcoholic. He said, I could transplant this in your head, and everything would be fine. It would coat you $100,000. The old man said, I don't understand. How come $20, 000 for the lawyer, $50, 000 for the doctor, and $100,000 for the alcoholic's

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 86-87 Tape 8-2

brain. And the doctor said, why, hell man, it's brand new. It ain't never been used yet. (laughter)

And I really do think that's one of our problems. We've never used our brain for the right purposes . J Now, in thinking about our day--here's another definite and valuable suggestion.

(p. 86, par. 4) 'In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take.'

And this is two. We human being are--once we see ourselves as what we literally are--we are limited people. We're on the face of this earth for a limited time. We have a limited bit of information. What is contained in our computer is the past experience, and what we've learned in the short period of time, and the things we've been exposed to on the face of this earth. So we have limited information. This is why we can't be successful on self-knowledge. Throughout the day and throughout our lives almost each day something comes up that we don't have the information for.

When something happens in my life each day, that comes up and I don't have the (answer), I usually go to my brain bank, my little bank, and it's very limited. It don't have that much in there. I turn this little computer on, and I run the problem in there. It doesn't take but a few seconds, and a little tape rune out and says, we don't have that one. (laughter) And I run it, I said, go through. I run it through again, and it's says, told you we didn't have it. (laughter) I just keep on running it through there. That's frustration, worry.

It says, you know, shut it off; admit you don't know. relax and take it easy, and don't struggle. (p. 86, par. 4) Turn it over to God. Turn it over to another source of information. When I turn it over to God, right from within, I realize that God has about ten thousand great answers for every problem that I have. But he will allow me the privilege of wrestling with it on the basis of self-knowledge. We begin to practice this in our lives, learn to stop and turn it over to God, relax and take it easy. When I turn this problem over to God, at least I can go out and wash the dishes. I can occupy myself with some other activities constructive in my lie.

You'd be surprised. I turn it over to God, and after a while, right within my being, sometimes something will say, why don't you call Charlie about that? Why don't you call old John about that. I happen to call him, and talk to him about it, and my problem works out. Sometimes God speaks to me, lot of times God speaks to me through other people. But you know, as we practice this, we have to practice using this on a daily basis, and ,,to as we practice, we find that we can face life successfully. We can develop this sense. He goes on to say:

(p. 86, par. 4; p. 87, par. 1) 'Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. (top of

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 87 Tape 8-3 p. 87) What used to be the hunch...'

We've all had hunches, but it's no good as a hunch. Hunches just come when they want to. We can't use them. But if we use this particular definite and valuable suggestion, we can take those hunches and the occasional inspiration, and they gradually can become a working part of our mind. We can have access to them whenever we want them. This takes time to work at it.

(p. 87, par. 1) 'What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and have just made conscious contact with God...*

If you're new at this:

(p. 87, par. 1) '...it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas.'

We're going to make mistakes with it.

(p. 87, par. 1) 'Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.'

After a few years of working at this, we can have constant-we can use this. We can rely on it, because we can get information for any problem we have in our lives. C This is classic Western prayer and meditation. There's another kind also That's called Eastern prayer and meditation. In Eastern prayer and meditation, normally, you try to make your mind an absolute, complete blank. Some people do it by repeating certain words over and over in their minds, or by listening to music. I don't know about the rest of you all, but I've never been able to make my mind a blank. When I get up in the morning, that sucker turns on and it rune all day long. There's always something going on in there.

I think what Bill is really saying to us is this: prayer is nothing more than asking God for direction, and meditation is nothing more than listening for the answer. The way we listen for the answer is: let's get it out of our minds. I ask him for direction on a particular problem. Let's get it out of the mind. The only way I can get it out of the mind is go do something else. A. long as I'm keeping that thing going in my head, then I can't turn loose of it. But as Joe says, I can go cut the grass, or I can paint the house, or I could do a lot of different things. As long a. I'm wrestling with it, I'm paralyzed, and I can do nothing. I'm surprised how often after a while the right answer will come.

If God dwells within each of us, and I'm sure He does, then all of the knowledge and power I need is there, if I can bring it to the surface. I'm not like some of these gurus we hear. You know we've got one here back in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that right now, God's done told him, you either raises eight million dollars or you dying in March. (laughter) God has never spoken to me that direct. (laughter) But quite often it seems as though I automatically know the answer to something that I wrestled with days ago.

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 87 Tape 8-4

Now, if God dwells within mer he dwells within you. If I can't get the answer out of me, then maybe it will come through you. God has always worked with people through people. Used to, when you and I were talking, I never listened to what you said, because I was too interested in what I'm going say just as soon as you got through talking. (laughter) But today, I've quit doing that, because I find quite often, my answer will come from you. If I'm listening carefully, I will hear the answer to what I was wrestling with the day before.

This is the sixth sense of direction. (p. 85, par. 3? This is the way of receiving information from One who has all knowledge and all power. When I'm wrestling with a problem, and I turn it over to God, not often do I get a direct answer, but quite often I find that I begin to feel very comfortable about that thing. I don't really have to make a decision, because I find that when I feel entirely comfortable about it that I can go ahead and do it. But as long as I'm wrestling with it, then it's my self that's doing the wrestling. When God's answer comes in, then I feel entirely comfortable. I don't make any decisions anymore. I don't know how long it's been since I've make a decision, don't have to anymore. There is another way to receive directions in my life. This is a simple way to do it, and for me, it has worked great, real great.

We got into a group not too long ago in another place that they'd carried meditation to the point where they carried their own mattresses with them. They carried their own music with them. They laid down in the floor on mattresses and held hands and listened to the music and meditated. We told them that we didn't really think that's what the Big Book was talking about. I said, knowing me, that if I get to lying on mattresses and holding hands with members of the opposite sex and listening to soft music, I'll meditate alright, (laughter) but it'll probably be on the wrong subject matter. And they pooh-poohed us out of the room. Eighteen months later, we went back to that same group, and the membership had dropped from a hundred and fifty down to about fifteen, several drunks, two or three damn near killings, and a half a dozen divorcee.

Now, we've got to be very careful about this. We Western people, when we get hooked up into Eastern meditation, my God, anything might happen to us. Bill gives us a very simple way to do this, where we're not so much in danger of receiving the wrong directions. Joe. J Okay, we can see how valuable these (ere). We're talking about morning. We're talking about at night. Now, we're taking about indecision, and receiving God's direction. The next...definite and valuable suggestion is to deal with our prayer life. (It talks) about meditation. Now we're going to talk about suggestions of prayer.

(p. 87, par. 2) 'We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from

Step # 11 Big Book Page # Tape 8-5

self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can

easily see why.'

We need to look at our prayer life. As he is suggesting this, fashioning a prayer life according to the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," all of us, everybody has some sort of prayer life. I had a...lot of difficulties with this. is . .see a lot of alcoholics that do. My whole prayer life had to be looked at. I had to realize it hadn't worked in my life. My prayers had always been, as Charlie says, I didn't have too many prayers. About the biggest prayer that I had, that I practiced wee, number one: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die...." I used that. I really don't like that too well. As we say, the other one I used was mostly wee, I think everybody used this ague, most of us alcoholics use the alcoholic prayer. "God, if you get me out of this damn mess, I'll never do it again.'. (laughter) And that was the extent of my prayer life.

My prayers seemed, more or less, as I look at them today, like a list to Santa Claus. All my life wee, God do this, God do this, God give me that, and God do this, and God do this. I just ordered God around and told his what to do. Then you read in the Big Book, it says, we don't ask God for anything. The only thing we need is God's directions In our lives, or the power to carry that out.

I realize today, as I look back on my life, as I began to fashion this new prayer life, if I had used my old ways of prayer, I would have really shorted myself. If God had given me everything I wanted, I would have shorted myself. Because God has given me things beyond my imagination. The things God want. me to have are far greater than the things I'm going to ask for anyway. I'm not going to get them, because some of the things I wanted would hurt ma anyway. So there's no need of me to sit down and list the things. That's a waste of time, the book says. It doesn't hurt anything, but it's a waste of time to tell God what I want. What I need is God's directions in my life, and the power to carry those things out.

I realize, as 1 look back, that we all fashion a prayer life from our old life, which hasn't worked. We're here to change, to experiment with some different things and see and develop a new prayer life. My prayer life, as I always on this Step every Sunday morning, I think where my prayer life began. I was raised in a Southern Methodist church. Charlie was raised in the Southern Baptist church. Them Baptist will drown you. I didn't go to the Baptist, you know. (laughter) C Never could swim anyhow. J No, I couldn't swim anyway. But in our church, this is where I got my first introductions and development of a prayer life. There's nothing wrong with that. You never realize that maybe this isn't working. Be open to change. In my church, I always think about this Step every Sunday morning I'm talking about it.

Step # 11 Big Book Page # 87 Tape 8-6

I bring myself back as a kid in this church. I was in that pew and it was over near the right hand side of church. In the same pew was another one of the brothers of the church, Brother Sanders, God bless him. He's been dead for years. He prayed every Sunday morning. I was just a kid there in the church. I remember looking down the pew and seeing him. I remember him in a brown suit. I guess he had another one, but I remember this brown suit he had. He had a watch bob on a chain, and it had a red stone in it. I can remember it dangling off his vest when he bent over to pray.

He would pray every Sunday morning. It took him a half an hour or so to fix us up, because we were in pretty bad shape. He would ask God to give us--he would ask God for every thing in heaven. God bless the church, the sick and the poor, the shut-in, the ladies aid, the President. God do this, and God do that. God do this, and God do that. He went through a long listing. At the final statement--I remember his final statement. His final closing statement wee, Lord, that in our haste which we have omitted, please grant us that also. (laughter) You know, if he'd left out anything we still wanted.

It's weird. You begin that-a-way, and you fashion that all your life. You never really stop to look at it, (to see) if it's working for you, for the life that you're going to live. It's very hard to change old habit". We see how very difficult it is. If we really attempt not to ask God for anything, it's very difficult. But a. we begin to do this, and hone in on, not the things we want, and to focus just on God's directions in our lives, we realize that these directions will increase as we ask God for these things. God will be able to speak to us throughout the day, and our lives will grow. Our knowledge and ability to face life successfully on a daily basis will grow based on our prayer habits as we make these changes.

So this is a very important definite and valuable suggestion in fashioning a healthy prayer life in Alcoholics Anonymous. As we practice this on a daily basis surely our lives will grow. C Go ahead you're doing great. J (p. 87, par. 3) 'If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation.'

These are some other smaller suggestions in this paragraph. These are the smaller ones. We've got the big ones, now we'll have some smaller ones.

(p. 87, par. 3) 'If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also.'

See, that's a suggestion.

(p. 87, par. 3) 'If we are not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing.'

That's another little suggestion.

(p. 87, par. 3) 'There are many helpful books also.'

That's another suggestion.

(p. 87, par. 3) 'Suggestions about these may me obtained

Step # 11-12 Big Book Page # 87-88 Tape 8-7

from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. hake use of what they offer.'

That's another small suggestion. Then he says:

(p. 87, par. 4) 'As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful...'

Boy, that's a valuable suggestion. Usually 1 go full speed ahead when I get agitated or doubtful. (laughter)

(p. 87, par. 4) '...ask for the right thought or action.'

You know, many years, some years ago I was doing maintenance work and I learned a lot about--I apply the same principles--I found a lot about myself in working on things. I'd get them all out of whack. I would about to be tearing up something, and I get in a hurry. I found out the quickest way, and the beat way for me to get a job done, a little something I was working on, was to leave it alone and go get a cup of coffee. That doesn't seem logical, because you're going to waste ten minutes drinking a cup of coffee. But you know, I found out after I went and drank a cup of coffee, and I came back and I looked at that, I'd say, hey, what was I doing. That don't go in there. I was about to tear that up. That's the quickest way sometimes. The beat way is to come back and look at it. Pause when agitated. Stop.

(p. 87, par. 4; p. 88, par.') 'We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer (top of p. 88) running the chow, humbly Baying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done."'

Still more suggestion. These are little important suggestions. And here's the results. This is what happens after we--if we can practice these suggestions, here's some more promises or results of Step Eleven.

(p. 88, par. 1) 'We are then in much leas danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient.' You get more living done in a day's time. (p. 88, par. 1) 'We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.' You burn up a lot of mental energy, and then you tire. The mind uses a lot of energy. We just run it all the time doing nothing. The whole system is tired. It says: (p. 88, par. 2-3) 'It works--it really does.

'We alcoholics are undisciplined.' We know that. (p. 88, par. 3) 'So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.'

Sometimes we don't read throughout that paragraph. We are undisciplined people, so we let God discipline us each day through practicing the Eleventh Step. Because if we receive &oaf's direction, He will direct our undisciplined lives.

(p. 88, par. 4) 'But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.'

C We're not going to try to go through that next chapter. It

Step # 12 Big Book Page # Tape 8-8

simply takes too long. Very briefly let's talk a little bit about Step Twelve and then we'll be through. Step Twelve, like so many Steps, is a three part Step, multiple parts to it. I think probably the first pert of Step Twelve is the ultimate promise, the greatest promise we can find from the Big Book.

The first part of Step Twelve says, having had a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps, singular. It didn't say "a" result. It didn't say "some" result. It said as "the" result of these steps. And I think That's a promise, that if we will make these first eleven Steps a part of our lives to the absolute best of our ability, we can expect to receive the same spiritual awakening as the first one hundred received as THE result of those Steps. What is a spiritual awakening? Well, we've already looked at it. It's a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. (Appendix II, p. 569, par. 1)

Bill tells us in the "Twelve and Twelve" there's as many kinds of spiritual awakenings as there are people in A.A. But he said, they all have certain thing. in common. That is, that we're able to feel, believe and do things that we could never do before on our own strength unaided. ("Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," pp. 106-107)

I fool things today that I never felt before. Today I feel love for my fellow human being. I never knew what love wee. You know, I'd always mixed love up with coming in heat. (laughter) And I find out that isn't true love at all. Love is a true compassion and understanding and tolerance and patience for your fellow man. Love is a true wanting to help other people, expecting nothing back in return, period. I can feel that today. I never felt that before.

I believe things today that I never believed before. Before coming to A.A. I believed that God was a punishing God. I believed that you go to hell for lying and cheating and stealing and doing those things, and God would have nothing to do with people like me. I don't believe that today. Today I believe God is a kind and a loving God. Today I believe that God wants everyone of us to be joyous, happy and free. Today I believe God wants us to have the best that you can possibly have in this world we live in. Today I believe that God stance ready to help any human being the instant they're ready to admit defeat and turn to Him for help. I believe that with al 1 my heart.

Today I can do things that I never could before. By golly, I can stay sober. I never could do that before. This is one of the greatest things that life has given me today. The ability to be able to live without drinking alcohol. The ability to live without destroying my life, and the lives of everybody around me.

In the context of what Bill talk" about, most certainly, most certainly, I and many, many other" have experienced this spiritual awakening.

Now, then, that I've got it, what am I going to do with it? There's another one of these old laws of the universe that stands true everywhere you go. There's a law that says, there ain't

Step # 12 Big Book Page #Tape 8-9

nothing for free. You've got to pay for whatever you get, and what you receive you've got to give back. There are no free rides in this world. Now that I've received this spiritual awakening then my job is to carry THIS message to others especially alcoholics, "this" message, not "a" message, not "some" message, singular, "this" message. I think it's very important that we recognize it's "this" message, What is this message? Well, this message is: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That's the only message we've got. Any human being that will use the first eleven Steps can have a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. My job is to talk about that to other people.

(Transcriber's note: This next paragraph is very important to me.)

It's a very simple message le. As I talk to another alcoholic I say, I know exactly where you are because I've been there, too. I say, I'm not that way anymore. The reason I'm not that way anymore is because I came to A.A. I found in A.A. a book called "Alcoholics Anonymous." Within the book I found a program of recovery. I applied the first eleven Steps of that program in my life to the beat of my ability. I've had a spiritual awakening, and I'm not that way anymore. I say, if you don't want to be the way you are, _then you come to A.A. You pick up the same book. You apply the same Steps in your life, and you're going to have a spiritual awakening, and you're not going to be that way anymore either. That's the only message we have to carry.

We've got to be careful. Sometimes we get to thinking we're healers. We're not healers. We get to thinking we're marital advisors. We get to thinking we're economic advisors . Who in the hell has ever screwed up that stuff worse than we did? The only thing we know anything about is the disease of alcoholism and how to recover therefrom. The message is very simple. We may argue about how to carry the message, but the message itself is very simple .

This whole chapter, Working With Others, is devoted to how do you carry this message. It does the same thing we've done this weekend. It says we sit down and we talk to that person about our disease. That's what we did in The Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story. As we talk to that person about our disease they can see themselves through us. We help them see where they are. We help them realize what their problem is. Then it says, after you've talked about that, then you go back and tell them about our solution, not his, ours. We talk about the solution to our disease turned out to be a loving God as we understand Him. Then it says, after you've talked to him about the solution, you explain the practical program of action. Then you invite him to come with you and walk through the practical program of action.

That's all we can do for another alcoholic. We can help him see where he is. We can help him see where he ought to be. And we can show him the program of action that will get him from where he is to where he ought to be. That's exactly what the book has done in that same identical sequence.

Step # 12 Big Book Page # Tape 8-10

Now whether he gets there or not is entirely up to him, entirely up to him and his relationship with God as he understands Him. You and I are very, very, unique people. We know something that nobody else in the world knows . I've got to believe. I've got to believe that God works with people through people. He's always done it. Why should He change now? I've got to believe that in the thirties God got tired of seeing people die. I've got to believe that God picked out Bill, and Bob, and Jung and Silkworth, and all the rest of the first one hundred, for the purpose of showing people in the future how to recover from the disease and not die from alcoholism. If God picked them in the thirties, why would he not pick them today. Ninety-seven out of a hundred alcoholics will die from their disease, never, never knowing that they're alcoholic, never knowing what's wrong with them.

I used to say, God, how come I'm an alcoholic? Today I say, God, how come I'm not one of those that's' dying. (Turn over for side B) I've got to believe that God picks out the ones He uses. I've got to believe He picked everybody in this room. There isn't a sole in here that shouldn't already be dead, if you're an alcoholic, some of us two, three, four, five, sex times. And we said, oh, weren't we lucky last night. No. No, God knows in order to use us, He's got to let us experience this disease of alcoholism, but He saves our lives while we're doing it. Then when He's ready to use us, He removes the obsession to drink, and then He puts us to work. The miracle is that the obsession to drink is removed, and we don't really have anything to do with that. Sometimes it's on a barstool that we see this thing. Sometimes it's in a hospital. Sometimes it's in our own home. Sometimes it can be anywhere.

Now, God has given us this information, and we are unique people. Most people in the world never get the chance to save other people's lives. We have the knowledge and the ability to save lives, literally countless thousands. and thousands. and thousands . We are the experts, Don't let anybody fool you. We are the experts. We know more about the disease of alcoholism than anybody alive, because we experienced it, didn't we, hunh? Yeah. And we are the experts on recovery. We know more about it than anybody alive. We're the only people in the world that's recovered from the disease of alcohol ism. Yeah.

Now what are we going to do with that information? Are we going to keep it for ourselves? If we do, we're going to lose it. You can't have it for nothing. You can't get it for free. You're going to have to turn around and give it back to those that are still suffering. In the giving it back to those who still suffer, our lives become useful.

God don't care how much money we've got. God don't care where we're working. He don't care what house we live in. I very seriously doubt if He's concerned too much with who we're married to. I think what He is concerned with is: what are you doing with what I've given to you? Are you going to use what I've given you? You know, that's our job. My and your job is to take care of this thing, protect this fellowship, and peas this on unchanged

Step # 12 Big Book Page # Tape 8-11

to those that come after us .

People say, A.A. could never fail. Oh, don't you believe that. Mankind has screwed up every good thing that God has ever given him. There's no reason to doubt that he won't screw up A.A. also. A.A. will remain as it is , as long as we do our job. Our job is to see that the new people coming in the door understand that we do have a program of recovery. Our job is to see that they understand that all this crap coming in to A.A. from the outside doesn't belong here. If we ever forget the primary purpose, if we ever get away from our three legacies, if we ever get away from recovery, unity and service, then A.A. will fail.

And it's not going to be the new people's fault coming in the door. It's not going to be those outside of A.A. It's going to be our own fault, because we are the only ones that can allow that to happen to us. It's time for us to stop. It's time for us to tell people what we've got here. It's time for us to insist upon: this is our fellowship, and this is our program, and this is what we're going to do. And if you don't like it the way we present it to you, then you need to go somewhere else. That's our job. Our job is not to make people recover. It's to show them the recovery process, and then stay with it as we go. Only you and I can do that.

I think Joe and I are probably the luckiest people in the world. Luckiest people in the worlds Twenty-five years ago, Joe visited with a little fellow named Ora on the back wards of the Arkansas state insane asylum. I'm not so sure he don't belong there now, once in a while. (laughter) He talked with Ora, and the only reason that he talked with Ora was because Ora had a carton of Camel cigarettes. Joe never has been able to roll your own. (laughter) The only way he could smoke was to get one of them nuts to roll, lick it, and give it back to him. Ora said, Joe, I've got a little book. He showed Joe the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." Joe and Ora talked about the book. Ora, told Joe, he said, on Wednesday night there's going to be some people here from A.A., and they're going to bring some more cigarettes, and some coffee. They left the back wards of the mental institution to go to that meeting to get some cigarettes and some coffee. Joe found a new way of life. Ora didn't. Ora died from his disease.

About nineteen years ago a fellow came to me in my kitchen, sat down with me, and he eeid, I'm an alcoholic, and I want to talk to you about my disease. He did for me what nobody else had ever done. He showed me exactly where I was, by talking about his disease. He left with me this book I have in front of me. His name was Floyd. I found a new way of life. Floyd is dying from his disease, never been able to get sober. He's now wet brain, practically completely incapacitated physically.

Why? We don't know. It may be for the first time in our lives though, maybe our will has coincided with God's will. This has become our life. It's something we most certainly love to do. I think the benefits we receive can be received from anybody, by anybody in the room, if we do our job and carry "this" message the way the Big Book carries it. Joe.

Step # 12 Big Book Page # Tape 8-12

J As Charlie and I, before too long--as Charlie was closing I was sitting here thinking. Somewhere along the line I think I've been really impressed here lately with the study of the history of A.A. and how we came about. There was another great fellowship as Charlie was mentioning, the Washingtonians, who were highly successful. They were the first people who began the attempt to do this. Created by alcoholic-, sex of them who got together and started this, they had spiritual concepts. Part of the thing--to conduct their meetings they would get up and tell their stories, their drunkalogues. This is where it started in the Washingtonians...

They got this thing moving, and at the end of one year they had a thousand members, the Washingtonians. You remember how long it took us to get (forty). We had forty after two or three years. They had a thousand members after one year. They cared about each other. They had a spiritual concept. It was a powerful fellowship. They shared their stories back and forth. In eight years these people had a fellowship of (one) hundred thousand people in the United States. They were very powerful, and very successful. But somewhere along the line--they didn't have traditions, they did get involved with some other things--but the reason they failed totally was because they didn't have a program. They didn't have a program of recovery. They didn't have a book.

The same way today. They failed, and you know, we're not guaranteed, A.A. is not guaranteed as a fellowship, unless our program remains. If we lose our program, we will become a fellowship, and we will vanish from the face of this earth, too. It's very important that the real foundation of A.A. is this program. That's our responsibility as individuals. As Charlie says, I think one of the greatest, my greatest desires in my life, surely that this program will be here when I leave. Surely when I leave A.A., I will find just as much program here as when I came, or more. This is our strength and our growth and our existence. It is not our fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, but the real strength, and the thing that is vital to us is the program which is in our book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." This is our job and our reasonability. C Recovery is on the bottom of the triangle. (The circle enclosing a triangle, the symbol of A.A., is discussed in "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age," p. 139) The other two sides rest upon recovery. Without recovery, there will be no unity, and no service. Recovery is contained in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous". J As we close, just touching on--it says, we practice these principles in all our affairs, This is usually the last part of the Twelfth Step, we wind down on it and stop. We never do a real job on it, but it's very important. We practice these principles in all our affairs. Right after we read in Chapter Five, the Twelve Steps...he said these "re the principles. The Twelve Steps are the principles of our program.

These are the principles. And the Twelve Steps are not new

Step # 12 Big Book Page # Tape 8-13

principles. As it says, it spells out a design to living. The Twelve Steps are as old as mankind himself. The words of the Steps were written by Bill, but the principles involved in the Twelve Steps are as old as man. They give a design to living. There's a principle to everything on the face of this earth. There is a principle to human life. What our book gives us is the principles which are the guidelines to live by.

Everything that's manufactured, everything that is produced, it has a way to use it. If you use it in that fashion, you..get good service out of it. Just like when you go buy a product. You go buy something from General Electric. You open it up. It's in a box, and it tells you how to put it together, which I hate. (laughter) But after you get it together, then it has a set of principles in there of how you should use it. They say, if you use it this-a-way, you'll get better service out of it. Now it's yours, you can do what you want to do with it. But you'd be better off and get better service of it, if you use the guidelines to use lt.

There's principles to everything. There's principles to human life. Just like General Electric made that product. They wrote the principles. God made man, and he wrote a set of instruction for man to live by. They're in the Twelve Steps. They're in the Big Big Book. They're in a lot of different book". That's all we have to do, 1B to live our lives by the principles "et down in this book or any great program. I think that's one of the greatest mysteries, one of the things I lost somewhere in life, and the greatest simplicity of "Alcoholic Anonymous."

You know, all my life I was confused. All my life I was mixed up. All my life I never really knew how to live. I went through school. I went through my family. I went through church. I went to all these different things, and all great--and no one ever in the whole thing told me how to live. They'd give me the rules. They told me--there's a hard difference between rules and directions. You know, I broke all the rules, because I didn't know how to live. "Alcoholics Anonymous teaches you how to live. Then you don't have a hell of a lot of problem" with the rules. So the Twelfth Step, the final thing says, practice these directions, practice these laws. Live by these things in all your affairs. If we do, then surely we'll have quality lives, and surely we won't have to drink alcohol, because we'll have, we'll find serenity, and peace of mind an-d freedom and all the other things when we use our lives as (they were) designed. C You know, we're just kind of talking now. I think we're both very reluctant to close. Once in a while, we have one of these things that's a special thing for us, and this has been one. You all are special people. This is a special place. We really are reluctant to leave. But we need to close so we're going to get on with it. Let's go to page one sixty-four. Before we read what's on one sixty-four:

Practicing these principles is the hardest thing for me to do in my own home. That's the hardest place to practice them. But I think I get more rewards for it there than anywhere else. If I

Step # 1-12 Big Book Page # 164 Tape 8-14

could take Step Ono and admit my powerlessness over my wife and my children, if I could recognize the insanity of trying to control other people, if I could make a decision to turn their lives over to the care of God as I understand Him, if I could inventory me and see why I need to keep trying to control them, if I could practice all these principles in my own home, if I could practice it on the job, then my life could become better -everywhere I go. It really doesn't make sense to practice them just in A.A. Most of my time I "peed outside of A.A. It really helps. Page one sixty-four, last two paragraphs.

(p. 164, par. 3-4) 'Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a lit :le. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers

`: will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

'Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.'

And we do that in Steps Ono, Two, and Three.

(p. 164, par. 4) 'Admit your fault" to Him and to your fellows.'

And we do that in Four, Five, Six p and Seven.

(p. 164, par. 4) 'Clear away the wreckage of your past.'

And we do that in Eight and Nine.

(p. 164, par. 4) 'Give freely of what you find and join us.'

-We do that in Ten, Eleven, and Twelve.

(p. 164, par. 4-5) 'We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

'May God bless you and keep you--until then.'

Thank you all for letting us be here. J Thank you. (applause) (Thank you, Joe and Charlie, God bless -you and keep you, too.)

(End of Tape 8 and End of This Big Book Study)


EXACT-Very accurate, methodical, correct NATURE-The essential characteristic of a thing WRONG-Acting, judging, or believing incorrectly FAULT-Something done wrongly, an error or mistake MISTAKE-To understand or perceive wrongly DEFECT-Lack of something necessary for completeness Same as shortcoming

SHORTCOMING -Falling short of what is expected or required--Same as defect

SELF-CENTERED-Occupied or concerned only with one's own affairs Same as selfish

SELFISH-Too much concern with one's own welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others-Same as self-cantered SELF-SEEKER-A person who seeks only or mainly to further his own interests DISHONEST-The act or practice of telling a lie, or of cheating, deceiving, stealing, etc. FEAR-A feeling of anxiety, agitation, uneasiness, apprehension, etc. FRIGHTENED-A temporary or continual state of fear

INCONSIDERATE-Without thought or consideration of others

Created: 26.12.1997 Updated: 26.12.1997